Sunday, No Funday

Working today.....I guess that has become the story of my life. Yesterday was one of the more difficult days I have had lately. Working on re-working my ten year plan, because I am working on different goals. I don't want to hold myself back, which I sometimes think I do by taking so much on at one time. I don't know why I do it, I guess it's to keep my mind busy, or to keep my mind off of other things, who knows. 

I have been working on getting my vegetable intake up with different kinds of smoothies, so on the health end, food wise, things are going well. Working out is going okay, not an every day thing, but it is a more consistent thing than it used to be. Especially with Alayna being more active each day, I have to keep up with her some how. I figured it was about time that I get back into a routine and working on making my body a better place. And also to making my blog back what it was supposed to be originally. 

I feel like sometimes I share too much of my personal life on here, and that maybe I should either create a new, secret blog, or I should just stop sharing so much on here. But one more plug before I go, because I am keeping this Sunday blog short. I have officially purchased my own website and will be having a show soon. The website is bekephotography.com and it is no where NEAR completion, but it will soon be everything I dreamt it would be and more. I would love to hear any feedback, and also would love any opinions on the personal issues...new blog or leave them off?

Have a great Sunday everyone. I will be troubleshooting phones and telling people that yes, they can't upgrade because they owe $1,000 in past due payments....I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.......

TGIF, Oh Wait....I Work Tomorrow

I still am fired up about this Friday thing...but I won't drag on about that today. Something I really want to talk about is something that has been on my mind for quite some time. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am openly obsessed with older music, anything ranging from the Beatles to The Who, to Bob Dylan, and Creedence Clearwater. They have much more to say in their music. It's not all useless nonsense. So I did decide to listen to some music on Pandora that was "Today's Hits Radio", and was just repulsed by what I heard. Are "artists" really allowed to speak like that on the radio? 

I would call myself a free-thinking, still fighting for rights, feminist thinker. I believe in things that others really oppose me on. I find it hard living in the south, because people definitely don't have as open of a view as I do. I think going to Art School opened my mind up to a new way of thinking about things. So when I do listen to songs that call women, "Bitches, Ho's, and other such vulgar names" I don't get it. There is a certain part of my that is hypocritical here because I know as a teenager that I listened to this same kind of music, but now as I have begun to age, and raise my own daughter, I want her to know that it is not okay to be called those things. Men are not permitted to say such things to women, and it be okay. I don't think I have ever been so offended by what I was hearing on the radio. 

So I immediately changed my station to the Bob Dylan station, where artists like Elton John, Paul McCartney, The Beatles, and Bill Withers plays. Call me old school, but I just prefer to listen to music that was written with a meaning behind it. 

I know, everyone's thinking, "Bethany, what the heck does this have to do with it being "not Friday, or even fitness". And give me time to explain. So I used to listen to these stations to work out to, because they are up beat and have a faster pace for me to work out to. And I realized that I would get so frustrated from what I was listening to, that my workout wasn't even working well for me, because I was so focused on this "garbage" being fed into my brain. So after some internet research and some soul searching, I am now moving to classical music or meditation music while working out. No more words. Just sounds to move me. I hope this makes sense, and I hope you consider the same. Music today, sounds like noise to me, and it's not the noise I want to listen to. 

So next time you go to put on today's hits, look into something new. If I hadn't listened to something new, I wouldn't have found out how happy I was with older music, that had lyrics that meant something.

Have a good day, and switch your stations today!

Coffee Kind Of Morning

So today was definitely a coffee kind of morning. I try my best not to have any but I just couldn't get up and running. I have been having just the worst kind of nightmares and they wake me up out of a dead sleep. So I just didn't sleep well and had to be up nice and early. And when you are half asleep, you tend to get startled pretty easy (hopefully this isn't just me), and I was minding my own business getting my shower before I got Alayna up and dressed for school. As I am washing conditioner out of my very tired and now stinging eyes, I hear a light sound of the shower curtain moving and a small voice say "Hi Mommy"...I screamed, for obvious reasons, and then had to calm her down because I had obviously scared her just as much as she had scared me. So that's how MY morning has started. 

