Keeping Up

So I promised that I would keep up with my blog, and I will not let you down. I will not be writing every day. I would not set myself up for that kind of failure anymore. It was ridiculous to think that I could continue that. However I will write whenever I can. I am doing a great job of keeping up with my lifestyle change! The yoga however has been a little bit more difficult to keep up with. I am trying my best to at least work out though. I have been going for walks, I have been going to work and making sure to walk around and keep busy as often as possible, walking the steps at home up and down, anything I can possibly do. I know some of those things sound silly, but they keep me active!

This change in my life has been eye opening, it has been really difficult not to weigh in every week, but as someone who has made a huge impact on my life once said, it's not the pounds that matter, but how you feel, and the inches that matter. Health is always more important, and something that should be noted is that my liver has been getting healthier and healthier. The test they did last time showed that my fatty liver disease had severely decreased which is just fantastic!!! Apparently this diet and exercise thing really do work!

I have been scolded though through this process that I have not been eating enough. I went to see a nutritionist and dietitian and they told me that what I was doing was all wrong. So I decided to switch it up, and make sure that I was doing what was right for my body and I have seen a huge difference! I am so lucky to have such a support system in this journey though. I hope I haven't lost all of my readers, since this isn't going to facebook any longer. That was my biggest market for this blog, so hopefully this will reach other people!

I am leaving you all to that, and I promise that I will make an effort to write sooner. If there is anything more you would like to read, feel free to leave a comment and let me know! I am an open book!

I Get It Now

Okay, so I get it now. Getting back on the horse is something that people are going to have to do for the entirety of their lives. However this time, I saw numbers that I know are very serious in my blood work, and I want to be around for my child for years to come so, here I am, making the best out of my life. I know that I have told you all that I am back on for good, but I am not going to say that this time. I am sure I will fall, and I am sure that this is not the only time that I will trip and stagger, but I want to do my best. So here goes.

I started about a month ago at the heaviest I have ever been. I am actually 13 pounds down from that, as of last week at the doctors. I have also decided after speaking to a very close friend that I will not be weighing in each week, because I become obsessive over the number and not how I look, because sometimes how I look IS more important. So I will only be weighing in at doctor's appointments. I will not weigh in at home any longer, because that will only cause anxiety and stress, and trust me, I need no extra of that!

I have been very focused on doing Yoga and putting into my body, better things. No longer putting in processed foods, only shopping on the outsides of the grocery store, not on the inside aisles. Keeping the focused mind is keeping the body focused on a healthier body as well. I have never felt better in my life because of this. I am trying my best to make sure that I am making very conscience decisions when it comes to my life. I no longer have time in my life to make poor ones.

This is my second chance and this is where I stand up and take it. Like I said, I may stumble and fall, but I know that change needs to happen this time, so I can't wait to take this journey this time!

So About Last Night

So yesterday's post, a little dreary, I get it. I truly hope that my out look on things will change. I have been thinking a lot about home and what my life is like these days. With school, work, parenting, doctors appointments, and the array of other things going on....it's a wonder I get frustrated sometimes. I get down and upset being alone. Hayden and I have done this for years, so I am used to it, but he is on night shift, so we just kind of tap out in the morning and at night, and I never get to see Alayna, so that's on my "things that bring me down" list as well. 

It's almost like I'm at a time in my life where I don't know how to be happy anymore. A good friend said, you can't make yourself feel happy, it's a feeling that comes from within, a state of mind. Not something you can force your body into doing. However that state of mind isn't present, and hasn't been for a long time. Every once in a while, I will have a happy moment that sparks and it's like it lit the match and it just got too hot and I couldn't keep it lit. What I need is either a longer match or a lighter, that will burn for days to keep me happy. There is so much going on in this world, and to compare myself to others unhappiness would be unlawful. Yet, somehow I still feel sorry for myself in an extremely selfish way when it comes to my happiness.

Hayden and I had a talk a few months ago about me moving up to Pittsburgh with Alayna, and I just couldn't commit to being that selfish. I know it would make me happier to be with family and friends and in an environment that is steady and I can thrive in, but being without Hayden and Hayden being without Alayna, I couldn't do that. I couldn't take her from him, they are two peas in a pod. So I have to take the high road and finish out the time we have left here. 

I am not going to continue writing today, because it's going to turn into a "boo-hoo" me post. And I certainly don't want another one of those. But I think I am going to take a few days off from writing on here. Just need to take some time to get in touch with some people and maybe put me in a different mindset. Because this mindset is just too much to deal with at this time. So I will be back in a few days. Think happy, be happy, and indulge in happy as much as possible. That's what I'll be looking for these next few days. 

Alright, I Get It

I know, I'm not the best at posting. But I have lots of updates for you. One, I went to the doctor and it looks like we may have a little bit of a close on the gap of what could possibly be wrong, downside is I have to have blood taken every two weeks for the next (however long he tells me) until we can get a positive diagnosis. Two, I lost a significant amount of weight since my last visit, which I great! I told the doctor about my problems with eating and how I don't feel like eating, and he said it was indeed the medication and that I had to just wait it out and keep eating as much protein as I can. So I am feeling really good about that. 

I also had a couple other things that I wanted to talk about, since it has been so long since our last talk. One, my website is still in the process of being finished, but it is indeed up and running and I just updated the blog on that site to tell about my new work, so head over to bekephotography.com to see what's going on over there!

Lastly, I wanted to talk about a saying we have, and it may just be in the Girl Scout culture, but I'm pretty sure everyone has heard it. Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. Now, in my opinion, that's a crappy statement. We have grown up in a society where gold is definitely better than silver, however I find my old friends to by gold no matter how many new friends I find. But in that saying, make new friends, but keep the old.....why is it so hard for us to keep the old? I had a discussion with a friend the other day and said, "I thought long and deep about my life today. I thought about the people who have entered and exited. Both on purpose and just lost connection with. And I realize that when I think about how upsettingly lonely I am each and every day, with Hayden and Alayna as the only people in my life, and most times not even them. I'm miserable. I put on a smile every day like I'm doing okay or that I'm fine with having no one, and that I don't need anyone to fill that void. But I'm not. I'm lonely and it terrifies me. I attribute so much of my depression (yes, I have depression) to this. It is truly debilitating to feel alone. Like you have no one in this world to curl up with. The person you thought you had, isn't really there. I don't wake up happy anymore, however I wake up feeling burdened." I know I know, it was a lengthy text, but it was how I felt. I know I have friends here, and I am so blessed to have the ones I do have. But the ones that have left, faded, or just vanished....it makes me push away. 

There are people in my life that I have never wanted to push away, and for some reason am now finding reasons as an adult to push. I don't want negativity in my life. There are two people (and I hope they read this and know who they are), that opened my eyes to the fact that I only came to them when I had a problem. And I wasn't doing it on purpose, by no means, but it was in fact true. And it changed how I worked my friendships. I think it tainted those friendships for sure, but I know in the background, they are still there. I made a realization yesterday, that I am that person to plenty of people. They come to me, get my advice on their problem, and I don't talk to them again. That's not friendship. That's counseling, and I should start charging by the hour or text. 

I guess what this post is really about is that I miss some of my old friends that said, "Friends forever right?". Where are you now? Where are those friends. I hope you read this, because this is me reaching out. I would love to have you back in my life, because at the end of the day, I will make new friends, but ALWAYS keep the old. Mine are no silver, but only Gold.

