Day 82

Guys...I think I have gotten lazy again. And not in a way that I was before, but in a way that I really hate. I work so hard all day (I know...boo hoo me), that when I get home, I head straight for the couch. That's not how it should be! I mean look at other moms who work all day, come home and cook this incredible dinner, and then work out at night and still manage to look incredible?!? How do they do it??? I mean I'm lucky if I can get salad on the table for everyone let alone some incredible feast. I refuse to let this job defeat me, but it is starting to look exactly like that. I hate the idea of not being able to accomplish everything I set my mind to. I look at how I was doing before I was at work, and I had much more food temptation at home than when I am at work, but some how, I find it more difficult there. I know I am still doing well...and that this is a marathon and not a sprint (thank you special someone!).....but somehow I just want to start seeing those same results I was seeing before I got this job.

I know this all sounds so whiney, and like I can't handle it all, but I can. It is just about figuring out how to manage it all again. I have been feeling really up for the gym, other than the whole being tired thing. I use it as an excuse and continue to say, "I'll go tomorrow". But today is tomorrow...and I keep losing out on that "tomorrow" opportunity! When is enough, enough? So today I refuse to lose...I refuse to let anything take advantage of me. I will make positive decisions today and I will look forward to days to come. I will make it to my goal....one way or another!

I hope you all have a wonderful Monday! I am going to focus very hard on what I REALLY want...will you?

Day 81

Good Evening everyone!!! I know this sounds absolutely terrible, but today, I just wanted to be totally invested in my time with Hayden and Alayna. I know I have been short and late as of lately, but I am just loving every and all amount of time I have with them. I love them and don't seem to get much time with them lately, so I want to breath it all in while I can.

It seems a little crazy that ever since I got this job, I have been realizing how precious my time with Alayna is! I mean I did before, but I REALLY do now. I look back on pictures that were as little as 6 months ago, and I can't believe how big she has gotten. She, in such a short amount of time, has just become such a little lady. It pains me to see her not needing me as much anymore and it scares me. I don't know what I will do when it comes time to send her to school...I can barely handle leaving her every day! I miss her more and more each day!! So that is why I write late, and take advantage of my time with her!

I know this blog has taken a weird turn, away from fitness, but I am starting this week with a very strict eating plan and going to the gym every day. I keep saying that, but am "too tired" but those are just excuses. So this week starts a very strict eating and exercise plan. That is just how it needs to be for a couple weeks so I can start seeing results! I did it before I got this job, and I can do it while I have this job. So I am making a promise that you WILL see an increase in more fitness and food related posts!! Not "Boo, I'm so tired and working hard". No more excuses....they don't exist anymore!

Day 80

Can you believe how late I am today??? I have had the most amazing do nothing day with Hayden and Alayna! We are currently watching a movie and snuggling up!!!!! When I heard the most poetic thing ever when watching Batman for the first time...

"Why do we fall down Bruce? So we can pick ourselves back up."

I'll leave you with that because it is poetic, beautiful, and so relevant! 

Day 79 - Weigh In

Good Morning Everyone!! Unfortunately I don't come bearing good news about losing 2-3 pounds. This week I have only lost .6 pounds for a total of 32.7 pounds. Which, no I am not as happy as I would like to be, BUT.....I am .6 pounds closer to my goal, so how could I possibly be upset??

I have been thinking lately of before I started and where I am now. I can't believe how far I have come in just 79 days. It is absolutely unreal to me that I have been able to change my body, life, and routine in such (what feels like) a short amount of time. I don't ever want to go back to that person. I am no where near where I really want to be, but I am a better person than I was.

I can remember in High School and even in Elementary school being so unhappy with myself. I remember when kids would snicker and call me names. Even my own friends would whisper. But somehow it just wasn't enough for me to want to change, instead I just got sad and would eat more. I remember when girls would trade and borrow clothes in school and I could never do that with anyone. I was never able to share because I couldn't ever fit into their stuff.

I always wondered if my weight was what made me unpopular. I can remember in grade school how much I envied the popular kids, and I always wanted to be in that group. Was it my weight that held me back? Or was it just me? Who knows....I mean I've always been kind of a nerd, and that is something I am finally coping with and accepting....if not embracing! But I think as an adult I look back on all of those experiences and think, "Shame on them....". I was a beautiful girl who was smart in her own way, I was nice, I always liked putting others in front of myself, and somehow they couldn't look past that? Shame on them. I punished myself for years because of how I was treated then, and I should have NEVER done that. There was never anything that was wrong with me.