So after I get her dressed, I go to get my uniform, and I figure, I'll wear a shirt I haven't tried wearing in a long time, because I know it doesn't fit, but heck, why not make the morning worse than it already has been. So I put a red long sleeve shirt on under my soon to not fit polo, and then I put the polo on, and I look in the mirror, and rub my eyes, maybe there was still conditioner in them, because the shirt fit the person I was looking at in the mirror. Could it be? I haven't been doing much. A little (devil machine) biking, and rowing. Walking and on my feet all day at work has to help too. And I have been eating as much protein as I can. So I guess something is working. 

Hayden has been working night shift, so he is usally going to sleep when I get home from work, or leaving as soon as I get home. So it has given me a lot of time to work on things, and I decided it was finally time to buy a .com. It's insane how much some punctuation and 3 letters cost. That is neither here nor there. The point being, I think it brought back some of that Bethany I have been looking for. Now it is under construction, and by no means done. I have a lot of things to do to it, so I will not be revealing it just yet. I have let few family members see, and if you just have to see it, message me and I can give you the address. I know it sounds silly, but it makes me feel so creative to be formatting, and writing html (which who knew that would stick from college). It's fun and makes me feel like I'm doing what I paid, well am paying, all that money for. It all just comes so natural to me and I love it. I feel like I'm back in the digital lab in college building my first website. Although templates are really nice to have. It's wonderful not having to build ALL the html yourself. 

I hope that you have all been feeling challenged these last few days to do what you love and what makes you happy. Who knew something as little as moving some pictures around on a website would bring that back for me. What is it taking for you? You know a lot more people used to comment with answers on this blog, you should start that again. I love hearing if I am motivating at least oen person! 

To wrap up, I think the lesson here, is get your child up before putting conditioner in your eyes, both for her and your sake. Go out and find something that made or continues to make you happy. And don't lose who you are. That's so easy these days, but remember who you are and why you decided to do the things you do. It will be incredible how happy you find yourself even through the stinging conditioner eyes!

I Think I Can....No...I KNOW I Can

Too often I put myself in situations where I use the words, "I think I can do that...". And then people say that I don't have enough positivity in myself. But, I do. So I have been working on saying I know I can instead. Knowing and thinking you can are two totally different things. I think I can jump off a cliff and be okay if I am strapped to a bungee chord, however I know I can watch someone else do it safely from the top of the bridge with nothing strapped to my ankles. Odd example, but you get the point. I have always had an assumption that people are out to compare me to others, when in reality I do it by myself in my own head. No one else is doing that. 

I can distinctly remember when I was in High School and not getting the grades that my parents were hoping for, and not doing cheerleading, and I wasn't involved in the newspaper, that I assumed my parents just wanted me to be my sister. That she was the perfect daughter, and I was nothing but a let down. But they didn't feel that way. They actually told me the complete opposite, that they supported my art career and that they thought it was a good direction for me to go. I had made up the whole scenario in my head that my parents wanted me to be a person that I wasn't. Yet they had no feelings like that at all.

So as I grow older, and I got better at not comparing myself to others, because I am my own person. I began growing my own opinions, and my own thoughts about things. I became who I always wanted to be. When I was in college, I had my own mindset. People took my feedback and realized it was good feedback. I was heard, and not as what someone else wanted me to be, but as myself and as an artist. It was the first time in a long time that I felt that my opinion mattered, and that I was my own person, not someone I thought people wanted me to be. 

But now, as I come into my own as an adult out of school (well Undergrad at least), I find it more difficult. I find myself constantly being compared to other people and it makes me not want to work harder. It makes waking up in the morning painful. It makes putting on my uniform exhausting. Each day I wake up, look at the ceiling and pray that we win the lottery so that I can quit my job and stay at home every day. But that doesn't happen, and it never will. I have to get up, put on my uniform, and go to work so that I can pay the bills and feed my family. 

