Day 167

Alright everyone, I'm trying my best to stay positive today. I have had a long, grueling day, and to say it has tested me, would be an understatement. I am having a hard time lately accepting things that I don't have any control over. I work hard and sometimes I just don't think that it is always being seen. I try my best to do my best, and it just doesn't seem to be enough. I have been discouraged about things in the past, and I am trying to stay positive about these things, but I just find it very trying at times. I have decided to stop counting the days on my blog....a few reasons why... A. It is no longer accurate, because I skipped so much time. B. I think I have more meaningful things to say than, DAY XXXXX. C. I need to give you a little heads up of what is coming... All in favor say "I". I'll tally up all two votes at the end of the evening. I know I have been more absent than usual on my blog, and the reason is I am either feeling too sick to write, or I am just too busy at work. I have no happy medium as of late. SO I will really try to make a more conscience effort to write to you all. You know my dad messaged me and said he needed it for motivation. I don't think I am really motivating that many people with my rambles. If this blog has been anything, it's just been away for me to get away with the talking inside my head haha. But on a serious note, this blog calms me and brings me peace. It is a way for me to work through problems by almost talking to this virtual reality that is all of you. I know sometimes I can stray from what the real goal is of this blog, but in the end it is and always has been about bettering myself. Which I am slowly but surely doing. I need to be around positive vibes and energies to make myself a better more well rounded person, so my goal is to find people who want to be as positive and happy as me. I don't have any people here that are close to me like my friends at home were, and I may never find people like them again. But enough is enough. I am tired of hiding behind a computer, or a house saying I don't have time. Now is the time for me to get out there and make some new friends that understand me. I need some positive energy in my life, or I will be stuck in this rutt forever. SO on that note, I apologize for another rambly post, but please let me know what you think about my daily titles. It means a lot when you guys respond. I am working on getting healthier (illness wise), so I should be feeling more up for writing now! I will promise to get back into my daily routine as soon as possible! Have a great evening everyone!!

Day 166

Good Evening everyone! I'm sorry I haven't written in a couple days. I have been kind of busy with work and still sick. I somehow got like a third round of plague and am hoping to start feeling better soon! I thought this morning I was feeling better and somehow I am feeling sick again. So I am going to rest all day tomorrow and hopefully that will help!

So what have you missed....I recently celebrated my 4 year wedding anniversary! Went out on a date with Hayden for the first time in YEARS!! I honestly think it has been about two years since we have gone out on a date, so that was so nice!! Went to a nice Japanese steakhouse and then a movie! It was a good time.

I am keeping tonight short, since I am really not feeling all that well and I am ready for bed already. I feel like I am about a thousand years old...going to bed at 10 on a Saturday! But I am going to write a nice long post tomorrow while I am relaxing!

I hope you all have a wonderful evening!!

Day 165

Good Evening Everyone!! Sorry about yesterday....I am coming down with the plague...again....I can't seem to catch a break this season. I was starting to feel better and then all of a sudden, I took another turn for the worse. It started yesterday at work, and then this morning I woke up with a 102 temperature. So I'm starting to feel a little better tonight, but I am still not at 100%. The biggest reason I am not getting better is that I am not resting. Every night when I get home I am so busy trying to take care of things at home, that I don't just sit down and relax. So I am going to try my best, over the next couple days, to just relax. Because this illness is just too much for me to handle.

As for the working out thing, it's going well! I am enjoying getting back into the swing of things. I enjoy being in the element I most enjoy! I forgot how much happier I was when I was at the gym. Other things don't seem to be as stressful or worrisome when I have been working out.

I wanted to be a new person this year. Really focus on doing good for others. I want to look into new things and new adventures, and so far, I have had great support in that area. My mother in particular has been very helpful with some great bugs in my ear. I want to just "DO GOOD" this year. I can't really put it into more detailed words, but that's my goal for 2014. I have had so many positive influences in my life, that I have been lucky to have, that I just want to give that positive energy back to my friends and people that I meet. They deserve to meet someone like that, just like I deserved to meet someone like that. I guess what it really comes down to, is I want to pay it forward. I think that I have the ability to do that, pay it forward I mean. I even looked into how I can help at possible homeless shelters, volunteering at the local hospitals, and possibly even going to nursing homes to volunteer there as well. I just want to bring joy to the people around me.

SO I know that today's post was a little here and there, but I hope it was readable! I hope you all have a great night!!!

Day 164

Good Evening everyone! I'm so sorry I forgot to write yesterday, but I have realized that I don't feel as bad if I don't write. I know before I felt obligated to write, and write long posts, but not anymore. If I don't feel up for writing, and know that all I would be writing is filler and fluff, than I know that it's probably just best if I don't write. So I am writing tonight to let you know that yesterday, I came home late and wanted to just spend time with Hayden and Alayna, so I didn't write. It was nice to just relax and have fun with them, and not feel like I HAD to write.

I felt so obligated before. Like people just sit around waiting for me to write.....which they obviously don't. So I don't feel as bad about not writing if I am too busy to...

Alright, so I don't want this post to make you feel like I don't want to write, I just wanted to explain why I don't post all the time now! Nothing personal everyone!