So as I continue in my adult life, and still see people with that attitude, I no longer yearn to be a part of that "popular girl group". I feel sorry that they will never be able to be honest with themselves and others. It makes me feel like I am so lucky to be living the life I am living!

I apologize for jumping down memory lane on this post, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope you all have a wonderful Friday!! Enjoy your night and be good everyone!!!

Day 78

Day 78.....the day before weigh in day and I will tell you it has been weighing on me all day. I DON'T think tomorrow is going to look good for me. I have not been as good as I would have hoped, and only worked out a couple times. It just wasn't the week I had hoped for. Next week is full force and taking care of myself!!! Working out, just the way that I need it to!

I know that I have been slacking on posts...I do! But we are heading into a new month and I PROMISE to take better care of all of you and post nice long posts every morning. It's just when I get up in the morning, it's either 15 minutes extra sleep or write...and some mornings, the extra sleep out weighs the writing. I'm sorry!!!! But we all know that weigh in day I am up and at em' nice and early, so I will definitely have a nice long post to write tomorrow. I also want to update you all on how things are feeling with my ankle....which is looking on the positive side!!!

SO unfortunately, Big Bang Theory is premiering tonight and I need to get watching!! I hope you all have a wonderful evening, and I will talk to you bright and early in the morning!!!

Day 77

Good evening everyone! I'm stuck on my phone tonight because my computer is acting up. Like a thousand other things couldn't be going wrong at the same time. Because I am on my phone, and I have a really terrible headache, I am going to keep it REALLY short today. 

It was a very long morning at work and I really don't feel like typing too much. My head has been pounding for days now. And I can't seem to knock it for anything. Any advice would be welcomed on how to cure a HORRIBLE migraine that I have had for days. I get them a lot but Advil usually helps. But not this one. 

So on that horrible migraine note, I'm pathetically headed to bed! Have a great evening everyone!!

Day 76

Hello everyone. I decided to wait until late to write today because it was my day off. I wanted to enjoy my time with Alayna, and boy was it nice to relax with her all day. I didn't have a care in the world today but just me and Alayna relaxing!! It was so nice to just relax!!!

Last night I went to the gym, and it honestly felt AMAZING!!! My ankle hurt today, but not what I thought it was going to be! I am finally ready to step back into it. I know that I should take it easy, but it honestly felt good just to get back into things. I didn't stay as long as I thought I was going to but it was enough to make me feel like it was worth it!!

It was just a testament that no matter what you want to achieve, you can. Carefully, but you can!! I really do know that it may have been dumb for me to go and to somewhat push myself, but it was something I needed to do for myself. I think it is what I have REALLY needed. I have been feeling sorry for myself and looking in the mirror really unhappily, and I think this is JUST what I needed!!!

Well...I don't want to spend my evening typing on a computer, but would rather take advantage of the time I have with Alayna and Hayden!!! Have a wonderful evening yourselves and remember, it's okay to fall behind, as long as you promise yourself to catch back up!!!!

Day 75

Good Morning!! And a very happy Monday!!! I don't know why, but I am just in a great mood, ready to face the day!! I have been trying really hard to just keep a very positive attitude about all of these changes that are going on. I know that more than anything right now, this is what will keep me going each day, is a positive attitude.

Last week I just had this glum attitude and I can't keep going like that. It makes me feel like I am giving up when I feel so down. So onward with the good attitude!!!!

So I have decided that I need to get back into that really tight diet. I have been slacking a little lately and allowing things here and there, and I just HAVE to stop doing that. I am not going to lose anything if I keep eating things I KNOW I am not supposed to. I know that every once in a while I am going to find myself in a situation that it will be okay, but I just can't allow that to happen right now. I have such a long way to go that I CAN NOT let off the gas now. I will admit that it will take some serious motivation, but it is not impossible!! So that is my goal for this week. Find my way back to that really tight diet!!!

I am signing off there. Lots to think about and figure out!! Have a wonderful Monday everyone! Enjoy whatever life throws at you!