Two Days In A Row

I'm not letting you down today, I'm keeping my word and going to try and keep on keepin on daily. So I'm going to give everyone a little run down on what I like to call "Spring Sucks".....everyone else gets excited as the spring flowers start to bloom, the weather gets warmer, and the birds start chirping. For people with allergies it's like living in our own personal hell. If we go outside, there is a small chance that we could die. And for all my friends up North who are like, "Bethany, they are way worse up here!". I say nay. The pollen down here literally is covering everything with at least a half inch of it's gross debris. I leave my car under a tree and am scared to touch the handle when I get in. It's like if I touch this, and then touch my nose or eyes, I will have made the largest mistake of my life, and I've made some big mistakes. 

Some of you may ask, "Why are you talking about allergies Bethany?". Well some of you, they have prevented me from any physical activity in the last few days to a week. I have been hit harder this year even with medicine, than I have any other year. On my lunch breaks at work, I stay inside as to not have to touch any pollen. My windows and doors must stay shut because if they don't I go into nasal and throat scratching frenzy. I literally felt like I was dying this past week. I hit a 104 temperature, which I have never done when my allergies get bad, but this year was bad. 

So now that I am finally in recovery mode, seeing as it has rained, I am feeling much better, and at a point where I can actually breathe at night. I still fear the sun and all the pollen, but luckily my body is recovering. I'm not going to write much but I am going to leave you with, keep going. I know I stopped because of allergies, because I listened to my body. Listen to your body. But always push. No matter what. 

                                  

I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry!!!

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter and celebrated the real reason to eat all those chocolate bunniesa and peanut butter cup eggs...Jesus died, and was raised for us to live the lives we live now. Not a day goes by that I am thankful for that. 

So now that Lent is over, my husband's first few thoughts were, "Yes, we can eat meat on Friday's and I don't mess up as much. Can Alayna stay home with me on Sunday's or does she still need to go to church with you? (and the most ridiculous one) Are you done with doing something for other people?". I sat and thought about the questions...yes, we can eat meat all day every day now you carnivourous doofus. Yes, she is still going to church with me. And the last one stumped me...I wasn't sure if he was serious or if he was joking. 

I went to my meditation room (which I have one of those now) and I decided to think about what he had asked. He didn't ask it in a malicious way, so no mean responses to him, but he was just curious. So I decided to think about it. I meditated to some very clear meditation music and it hit me...when I helped people, or did something good to get off my back, I felt better. After this revelation I ran down stairs and told him.

I didn't want to stop doing good or letting go of old "grudges" if that's what you want to call them. I know that they teach the lesson that you crunch the paper, and smooth it out, and it is never the same. But in my eyes I will see the paper as smooth again. I am forgiving and letting go of those damaged pieces of me. They are holding me back, and it's not healthy for me. 

On another note, I had written in my last entry for you all to let me know if you wanted this to just be about food, diet, and how I am doing.....more crickets than ever. So I am going to continue to do what I have been doing, and that is incorporating both. I want to share with you what is going on in my life, and I want to be able to share with you how my daily struggles or successes are going as well. So I am going to leave the name what it is, but continue to do the same thing. 

As my grandfather would put so sweetly, I guess Easter is shot in the ass, so on to the next big adventure. Alayna's birthday card invitations should be coming out soon. That's the next big adventure we are taking, and I am trying to save as much money on it as possible! I hope that it is a big event for her, and I find it so hard that she is turning 5 years old, so it's one she may remember. I have everything all planned out, and hopefully it will be a smash. 

If you are reading this today, I apologize for the long delay, and I hope you are still going to read. The three of you out there that still read! Have a great day everyone, and remember, just because Lent is over, you can keep doing good things...it's good for the soul!

Sunday, No Funday

Working today.....I guess that has become the story of my life. Yesterday was one of the more difficult days I have had lately. Working on re-working my ten year plan, because I am working on different goals. I don't want to hold myself back, which I sometimes think I do by taking so much on at one time. I don't know why I do it, I guess it's to keep my mind busy, or to keep my mind off of other things, who knows. 

I have been working on getting my vegetable intake up with different kinds of smoothies, so on the health end, food wise, things are going well. Working out is going okay, not an every day thing, but it is a more consistent thing than it used to be. Especially with Alayna being more active each day, I have to keep up with her some how. I figured it was about time that I get back into a routine and working on making my body a better place. And also to making my blog back what it was supposed to be originally. 

I feel like sometimes I share too much of my personal life on here, and that maybe I should either create a new, secret blog, or I should just stop sharing so much on here. But one more plug before I go, because I am keeping this Sunday blog short. I have officially purchased my own website and will be having a show soon. The website is bekephotography.com and it is no where NEAR completion, but it will soon be everything I dreamt it would be and more. I would love to hear any feedback, and also would love any opinions on the personal issues...new blog or leave them off?

Have a great Sunday everyone. I will be troubleshooting phones and telling people that yes, they can't upgrade because they owe $1,000 in past due payments....I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.......

TGIF, Oh Wait....I Work Tomorrow

I still am fired up about this Friday thing...but I won't drag on about that today. Something I really want to talk about is something that has been on my mind for quite some time. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am openly obsessed with older music, anything ranging from the Beatles to The Who, to Bob Dylan, and Creedence Clearwater. They have much more to say in their music. It's not all useless nonsense. So I did decide to listen to some music on Pandora that was "Today's Hits Radio", and was just repulsed by what I heard. Are "artists" really allowed to speak like that on the radio? 

I would call myself a free-thinking, still fighting for rights, feminist thinker. I believe in things that others really oppose me on. I find it hard living in the south, because people definitely don't have as open of a view as I do. I think going to Art School opened my mind up to a new way of thinking about things. So when I do listen to songs that call women, "Bitches, Ho's, and other such vulgar names" I don't get it. There is a certain part of my that is hypocritical here because I know as a teenager that I listened to this same kind of music, but now as I have begun to age, and raise my own daughter, I want her to know that it is not okay to be called those things. Men are not permitted to say such things to women, and it be okay. I don't think I have ever been so offended by what I was hearing on the radio. 

So I immediately changed my station to the Bob Dylan station, where artists like Elton John, Paul McCartney, The Beatles, and Bill Withers plays. Call me old school, but I just prefer to listen to music that was written with a meaning behind it. 

I know, everyone's thinking, "Bethany, what the heck does this have to do with it being "not Friday, or even fitness". And give me time to explain. So I used to listen to these stations to work out to, because they are up beat and have a faster pace for me to work out to. And I realized that I would get so frustrated from what I was listening to, that my workout wasn't even working well for me, because I was so focused on this "garbage" being fed into my brain. So after some internet research and some soul searching, I am now moving to classical music or meditation music while working out. No more words. Just sounds to move me. I hope this makes sense, and I hope you consider the same. Music today, sounds like noise to me, and it's not the noise I want to listen to. 

So next time you go to put on today's hits, look into something new. If I hadn't listened to something new, I wouldn't have found out how happy I was with older music, that had lyrics that meant something.

Have a good day, and switch your stations today!

Coffee Kind Of Morning

So today was definitely a coffee kind of morning. I try my best not to have any but I just couldn't get up and running. I have been having just the worst kind of nightmares and they wake me up out of a dead sleep. So I just didn't sleep well and had to be up nice and early. And when you are half asleep, you tend to get startled pretty easy (hopefully this isn't just me), and I was minding my own business getting my shower before I got Alayna up and dressed for school. As I am washing conditioner out of my very tired and now stinging eyes, I hear a light sound of the shower curtain moving and a small voice say "Hi Mommy"...I screamed, for obvious reasons, and then had to calm her down because I had obviously scared her just as much as she had scared me. So that's how MY morning has started. 