As I was extremely uncomfortable and even more so angry about the way certain things were being handled, I found myself, for the first time, sticking up for myself. I never have liked confrontation, but enough was enough. I stood up for myself. I put my foot down to the things that were going on and said that I don't respond well to being compared. I don't respond well to comments I don't find suitable for the work place. I work with integrity and care about making the customer happy and working with them as long as it takes to make sure they are fully set up. I don't lie, or keep things from them. I believe in full disclosure. I wish everyone in the world would take this advice and use it for not just a sales job, but in life. 

Don't be something you're not, just to get the results you think are required. Work with integrity and pride. If you don't, you won't be true to yourself, and you will continue to be compared to others. Who cares if those others do not work with the same work ethic you do, you know you are true to yourself. It has taken me a long time, a lot of lectures, and a ton of tears to figure this out. But I know who I am, and that I should not care that I am compared to others. I am proud of the person I am. I have worked hard to get to where I am in life, and I will let no person tell me otherwise. I have fallen over and over again, and I have been mocked, teased, pushed down, told I couldn't do it, de-motivated, bullied, and in the end.....I always come out on top. 

So I challenge you....be YOU. Not the person someone wants you to be.....be you. I am finally realizing, that that's the best person I could possibly be!

So Actual Monday, Feels Like Actual Monday

For once, I am actually feeling like it's a Monday morning. I'm tired, stressed, and feel like going back home and curling into a ball in bed. It's not been a good morning. Family left yesterday, so the house is extra quiet, and Alayna is extra sad that they are gone. I know I talked last week how some days don't even feel like Monday's, but this one does....very much so. Maybe it's the rain. 

Either way, the point I wanted to make today, seeing as it is still Lent, is the art of what a Sorry means. My brother-in-law made a really good point about it. He said look at the great plate in my hands, and then drop it on the floor (he's a teacher, this is a student lesson, consider yourself my student). What happens when you drop the plate? It shatters, and can't be put back together without showing some marks. It's always going to have those marks. Same with a sheet of paper....look at a plain peice of paper...now crinkle it up. Done? Straighten it out now....does it look exactly like it did before? No, it is left with scars and marks that can't be removed.

My point with both of those examples is that once something is hurt or broken, it can not be fixed. Sorry doesn't make the plate put itself back together, and make the paper flat again. Sorry's don't fix things. They may temporarily alleviate the situation, but never truly fix it. You'll always know the pain of why that sorry was needed. I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of sorry. I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that". That doesn't make it better, if anything it makes me more upset because it means you did hurt me, and I will forgive you because it's the person I am, but I won't forget it. 

I don't know why this point was important to me (well I do, but doesn't need to be public), but I think it's a lesson we could all take something from. Sorry doesn't fix things. Sorry doesn't heal wounds. Sorry is a temporary glue that will make you feel better for a second, and then could potentially fall apart again. I challenge you all to try and not do things to hurt people so that "Sorry's" are not necessary. I don't feel like writing a longer blog today, and maybe later today I will write some more, but for now, I'm signing off and starting my Monday Morning.

Just One More Shift

So I just need to make it to 5:15 pm today and I will be off until monday! Something about that feeling of knowing you're off the next day gives you an almost senioritis like feeling. It's a strange nostalgia, but I enjoy it because i know that only relaxation remains for tomorrow. 

I find as I am preparing for school that I am getting more and more nervous for it. It's like I feel like I need to pack a backpack, with new highlighters, pens, number two pencils, a trapper keeper, and some loose leaf paper. Stand at my front steps for a first day of school picture, and then just walk back inside for my online MBA in which I need none of the aforementioned things, okay maybe the highlighters and pens and maybe even the paper. But mostly a computer and the books I need for my course. I was never one for the "first day of school". I hated it more than anything else. And in all honesty I always hated school. I didn't want to fit into a system that everyone else was in. Worse of all I hated standardized testing. 

