Alright, I Get It

I know, I'm not the best at posting. But I have lots of updates for you. One, I went to the doctor and it looks like we may have a little bit of a close on the gap of what could possibly be wrong, downside is I have to have blood taken every two weeks for the next (however long he tells me) until we can get a positive diagnosis. Two, I lost a significant amount of weight since my last visit, which I great! I told the doctor about my problems with eating and how I don't feel like eating, and he said it was indeed the medication and that I had to just wait it out and keep eating as much protein as I can. So I am feeling really good about that. 

I also had a couple other things that I wanted to talk about, since it has been so long since our last talk. One, my website is still in the process of being finished, but it is indeed up and running and I just updated the blog on that site to tell about my new work, so head over to bekephotography.com to see what's going on over there!

Lastly, I wanted to talk about a saying we have, and it may just be in the Girl Scout culture, but I'm pretty sure everyone has heard it. Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. Now, in my opinion, that's a crappy statement. We have grown up in a society where gold is definitely better than silver, however I find my old friends to by gold no matter how many new friends I find. But in that saying, make new friends, but keep the old.....why is it so hard for us to keep the old? I had a discussion with a friend the other day and said, "I thought long and deep about my life today. I thought about the people who have entered and exited. Both on purpose and just lost connection with. And I realize that when I think about how upsettingly lonely I am each and every day, with Hayden and Alayna as the only people in my life, and most times not even them. I'm miserable. I put on a smile every day like I'm doing okay or that I'm fine with having no one, and that I don't need anyone to fill that void. But I'm not. I'm lonely and it terrifies me. I attribute so much of my depression (yes, I have depression) to this. It is truly debilitating to feel alone. Like you have no one in this world to curl up with. The person you thought you had, isn't really there. I don't wake up happy anymore, however I wake up feeling burdened." I know I know, it was a lengthy text, but it was how I felt. I know I have friends here, and I am so blessed to have the ones I do have. But the ones that have left, faded, or just vanished....it makes me push away. 

There are people in my life that I have never wanted to push away, and for some reason am now finding reasons as an adult to push. I don't want negativity in my life. There are two people (and I hope they read this and know who they are), that opened my eyes to the fact that I only came to them when I had a problem. And I wasn't doing it on purpose, by no means, but it was in fact true. And it changed how I worked my friendships. I think it tainted those friendships for sure, but I know in the background, they are still there. I made a realization yesterday, that I am that person to plenty of people. They come to me, get my advice on their problem, and I don't talk to them again. That's not friendship. That's counseling, and I should start charging by the hour or text. 

I guess what this post is really about is that I miss some of my old friends that said, "Friends forever right?". Where are you now? Where are those friends. I hope you read this, because this is me reaching out. I would love to have you back in my life, because at the end of the day, I will make new friends, but ALWAYS keep the old. Mine are no silver, but only Gold.