So after I get her dressed, I go to get my uniform, and I figure, I'll wear a shirt I haven't tried wearing in a long time, because I know it doesn't fit, but heck, why not make the morning worse than it already has been. So I put a red long sleeve shirt on under my soon to not fit polo, and then I put the polo on, and I look in the mirror, and rub my eyes, maybe there was still conditioner in them, because the shirt fit the person I was looking at in the mirror. Could it be? I haven't been doing much. A little (devil machine) biking, and rowing. Walking and on my feet all day at work has to help too. And I have been eating as much protein as I can. So I guess something is working. 

Hayden has been working night shift, so he is usally going to sleep when I get home from work, or leaving as soon as I get home. So it has given me a lot of time to work on things, and I decided it was finally time to buy a .com. It's insane how much some punctuation and 3 letters cost. That is neither here nor there. The point being, I think it brought back some of that Bethany I have been looking for. Now it is under construction, and by no means done. I have a lot of things to do to it, so I will not be revealing it just yet. I have let few family members see, and if you just have to see it, message me and I can give you the address. I know it sounds silly, but it makes me feel so creative to be formatting, and writing html (which who knew that would stick from college). It's fun and makes me feel like I'm doing what I paid, well am paying, all that money for. It all just comes so natural to me and I love it. I feel like I'm back in the digital lab in college building my first website. Although templates are really nice to have. It's wonderful not having to build ALL the html yourself. 

I hope that you have all been feeling challenged these last few days to do what you love and what makes you happy. Who knew something as little as moving some pictures around on a website would bring that back for me. What is it taking for you? You know a lot more people used to comment with answers on this blog, you should start that again. I love hearing if I am motivating at least oen person! 

To wrap up, I think the lesson here, is get your child up before putting conditioner in your eyes, both for her and your sake. Go out and find something that made or continues to make you happy. And don't lose who you are. That's so easy these days, but remember who you are and why you decided to do the things you do. It will be incredible how happy you find yourself even through the stinging conditioner eyes!

I Think I Can....No...I KNOW I Can

Too often I put myself in situations where I use the words, "I think I can do that...". And then people say that I don't have enough positivity in myself. But, I do. So I have been working on saying I know I can instead. Knowing and thinking you can are two totally different things. I think I can jump off a cliff and be okay if I am strapped to a bungee chord, however I know I can watch someone else do it safely from the top of the bridge with nothing strapped to my ankles. Odd example, but you get the point. I have always had an assumption that people are out to compare me to others, when in reality I do it by myself in my own head. No one else is doing that. 

I can distinctly remember when I was in High School and not getting the grades that my parents were hoping for, and not doing cheerleading, and I wasn't involved in the newspaper, that I assumed my parents just wanted me to be my sister. That she was the perfect daughter, and I was nothing but a let down. But they didn't feel that way. They actually told me the complete opposite, that they supported my art career and that they thought it was a good direction for me to go. I had made up the whole scenario in my head that my parents wanted me to be a person that I wasn't. Yet they had no feelings like that at all.

So as I grow older, and I got better at not comparing myself to others, because I am my own person. I began growing my own opinions, and my own thoughts about things. I became who I always wanted to be. When I was in college, I had my own mindset. People took my feedback and realized it was good feedback. I was heard, and not as what someone else wanted me to be, but as myself and as an artist. It was the first time in a long time that I felt that my opinion mattered, and that I was my own person, not someone I thought people wanted me to be. 

But now, as I come into my own as an adult out of school (well Undergrad at least), I find it more difficult. I find myself constantly being compared to other people and it makes me not want to work harder. It makes waking up in the morning painful. It makes putting on my uniform exhausting. Each day I wake up, look at the ceiling and pray that we win the lottery so that I can quit my job and stay at home every day. But that doesn't happen, and it never will. I have to get up, put on my uniform, and go to work so that I can pay the bills and feed my family. 

As I was extremely uncomfortable and even more so angry about the way certain things were being handled, I found myself, for the first time, sticking up for myself. I never have liked confrontation, but enough was enough. I stood up for myself. I put my foot down to the things that were going on and said that I don't respond well to being compared. I don't respond well to comments I don't find suitable for the work place. I work with integrity and care about making the customer happy and working with them as long as it takes to make sure they are fully set up. I don't lie, or keep things from them. I believe in full disclosure. I wish everyone in the world would take this advice and use it for not just a sales job, but in life. 

Don't be something you're not, just to get the results you think are required. Work with integrity and pride. If you don't, you won't be true to yourself, and you will continue to be compared to others. Who cares if those others do not work with the same work ethic you do, you know you are true to yourself. It has taken me a long time, a lot of lectures, and a ton of tears to figure this out. But I know who I am, and that I should not care that I am compared to others. I am proud of the person I am. I have worked hard to get to where I am in life, and I will let no person tell me otherwise. I have fallen over and over again, and I have been mocked, teased, pushed down, told I couldn't do it, de-motivated, bullied, and in the end.....I always come out on top. 

So I challenge you....be YOU. Not the person someone wants you to be.....be you. I am finally realizing, that that's the best person I could possibly be!

So Actual Monday, Feels Like Actual Monday

For once, I am actually feeling like it's a Monday morning. I'm tired, stressed, and feel like going back home and curling into a ball in bed. It's not been a good morning. Family left yesterday, so the house is extra quiet, and Alayna is extra sad that they are gone. I know I talked last week how some days don't even feel like Monday's, but this one does....very much so. Maybe it's the rain. 

Either way, the point I wanted to make today, seeing as it is still Lent, is the art of what a Sorry means. My brother-in-law made a really good point about it. He said look at the great plate in my hands, and then drop it on the floor (he's a teacher, this is a student lesson, consider yourself my student). What happens when you drop the plate? It shatters, and can't be put back together without showing some marks. It's always going to have those marks. Same with a sheet of paper....look at a plain peice of paper...now crinkle it up. Done? Straighten it out now....does it look exactly like it did before? No, it is left with scars and marks that can't be removed.

My point with both of those examples is that once something is hurt or broken, it can not be fixed. Sorry doesn't make the plate put itself back together, and make the paper flat again. Sorry's don't fix things. They may temporarily alleviate the situation, but never truly fix it. You'll always know the pain of why that sorry was needed. I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of sorry. I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that". That doesn't make it better, if anything it makes me more upset because it means you did hurt me, and I will forgive you because it's the person I am, but I won't forget it. 

I don't know why this point was important to me (well I do, but doesn't need to be public), but I think it's a lesson we could all take something from. Sorry doesn't fix things. Sorry doesn't heal wounds. Sorry is a temporary glue that will make you feel better for a second, and then could potentially fall apart again. I challenge you all to try and not do things to hurt people so that "Sorry's" are not necessary. I don't feel like writing a longer blog today, and maybe later today I will write some more, but for now, I'm signing off and starting my Monday Morning.

Just One More Shift

So I just need to make it to 5:15 pm today and I will be off until monday! Something about that feeling of knowing you're off the next day gives you an almost senioritis like feeling. It's a strange nostalgia, but I enjoy it because i know that only relaxation remains for tomorrow. 

I find as I am preparing for school that I am getting more and more nervous for it. It's like I feel like I need to pack a backpack, with new highlighters, pens, number two pencils, a trapper keeper, and some loose leaf paper. Stand at my front steps for a first day of school picture, and then just walk back inside for my online MBA in which I need none of the aforementioned things, okay maybe the highlighters and pens and maybe even the paper. But mostly a computer and the books I need for my course. I was never one for the "first day of school". I hated it more than anything else. And in all honesty I always hated school. I didn't want to fit into a system that everyone else was in. Worse of all I hated standardized testing. 