Day 74

Good evening everyone! I had a long day at work today and when I got home I just wanted to spend time with Hayden and Alayna. I hope you all got to enjoy time with family today! I have a really long week ahead of me so I will summarize and keep this short tonight!

I am hopefully going to be going to ortho this week to see what is happening with my ankle! Hayden is speaking to the SGT of the ortho department tomorrow so we will see how that goes! I am excited and nervous all in one to get it looked at. No one seems to have any idea what is going on with my ankle, so we will have to see. 

I hate leaving what is going on with me so in the dark, but your guesses are as good as mine as to what kind of damage there is. But I don't want to harp on it too long!

Well we are watching the Emmy's and don't want to miss a thing!!! Have a good rest of your Sunday everyone!!!

Day 73

Okay I'm stuck on my phone again everyone! I forgot to write this morning so I am writing really quickly!! 

Our new family activity seems to be bowling! We have now gone two nights in a row and LOVED it. Alayna really enjoys it and it's time we can spend as a family! TV free and totally focused on each other! Now yes, it does hurt my ankle. But it's fun and I can work past the pain!!

So I am unfortunately leaving you with that for now! I had a long day at work and want to relax with my family!! Have a happy Saturday everyone!!!

Day 72 - Weigh In

Good Morning everyone and Happy Friday! Boy am I happy that full moon is over. I couldn't handle another day of that. I don't know what it is about the full moon that just puts me in a bad mood. BUT I can't help but be happy this morning....because.....the scale said.............

2.6 pounds down for a total of 32.1 pounds down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it!!! I hit 30 pounds!!! I have NEVER lost this much weight before and it such motivation to KEEP losing!!! I was so tired this morning when I woke up and just couldn't help but feel so happy and awake after seeing that scale. It just goes to show that being on my feet constantly all day and eating right is EXACTLY what the doctor ordered (well actually, he ordered me to be off my feet but YOLO(I don't actually say YOLO, just seemed to fit!!))!

Now I can honestly say that I was floored this morning when I saw that number. I wasn't even sure I was awake enough to be reading that correctly. But it was right (I checked a few times!). I can't believe that all of this is happening. I still have a long way to go before Disney, but I am so so soooo happy with how far I have come already. I never, 72 days ago, thought that I would have been able to do this. I definitely thought I would have given up, or given in, by now. And I have stumbled at some points during this journey (let's not talk about the cupcake I ate last weekend), but that is exactly what is supposed to happen. Am I REALLY supposed to go on living life with out cupcakes and fried foods??? No. That would be ridiculous and I would die a very sad, but healthy, person.

I know I have been kind of flaky lately, and I wanted to give you a nice hearty entry today. I have been distant and not paying attention, but I promise....I still think of you all constantly. On the days that I don't write until late, I know that some of you don't read those, but in the mornings I am just so rushed around getting everyone ready that I forget. So I promise I will try to do better with writing in the mornings. I mean it really doesn't take up that much time!

I hope you all have an incredible Friday! Remember....don't give up on your goals....it's okay to trip or stumble at times, because it's not how you start the race, but how you finish that makes a difference. So everyone go out and KILL IT this weekend. I know I will NOT be eating any cupcakes!!!! Happy Friday again!!!

Day 71

Hello Everyone! Today is my day off, and I am enjoying my time with Alayna. Granted I spent about all morning at the doctors. I have an ortho consult in right now, and should hopefully be getting some answers soon.

I don't want to take up much time today, because I have the whole day with Alayna, and I don't want to waste it!!!

We went to Fort Gordon for the appointment, and luckily Hayden was able to meet me there. They said that unfortunately they are not able to read the MRI's like Ortho would be able to, so I have to wait until I meet with them until I find out what is going on. I am hoping that I can just get in there ASAP to get this all over with and back into the real swing of things!!

I am going to keep it just this short today. My attention span is lacking, and it may just be the full moon, but who knows....time for me to go relax with Alayna!!

Have a wonderful day everyone!!!

