Post Vacation

So I know it's been about a week but I wanted to update everyone on how my trip was. I did pretty well all things considered. We had to eat out for every meal, which was hard, but I managed. I ate under my points each day, and tried to make smart choices. I think with the hand of cards I was dealt, I did okay. 

So aside from all of that, we are completely moved out of the house and into our storage unit. It was stressful, but my in laws helped more than I could have possibly imagined. I'm so thankful to them and my sister in law. So shout out to you guys for being amazing and helping us move out of our house. So we are on to the next big adventure, wherever that may lead us. I'm so nervous about what comes next but it's not really in my hands at the moment. 

Hayden has just about finished his resume, so hopefully he can get that out to jobs as soon as possible so we can actually start looking for a house in our price range. I'm just so nervous about the whole thing. The whole unknown part of it is scary. I don't have any idea where I'm going to be in 6 months, and that scares me. 

Hopefully everything will fall into place. I know it will. It has to. So here's to things working out. If you have any experience with VA loans, message me. I have no idea how to even go about buying a house and the process of getting a loan, so any advice and help would be appreciated. Until tomorrow. 

Good News

So some good news to start my day off with, Hayden will be home in August...for good!!!! I can't believe this last year of my life without him is almost over. When I made the decision to move up here, it was with a lot of emotions involved. Leaving Hayden was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But I knew for my health, my mental health, it was what needed to be done. He has always been so supportive of my decision, and I couldn't ask for a better partner. 

When I asked him if I could move to Pittsburgh, it was one of the scariest things I could have done. What would he say? Would we make it through a year apart? Would Alayna be okay? Would he be okay being alone? There were so many questions and very little answers. So many unknowns but I knew I had to do it and he did too. I'm so lucky to have a man who could do such a thing. Not many would have done that. 

So that's my news. He'll be here in August and hopefully he will have a job and we can start to really save for a house. He, again, is so supportive of me. When I told him I wanted to do weight watchers, he enthusiastically told me "go for it! You'll be great!" He has always wanted what's best for me and I couldn't be more thankful for the man he is. I can't wait to have him up here, my family will finally be back together. And I can't tell you how excited Alayna is. She's going to have her best friend, her daddy back. She loves him more than words, and it will be so nice to be whole again. This has been one of the most trying years, but we have grown from it and are stronger than ever. 

Hayden, if you read this, know that I love you more than I can say. I'm so proud of all you have accomplished this year (he got his associates you guys!!!) and gong for your bachelors is no small task. I'm so happy that we have grown closer through this and that soon it will all be over. I can't wait to see what our future holds. 

Scaredy Cat

People would most likely describe me as a scaredy cat. Because I'm scared of scary movies, (embarrassingly enough) I sleep with a night light, and I don't like being outside at night. So I'm your typical scaredy cat. But there are other things I'm scared of too. Things most other people think nothing of. I'm scared about buying a house, I'm scared to move out of my house, I'm scared I'm going to be living with my parents forever. There are so many uncertainties in my life, that I don't know what my next move should be. 

So much of my life is left to chance because I have little control over what happens to me. How am I supposed to buy a house when I don't even know what Hayden will be making at a new job to figure out what kind of house we can afford. I don't even know where we are going to move our stuff after he leaves Augusta. There is so much in my life that I don't know what is going to happen. So I'm going to approach it like I approach my weight loss journey, with a plan, and sticking to the plan. 

Last night my sister and I talked and I set three short term goals for myself. If I can make those three things happen with in the next 6-12 months, I can conquer my fears and get into a house. I know that it's possible, but there is just this feeling in the back of my head that makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to explain it. Anyone else know what I'm trying to say? I guess I just have to try and achieve these three goals and move on to the next ones. I can't let my stress and fear take over too much of my weight loss journey will be impacted. And I CAN'T lose this battle this time. I have GOT to live a healthier life for Hayden and Alayna. And for myself!! I need to be happier with who I am, and I'm just not right now. So here's to the next 6-12 months and getting my three items to do, down to none, or new items!! Wish me luck!!

Moving

Alright everyone, today is not going to be so much about fitness and food as it is about my life. I just need to vent and this seems like the best place to do it. We are moving out of our house of 4 years this month, and it's becoming overwhelming. There is so much to do, and what feels like no time to do it. We have to pack, clean, get the carpets deep cleaned, possibly paint, and move all of our house into storage. All in the next two weeks. How we are going to get this done, is beyond me. I have no idea how Hayden and I are going to manage this. I feel like every time I think about it, my stress increases and my desire to do anything about it, decreases. Luckily his dad is coming down next weekend to help us, Alayna and I are going down on Friday and staying for a week to help, and some of his friends have offered their assistance as well. So hopefully among the group of us, we can move us out of our house. 