When I took my SAT's, the essay we had to write about was "Why is Standardized Testing Necessary for the Development of Young Adults Moving to a Higher Education?".......Really? I will openly admit, I did terrible on my SAT's, surprised I even spelled my name right to be honest. But the essay, I could have written for weeks on all the things I have to say about why "Standardized Testing" is not necessary, and in some cases, not fair. As we have established in previous blogs, I am not the cookie cutter person meant to live in a normal fashion. My home is covered in all things elephants, and Doctor Who, the occasional Walking dead statue here and there. I argued in my essay that how you can you judge a "standard" you want everyone to fit in, when not everyone is standard. When you ask a fill in the bubble question that says, "in your opinion, which answer best fits this question....". And when I do answer the question with my opinion, it's wrong. But you asked me what my opinion was, not what the right answer was to you? They aren't meant for everyone. And I wrote very angrily in my essay how right brained people think differently than left brained. A left brained person has no problem doing a test like that. It's what their brain is more conditioned to understand and excel at. If there was a drawing section, or it was an all essay test, than maybe I would have had a fighting chance to pass on a better level. I did however score the highest possible score on my essay section of the SAT's. Did I make some huge impact on the Board of Education to change the format of the SAT's, absolutely not. Not even sure they even read them, or just feed them through a machine, and the machine counts the words and decides if that's enough to make some sort of difference. 

My real point to all of this is that I have found a new set of projects that I am ready to take on and even excited to start. I'm excited to photograph again. It's going to be fun and bring a glimmer back into my eyes like a child who has seen Toy's R Us for the first time. 

I know I said yesterday that this is and will always be a fitness journal at the core, but isn't brain activity fitness just as important as regular exercise? I think it definitely is. If I don't challenge my brain as much as I challenge my brain, than I won't grow intellectually as I slim physically. If that even makes sense. 

I will openly admit that when I got accepted and started getting ready for my MBA program, I began to think to myself, "Bethany, you're selling out!!!!". I went to art school, one of the best ones in the country, and I am getting an MBA??? What does that have to do with my BFA in any way? So I sat down and wrote about it (yes, I have another super secret blog where I just write on and on...even worse than this one!). I wrote how it would benefit me in the future. How "Future Bethany" will truly appreciate the lessons learned to eventually open her own business and know how to actually run it appropriately. It may not be an MFA, which I know I always wanted. And at some point even wanted to get my doctorate in photography...why you ask....to say I had one. To challenge the idea of a doctorate, and what it means to be TRULY educated in a fine art so well, I received a doctorate for it. 

Ridiculous I know, but no more ridiculous than the other things I spoke of as a child. I had high hopes, and to this day remember when I was a child in grade school, and they asked us all, "What do you want to be when you grow up Timmy? John? Kate?.....Bethany?.....An artist!!!" I always responded with this. It was always my hope to make it big. Artists didn't have to follow rules. They didn't have to color inside the lines. They didn't have to listen to the rules of poetry, they could make up their own rules and follow them according to their own standard. And that's what I wanted out of life. Maybe that's why I never wanted to do homework, or listen to the teachers when they would teach me long division and social studies. I wanted to be an artist, was I going to follow long division at any point in my artistic endeavor? I would love to say I never needed math, but there was the strange occasion I sometimes did. But for the most part, in my college career, it went how I wanted it to go. I took the photography classes I wanted to. Started to take the one required Math or Science class required. It was called "The Art of Math"......I walked out in the middle of the break he gave us on the first day and moved into a class called Bioethics. Different, and it made me question things, and I loved it. It was informative and denying it at the time, an excellent class. 

I wish I could tell you today's blog was different than yesterday's but I don't think it is. I think it is just an extension of what I really wanted to say. Things I thought of after the fact. I think after I get back into what really makes me happy, get back into my work, finish my new website, and start school....everything in my life will fall into place. Then, things will start lining up properly!

I'm sorry for the long post today, just an abundance of things on my mind over the last few days that I needed to talk about. I appreciate everyone who reads every day. And as I said earlier in this blog, I hope that I have inspired in some way, some of you to find who and what you love to keep you motivated. The person you once were that made you happy. Find your happy place or thing or activity....you'll see a difference. Have a good Saturday, may it be full of dreams come true and revelations of things past and hopefully future!

Friday....You Tricky Devil

So I don't know about any of you, but if you have ever worked in retail, you would understand that there are no weekends, so Friday, hardly ever exists for me. And when it does, it is usually on a Sunday or Monday, and if I ever have two days off in a row, I immediately think the first day back is Monday. So my life never really has a TGIF, because I couldn't tell you the last time I had a Saturday AND a Sunday off. It never happens in retail. But, we do have family in town, so it gives me some motivation to get up, get the job done, and come back home.

I never thought, that at 25, I would be working in retail, and not living out my dreams of opening an extremely new age photography gallery in New York City. Somewhere that new photographers show their work, and eventually famous artists pick up on this strange little hole in the wall gallery and want to show there. But instead, I'm chasing escaped hamsters around the house, getting an almost 5 year old dressed for school with my eyes half-way closed, cleaning vomit off the floor and my clothes, and waking up for a job that sucks a small amount of my soul away each day. I just am not where I saw myself. I read my ten year plan from high school and I am nothing like that ambitious person that I wanted to be in High School or even in the beginning of college. I miss that person. I just haven't seen her in a long time.

I think a very small part of that creative Bethany lives inside this blog each day. With her snarky remarks and negative attitude about all things retail and corporate america. But I just want to have that paint covered jeans, hole-y t-shirt from high school, and long crazy thrown up hair girl back. I miss her. She was motivated at all times. She was positive at all times. She was happy at all times. I try to be here through these small writings each day, and to whoever reads them every day (the few people that I know of), I am grateful that you put up with the rants and "boo hoo me"'s all the time. I know there can be quite a few of them. But my intentions when I started this blog was weight loss. Not life sharing, just what I ate, what was motivating me, and what I lost each week. 

But, life threw me some curve balls that I tried my best to swing at, and surely missed. And this blog has become somewhat of an outlet for me. Don't get me wrong, it is still, at it's core, a weight loss journey and the pages do consist of that. But this has become so much more for me. I have shared more than I ever thought I would. I have cried writing some of these more times than I can think of. I have been so grateful for comments people have made when I write. You all do push me to be a better me and a more complete Bethany. So right now, in the midst of all this hectic insanity that I am suspiciously calling "life", I am going to try and find a little bit more of that Bethany I lost in college when vomit and diapers became the main concern. I know she is inside here somewhere, just feels like the right time to dig her out. 

I hope I have not made anyone else question their days, or maybe I do. I think it's healthy to question what you are doing with your life every once in a while. What some may call a "reality check". If you do choose to have one, I hope it is for the positive. Maybe you used to bike all the time, and realized that made you happy....well why did you stop? Maybe you used to make art in the basement and stopped for job purposes....make the time! I am actively going to make the time to find that part of myself again, and now I encourage you to. In a positive way. Question things from your past....it's the only way to make your future new and exciting again. It also may bring back some happiness, because I know mine will, that you didn't know you still had left in you. Have a good day, not Friday, because those don't mean anything to me anymore, but just a good day. Embrace it, and remember what made you happy...bring it back!

Thursday Rainy Days

So other than the rain, today has started out quite a day. Wake up running late already, and only to come out and see that it's pouring and people in Georgia seem to shut down when any sort of precipitation falls from the sky. Meaning Fog, Rain, Sleet, and on the strange occasion Snow. It just seems to shut everything down, so today is going to be a slow day. 