When I took my SAT's, the essay we had to write about was "Why is Standardized Testing Necessary for the Development of Young Adults Moving to a Higher Education?".......Really? I will openly admit, I did terrible on my SAT's, surprised I even spelled my name right to be honest. But the essay, I could have written for weeks on all the things I have to say about why "Standardized Testing" is not necessary, and in some cases, not fair. As we have established in previous blogs, I am not the cookie cutter person meant to live in a normal fashion. My home is covered in all things elephants, and Doctor Who, the occasional Walking dead statue here and there. I argued in my essay that how you can you judge a "standard" you want everyone to fit in, when not everyone is standard. When you ask a fill in the bubble question that says, "in your opinion, which answer best fits this question....". And when I do answer the question with my opinion, it's wrong. But you asked me what my opinion was, not what the right answer was to you? They aren't meant for everyone. And I wrote very angrily in my essay how right brained people think differently than left brained. A left brained person has no problem doing a test like that. It's what their brain is more conditioned to understand and excel at. If there was a drawing section, or it was an all essay test, than maybe I would have had a fighting chance to pass on a better level. I did however score the highest possible score on my essay section of the SAT's. Did I make some huge impact on the Board of Education to change the format of the SAT's, absolutely not. Not even sure they even read them, or just feed them through a machine, and the machine counts the words and decides if that's enough to make some sort of difference. 

My real point to all of this is that I have found a new set of projects that I am ready to take on and even excited to start. I'm excited to photograph again. It's going to be fun and bring a glimmer back into my eyes like a child who has seen Toy's R Us for the first time. 

I know I said yesterday that this is and will always be a fitness journal at the core, but isn't brain activity fitness just as important as regular exercise? I think it definitely is. If I don't challenge my brain as much as I challenge my brain, than I won't grow intellectually as I slim physically. If that even makes sense. 

I will openly admit that when I got accepted and started getting ready for my MBA program, I began to think to myself, "Bethany, you're selling out!!!!". I went to art school, one of the best ones in the country, and I am getting an MBA??? What does that have to do with my BFA in any way? So I sat down and wrote about it (yes, I have another super secret blog where I just write on and on...even worse than this one!). I wrote how it would benefit me in the future. How "Future Bethany" will truly appreciate the lessons learned to eventually open her own business and know how to actually run it appropriately. It may not be an MFA, which I know I always wanted. And at some point even wanted to get my doctorate in photography...why you ask....to say I had one. To challenge the idea of a doctorate, and what it means to be TRULY educated in a fine art so well, I received a doctorate for it. 

Ridiculous I know, but no more ridiculous than the other things I spoke of as a child. I had high hopes, and to this day remember when I was a child in grade school, and they asked us all, "What do you want to be when you grow up Timmy? John? Kate?.....Bethany?.....An artist!!!" I always responded with this. It was always my hope to make it big. Artists didn't have to follow rules. They didn't have to color inside the lines. They didn't have to listen to the rules of poetry, they could make up their own rules and follow them according to their own standard. And that's what I wanted out of life. Maybe that's why I never wanted to do homework, or listen to the teachers when they would teach me long division and social studies. I wanted to be an artist, was I going to follow long division at any point in my artistic endeavor? I would love to say I never needed math, but there was the strange occasion I sometimes did. But for the most part, in my college career, it went how I wanted it to go. I took the photography classes I wanted to. Started to take the one required Math or Science class required. It was called "The Art of Math"......I walked out in the middle of the break he gave us on the first day and moved into a class called Bioethics. Different, and it made me question things, and I loved it. It was informative and denying it at the time, an excellent class. 

I wish I could tell you today's blog was different than yesterday's but I don't think it is. I think it is just an extension of what I really wanted to say. Things I thought of after the fact. I think after I get back into what really makes me happy, get back into my work, finish my new website, and start school....everything in my life will fall into place. Then, things will start lining up properly!

I'm sorry for the long post today, just an abundance of things on my mind over the last few days that I needed to talk about. I appreciate everyone who reads every day. And as I said earlier in this blog, I hope that I have inspired in some way, some of you to find who and what you love to keep you motivated. The person you once were that made you happy. Find your happy place or thing or activity....you'll see a difference. Have a good Saturday, may it be full of dreams come true and revelations of things past and hopefully future!

Friday....You Tricky Devil

So I don't know about any of you, but if you have ever worked in retail, you would understand that there are no weekends, so Friday, hardly ever exists for me. And when it does, it is usually on a Sunday or Monday, and if I ever have two days off in a row, I immediately think the first day back is Monday. So my life never really has a TGIF, because I couldn't tell you the last time I had a Saturday AND a Sunday off. It never happens in retail. But, we do have family in town, so it gives me some motivation to get up, get the job done, and come back home.