Day 70

Day 70!!!! Unbelievable! Really...I can't even believe it! I apologize for the late post again, work was crazy today, and when I got home it was time to spend with Alayna. I have a lot of long days coming up because of some new phone launches coming (can't legally discuss that information in whole ;) ). I was thinking today how much I am trying to juggle right now, that I don't even know how I'm doing it, but somehow I am making it work. I keep getting these updates from our babysitter about how well she is doing and it makes me so happy!

Today she sent me a picture and video of Alayna at the library doing craft time and reading time. It was incredible to see how much she is developing and learning! She can now write A, B, C, and D and spell her name. I am so impressed with how well she is doing, it just pushes me to do well as well.

I am going to keep tonight short, which I know I have been saying a lot lately, but I promise that one of these days I am going to write a very long post about things more personally and how I have been feeling lately. I PROMISE!!! It's coming!! So I bid you all a well evening tonight....I am off to watch a movie with Hayden and relax!

Goodnight everyone <3

Day 69

Good morning everyone! You know it's going to be a good day when you hit snooze 4 times in a row....I can only imagine how today is going to go!! Last night I was talking to a friend and it really did make me look at my life in a whole new way.

When I moved to Virginia with Hayden, I was lucky enough to land an amazing job. I got to do something I love, learn new things, and work with some of the most incredible people that I have ever met to this day. I thought even living in Virginia was hard. I was far from family, I was far from friends, and people kept coming and going. But it was truly nothing compared to here. I still have yet to make any real friends that I have hung out with recreationally, and it was starting to take a toll on me. But then, I realized that I have been so blessed with an amazing daughter, incredible husband, and a wonderful job to occupy my time. So in reality I have a very small amount of free time, that is already being kept by my family. It is hard to be so far from everything you know, but I make the most of it! I love traveling, and I wouldn't give it up for anything. I love the life we live and I am thankful that I was able to write like this to keep myself motivated.

I will admit the last weeks I haven't been doing the best. I have been slacking and giving excuses, but it was just a stumble. I am no longer going to make those excuses. I am going to stick to my guns and be ready for December! After all, I need to make the most out of the one vacation I have this year!

I hope you all have an incredible day today. I have to go out of town for a meeting all day, so I will be in the car most of the day. Stay on track today...it happens (tripping that is), but it's how you handle it that makes you who you are!

Day 68

Good Morning. I had a very early start to this Monday morning so I promised I would write! I unfortunately did not go to the gym yesterday evening because I realized I had to be up so early. So It didn't seem to make sense to keep myself exhausted today. So tonight I will be going since I am off early today! I am going to try the bike again. Especially since I have another doctors appointment Thursday.

It is nothing special, just going to try and get an Ortho referral. Hopefully they will look over the scans with me so I can at least see what is going on with the muscle. Which apparently is where the damage is. SO hopefully I am on my way to some answers this week!!

So I think these last couple weeks I have let my frustrations get the best of me, and this week I REFUSE to let that happen again. No matter what the numbers say, or what I am fitting in, I am making a change some how.

Alright, time to get the baby up and ready, and time for me to head out to work! I hope you all have a wonderful Monday and keep positive this week!!!

Day 67

Good morning, and happy Sunday to everyone! Hope you are all having a wonderful day and enjoying your time with your family. I have been blessed with two days off in a row with Hayden and Alayna. We are spending the day cleaning and watching movies and football together! It's nice to just be able to relax with each other.

After the day that we had yesterday, how happy I was, I have carried that out to today. I am having a wonderful day with my family and just trying to take advantage of it as much as possible. I am going to go to the gym tonight and then have a nice early day at work tomorrow morning. So we are going to relax all day together!

I don't want to take up too much of your time today because YOU TOO should be taking advantage of family time. I have realized through all of this that this is what is most important!!! Making the most of the time I have with them, and making sure I am around for them for as long as possible!!! That is what this is allll about! Being around for them and being able to take care of them as best I can.

Alright everyone, I am done! Have a wonderful day with your family and friends! And enjoy all the football you would like!

Day 66

Good evening everyone! Things are a little better today, but it was my day off and I wanted to give it entirely to Hayden and Alayna. Now I don't want to take too much of your Saturday evening up, but I did want to talk a little bit about my shopping experience today.

I had to go to Old Navy because my current pants can fit about 2 and a half people in them. So I decided to pick out two other pairs of pants and let me tell you, I was able to actually button up a pair of pants two sizes smaller than what I have been wearing!!! I haven't worn this size since I was in high school!!! It completely turned around my attitude I have had the last couple days.

