Retail Life

Usually when people say "Yes, it's Friday!" It's because they have the weekend off. In the life of retail, we don't get weekends off. So I don't know what that's like. I have been working on trying to be more accepting of the hours. I know I've been doing it over a year, but it's hard to miss so much time with family. I don't think that will ever get easier. 

What I want to talk mostly about today, is forgiveness. This morning started off crazy, and I have a feeling it's going to continue. It's just one of those days, when the stars align just right to make your day that much more unpredictable. But something that I want to talk about is forgiveness. And I have finally decided what I truly want my end goal of Lent to be. 

Anyone who has ever known me, or really gotten to know me, knows that I never had a good, or even existing relationship with my Mother's side of the family. Other than my Aunt Putzie and Uncle Bill, I have not gotten to know any of them. The only person I was close with was my Great Grandmother. She was like a Grandmother to me. She used to make these homemade candies that were so delicious. She always made things in small portions. It made spending time with her unique and fun. It is the most positive memories of a Grandmother on that side. And then I had my Grandmother on my Father's side. My Nonnie....she was a Mother of three, Grandmother of Six, and before she passed away, Great Grandmother of 13. And she loved each and every one of us, just as much as the other. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the love she showed me. I'm blessed that I got the time with her that I did. It's hard now as an adult to hear others talk about their grandparents, and when they ask you, to respond, well I don't have any. 

For years, even when my Mother's Mother was alive and my Nonnie was alive, I claimed one grandparent. It had been almost 13 years since I had seen my Mother's Mom when she passed away. There was no feeling there. No sadness, or grief. No anger or resentment. I just wanted my Mom to be happy. For so long, 13 years I guess, and maybe  even more than that, I held in this resentment towards her side of the family. For excluding her, for hurting her, for making her feel like she didn't belong, I hated it. I hated the feeling inside me, but even more, I hated the feeling they inflicted upon her. She doesn't like to talk about it, and I don't like to upset her, so that's when my decision was made. I get angry and resentful when I speak about her, so for Lent, by the end of these (now less then) 40 days, I will let it go. I will let that anger go and move on. It is not worth holding onto. 

I spoke to my Dad this morning, and he sent me a Bible verse that could perfectly summarize what I'm planning on doing.

1st Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

And that is what I plan on doing, doing away with childish things and ways of thinking. Time to move on, and get that weight off my shoulders.

Rainy Day Blues

So today I am in one of those really nervous moods. I am going to the doctor tomorrow, and getting results of some bloodwork back, and having more bloodwork done. I am so nervous any time I am getting any kind of news back from the doctor. I don't like feeling so in the dark. And even worse, I hate when they call to give you results and say, "This came back this way, and the doctor would like to discuss it with you in person.". I ask why, but all I get back is, they would prefer to speak to me about it in person. I'm already nervous enough, don't keep me waiting!

Luckily this time, the discussion is just about me not eating and what exactly can be prescribed to fix that, or what I can at least use to supplement. When I talked to him on the phone it was one of two options, so I guess it's all in what he sees is best. I am just letting it go and not letting it weigh on my shoulders.

Today I also wanted to address something else, my weighing in. I had been messaged, about if I was still doing weekly weigh ins, and I am. But I am finally brave enough to admit, that I gained back the weight I had lost, and now I've lost it again but not the right way. So I feel like I'm just not ready to do weigh in's until I'm losing weight in a healthy way. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I just want to be happy about the weight loss before I start the real journey. 

I also wanted to talk a little bit about how upset I am at myself, I have truly let myself down in the way that, I should have been ready for a marathon by now, or at least a half marathon. And I let myself down, because if I tried that right now, first mile I would fall over. So instead of letting it really bother me, I am going to pick myself up, and aim for 2017/2018. I am giving myself 2-3 years to get ready, back to healthy, and ready to do a full marathon. I know it sounds silly to set a goal that far away, but I need time to get my body back to where it was, and I need to get money together, because if I'm going to do a marathon, I'm going to do it in style, and in Disney! So time to start keeping a jar to save up for that marathon....because I am going to do it. I will not let myself down. I will not lose this time. I am going to fall down sometimes. And that's going to be okay. To anyone who reads this, just know that even if it is just you Dad, you motivate me to move and keep going. Even if I did stop for a little bit, it doesn't mean that we stop. We get back up, brush off the dirt and keep going. So Dad, and whomever else is reading....keep going...and help me keep going. Obviously I need a little help or I wouldn't have taken a year off!