I have started listening to an audio book, and if anyone knows me, they know I hate reading, but listening to the book, being read by the Author, is wonderful. Her book is absolutely incredible. It's interesting to hear her talk and how relatable she is to who I am. I am constantly compared to her, in voice, humor, and writing as well. Which I do take as a compliment. The book is called Not That Kind of Girl, by Lena Dunham. Now I am not saying that my life is anything like her, but some of the things that she experiences in life, that most girls in my situation do experience, it is just really refreshing to hear her go through them as well. 

At one point she talks about this crash diet she went on, and how losing 40 pounds and every pound after felt better and better. And then she took a look in the mirror and realized she wasn't being true to herself. It was unhealthy and borderline anorexic, so she made the change. It was interesting to hear her talk about these stories. 

I used to take it as such an "ugh, not you too" when people would tell me that I look and act just like her. But now I see it more as a compliment. It's an incredible compliment really. She is a brilliant writer who is witty and able to defend herself and women. And not that I agree with all of her views, but I agree with a lot of them. She fights for her rights and she doesn't care what other people think of her, and I truly admire that. So today, I am going to try my best not to take anything personal. Because it is not. And to think that everything is personal, is selfish and narcissistic, which I try myself, not to be. 

So....I leave you with that. Be helpful and not selfish. Don't take things personally, and push through the day no matter how you think other people feel.

Pay It Forward

Okay, so I know I didn't post this weekend, or the first two days of the week. And there is really no true excuse other than I really didn't have anything that I wanted to get out enough to share with everyone. I had a lot of emotions running through me, and wasn't sure what to put down on "paper" so I just decided it best not to write. But, as I Lent continues, I continue to hold strong to my doing good things. I decided to go to work early today because I have nothing better to do after I drop off Alayna at school. Because I was early I figured, why not grab a nice cup of coffee and see if my manager wanted some. I decided, on me, be nice, bring in some coffee. Well I get to the person at the window to pay and she tells me, "Ma'am the gentleman in front of you took care of your order.". So instead of being like old Bethany could be, I decided to say, "I'll pay for the person behind me then!". And then after seeing the price was significantly different I decided to put a large amount in the tip jar. 

So my lesson to all of you today, is to pay it forward. I heard that apparently this is a common thing in the Starbucks drive thru line, but I have never been through the drive thru before, so it was a tad different. But I think it should be done in more places. I know when Hayden has gone out for his monthly meetings with the NCO's they often have someone pay for their tab, simply because they are in uniform. But the gesture is truly from the heart. 

Today, do something from the heart. Pay it forward to someone else. 

On another, much different note, I had my first Reiki and Meditation session last night. It was incredible to say the least. The people there are incredible and I have never felt more focused than I am now. It's almost like I can see so much more clear. It was a beautiful thing, and a connection that was incredible. And the people were so......relatable. I was so terrified that I wouldn't fit in, or that it would be strange, but we were all in this meditation circle for the same thing. And it truly was something beautiful. I found myself in tears when I woke from meditation (which apparently is very normal). It was so incredible. I really don't have any other words for it. But if it is something that you have been looking into, I strongly recommend it!

So all in all my lesson for you today is pay it forward, and be open to new things and change in your life. I was, and have never been more grateful in my life. Enjoy your day everyone!

Friday Again?

I know it's been a couple days since a post. Hayden's birthday was yesterday, so I wanted to spend all the time I could with him. It seems those moments are rare with us. And this weekend Alayna is going to be gone the whole weekend, so we may actually get to go on a date? Unheard of. But the more I think of her being gone, the more I miss her already. With all this maybe and maybe not about having more children, I want to spend every second with her. 

I am doing everything I possibly can to try and keep my body un-stressed and in a position to be calm and accepting of whatever happens. I have decided to start doing yoga, and am also doing a Reiki session on the 17th, that I am really excited about. I have been reading a lot about Chakra's and Essential oils and Reiki therapy. Although all are based out of other views, I spoke with my priest here, and he said that whatever God I believe in, his hands will be with the Reiki therapist to heal. I was so moved when I spoke to him. He blessed me and said a prayer with me. I'm trying to really let go and let God. I want to bring my faith into this as much as possible, but also explore other routes to try and become more healthy. 

I have also been using smoothies to get my protein and fat content up, so that when I work out, I am burning the right thing, which is fat. I have not been brave enough to step on the scale just yet, because I know that I am still in the process of getting into a routine. But some day, or week, I will start doing weekly weigh ins. For some reason that scale is still so daunting. When I go to the doctors and they move it to the one number and move the second one all the way down and it doesn't move, then they do it again, and again, I almost want to tell them, "Let me save you the trouble and move it to the very top for you.....It may ask for one at a time honestly". It is just so angering to see the number. I worked hard to get rid of all of it, and I feel like I'm right back where I was. But like I said last time, I can fail over and over and over and over again, but it's the getting back up, and trying again, that matters. 

So I am going to leave you with a picture today. I haven't done it in a while, but it's a good quote worth adding.

Failing Over and Over

So today I saw someone post a picture of Michael Jordon and a quote of his, "I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 3,000 games. Twenty six times I have been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed".

What a quote! I was being really hard on myself about the not being able to do all the things I want to do, but something about this quote just hit me. It doesn't matter, even if you are the best at what you do, you are going to fail at some point. At some point in your career, you are going to fail at something and along this journey I have failed over and over and over again. But the point is to keep going and to get up. I will continue to keep going and get up as many times as I need to, to reach my goal.

I know that I had committed to a half marathon, and possibly a whole marathon at some point in the next two to three years. I hope this person knows who they are when I am talking to them, but when I say don't give up, DON'T GIVE UP. Get on the horse again. Fail multiple times, but know that I am going to be at that start line with you waiting to go together. I will not run this marathon or half marathon without you. So if that means that we work harder and harder over the next couple years, and that means pushing ourselve mentally more than we thought we could, then we will do that! 

I am ready to be proud of the progress I have made, not just accept it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and be able to show it off. So to that person, whom I really hope  knows who they are, let's fail together, but let's also be extremely successful together!!!!

12 Hour Shift Drags

So today I took on a 12 hour shift....I had to do it to make up for having to leave early a couple days this week. Well I have hit my wall. I have two hours to go, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I got switched my medicines this week, per the doctors orders, and I really think it has made me more tired. I put my B12 in yesterday, and for some reason it hurt way more than it usually does. But hopefullly it will kick up in the next couple days. I've been extra shaky with the new working out and diet and medication regime, I'm hoping that it goes away with time since I'm just starting. 

I have been really focused on a lot of different things to try and keep my mind occupied. I finished my application to the MBA program, and received a $3,000 scholarship, so I am excited for that. I have been working on moving up at work, and taking on any extra responsibility I can. I have been focused on my workout routine and eating. That when I sit down at the end of the night, I feel like I've done so much but so little at the same time. If that can even make sense. I just want my mind to be away from the reality of all that's going on all around me. 

I also am trying to just make it through each day. Retail life is great, money is reliable, insurance is great, they pay for me to go to school, I could go on and on. But my life revolves around working. I wish some day I could win the lottery, pay off my debt and my parents, and just retire and be a stay at home mommy. That's my dream. But that's all it ever will be, is a dream. Like I said on a post earlier, I feel stifled, but I am working on it. I am going to try and keep as much individuality to my life as I can, and in my home, make it as individualized as I can. 