We have lived in this house of 4 years now, and it has become our home. I hate moving, it's the worst. But I know that if we move out of this home, we are one step closer to our forever home. Which is a comforting thought. I have moved (including this one) 4 times in the past 7 years. That's ridiculous. Now last time, the army packed up all our stuff and moved it for us, which was AWESOME!! This time we are on our own and I HATE that. I am awful at packing. So this is not going to be pleasant. And since the army is not packing us up and moving us, we have to move into a storage unit down in Georgia, rather than in Pittsburgh. So that kinda sucks. 

I've been looking at houses in Gibsonia for us, and have found a few that I really like. I'm just so nervous to settle into something for the rest of our lives. While I am tired of moving, it is nice to be into something new every few years, so it will be hard to break that pattern when we finally do settle down. And buying a house is a big deal!!! I just don't feel like I'm a grown up enough to be buying a house. But I guess I am. Bring on the mortgage!! 

I guess that's enough venting for now. I did find a meeting to go to in Georgia, so I will be on top of that. I at least want to weigh in and see if this is working!! So I'm going to go on Monday in Augusta. So don't worry kids, I'm not falling off the horse while I'm down there. It will be harder, because we will be eating out more. Since all our kitchen ware is packed. But I will make it work. I have to. This time has to be different!!!

Day After

Alright, so yesterday was a disaster. I ate like crap, dipped into my weekly points that I'm allowed, and didn't really work out. I felt guilty afterwards. Like it weighed on my through the night that I ate so bad and didn't work out. But I woke up this morning, ate a healthy breakfast, just ate a healthy lunch, and am moving past it. I'm trying my best not to feel so guilty about eating bad food. If I have the points to do it, why should I feel bad about it? So I'm deciding not to be upset about it. 

We went to the three rivers arts festival, and that's where the bad eating took place. I won't dare repeat what I ate, but it was not good. I could have made better choices, but I guess I just haven't built up my willpower yet. Which will come in time. I can't beat myself up too bad. The rest of the day was good. I made smart choices and made up for the bad ones. 

I decided to kind of "meal prep" yesterday. I only made chicken, but it's a start. I cooked it up in a pan with some seasoning, and now I have it for the rest of the week for on my salads. No more plain old boring salad for me!!! And it was good too!! Kinda spicy from the pepper, which I like. Now I just need to branch out and eat more than just chicken. I was thinking maybe ground turkey would be good too. Any recipe ideas for this picky eater would be nice!! I like chicken, ground turkey, some steak, and NO SEAFOOD!!! Sorry guys. As good as I know it is for me, I just can't eat it. It makes me sick!!

I'll have to look up some more meal prepping recipes for the week so I can get out of this salad routine. It's getting old fast. Not that I don't like it, but salad every day, come on. There are better things to eat than salad!! I have the protein and I have the vegetable, now I just need a healthy grain. I'll work on it. Weight watchers has some great recipes that I would like to try. So I guess I'll start there!! Here's to better food for next week!!

First Meeting

Alright, first meeting is done and in the books. I was so nervous I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. What would the number be? Would I be able to continue if it was so high I wanted to give up? What if I'm the biggest person there and they stare? Boy was I overthinking it. I went in, weighed in, in a private booth, got my sticker with my weight on it and took a deep breath. I opened the book to where she put the sticker, and I breathed the biggest sigh of relief I could muster. I hadn't put on 1,000 pounds like I thought. Only 12. So, I'm in a much better position than I thought I was. 

The rest of the meeting went well. We talked about successes and struggles, and it was comforting to know I wasn't alone. I mean I know I went with someone one, but I wasn't the only person in the world feeling this way. So it's safe to say I worked it up a ton in my head, like I do with literally every new thing that happens to me. 

Last night my parents wanted to order from Pizza Roma, which is like my favorite pizza place. So I thought, I have the points for pizza, do it Bethany! But then an even louder voice said Bethany, no!!! You can eat a chicken salad and be just as happy! So I got a buffalo chicken salad, minus the French fries (thanks Pittsburgh for you weird eats) and it was delicious. I didn't feel like I was lacking any taste or hungry for something after. I think I handled myself pretty well. 