I apologize for my very negative posts as of lately. I have just been down and feeling sorry for myself. I need to wipe that attitude from my mind! I need to be happier about the progress I've made, not negative about the bumps I hit in the road! So thank you all for your kind words, they have really helped! I hope to really start seeing more results as I ease back into my gym routines!!

Have a wonderful Saturday night!!!

Day 65 - Weigh In

I wish I could be writing and telling you that I lost all this weight this week, and that I was feeling better this morning. But unfortunately, I can't shake this mood, and I am NOT happy with what came up on the scale today. I weighed in .7 pounds down for a total of 29.5 pounds down in 65 days.

I know what everyone is going to say, "Bethany, you've lost 29.5 pounds!!!". I am happy with that number, please don't take my bad mood as me being unhappy about losing 29.5 pounds. However, I am just not happy to lose less than 1 pound in one week.

I think it is time to go back to the gym no matter what. I guess I will just need to suck it up and try the bike again. I just can't stand this not going anymore. I know I will need to be more careful, but .7 every week is just not going to cut it in my book. I NEED to be putting in harder work to get better results. I know I am capable of more, because I have seen more in weeks previous.

On a different note, I think what has me feeling so down lately is that I feel very stuck. Granted I know changes are happening, I am feeling more stuck than ever. I think what it really is, is that I haven't seen any real physical changes in a couple weeks and it is starting to really weigh on me. I expect these great changes to happen and then nothing is happening. I look in the mirror and I am still that same person I was two weeks ago, and sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel like nothing has changed at all.

I know that I am sounding really sorry for myself right now, but I'm not. I am trying my best to take this attitude and do something about it, but it is very difficult. I just need to find that internal motivation to keep moving and I am having to dig deeper than I have in a very long time to do that. I mean.... .7 pounds in one week should be motivation enough to kick my butt into the gym and to go even harder. So hopefully this will jump start me ASAP!

I am going to leave you all there. I still have to get ready for work, and try to cheer up enough to be happy at work. I hope you all have an excellent Friday.

Day 64

Good evening everyone. I am keeping it really really short tonight. I am in one foul mood and don't want to stay on for too long. I just don't have it in me to keep my attitude up and staying happy today.

I had a really awful day at work and found out some things that were very hurtful that I am just needing to think about tonight. I hope you all understand.

Tomorrow is weigh in day, so hopefully after a good nights sleep I can think a little more clearly tomorrow. Have a good night everyone....

Day 63

Alright everyone....I forgot to write this morning! I am so sorry!!! I am going to keep tonight VERY short! Just enough to fill you in on how yesterdays appointment went.

I got the results back (preliminarily) and the Achilles is fully in tact, which is GREAT!! However, the muscle surrounding it is damaged. And there is a lot of fluid build up in my ankle around the accessory muscle (whatever that is). So I will now have to try to get an ortho appointment and we can go from there on how to fix it. The pain has just been increasing day by day and I am hoping to get this moving quickly because of it.

I told Hayden I wanted to go to the gym tonight, but we both discussed, and I am going to wait until next week after my regular appointment to see what the doctor says I should do.

I apologize again for no post! It just completely slipped my mind this morning while getting ready. I hope you all had a wonderful Wednesday!! I will write a longer post tomorrow, I promise!!

Day 62

Good Morning everyone. I was up nice and early today to go get an MRI and X-Rays done on my ankle. Hopefully I will be getting some answers quickly and I can be well on my way to healing!!

I am so nervous to just find out what is going on. I feel like I have been waiting for some time now, since this pain has started really, and now that it is here, I am just worried about what it is going to say. Hopefully it is something that can be fixed easily and won't put me out any longer than necessary. I know that it has been a crazy month or so and I am just hoping that this helps things go just a little bit better!

I sit here and think of how happy I am with how life is going right now. I know that I talk a lot about getting down, and I was down yesterday morning, but I feel like I have no reason to be down! I have so many things going for me in my life, that why would I be down??? It would be selfish of me to not be happy with everything that is going better for me. Sometimes I find that I am so worried about everyone else that I don't stop to think about how well things are going for me and just how happy I should be. I want to be happy and there is no reason I shouldn't be. I have to stop letting small things get in my way of feeling like that.