I never thought, that at 25, I would be working in retail, and not living out my dreams of opening an extremely new age photography gallery in New York City. Somewhere that new photographers show their work, and eventually famous artists pick up on this strange little hole in the wall gallery and want to show there. But instead, I'm chasing escaped hamsters around the house, getting an almost 5 year old dressed for school with my eyes half-way closed, cleaning vomit off the floor and my clothes, and waking up for a job that sucks a small amount of my soul away each day. I just am not where I saw myself. I read my ten year plan from high school and I am nothing like that ambitious person that I wanted to be in High School or even in the beginning of college. I miss that person. I just haven't seen her in a long time.

I think a very small part of that creative Bethany lives inside this blog each day. With her snarky remarks and negative attitude about all things retail and corporate america. But I just want to have that paint covered jeans, hole-y t-shirt from high school, and long crazy thrown up hair girl back. I miss her. She was motivated at all times. She was positive at all times. She was happy at all times. I try to be here through these small writings each day, and to whoever reads them every day (the few people that I know of), I am grateful that you put up with the rants and "boo hoo me"'s all the time. I know there can be quite a few of them. But my intentions when I started this blog was weight loss. Not life sharing, just what I ate, what was motivating me, and what I lost each week. 

But, life threw me some curve balls that I tried my best to swing at, and surely missed. And this blog has become somewhat of an outlet for me. Don't get me wrong, it is still, at it's core, a weight loss journey and the pages do consist of that. But this has become so much more for me. I have shared more than I ever thought I would. I have cried writing some of these more times than I can think of. I have been so grateful for comments people have made when I write. You all do push me to be a better me and a more complete Bethany. So right now, in the midst of all this hectic insanity that I am suspiciously calling "life", I am going to try and find a little bit more of that Bethany I lost in college when vomit and diapers became the main concern. I know she is inside here somewhere, just feels like the right time to dig her out. 

I hope I have not made anyone else question their days, or maybe I do. I think it's healthy to question what you are doing with your life every once in a while. What some may call a "reality check". If you do choose to have one, I hope it is for the positive. Maybe you used to bike all the time, and realized that made you happy....well why did you stop? Maybe you used to make art in the basement and stopped for job purposes....make the time! I am actively going to make the time to find that part of myself again, and now I encourage you to. In a positive way. Question things from your past....it's the only way to make your future new and exciting again. It also may bring back some happiness, because I know mine will, that you didn't know you still had left in you. Have a good day, not Friday, because those don't mean anything to me anymore, but just a good day. Embrace it, and remember what made you happy...bring it back!

Thursday Rainy Days

So other than the rain, today has started out quite a day. Wake up running late already, and only to come out and see that it's pouring and people in Georgia seem to shut down when any sort of precipitation falls from the sky. Meaning Fog, Rain, Sleet, and on the strange occasion Snow. It just seems to shut everything down, so today is going to be a slow day. 

I have started listening to an audio book, and if anyone knows me, they know I hate reading, but listening to the book, being read by the Author, is wonderful. Her book is absolutely incredible. It's interesting to hear her talk and how relatable she is to who I am. I am constantly compared to her, in voice, humor, and writing as well. Which I do take as a compliment. The book is called Not That Kind of Girl, by Lena Dunham. Now I am not saying that my life is anything like her, but some of the things that she experiences in life, that most girls in my situation do experience, it is just really refreshing to hear her go through them as well. 

At one point she talks about this crash diet she went on, and how losing 40 pounds and every pound after felt better and better. And then she took a look in the mirror and realized she wasn't being true to herself. It was unhealthy and borderline anorexic, so she made the change. It was interesting to hear her talk about these stories. 

I used to take it as such an "ugh, not you too" when people would tell me that I look and act just like her. But now I see it more as a compliment. It's an incredible compliment really. She is a brilliant writer who is witty and able to defend herself and women. And not that I agree with all of her views, but I agree with a lot of them. She fights for her rights and she doesn't care what other people think of her, and I truly admire that. So today, I am going to try my best not to take anything personal. Because it is not. And to think that everything is personal, is selfish and narcissistic, which I try myself, not to be. 