Just because I can't be exactly who I want to be at work, I can be who ever I want to be at home. So that will have to do for now. I hope you all are having a great Saturday, and enjoy every moment for me. I'm stuck here until close, so it should be very entertaining!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

So I'm starting this post off with some advice I was given from someone who I truly look up to, and it's simple....All you have to do is get up every morning, and just put one foot in front of the other to get through. I am trying just as hard as I can to do that today. Work has been especially stressful lately, and I am lucky to have the people that I do have to keep me calm through the day. And I keep telling myself, this is just a job, it is not life or death. And yet I still am sitting here daily criticizing everything that I do. 

They want us to fit in this cookie cutter world that I just have never fit into. What I loved about my job in Virginia, was I could be me. I could express myself while also staying professional. I could be who I wanted to be, whether it artistic, creative, and outspoken. Sometimes I feel like just another link in a very large chain here. Just a small part of the bigger picture....I know that this job is a great job, and it pays great, and most days I really do have a great time! But when I am asked to dampen my individuality, it just is hard to swallow. I have always been one to express myself for who I am. I know that my parents are not always happy with the decisions that I have made when I do choose to express myself (sorry Mommy and Daddy), but it's just a hard pill to swallow. 

I know corporate America IS a cookie cutter world, where everyone looks like Carol Brady and Mike Brady, and we have to look the part we want, not the part we have. But can't I look the part I want while still showing self expression? Can't I look the part without sacrificing my creativity? I experienced Art School at 100%. I took each person I met and learned them and loved them. It opened my eyes to all the different kinds of people in the world, and that even the Vice President of the school, covered in tattoos and piercings, could come off as professional. Times are changing....I'm not saying that everyone should be getting full sleeve tattoos, but a little self expression or piercing are acceptable. 

I know this page has been kind of a long rant of anger, but I just am having a hard time all around. I want to be me, the me I found in art school. The me who was picked on in grade school and high school for being weird, but accepted and celebrated for who I was when I got to art school. I feel like that person is slipping away from me, and I don't want to lose her in this boxed in work life I have. I always told mysellf when I got out of college I would take my nose ring out because it would be just a part of my life, but I realized it became a part of who I was, so I kept it. This is the first time that I have been told that it is offensive and I need to get a clear filler? But the tattoos on coworkers necks and wrists are just fine? I am by no means against them having showing tattoos, but why discriminate against piercings that people hardly even notice anyway. I guess for now I will just have to continue to be myself out of work, and keep the Carol Brady act up for when I'm in work. Sacrifices have to be made when you want something....I don't necessarily like them, but they need to be made. 

I have been going to the gym. I have been getting my calories in which is good. I have a lot of calls to make and people to see on Monday. But I am making progress on getting to some solutions to the problem...but stressing over all of this isn't going to help. So I will try to just relax, fit in, and be creative on my own time.

The Day After

So I don't have much to say after yesterday's appointment. It didn't go quite the way I was hoping, and I prayed on it yesterday, and thought quietly about it, and I know that through God all things are possible. So I will continue to do what the doctors tell me to do, and I will hopefully see some results. 

As far as the gym goes, I have been going, and have been extremely sore the whole time. It's insane what that bike can hurt. And the places I hurt the next day....I didn't even think could hurt?? But I will keep at it. Doing everything in my power to make sure I made it possible and did everything I could.

I honestly would love to write more, but I just can't. I don't have it in me, and I just have more thinking to do about things. I hope you all have a good day, and I promise I will write more tomorrow, when I am feeling a little more up to it.

Back To Working Out

Okay, so yesterday I did a lot of thinking. After the news that I received, I decided that I wanted to do everything I could to put the odds in my favor. So, I decided to get back into eating healthy (with what small appetite I had), and going back to the gym. I consulted a nutritionist to see what kind of protein bars, or meal replacement bars would be helpful, and I am ready to make this work. I want to know that whatever happens, I did all that I could to make it work.


So I am on these really good tasting bars for meals, and a pre and post workout shake, that I have to say is absolutely awful. It took everything in me to get it down last night. Even as I chugged, which I thought would be the best way to do it, I almost threw it all back up. So time to try and blend it with some veggies and see if that makes it a little bit better, or at least mask some of the taste. But I am ready to just get going with all of this.


So I get to the gym last night, feeling a bit out of my element seeing as it's been a while since I have been there, but I was told that the rower and the bike would be good options for me. So I start with the rower, and think someone who hates me made this machine. After I finish on there, I decide it's time to try this small little bike that I may or may not break. So I get on, and start peddling, not so bad. Not 10 seconds later, this bike and I have become very close, and I am almost 200% sure this machine is made by Satan himself, or at least someone in that realm. It was terrible. I am in pain today and can't even think about getting back on that machine tonight. BUT, I know that it is worth it. So tonight I will go back, get back on the bike, and burn the calories that I need to burn. I will then go home and drink Lucifer's drink of choice and continue until I have done all I can do.


This may be confusing for some who do not know the situation, but know that I need to do everything I can to get back in shape and in a place where if there is a problem, it wasn't something I did. So I hope you are all having a good day, and whatever you do...stay away from bikes!!!

March Is Here!

I'm sorry I have not written everyone. I am sitting at home, after the doctors appointment, and am just not taking the news well. I am not going to write much, because unfortunately, the appointment did not go as planned. I know I always said I would share everything on here, but if you would like to message me, I would be happy to let you know what is going on. It is not something I am wanting to share publicly right now. I also have a follow up appointment on Wednesday from the bloodwork we had done today. 

So for right now, I am going to sit back, enjoy some Beatles on record, and relax as much as possible. I hope you all had a wonderful day and continue to have a wonderful evening. Remember, life is short, enjoy every second. Every fight and make-up, every sleepless night with a newborn, and every diaper that you don't want to change. Enjoy everything! 

Until tomorrow.

Retail Life

Usually when people say "Yes, it's Friday!" It's because they have the weekend off. In the life of retail, we don't get weekends off. So I don't know what that's like. I have been working on trying to be more accepting of the hours. I know I've been doing it over a year, but it's hard to miss so much time with family. I don't think that will ever get easier. 

What I want to talk mostly about today, is forgiveness. This morning started off crazy, and I have a feeling it's going to continue. It's just one of those days, when the stars align just right to make your day that much more unpredictable. But something that I want to talk about is forgiveness. And I have finally decided what I truly want my end goal of Lent to be. 

Anyone who has ever known me, or really gotten to know me, knows that I never had a good, or even existing relationship with my Mother's side of the family. Other than my Aunt Putzie and Uncle Bill, I have not gotten to know any of them. The only person I was close with was my Great Grandmother. She was like a Grandmother to me. She used to make these homemade candies that were so delicious. She always made things in small portions. It made spending time with her unique and fun. It is the most positive memories of a Grandmother on that side. And then I had my Grandmother on my Father's side. My Nonnie....she was a Mother of three, Grandmother of Six, and before she passed away, Great Grandmother of 13. And she loved each and every one of us, just as much as the other. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the love she showed me. I'm blessed that I got the time with her that I did. It's hard now as an adult to hear others talk about their grandparents, and when they ask you, to respond, well I don't have any. 

For years, even when my Mother's Mother was alive and my Nonnie was alive, I claimed one grandparent. It had been almost 13 years since I had seen my Mother's Mom when she passed away. There was no feeling there. No sadness, or grief. No anger or resentment. I just wanted my Mom to be happy. For so long, 13 years I guess, and maybe  even more than that, I held in this resentment towards her side of the family. For excluding her, for hurting her, for making her feel like she didn't belong, I hated it. I hated the feeling inside me, but even more, I hated the feeling they inflicted upon her. She doesn't like to talk about it, and I don't like to upset her, so that's when my decision was made. I get angry and resentful when I speak about her, so for Lent, by the end of these (now less then) 40 days, I will let it go. I will let that anger go and move on. It is not worth holding onto. 