I am keeping it fairly short today because I am so on edge waiting for Hayden's call about this morning. So I will let you all know tomorrow what is going on! Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Day 61

Good Morning everyone! Day 61!!! Made it to month three! I can't believe I have been on this journey for this long already! I am truly speechless in this whole situation!! I have struggled a lot already, and I can't imagine what is still to come, but I couldn't have done it without this blog. For all of you that read this every day, I literally could not have done this without any of you!!!

If I had not started this blog, I can promise you that I would have given up already. I would have gone ahead and just given into my old ways and nothing would have changed. Granted I have hit some what of a roadblock lately with gym activities, I have still been making progress.

Sometimes I take a look at this one picture I have of me, and think what happened? Why was I so unhappy that I let it get to that. I mean eating just because I was sad, and eating because I thought that was the solution. I was so unhappy and angry at myself that I won't ever let it get that way again. I refuse to put myself in that body again.

Now I know I said I would put up a Teriyaki Pork Taco Recipe, but we tried them, and they were not very good, so I will NOT be passing on that recipe! I have to keep getting ready for work, but I hope you all have a wonderful Monday. If you are struggling, remember why you started, and keep that in your front focus today. Don't quit. You CAN do it!!!

Day 60

Day 60!!!!! Two Months down and a lifetime to go!! I can't even believe I am almost 30 pounds down! I am so so soooo ready to get back in that gym and make an even bigger difference. I tried biking last night and let me just tell you....probably one of my worst ideas I've had in a while. If anyone knows anything about me, I'm stubborn. When I hurt my thumb in high school, playing volleyball, I went back after resting three weeks instead of the recommended 6-9 months. I don't like to rest. Although I'm sure that is why my thumb still hurts to this day. From everyone I have spoken to, an Achilles injury is nothing to mess around with, so I won't. Hayden is going to talk to the Radiologist tomorrow and see about getting an MRI as soon as possible. And then we will go from there.

I feel like I have been really lucky so far to still be losing weight, even though I am unable to go to the gym. But I don't know how long that will be happening for. I am hoping that I can heal quickly and be back at it in no time!! No matter what has happened though, I have still been eating right and making sure to take care of myself as much as possible.

Well today is football day in our house, it's Pittsburgh Steeler time!! We are a house divided, but at least I have Alayna on my side!! I know I said I would write an in-depth post, but I can't help but spend my one day off with Hayden and Alayna. I hope you all enjoy your Sundays with family and friends. I will post our recipe for Teriyaki Pork Wraps tomorrow after we eat them tonight!!!!

Day 59

Good morning everyone! I'm stuck writing on my phone again today so excuse spelling errors. I hope you all had a wonderful Friday evening! I know Hayden and I had a blast! It was a night of celebration because work has been going so well. It's amazing how happy I felt yesterday and I just pray that that feeling continues to carry me through.

You know yesterday I found out that there were people reading this blog that I didn't even know about! So I really want to sit down and say thank you to you phantom ninja readers out there who don't comment but still read! I am so appreciative and overwhelmingly happy that you are reading this blog! I never in a million years thought that people would want to read this everyday! I mean I have people who message me with how much they love reading when really I just thought a few of you would have caught on! So thank you!! You are the reason I write and fight every day!!

Now I can't make today long because I hate writing on my phone, but I am FINALLY off work tomorrow and will write a nice long post for you all! Have a wonderful Saturday all you loyal readers both ninja and non ninja alike!!

Day 58 - Weigh In

Weigh in day...it's finally here. Seems like since I started back to work, it is happening more often than not! But it keeps me on my toes! So I was thinking today that maybe I would make all of you wait until the VERY END of this post to see what I weighed in at this week. But then I assumed that people would just scroll to the bottom, read, and then scroll back up and read the rest. So go ahead everyone.....scroll to the bottom of the page....read my numbers.................


Tricked you...I am going to put them right here! This week I weighed in 2.9 lbs. down for a total of 28.8 lbs. down in 58 days! Again, it wasn't quite where I wanted to be, but I will take 28.8 over 0 any day of the week!!!!