Sunday Already?

I don't know how I managed to miss yesterday. It's just been Alayna and I all weekend, because Hayden has been on staff duty all weekend. It's been nice because she really does have a lot to say, and some very formed opinions for a four and a half year old. It's absolutely astonishing to me that she is going to be 5 this year. She is so intelligent and nothing bothers her. She goes into a store and has no problem screaming how much she loves mommy. Why are we so conditioned that things like that aren't okay. I immediately looked at her and said "Mommy loves you too, but you can't yell like that". She didn't understand why she couldn't tell me that as loud as she wanted, and to be honest I kind of hesitated and asked myself the same question. 

I've managed to take a lot away from her when she speaks. I worry about her every day, and what society is going to do to change her when she gets older. I've worried about it since the day she came into this world, and maybe even before then. I recently had the opportunity to look back on some of my grade school and high school photographs, and I looked at them and thought how thin I looked. However, everyone called me "fat" (I hate that word), so I took on that visual representation of myself. I think it has a lot to do with how I am now. I think it especially attributes itself to why I am shut off as I am. Because I can remember how mean people could be to me. I don't want Alayna to experience those pains, and I especially don't want her to be the one inflicting that pain on others. At the end of the day I know she is such a beautiful soul, that I don't think she is capable of hurting like that. 

I'm not sure what the point of today's post was, my mind has been in a million different directions these last few days. But what I do know is that part of my Lent giving was to let go of my past, and I believe in the last few days I have done a really good job of that. It's been difficult, but I'm almost 26, I think it's time to let go, and forgive. So it shall be. And I shall be at peace for the first time, in a long time.

Friday Blues

So I'm trying not to be up and positive today. I wake up in a great mood, telling myself that I'm going to kick today's butt. I felt confident. I felt positive. I get ready, drive to work, and everything changes. Nothing quite like being kicked when you're down, but this was one of those repetitive type kicks. I know that corporate America isn't for everyone, and that sometimes you have to suck it up and just listen to what others have to say. But sometimes I feel like saying....but that's not fair? And then I have a (way too late) realization...life isn't ever going to be fair.

I'm 25, almost 26, and still find a lot of things unfair. I think that the way we are treated if we are not management, or upper management, or in the corporate office, we are just a peg on the board. And there are a whole lot of pegs just sitting there waiting to take my spot. So I am trying my best to show that I want to advance myself in this company, but it just isn't showing. 

That's enough about work though. I spoke with my doctor yesterday and I am going to start drinking ensure each day in addition to a high protein shake in the afternoon. He said if I can keep my caloric intake up, than I can continue to excercise and feel safe about not losing muscle. Today I flexed my calf and there was nothing there. My body is getting weaker and weaker, and I have to put the right things into it, to get what I want out of it. Today my Lenten goal is to give my time to others, where I have not been. I am so used to keeping things to myself, but I am going to let some walls down today. I like to keep them up because it is easy, but not today. Let's see how that goes!

I apologize for the short post, but my brain is overflowing with stuff so I have to go unload it!! Enjoy your Friday everyone!!

The Start of the Season to GIVE

So usually for Lent, we give something up, right? Well this year I have decided to do at least three good deeds a day. I want to work on starting up a program with my daughters school with Target. I want to see about starting up a program with the children's hospital to do some art therapy with them, or even to just come visit with them and play music or play with them. I want to do good things this Lent. 

I know I talk about her a lot, but my Grandmother, my Nonnie, would have given you the last dollar in her bank account if she knew you were hungry. She knew the true meaning of how to pay it forward and how to give and not be concerned with material things for yourself. She was the first to make others happy, and second to be concerned for herself. She was such a selfless person. I looked up to her as a child. When I was home recently, I saw letters from her and videos of her and pictures of me and her, and it brought me to tears. She was an incredible woman. She had such patience with me. She loved me with a love that words could not describe. And she loved that way with everyone. She was my hero. So this Lent, I want to make sure that I am like her. I pray to her and to God every day to give me guidance. In one of the cards she wrote, "To my favorite Tuesday Gal, thanks for making this past few months so much easier on me.". It was the first time I had even seen a hint of sadness in her. My Pappy passed away the day after Easter and I would spend each Monday and Tuesday with her. So I was her Tuesday Gal. For her to thank me....for the woman who was constantly giving her time and effort into other people...to thank me for something as silly as spending time with her....it broke my heart to read. She truly was thankful. And I truly am thankful now that I had that time with her. She had enough love for me that I didn't need any other grandparents. She was my only grandparent, and I didn't even notice until I was older. She was my hero because of it. 