I spoke to my Dad this morning, and he sent me a Bible verse that could perfectly summarize what I'm planning on doing.

1st Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

And that is what I plan on doing, doing away with childish things and ways of thinking. Time to move on, and get that weight off my shoulders.

Rainy Day Blues

So today I am in one of those really nervous moods. I am going to the doctor tomorrow, and getting results of some bloodwork back, and having more bloodwork done. I am so nervous any time I am getting any kind of news back from the doctor. I don't like feeling so in the dark. And even worse, I hate when they call to give you results and say, "This came back this way, and the doctor would like to discuss it with you in person.". I ask why, but all I get back is, they would prefer to speak to me about it in person. I'm already nervous enough, don't keep me waiting!

Luckily this time, the discussion is just about me not eating and what exactly can be prescribed to fix that, or what I can at least use to supplement. When I talked to him on the phone it was one of two options, so I guess it's all in what he sees is best. I am just letting it go and not letting it weigh on my shoulders.

Today I also wanted to address something else, my weighing in. I had been messaged, about if I was still doing weekly weigh ins, and I am. But I am finally brave enough to admit, that I gained back the weight I had lost, and now I've lost it again but not the right way. So I feel like I'm just not ready to do weigh in's until I'm losing weight in a healthy way. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I just want to be happy about the weight loss before I start the real journey. 

I also wanted to talk a little bit about how upset I am at myself, I have truly let myself down in the way that, I should have been ready for a marathon by now, or at least a half marathon. And I let myself down, because if I tried that right now, first mile I would fall over. So instead of letting it really bother me, I am going to pick myself up, and aim for 2017/2018. I am giving myself 2-3 years to get ready, back to healthy, and ready to do a full marathon. I know it sounds silly to set a goal that far away, but I need time to get my body back to where it was, and I need to get money together, because if I'm going to do a marathon, I'm going to do it in style, and in Disney! So time to start keeping a jar to save up for that marathon....because I am going to do it. I will not let myself down. I will not lose this time. I am going to fall down sometimes. And that's going to be okay. To anyone who reads this, just know that even if it is just you Dad, you motivate me to move and keep going. Even if I did stop for a little bit, it doesn't mean that we stop. We get back up, brush off the dirt and keep going. So Dad, and whomever else is reading....keep going...and help me keep going. Obviously I need a little help or I wouldn't have taken a year off!

Sunday Already?

I don't know how I managed to miss yesterday. It's just been Alayna and I all weekend, because Hayden has been on staff duty all weekend. It's been nice because she really does have a lot to say, and some very formed opinions for a four and a half year old. It's absolutely astonishing to me that she is going to be 5 this year. She is so intelligent and nothing bothers her. She goes into a store and has no problem screaming how much she loves mommy. Why are we so conditioned that things like that aren't okay. I immediately looked at her and said "Mommy loves you too, but you can't yell like that". She didn't understand why she couldn't tell me that as loud as she wanted, and to be honest I kind of hesitated and asked myself the same question. 

I've managed to take a lot away from her when she speaks. I worry about her every day, and what society is going to do to change her when she gets older. I've worried about it since the day she came into this world, and maybe even before then. I recently had the opportunity to look back on some of my grade school and high school photographs, and I looked at them and thought how thin I looked. However, everyone called me "fat" (I hate that word), so I took on that visual representation of myself. I think it has a lot to do with how I am now. I think it especially attributes itself to why I am shut off as I am. Because I can remember how mean people could be to me. I don't want Alayna to experience those pains, and I especially don't want her to be the one inflicting that pain on others. At the end of the day I know she is such a beautiful soul, that I don't think she is capable of hurting like that. 

I'm not sure what the point of today's post was, my mind has been in a million different directions these last few days. But what I do know is that part of my Lent giving was to let go of my past, and I believe in the last few days I have done a really good job of that. It's been difficult, but I'm almost 26, I think it's time to let go, and forgive. So it shall be. And I shall be at peace for the first time, in a long time.

Friday Blues

So I'm trying not to be up and positive today. I wake up in a great mood, telling myself that I'm going to kick today's butt. I felt confident. I felt positive. I get ready, drive to work, and everything changes. Nothing quite like being kicked when you're down, but this was one of those repetitive type kicks. I know that corporate America isn't for everyone, and that sometimes you have to suck it up and just listen to what others have to say. But sometimes I feel like saying....but that's not fair? And then I have a (way too late) realization...life isn't ever going to be fair.

I'm 25, almost 26, and still find a lot of things unfair. I think that the way we are treated if we are not management, or upper management, or in the corporate office, we are just a peg on the board. And there are a whole lot of pegs just sitting there waiting to take my spot. So I am trying my best to show that I want to advance myself in this company, but it just isn't showing. 

That's enough about work though. I spoke with my doctor yesterday and I am going to start drinking ensure each day in addition to a high protein shake in the afternoon. He said if I can keep my caloric intake up, than I can continue to excercise and feel safe about not losing muscle. Today I flexed my calf and there was nothing there. My body is getting weaker and weaker, and I have to put the right things into it, to get what I want out of it. Today my Lenten goal is to give my time to others, where I have not been. I am so used to keeping things to myself, but I am going to let some walls down today. I like to keep them up because it is easy, but not today. Let's see how that goes!

I apologize for the short post, but my brain is overflowing with stuff so I have to go unload it!! Enjoy your Friday everyone!!

The Start of the Season to GIVE

So usually for Lent, we give something up, right? Well this year I have decided to do at least three good deeds a day. I want to work on starting up a program with my daughters school with Target. I want to see about starting up a program with the children's hospital to do some art therapy with them, or even to just come visit with them and play music or play with them. I want to do good things this Lent. 

I know I talk about her a lot, but my Grandmother, my Nonnie, would have given you the last dollar in her bank account if she knew you were hungry. She knew the true meaning of how to pay it forward and how to give and not be concerned with material things for yourself. She was the first to make others happy, and second to be concerned for herself. She was such a selfless person. I looked up to her as a child. When I was home recently, I saw letters from her and videos of her and pictures of me and her, and it brought me to tears. She was an incredible woman. She had such patience with me. She loved me with a love that words could not describe. And she loved that way with everyone. She was my hero. So this Lent, I want to make sure that I am like her. I pray to her and to God every day to give me guidance. In one of the cards she wrote, "To my favorite Tuesday Gal, thanks for making this past few months so much easier on me.". It was the first time I had even seen a hint of sadness in her. My Pappy passed away the day after Easter and I would spend each Monday and Tuesday with her. So I was her Tuesday Gal. For her to thank me....for the woman who was constantly giving her time and effort into other people...to thank me for something as silly as spending time with her....it broke my heart to read. She truly was thankful. And I truly am thankful now that I had that time with her. She had enough love for me that I didn't need any other grandparents. She was my only grandparent, and I didn't even notice until I was older. She was my hero because of it. 

So I challenge you for Lent, as much as you want to give something up, try giving. Give and pay it forward to someone who needs it. She did every day of her life, and I wouldn't be the person that I am today if it weren't for her. 