So for all of you that scrolled down for nothing, I apologize. Just feeling in a cheerful mood this morning! I woke up feeling tired, down, and ready to just crawl back into bed. Until I went to get my morning shake and I saw something on my fridge. It's a little card from my Nonnie's funeral and it says:

God hath not promised

skies always blue. Flowers strewn

pathways all our lives through;

God hath not promised

sun without rain, joy without sorrow,

peace without pain. 

But God hath promised 

strength for the day, rest for the labor,

light for the way, grace for the trials,

help from above, unfailing sympathy,

undying love.

It was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Nonnie always has a way of coming into my life exactly when I need her. When things weren't going well, and I really needed to get a job, she was there. I know I have a guardian angel watching over me through all of this. So because I know she is reading or listening, thank you. Thank you for guiding me when you knew I needed it, and allowing me to figure things out on my own when you knew that was what was best for me. You have always had a faith and love in me that was unexplainable. You have pushed me through this journey more than I ever thought possible, because you weren't here, but I found out you are always here. It is just how you choose to make yourself present, that makes me see you now. So, thank you.

And thank YOU! All of you have kept on pushing. When I'm down, injured, sick, failing, or even just happy and having you share in that! This journey is hard. Anyone who has ever been through it, or tried and stumbled, knows it is a hard thing to do. You are changing your entire life around to adapt to a new way of life. So thank you all for sticking with me!

Have a wonderful Friday! Enjoy your family, friends, and even co-workers. They are what make you who you are, and keep you on the journey you are on. Don't ever forget that!

Day 57

Another morning up early and post late. I don't know what I need to do to get up early and just write! I have been working 12 hour days lately, and they just have me so tired. Tomorrow is weigh in day, and I can honestly say I think I am about the same as last week. I have been fluctuating all week and it just hasn't been enjoyable to see. So hopefully I can turn it around this next week.

I have felt very hopeless this week because of not being able to work out. It has been a very painful week because I am both in pain from my ankle hurting and in emotional pain from not working out. I just really want to get back in the gym, and my body is telling me it's not ready to go back. So I sit and wait until my ankle is ready to run again. I have been doing abs and arms until then, but it is just not sufficing me. I WANT/NEED to get back in that gym on the elliptical and on the treadmill and the stepper and rower. I'm tired of being at a stand still.

I know have been complaining about this a lot lately, but it is what I am feeling. I can't help but feel so angry with my results. I am angry with how my body is treating me after I try to help it to feel better and healthier. I am ANGRY with the results that are showing up while I am not working out like I want. And I just need to figure out how to get past all this anger.

I wish I could tell you all I went back to the gym yesterday, but I couldn't. I was just in too much pain. I couldn't help but feel like I was about to break apart as soon as I started just stretching to run. SO I think I just need to focus on very healing thoughts. Hopefully that will benefit me in the long run.

Alright...enough rambling from me. I am finally home from work, and I want to relax. You all do the same! Talk to you tomorrow AM for weigh in day!

Day 56

Well....I am late again today!!! I apologize, it was an early day at work today, but at least I am home now and relaxing. I have decided today is definitely going to be a very short post since I have some very much needed time with Alayna. It is very rare that I am home with her, so I want to take advantage of it!!

So I am headed back to the gym tonight for the first time in a little under a week (since I hurt my ankle), and we will see how it goes. I am in a pretty severe amount of pain, but I'm hoping it is something I can work through.

I know what you all are thinking, "You need to take time off to heal". I feel like I have taken the time I need and I just need to get back in the gym and see how it goes. I need to feel like I am doing something other than just eating healthy!!

Okay......I told you it was going to be short, I wasn't kidding!!! Off to spend time with my favorite little girl! Have a wonderful rest of the day!

Day 55

Day 55......already???? I don't even believe it! It doesn't feel like it has been that long already! I know towards the beginning of this journey, I made a list of why I was doing this. Some of those things have changed, and some have stayed the same, and I have also added to that list. I thought maybe today I would take a look at that list and remind myself why I want to be this new person so bad....