So I challenge you for Lent, as much as you want to give something up, try giving. Give and pay it forward to someone who needs it. She did every day of her life, and I wouldn't be the person that I am today if it weren't for her. 

I really do know I talk about her a lot, but this is for her to read up in the clouds...I love you Nonnie, and miss you more and more each day. I love the person you formed me into, and I am sorry I took that for granted. I took our time together for granted because I was a selfish teenager. I want Alayna to know the importance of that time with family. I didn't know it at the time, and I live every day with regret because of it. My goal this Lent, Nonnie, is to be more like you. I looked up to you then and even more now. I pray to you daily. I ask you to look over my small little family and make sure we can make it day to day. I love you Nonnie and I miss you more than words. Keep looking out for me. 

Back to School, Back to School....

So yesterday and the day before I have been looking through different schools that have what I am looking for degree wise and found some really good ones. I see my friends progressing and sometimes I think I hold myself back, and with my 10 year plan, I refuse to let that stop me. I am going to get my MBA with a concentration in Human Resources, and then hopefully get my Doctorate in Human Resources. 

People think I am crazy for wanting to get so much done with such little free time, but if I don't occupy that time, my mind wanders and gets lazy. I want so much out of my life, and this is just the step in the right direction. I was proud when I finished my Bachelor's degree, and I can't even imagine what it would feel like to finish a Master's degree. I am so excited about it. 

I get off work today at 6:15, and I told myself I would walk around the neighborhood and possible do some running. I want to start easy with this, seeing as I just am not burning what I need to. I spoke with my doctor about possible drinking ensure each day to see if that would help, or getting a protien shot each week. My body weight is going down, but it is eating what little muscle I have, not my fat that I want it to eat. So that's my problem....burning more than I'm intaking. I don't think I have made it to 1,200 calories in over a month. So I may just need to suck it up and start going in for the protien shots. 

I will keep you posted with how the walk/run goes today and what my final decision lies on with the nutrition. I'm hoping that I can start making this work because I want it more than anything, but it's getting harder and harder to get any nutrition into my body. So we'll see!!! Have a wonderful Wednesday!! Remember, love the ones you are with, no matter the day or holiday! And support them, be there for them, tell them you love them and will help them through anything!!!!

The Early Bird Catches....The Spunky 4.5 Year Old?

So around 6:00 am this morning, Alayna decided it was time to get up and start the day. Me being the reluctant, and sleep loving person that I am rolled over and said, "Mommy just needs 5 more minutes." However 4.5 year olds don't understand the concept and she just kept asking "Has it been 5 minutes yet, has it been 5 minutes yet....etc." So I gave in and got up. She told me that every day at school when they first get in, they do their stretches to make sure that their mind and body are ready for the day full of learning and fun, and that I needed to do my stretches with her. Then it hit me, my child is setting an example for ME! The grown adult who just asked for five more minutes of sleep from her daughter....She amazes me every day, but especially this morning she taught me a lesson.

One of the books I am currently reading (and have read quite a few times to keep me going at times), is Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, And It's All Small Stuff. In that book it is very short chapters and makes for an extremely easy read. One of the chapters is on waking up every morning with a smile on your face, and taking a moment to just breath in the day and accept that whatever comes your way is planned for you in advance, and that you can handle it. Alayna, a small toddler, was giving me the same advice a man with a Ph.d was giving. So I guess maybe I should start listening.

I don't always wake up with the most positive attitude and, honestly, I usually wake up dreading the day. But after this mornings encounter, I think I should take my daughters advice and stretch and open my mind each morning for what the day has to throw at me. As I have said before, this journey is going to be hard on it's own, but given the medical difficulties I am going through, it is making it only expenentially more difficult. I promise as soon as I get some sort of results back from anything, I will let everyone in on what is going on with me. As of right now, we are just kind of poking around in the dark to figure out what is going on, but do have a few ideas of what it might be. So until then I will continue this journey, as hard as it may be, and make whatever progress comes my way. I will also make a promise to listen to the 4.5 year old....she's wiser than her age!