I really do know I talk about her a lot, but this is for her to read up in the clouds...I love you Nonnie, and miss you more and more each day. I love the person you formed me into, and I am sorry I took that for granted. I took our time together for granted because I was a selfish teenager. I want Alayna to know the importance of that time with family. I didn't know it at the time, and I live every day with regret because of it. My goal this Lent, Nonnie, is to be more like you. I looked up to you then and even more now. I pray to you daily. I ask you to look over my small little family and make sure we can make it day to day. I love you Nonnie and I miss you more than words. Keep looking out for me. 

Back to School, Back to School....

So yesterday and the day before I have been looking through different schools that have what I am looking for degree wise and found some really good ones. I see my friends progressing and sometimes I think I hold myself back, and with my 10 year plan, I refuse to let that stop me. I am going to get my MBA with a concentration in Human Resources, and then hopefully get my Doctorate in Human Resources. 

People think I am crazy for wanting to get so much done with such little free time, but if I don't occupy that time, my mind wanders and gets lazy. I want so much out of my life, and this is just the step in the right direction. I was proud when I finished my Bachelor's degree, and I can't even imagine what it would feel like to finish a Master's degree. I am so excited about it. 

I get off work today at 6:15, and I told myself I would walk around the neighborhood and possible do some running. I want to start easy with this, seeing as I just am not burning what I need to. I spoke with my doctor about possible drinking ensure each day to see if that would help, or getting a protien shot each week. My body weight is going down, but it is eating what little muscle I have, not my fat that I want it to eat. So that's my problem....burning more than I'm intaking. I don't think I have made it to 1,200 calories in over a month. So I may just need to suck it up and start going in for the protien shots. 

I will keep you posted with how the walk/run goes today and what my final decision lies on with the nutrition. I'm hoping that I can start making this work because I want it more than anything, but it's getting harder and harder to get any nutrition into my body. So we'll see!!! Have a wonderful Wednesday!! Remember, love the ones you are with, no matter the day or holiday! And support them, be there for them, tell them you love them and will help them through anything!!!!

The Early Bird Catches....The Spunky 4.5 Year Old?

So around 6:00 am this morning, Alayna decided it was time to get up and start the day. Me being the reluctant, and sleep loving person that I am rolled over and said, "Mommy just needs 5 more minutes." However 4.5 year olds don't understand the concept and she just kept asking "Has it been 5 minutes yet, has it been 5 minutes yet....etc." So I gave in and got up. She told me that every day at school when they first get in, they do their stretches to make sure that their mind and body are ready for the day full of learning and fun, and that I needed to do my stretches with her. Then it hit me, my child is setting an example for ME! The grown adult who just asked for five more minutes of sleep from her daughter....She amazes me every day, but especially this morning she taught me a lesson.

One of the books I am currently reading (and have read quite a few times to keep me going at times), is Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, And It's All Small Stuff. In that book it is very short chapters and makes for an extremely easy read. One of the chapters is on waking up every morning with a smile on your face, and taking a moment to just breath in the day and accept that whatever comes your way is planned for you in advance, and that you can handle it. Alayna, a small toddler, was giving me the same advice a man with a Ph.d was giving. So I guess maybe I should start listening.

I don't always wake up with the most positive attitude and, honestly, I usually wake up dreading the day. But after this mornings encounter, I think I should take my daughters advice and stretch and open my mind each morning for what the day has to throw at me. As I have said before, this journey is going to be hard on it's own, but given the medical difficulties I am going through, it is making it only expenentially more difficult. I promise as soon as I get some sort of results back from anything, I will let everyone in on what is going on with me. As of right now, we are just kind of poking around in the dark to figure out what is going on, but do have a few ideas of what it might be. So until then I will continue this journey, as hard as it may be, and make whatever progress comes my way. I will also make a promise to listen to the 4.5 year old....she's wiser than her age!

Love All Year Round

So I hope you all had a great Valentine's day, but my point of this post today, love should be something that is felt and received all year round, not just on the day Hallmark tells us to. Granted Hayden did what I told him not to do, and he went out and got me the most beautiful gift I could have imagined getting. I just refuse to let a holiday define my love, so I challenge all of you to today show your loved ones the same amount of love you show them on a holiday that tells us to. 

Not the only point I want to make with my post today. I am just getting back into the groove of things at work, and have still been finding myself unbearably tired. I have been staring at my ten year plan that I made, and I keep thinking to myself that I am never going to be able to make it, because I am too sick. But I know that if I push hard and have support from Hayden and Alayna, I can make this work. I love my job, and I want to move up as soon as possible. I also know that my health is not where it needs to be. Sometimes I will go a day or two with eating just a couple things and not even realize it. I have no urge to eat, and am burning so many more calories than I am taking in. I feel like I am just going to start gaining weight because of that. I have read the horror stories, but it's almost like I have to force myself to eat, but the inches stay the same. I mean not many people have seen me (other than my co-workers) in the last year as I have slowly progressed to where I am, but I know that I have changed. I feel weaker, more tired, and less productive. My body is not what it was when I started this journey originally. I know that I have to build back up to where I was, but I don't have the nutrients in me to do that. I am being poked and prodded each week to make sure that all my nutrition stays at a healthy level, and we are about to start a big process of getting me into see some specialists about what we think is going on. So I am on the right track. 

I will continue to work as hard as I have been, to the best of my ability. I will not let what is beating me, BEAT me. I am going to be the healthy person that I was and get back to where I was last year. I CAN do this. So the moral of this ramble, is that we need to celebrate LOVE, all the time. And that I am going to make it through this journey no matter what. Either way will see. Until tomorrow my friends!

Picking Up the Pieces

So, I sit here today after reading my last post, and feel nothing but anger and disappointment in myself. How could I have gone from being so motivated to where I am now. Granted a lot has gone on since the last post, Hayden and I have both had surgeries, we are still on a journey to figuring out just what is going on with me health wise, and Alayna is in school and about to turn 5. Still it was no excuse to stop writing. I made excuses like "I was too busy" or "I'm too tired". All they are is just that, excuses. No reason I can't take a run after work, or do some cardio before bed.

I will admit it is a difficult feeling to look back on all of those posts and how confident I was. Funny enough, wasn't I supposed to be doing a half-marathon last month? But things happen and life throws curve balls at you that you would never expect. I hope that any readers of this, if there are any, are understanding of that. I took what some could call a sabbatical from writing. Some people missed it, and have asked about it, and most have just forgotten. But I know that I did let some people down, and I am here to say that I am no way perfect, but I am going to try my best to make sure that I write every day. Losing the weight is going to be harder this time, because I'm on different medication that messes with how I lose and gain. I am on certain dietary restrictions for different reasons, and I am also just a working mom which is hard all on it's own. I know other people do it, and they do it flawlessly. I mean look at famous people (granted they have a staff of 50 people helping them get it done), they still make everything work. So this time around, I am going to make it work. I am going to be the tortoise in this race, however I am in the race. And that's all that matters.

I will by no means be perfect, and write long posts each day of the week, heck this one isn't even that long, and I'm writing it on my lunch break, but that is neither here nor there. I am going to do what I do best and that is write about my day, the struggles, the triumphs, and the things that I will work hard to change. I will keep up with things this time. I will not fall off the wagon (or at least try not to), and I will take any suggestions for posts that you would like me to post! I hope that some of you loyal readers come back and take a gander. Some of this will be the same old thing from last time, but a lot of it will be different. With the way my life has been changing on a daily basis, I'm sure these posts will differ immensely from what they were before, but I also know that I will struggle just like before too. So here is to 2015...the year that has started off extremely stressful, and given me one of my hardest quilt patches I have had to handle and am still handling, but let's make it work. Still pretty fresh into the year and can turn it around just as easy!