On another note, I worked up the courage to go walk the track today, in public, in others view!! I am doing the C25K program and this is only my first day but I think it went well. I wasn't fast, but I did okay. I did a better mile than I paced in my 5k I did a few weeks ago, so I guess that's good. As I was running I was thinking, "am I ever going to enjoy this??". I just don't see how it will ever be something that I WANT to do. I hate it and it doesn't feel good. But I guess it's just something else I have to get my body used to. Anyone have any notes on how to get to like running? Did you start running and hate it? Any tips would be helpful. 

Well I'm off to enjoy my nephews soccer game. Alayna had her last soccer game today, thank goodness, it was excruciating to watch her play. But she's on to bigger things! 

Nerves

Okay, so lots to talk about today. First thing, how about there was a birthday party at school and there was cake and pizza. And guess who had none!!! I mean I put it into my points calculator, realized it was too many, and then said no, but I still said no!!! There were 3 different kinds of cake here yesterday!!!! Talk about temptation!! But I held off and ate my salad and pudding and was okay. Now I did have two small pieces of pizza for dinner, but I had the points to eat it, so I did. I don't know how good at this I'm going to be, but I'm trying. 

Stress has been playing a huge part in my day to day activities because I just have so much going on in my life right now. I have my move out of our house coming up, I have to find a new house, I'm trying to start up my photography business and getting all the right licenses and permits and insurance is a pain, I have to worry about where Alayna is going to be next year, it's just a lot on my plate. And it's like I don't know where to start with anything because I'm so stressed out about everything else. I really need to just let go and let God, but I'm not so good at that. I'm also stressing and nervous about my weigh in tomorrow. It will be my first time weighing myself in over 1 year. And I KNOW I've gained. I'm terrified. I know it's going to be a big number but no matter what it is, I'm not going to be happy about it. But at the same time, it's just a number. Why should I let one little number rule my mind and make me so miserable. And it's not like it's going to stay that number forever. Hell it's going to change next week (hopefully). So I just need to not focus on that number, no matter how daunting it is, and focus on my goal. 

I decided I should come up with a rewards system. Anyone have any ideas about what I should put on there? I figured every 10 pounds should be celebrated. And I have like 1,000,000 of those to go, so I have a lot to celebrate down the road. So any input on what you have rewarded yourself with would be helpful. I was thinking like, massages, new phone cases, photography equipment, (sorry mom) tattoo, and I'm sure there's more out there but I just haven't thought of them yet. 

Alright, that's all from me today! I hope you all have a great Friday! I'll be working until 6:30 and then off to a friends house for s'mores. Wish me luck!!

Day 2

Okay everyone, day two is halfway through and I am still okay. I decided to kind of cheat a little and join Weight Watchers. I have a friend who has had great success with it and I figured...what the hell. I will go to meetings every week and keep track of my progress. So I guess that will hold me accountable in some sort of way. I do feel weird about not counting calories, since I have always done that, but I guess this is just a different way of counting. Last night I had a hard time eating anywhere close to my points, which I have a lot, so I don't know how I'll do with that. But I guess I'd rather be below my points than over them!! 

I also worked out last night. I was as surprised as you are! And I didn't die afterwards, so it must have gone well. Now it wasn't anything intense, but I did break a sweat. Which there is something to be said for that. I'm having the same guilt issues I had before. I know I have to work out, but I feel guilty not spending time with Alayna. But I just have to keep telling myself that this is for her. Once I get to a better me, she will understand why I had to do it. And sometimes she likes to come down with me, so we do spend some time together. I guess it's just all about balance. 

I wish I could tell you I had a delicious protein for dinner and veggies, but we ate out last night. It was just Panera, so I had some healthy options. I got a salad with extra tomatoes (because they are my favorite) and extra dressing. I was living on the edge. But it was still yummy. And for lunch today I had...you guessed it...salad. But the good thing is I kinda like salad, contrary to yesterday's rant about it. It's not the worst thing to eat so I make some sacrifices and eat it. I will eventually branch out and eat more interesting (and protein packed) food. But for now, salad will work. 

I weigh in on Saturday and I'm hella nervous. I haven't been on a scale in months, and I'm straight terrified to get on one now. I lost all that weight a couple years ago and I know I've gained it all back and then some. So I just know I'm not in a good place right now. But I also know that I have to start somewhere. So I guess here it goes. 

I know I jumped around a lot on topics today, but it's my blog and I can do what I want!! Just kidding, kind of. But I promise this time is different. I'm in this for the long haul. I will see changes in myself this time. I will appreciate the little successes and the big successes. Every accomplishment is a good one. So here goes. The countdown to my 2 week mark (when something becomes a habit) starts now. If I can just get over this two week hump, I will be in it to win it. (that was cliche) So let's do this!! Who's with me?