Love All Year Round

So I hope you all had a great Valentine's day, but my point of this post today, love should be something that is felt and received all year round, not just on the day Hallmark tells us to. Granted Hayden did what I told him not to do, and he went out and got me the most beautiful gift I could have imagined getting. I just refuse to let a holiday define my love, so I challenge all of you to today show your loved ones the same amount of love you show them on a holiday that tells us to. 

Not the only point I want to make with my post today. I am just getting back into the groove of things at work, and have still been finding myself unbearably tired. I have been staring at my ten year plan that I made, and I keep thinking to myself that I am never going to be able to make it, because I am too sick. But I know that if I push hard and have support from Hayden and Alayna, I can make this work. I love my job, and I want to move up as soon as possible. I also know that my health is not where it needs to be. Sometimes I will go a day or two with eating just a couple things and not even realize it. I have no urge to eat, and am burning so many more calories than I am taking in. I feel like I am just going to start gaining weight because of that. I have read the horror stories, but it's almost like I have to force myself to eat, but the inches stay the same. I mean not many people have seen me (other than my co-workers) in the last year as I have slowly progressed to where I am, but I know that I have changed. I feel weaker, more tired, and less productive. My body is not what it was when I started this journey originally. I know that I have to build back up to where I was, but I don't have the nutrients in me to do that. I am being poked and prodded each week to make sure that all my nutrition stays at a healthy level, and we are about to start a big process of getting me into see some specialists about what we think is going on. So I am on the right track. 

I will continue to work as hard as I have been, to the best of my ability. I will not let what is beating me, BEAT me. I am going to be the healthy person that I was and get back to where I was last year. I CAN do this. So the moral of this ramble, is that we need to celebrate LOVE, all the time. And that I am going to make it through this journey no matter what. Either way will see. Until tomorrow my friends!

Picking Up the Pieces

So, I sit here today after reading my last post, and feel nothing but anger and disappointment in myself. How could I have gone from being so motivated to where I am now. Granted a lot has gone on since the last post, Hayden and I have both had surgeries, we are still on a journey to figuring out just what is going on with me health wise, and Alayna is in school and about to turn 5. Still it was no excuse to stop writing. I made excuses like "I was too busy" or "I'm too tired". All they are is just that, excuses. No reason I can't take a run after work, or do some cardio before bed.

I will admit it is a difficult feeling to look back on all of those posts and how confident I was. Funny enough, wasn't I supposed to be doing a half-marathon last month? But things happen and life throws curve balls at you that you would never expect. I hope that any readers of this, if there are any, are understanding of that. I took what some could call a sabbatical from writing. Some people missed it, and have asked about it, and most have just forgotten. But I know that I did let some people down, and I am here to say that I am no way perfect, but I am going to try my best to make sure that I write every day. Losing the weight is going to be harder this time, because I'm on different medication that messes with how I lose and gain. I am on certain dietary restrictions for different reasons, and I am also just a working mom which is hard all on it's own. I know other people do it, and they do it flawlessly. I mean look at famous people (granted they have a staff of 50 people helping them get it done), they still make everything work. So this time around, I am going to make it work. I am going to be the tortoise in this race, however I am in the race. And that's all that matters.

I will by no means be perfect, and write long posts each day of the week, heck this one isn't even that long, and I'm writing it on my lunch break, but that is neither here nor there. I am going to do what I do best and that is write about my day, the struggles, the triumphs, and the things that I will work hard to change. I will keep up with things this time. I will not fall off the wagon (or at least try not to), and I will take any suggestions for posts that you would like me to post! I hope that some of you loyal readers come back and take a gander. Some of this will be the same old thing from last time, but a lot of it will be different. With the way my life has been changing on a daily basis, I'm sure these posts will differ immensely from what they were before, but I also know that I will struggle just like before too. So here is to 2015...the year that has started off extremely stressful, and given me one of my hardest quilt patches I have had to handle and am still handling, but let's make it work. Still pretty fresh into the year and can turn it around just as easy!