So About Last Night

So yesterday's post, a little dreary, I get it. I truly hope that my out look on things will change. I have been thinking a lot about home and what my life is like these days. With school, work, parenting, doctors appointments, and the array of other things going on....it's a wonder I get frustrated sometimes. I get down and upset being alone. Hayden and I have done this for years, so I am used to it, but he is on night shift, so we just kind of tap out in the morning and at night, and I never get to see Alayna, so that's on my "things that bring me down" list as well. 

It's almost like I'm at a time in my life where I don't know how to be happy anymore. A good friend said, you can't make yourself feel happy, it's a feeling that comes from within, a state of mind. Not something you can force your body into doing. However that state of mind isn't present, and hasn't been for a long time. Every once in a while, I will have a happy moment that sparks and it's like it lit the match and it just got too hot and I couldn't keep it lit. What I need is either a longer match or a lighter, that will burn for days to keep me happy. There is so much going on in this world, and to compare myself to others unhappiness would be unlawful. Yet, somehow I still feel sorry for myself in an extremely selfish way when it comes to my happiness.

Hayden and I had a talk a few months ago about me moving up to Pittsburgh with Alayna, and I just couldn't commit to being that selfish. I know it would make me happier to be with family and friends and in an environment that is steady and I can thrive in, but being without Hayden and Hayden being without Alayna, I couldn't do that. I couldn't take her from him, they are two peas in a pod. So I have to take the high road and finish out the time we have left here. 

I am not going to continue writing today, because it's going to turn into a "boo-hoo" me post. And I certainly don't want another one of those. But I think I am going to take a few days off from writing on here. Just need to take some time to get in touch with some people and maybe put me in a different mindset. Because this mindset is just too much to deal with at this time. So I will be back in a few days. Think happy, be happy, and indulge in happy as much as possible. That's what I'll be looking for these next few days.