So today I would have written earlier, but I was enjoying watching some movies with Hayden and Alayna and wanted to just relax! Sometimes that is my favorite thing to do. I admitted to Hayden today I had the worst snack cravings, but I was so happy that I decided on oranges and some fruit leather, over some other not so great choices!!! Sometimes I just need to put things back into perspective to realize that I am doing okay!! I know it has only been a few days, but I am making it by! I am nervous and excited to see what Friday has in store, but until then.....I am going to just keep kicking butt!!!

Have a good Sunday night everyone!

Day 163

Good Evening everyone! I had a nice long day today and I am so tired. I didn't think that I would have trouble waking up this morning after getting home late, but boy was I wrong. I was so tired this morning because I could not seem to go to bed after the gym last night. I was so fired up that I wanted to just keep going, so when I came home, I wanted to just stay up!!

So back to this morning, I did get on the scale for the first time in a while. I reset my "MFP" and I am not happy with what I saw at all. But like I said, I am ready to make that number just rocket downwards! I know that I wasn't on my A game these last few months, but it is back to business. I am tired of letting myself and others down. I know that I can commit to this!! I am ready to start that initial 2 weeks that I hate so much....If I can get there, I can get back on track and start seeing the results I love so much!!!

So I hope that you all are back on board with me! I know that I was absent for some time, but I am here, and I am ready to start this journey back up again. I am not happy with myself, but I am letting it motivate me. I look in the mirror now and see potential! That's something that has taken me a very long time to come to terms with. It's not that I am demotivated by that person, but I strive to make her a better person. I love myself, and I never thought that possible. This journey is just about improving upon what is already there!!

Have a great Friday Night everyone! We are spending ours cuddled up watching movies and keeping the fire on since it's freezing!! Enjoy!!!

Day 162

Alright everyone, another night of confessions coming your way! I hate admitting this one, but it's something I have to do to really feel like I'm starting fresh this year........I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. Probably since I got home from Disney World is the last time I weighed myself. I have been so worried about what I am going to see what I get on that scale, that I have just been avoiding it all together. So for now, I am going to just breath deep breaths tomorrow and see what it says. I will continue to weigh in on Fridays, I preferred it really, but I will have a official weigh in next week. Tomorrow will just be me getting on the scale to see a "start-ish" point. I don't want to say that I am starting completely over, because I have made progress, I just.....digressed a little bit along the way. So tomorrow...I jump on that scale and will brave it just like other week. And KNOW that it will be going down the week after that.

So I am heading back into the place I fear so much, which is the grocery store....I don't like going in just because there is just so much temptation that lurks around every corner. There are so many options to derail me, that I just hate going. I know that there are foods that are good for me there, but come on....bunch of chocolate cookies is going to look much better than cup of carrots. I mean who doesn't agree with me on that one???? So I will venture back in tonight and see what lies in store for me.

I also am headed back to the gym tonight. As tired as I know I am, I know what is more important to me. And what will always be more important to me, is making sure that I am healthy and happy, and around for forever with Alayna!!

So I leave you all with a thought, what changes are you making in your lives for the better this year? Now, I made a resolution on top of this change, to be a better person....that means mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. Sometimes I get distracted with things that I can be a bad one of the above, and this year, I want to change that. I also want to live by one of my favorite TV show quotes.....I leave you with that tonight to think about...it's my new years goal!!

Day 161 - 1

Good Evening Everyone....and Happy New Year!!!! I hope you all had a great close to 2013 and are ready to welcome 2014 with open arms!!! I know I am.  I am finally back at it, blogging that is, as well as everything else. I am here to admit something I never wanted to have to do....I gave up on myself.

I always do, and I was too scared to tell you all that. I guess I figured if I just kept blogging maybe I would be able to fake myself out. I stopped going to the gym and got so focused on work and home that I stopped worrying about me, and I gave up. But this is me making a promise that I will not do that again. I never stopped thinking about what I started. Not once. Every day I looked in the mirror and realized I am not the person I promised myself to be for 2014, and I hate that. But instead of discouraging me, it will motivate me. It has to, or I won't be able to go on in this battle.

Now, I don't want people to think this is my New Year's resolution. In no way is this a resolution. This is a solution....a lifetime fix. It's not about getting back on the horse, but about keeping on the same path. There never was a horse, just me and this journey. I may get off the path at times, but I am always headed in the right direction and am on the same journey. (so many horrible cliches here, stick with me!) I know that I can do this, and I have done it, but this time it's about staying focused. It's about having a goal in mind, small goals at first and then eventually making it to the big goal.

So in 2014, I am not making this my resolution, but my stance, my change. I apologize that I let all of you down. This blog took some sort of turn and I hate what it became. It wasn't inspiring, if anything it was demotivating. I talked myself out of everything, and I stopped caring about me. That time is over. I am here to make changes and inspire changes. I am ready to become that person I was months ago....she was a strong person, and I can't wait to welcome her back.

I thank each and every one of you that have stayed with me. And I welcome back people who choose to start reading again. I am sorry for the long wait on the lightbulb to go off, but I am here and I am ready to get back on the right path!!! I look forward to the journey with all of you by my side and cheering!!!

Happy New Year everyone....I can't wait to see what 2014 holds for me!!!