So....I leave you with that. Be helpful and not selfish. Don't take things personally, and push through the day no matter how you think other people feel.

Pay It Forward

Okay, so I know I didn't post this weekend, or the first two days of the week. And there is really no true excuse other than I really didn't have anything that I wanted to get out enough to share with everyone. I had a lot of emotions running through me, and wasn't sure what to put down on "paper" so I just decided it best not to write. But, as I Lent continues, I continue to hold strong to my doing good things. I decided to go to work early today because I have nothing better to do after I drop off Alayna at school. Because I was early I figured, why not grab a nice cup of coffee and see if my manager wanted some. I decided, on me, be nice, bring in some coffee. Well I get to the person at the window to pay and she tells me, "Ma'am the gentleman in front of you took care of your order.". So instead of being like old Bethany could be, I decided to say, "I'll pay for the person behind me then!". And then after seeing the price was significantly different I decided to put a large amount in the tip jar. 

So my lesson to all of you today, is to pay it forward. I heard that apparently this is a common thing in the Starbucks drive thru line, but I have never been through the drive thru before, so it was a tad different. But I think it should be done in more places. I know when Hayden has gone out for his monthly meetings with the NCO's they often have someone pay for their tab, simply because they are in uniform. But the gesture is truly from the heart. 

Today, do something from the heart. Pay it forward to someone else. 

On another, much different note, I had my first Reiki and Meditation session last night. It was incredible to say the least. The people there are incredible and I have never felt more focused than I am now. It's almost like I can see so much more clear. It was a beautiful thing, and a connection that was incredible. And the people were so......relatable. I was so terrified that I wouldn't fit in, or that it would be strange, but we were all in this meditation circle for the same thing. And it truly was something beautiful. I found myself in tears when I woke from meditation (which apparently is very normal). It was so incredible. I really don't have any other words for it. But if it is something that you have been looking into, I strongly recommend it!

So all in all my lesson for you today is pay it forward, and be open to new things and change in your life. I was, and have never been more grateful in my life. Enjoy your day everyone!

Friday Again?

I know it's been a couple days since a post. Hayden's birthday was yesterday, so I wanted to spend all the time I could with him. It seems those moments are rare with us. And this weekend Alayna is going to be gone the whole weekend, so we may actually get to go on a date? Unheard of. But the more I think of her being gone, the more I miss her already. With all this maybe and maybe not about having more children, I want to spend every second with her. 

I am doing everything I possibly can to try and keep my body un-stressed and in a position to be calm and accepting of whatever happens. I have decided to start doing yoga, and am also doing a Reiki session on the 17th, that I am really excited about. I have been reading a lot about Chakra's and Essential oils and Reiki therapy. Although all are based out of other views, I spoke with my priest here, and he said that whatever God I believe in, his hands will be with the Reiki therapist to heal. I was so moved when I spoke to him. He blessed me and said a prayer with me. I'm trying to really let go and let God. I want to bring my faith into this as much as possible, but also explore other routes to try and become more healthy. 

I have also been using smoothies to get my protein and fat content up, so that when I work out, I am burning the right thing, which is fat. I have not been brave enough to step on the scale just yet, because I know that I am still in the process of getting into a routine. But some day, or week, I will start doing weekly weigh ins. For some reason that scale is still so daunting. When I go to the doctors and they move it to the one number and move the second one all the way down and it doesn't move, then they do it again, and again, I almost want to tell them, "Let me save you the trouble and move it to the very top for you.....It may ask for one at a time honestly". It is just so angering to see the number. I worked hard to get rid of all of it, and I feel like I'm right back where I was. But like I said last time, I can fail over and over and over and over again, but it's the getting back up, and trying again, that matters. 

So I am going to leave you with a picture today. I haven't done it in a while, but it's a good quote worth adding.

Failing Over and Over

So today I saw someone post a picture of Michael Jordon and a quote of his, "I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 3,000 games. Twenty six times I have been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed".