• Alayna....she is so important to me, and I know that she is (other than myself) the biggest reason I want to change.
• Hayden, of course. I want him to get the best possible version of me that is possible.
• My family....they also deserve the most amazing daughter and sister and aunt that is possible. So I need to be healthy and happy for them.
• To go shopping and not walk out of the store crying. Being able to shop at the same store as Hayden. I've never been able to, and I would love to not have to go to a special store just because I can't fit in the ones where he is (the clothes, not the store...that would be ridiculous!).
• Disney world!!!!! To be able to fit in the rides and keep up with my family. I want to make the most out of this trip, and if that means being healthy and happy, so be it!
• Fitting into a nice swimsuit without having to wear a cover up or tshirt the whole time!!
• To have some ABS!!!!! This one is self explanatory!
• Being able to keep up with Alayna and letting nothing hold me back!!
• Being able to wear heels and not feel like I'm going to fall down with every step!
• To feel comfortable in front of the camera, not just behind it.

So I changed and expanded some of the list, but they are all still relevant. I just feel like there is so much left to change, but still so much that has. I most of all, more than anything on this list, just want to be 100% happy and healthy with myself. I just want to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend, and person I can possibly be. I hope that I can constantly keep these goals in mind even when I am feeling down. 

All of you, don't forget why you start something. I know sometimes we get so blinded by what we want...like that pizza, or drink, or whatever else is something you LOVE, but you just have to remember why you started. And don't EVER forget where you came from...it will help push you through any road block you come across.

Day 54

Good Morning Everyone, and a VERY happy Monday to you! Today is my first day in my actual position. And let me tell you, my stomach is TURNING!!!! I never thought I could feel this sick over a job. There is so much responsibility that comes with this position. When I originally took the job, I asked if there would be an assistant manager for me, or a general manager for me to go to, and the response was, "No, just you.". So I guess I just have to take the bull by the horns and run with it!

Now I decided yesterday that I would not let this injury get me down. I am working my butt off at work and coming home and trying to separate myself from that, and then I head to the gym and separate myself from home as well. So I guess I just decided to keep my head fully focused on these two things for the next week since I can't go to the gym any way (although I might sneak over and do some arms and abs one day). I know that the doctor knows what is best for me, but it is just frustrating to feel like I hit a road block. At least I am making sure to eat healthy and am still doing a good amount of walking each day at work.

I never thought I would be able to juggle all of this when I saw how many hours a week I would be working. Yet somehow, I seem to be doing it. Some days I am absolutely more tired than others (usually Friday's because I work from 8-8), but I get by. I feel like I see my family managing more than one thing and I think, "Why can't I do that???". You readers, friends, and family are what push me through my day, each day. I think about how you all keep me uplifted and motivated when I am at my lows. I know there have been quite a few of them already and I am sure there are more to come, but you are always there. Time after time you all amaze me with your support.

So I close today with a HUGE thank you. And a PLEASE continue with me on this journey. I know I have such a long way yet to go, and it would be absolutely impossible without all of you!! I hope that in some small (or possibly big) way I have helped inspire you to make changes, or think before you do. I hope that I can, from here on out, lead by example. I thank and love all of you!!!

Day 53

Good Morning Everyone! Happy Sunday!!!!

Today is yet again, another day of work. I fortunately got a nice night of sleep, and looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, saw someone who was happy. I feel pretty and feel like I'm looking good. Now, by no means am I even 1/1000th of the way through this journey, but I'm that much closer!!! I am finally able to look in the mirror and see someone who actually wants to see themselves.

So these last few days I have been pretty upset with how things have been playing out. I am upset that I have to take a week off. I'm upset that I can't spend more time at home, and I'm upset that I'm still stuck in certain clothes. But then.....I put on a bra from about 4 years ago today....and it fit perfectly! I took pictures today (I do periodically just so I can see how I'm doing) and I couldn't believe what I saw. It's incredible how looking in the mirror, I can't really see anything, but when I compare the pictures side by side, I can see it so much clearer. I guess my eyes are so set on seeing what I hate to see, and not all of the incredible changes that have happened.

I told Hayden I think it is time to start shopping for new pants, but I am really scared how it will go. I hate how shopping has become this feared thing to me. I always go in and see all the clothes I want to be wearing, and decide to just leave as to not embarrass myself....I just don't want that to happen. So I will give you all an update on how that goes after it happens!!!

I have to go get ready for work, but you all have a wonderful Sunday!!