What a quote! I was being really hard on myself about the not being able to do all the things I want to do, but something about this quote just hit me. It doesn't matter, even if you are the best at what you do, you are going to fail at some point. At some point in your career, you are going to fail at something and along this journey I have failed over and over and over again. But the point is to keep going and to get up. I will continue to keep going and get up as many times as I need to, to reach my goal.

I know that I had committed to a half marathon, and possibly a whole marathon at some point in the next two to three years. I hope this person knows who they are when I am talking to them, but when I say don't give up, DON'T GIVE UP. Get on the horse again. Fail multiple times, but know that I am going to be at that start line with you waiting to go together. I will not run this marathon or half marathon without you. So if that means that we work harder and harder over the next couple years, and that means pushing ourselve mentally more than we thought we could, then we will do that! 

I am ready to be proud of the progress I have made, not just accept it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and be able to show it off. So to that person, whom I really hope  knows who they are, let's fail together, but let's also be extremely successful together!!!!

12 Hour Shift Drags

So today I took on a 12 hour shift....I had to do it to make up for having to leave early a couple days this week. Well I have hit my wall. I have two hours to go, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I got switched my medicines this week, per the doctors orders, and I really think it has made me more tired. I put my B12 in yesterday, and for some reason it hurt way more than it usually does. But hopefullly it will kick up in the next couple days. I've been extra shaky with the new working out and diet and medication regime, I'm hoping that it goes away with time since I'm just starting. 

I have been really focused on a lot of different things to try and keep my mind occupied. I finished my application to the MBA program, and received a $3,000 scholarship, so I am excited for that. I have been working on moving up at work, and taking on any extra responsibility I can. I have been focused on my workout routine and eating. That when I sit down at the end of the night, I feel like I've done so much but so little at the same time. If that can even make sense. I just want my mind to be away from the reality of all that's going on all around me. 

I also am trying to just make it through each day. Retail life is great, money is reliable, insurance is great, they pay for me to go to school, I could go on and on. But my life revolves around working. I wish some day I could win the lottery, pay off my debt and my parents, and just retire and be a stay at home mommy. That's my dream. But that's all it ever will be, is a dream. Like I said on a post earlier, I feel stifled, but I am working on it. I am going to try and keep as much individuality to my life as I can, and in my home, make it as individualized as I can. 

Just because I can't be exactly who I want to be at work, I can be who ever I want to be at home. So that will have to do for now. I hope you all are having a great Saturday, and enjoy every moment for me. I'm stuck here until close, so it should be very entertaining!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

So I'm starting this post off with some advice I was given from someone who I truly look up to, and it's simple....All you have to do is get up every morning, and just put one foot in front of the other to get through. I am trying just as hard as I can to do that today. Work has been especially stressful lately, and I am lucky to have the people that I do have to keep me calm through the day. And I keep telling myself, this is just a job, it is not life or death. And yet I still am sitting here daily criticizing everything that I do. 

They want us to fit in this cookie cutter world that I just have never fit into. What I loved about my job in Virginia, was I could be me. I could express myself while also staying professional. I could be who I wanted to be, whether it artistic, creative, and outspoken. Sometimes I feel like just another link in a very large chain here. Just a small part of the bigger picture....I know that this job is a great job, and it pays great, and most days I really do have a great time! But when I am asked to dampen my individuality, it just is hard to swallow. I have always been one to express myself for who I am. I know that my parents are not always happy with the decisions that I have made when I do choose to express myself (sorry Mommy and Daddy), but it's just a hard pill to swallow. 

I know corporate America IS a cookie cutter world, where everyone looks like Carol Brady and Mike Brady, and we have to look the part we want, not the part we have. But can't I look the part I want while still showing self expression? Can't I look the part without sacrificing my creativity? I experienced Art School at 100%. I took each person I met and learned them and loved them. It opened my eyes to all the different kinds of people in the world, and that even the Vice President of the school, covered in tattoos and piercings, could come off as professional. Times are changing....I'm not saying that everyone should be getting full sleeve tattoos, but a little self expression or piercing are acceptable. 

I know this page has been kind of a long rant of anger, but I just am having a hard time all around. I want to be me, the me I found in art school. The me who was picked on in grade school and high school for being weird, but accepted and celebrated for who I was when I got to art school. I feel like that person is slipping away from me, and I don't want to lose her in this boxed in work life I have. I always told mysellf when I got out of college I would take my nose ring out because it would be just a part of my life, but I realized it became a part of who I was, so I kept it. This is the first time that I have been told that it is offensive and I need to get a clear filler? But the tattoos on coworkers necks and wrists are just fine? I am by no means against them having showing tattoos, but why discriminate against piercings that people hardly even notice anyway. I guess for now I will just have to continue to be myself out of work, and keep the Carol Brady act up for when I'm in work. Sacrifices have to be made when you want something....I don't necessarily like them, but they need to be made. 

I have been going to the gym. I have been getting my calories in which is good. I have a lot of calls to make and people to see on Monday. But I am making progress on getting to some solutions to the problem...but stressing over all of this isn't going to help. So I will try to just relax, fit in, and be creative on my own time.

The Day After

So I don't have much to say after yesterday's appointment. It didn't go quite the way I was hoping, and I prayed on it yesterday, and thought quietly about it, and I know that through God all things are possible. So I will continue to do what the doctors tell me to do, and I will hopefully see some results. 

As far as the gym goes, I have been going, and have been extremely sore the whole time. It's insane what that bike can hurt. And the places I hurt the next day....I didn't even think could hurt?? But I will keep at it. Doing everything in my power to make sure I made it possible and did everything I could.

I honestly would love to write more, but I just can't. I don't have it in me, and I just have more thinking to do about things. I hope you all have a good day, and I promise I will write more tomorrow, when I am feeling a little more up to it.

Back To Working Out

Okay, so yesterday I did a lot of thinking. After the news that I received, I decided that I wanted to do everything I could to put the odds in my favor. So, I decided to get back into eating healthy (with what small appetite I had), and going back to the gym. I consulted a nutritionist to see what kind of protein bars, or meal replacement bars would be helpful, and I am ready to make this work. I want to know that whatever happens, I did all that I could to make it work.


So I am on these really good tasting bars for meals, and a pre and post workout shake, that I have to say is absolutely awful. It took everything in me to get it down last night. Even as I chugged, which I thought would be the best way to do it, I almost threw it all back up. So time to try and blend it with some veggies and see if that makes it a little bit better, or at least mask some of the taste. But I am ready to just get going with all of this.


So I get to the gym last night, feeling a bit out of my element seeing as it's been a while since I have been there, but I was told that the rower and the bike would be good options for me. So I start with the rower, and think someone who hates me made this machine. After I finish on there, I decide it's time to try this small little bike that I may or may not break. So I get on, and start peddling, not so bad. Not 10 seconds later, this bike and I have become very close, and I am almost 200% sure this machine is made by Satan himself, or at least someone in that realm. It was terrible. I am in pain today and can't even think about getting back on that machine tonight. BUT, I know that it is worth it. So tonight I will go back, get back on the bike, and burn the calories that I need to burn. I will then go home and drink Lucifer's drink of choice and continue until I have done all I can do.


This may be confusing for some who do not know the situation, but know that I need to do everything I can to get back in shape and in a place where if there is a problem, it wasn't something I did. So I hope you are all having a good day, and whatever you do...stay away from bikes!!!

March Is Here!

I'm sorry I have not written everyone. I am sitting at home, after the doctors appointment, and am just not taking the news well. I am not going to write much, because unfortunately, the appointment did not go as planned. I know I always said I would share everything on here, but if you would like to message me, I would be happy to let you know what is going on. It is not something I am wanting to share publicly right now. I also have a follow up appointment on Wednesday from the bloodwork we had done today. 

So for right now, I am going to sit back, enjoy some Beatles on record, and relax as much as possible. I hope you all had a wonderful day and continue to have a wonderful evening. Remember, life is short, enjoy every second. Every fight and make-up, every sleepless night with a newborn, and every diaper that you don't want to change. Enjoy everything! 

Until tomorrow.