So About Last Night

So yesterday's post, a little dreary, I get it. I truly hope that my out look on things will change. I have been thinking a lot about home and what my life is like these days. With school, work, parenting, doctors appointments, and the array of other things going on....it's a wonder I get frustrated sometimes. I get down and upset being alone. Hayden and I have done this for years, so I am used to it, but he is on night shift, so we just kind of tap out in the morning and at night, and I never get to see Alayna, so that's on my "things that bring me down" list as well. 

It's almost like I'm at a time in my life where I don't know how to be happy anymore. A good friend said, you can't make yourself feel happy, it's a feeling that comes from within, a state of mind. Not something you can force your body into doing. However that state of mind isn't present, and hasn't been for a long time. Every once in a while, I will have a happy moment that sparks and it's like it lit the match and it just got too hot and I couldn't keep it lit. What I need is either a longer match or a lighter, that will burn for days to keep me happy. There is so much going on in this world, and to compare myself to others unhappiness would be unlawful. Yet, somehow I still feel sorry for myself in an extremely selfish way when it comes to my happiness.

Hayden and I had a talk a few months ago about me moving up to Pittsburgh with Alayna, and I just couldn't commit to being that selfish. I know it would make me happier to be with family and friends and in an environment that is steady and I can thrive in, but being without Hayden and Hayden being without Alayna, I couldn't do that. I couldn't take her from him, they are two peas in a pod. So I have to take the high road and finish out the time we have left here. 

I am not going to continue writing today, because it's going to turn into a "boo-hoo" me post. And I certainly don't want another one of those. But I think I am going to take a few days off from writing on here. Just need to take some time to get in touch with some people and maybe put me in a different mindset. Because this mindset is just too much to deal with at this time. So I will be back in a few days. Think happy, be happy, and indulge in happy as much as possible. That's what I'll be looking for these next few days. 

Alright, I Get It

I know, I'm not the best at posting. But I have lots of updates for you. One, I went to the doctor and it looks like we may have a little bit of a close on the gap of what could possibly be wrong, downside is I have to have blood taken every two weeks for the next (however long he tells me) until we can get a positive diagnosis. Two, I lost a significant amount of weight since my last visit, which I great! I told the doctor about my problems with eating and how I don't feel like eating, and he said it was indeed the medication and that I had to just wait it out and keep eating as much protein as I can. So I am feeling really good about that. 

I also had a couple other things that I wanted to talk about, since it has been so long since our last talk. One, my website is still in the process of being finished, but it is indeed up and running and I just updated the blog on that site to tell about my new work, so head over to bekephotography.com to see what's going on over there!

Lastly, I wanted to talk about a saying we have, and it may just be in the Girl Scout culture, but I'm pretty sure everyone has heard it. Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. Now, in my opinion, that's a crappy statement. We have grown up in a society where gold is definitely better than silver, however I find my old friends to by gold no matter how many new friends I find. But in that saying, make new friends, but keep the old.....why is it so hard for us to keep the old? I had a discussion with a friend the other day and said, "I thought long and deep about my life today. I thought about the people who have entered and exited. Both on purpose and just lost connection with. And I realize that when I think about how upsettingly lonely I am each and every day, with Hayden and Alayna as the only people in my life, and most times not even them. I'm miserable. I put on a smile every day like I'm doing okay or that I'm fine with having no one, and that I don't need anyone to fill that void. But I'm not. I'm lonely and it terrifies me. I attribute so much of my depression (yes, I have depression) to this. It is truly debilitating to feel alone. Like you have no one in this world to curl up with. The person you thought you had, isn't really there. I don't wake up happy anymore, however I wake up feeling burdened." I know I know, it was a lengthy text, but it was how I felt. I know I have friends here, and I am so blessed to have the ones I do have. But the ones that have left, faded, or just vanished....it makes me push away. 

There are people in my life that I have never wanted to push away, and for some reason am now finding reasons as an adult to push. I don't want negativity in my life. There are two people (and I hope they read this and know who they are), that opened my eyes to the fact that I only came to them when I had a problem. And I wasn't doing it on purpose, by no means, but it was in fact true. And it changed how I worked my friendships. I think it tainted those friendships for sure, but I know in the background, they are still there. I made a realization yesterday, that I am that person to plenty of people. They come to me, get my advice on their problem, and I don't talk to them again. That's not friendship. That's counseling, and I should start charging by the hour or text. 

I guess what this post is really about is that I miss some of my old friends that said, "Friends forever right?". Where are you now? Where are those friends. I hope you read this, because this is me reaching out. I would love to have you back in my life, because at the end of the day, I will make new friends, but ALWAYS keep the old. Mine are no silver, but only Gold.

Two Days In A Row

I'm not letting you down today, I'm keeping my word and going to try and keep on keepin on daily. So I'm going to give everyone a little run down on what I like to call "Spring Sucks".....everyone else gets excited as the spring flowers start to bloom, the weather gets warmer, and the birds start chirping. For people with allergies it's like living in our own personal hell. If we go outside, there is a small chance that we could die. And for all my friends up North who are like, "Bethany, they are way worse up here!". I say nay. The pollen down here literally is covering everything with at least a half inch of it's gross debris. I leave my car under a tree and am scared to touch the handle when I get in. It's like if I touch this, and then touch my nose or eyes, I will have made the largest mistake of my life, and I've made some big mistakes. 

Some of you may ask, "Why are you talking about allergies Bethany?". Well some of you, they have prevented me from any physical activity in the last few days to a week. I have been hit harder this year even with medicine, than I have any other year. On my lunch breaks at work, I stay inside as to not have to touch any pollen. My windows and doors must stay shut because if they don't I go into nasal and throat scratching frenzy. I literally felt like I was dying this past week. I hit a 104 temperature, which I have never done when my allergies get bad, but this year was bad. 

So now that I am finally in recovery mode, seeing as it has rained, I am feeling much better, and at a point where I can actually breathe at night. I still fear the sun and all the pollen, but luckily my body is recovering. I'm not going to write much but I am going to leave you with, keep going. I know I stopped because of allergies, because I listened to my body. Listen to your body. But always push. No matter what. 

                                  

I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry!!!

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter and celebrated the real reason to eat all those chocolate bunniesa and peanut butter cup eggs...Jesus died, and was raised for us to live the lives we live now. Not a day goes by that I am thankful for that. 

So now that Lent is over, my husband's first few thoughts were, "Yes, we can eat meat on Friday's and I don't mess up as much. Can Alayna stay home with me on Sunday's or does she still need to go to church with you? (and the most ridiculous one) Are you done with doing something for other people?". I sat and thought about the questions...yes, we can eat meat all day every day now you carnivourous doofus. Yes, she is still going to church with me. And the last one stumped me...I wasn't sure if he was serious or if he was joking. 

I went to my meditation room (which I have one of those now) and I decided to think about what he had asked. He didn't ask it in a malicious way, so no mean responses to him, but he was just curious. So I decided to think about it. I meditated to some very clear meditation music and it hit me...when I helped people, or did something good to get off my back, I felt better. After this revelation I ran down stairs and told him.

I didn't want to stop doing good or letting go of old "grudges" if that's what you want to call them. I know that they teach the lesson that you crunch the paper, and smooth it out, and it is never the same. But in my eyes I will see the paper as smooth again. I am forgiving and letting go of those damaged pieces of me. They are holding me back, and it's not healthy for me. 

On another note, I had written in my last entry for you all to let me know if you wanted this to just be about food, diet, and how I am doing.....more crickets than ever. So I am going to continue to do what I have been doing, and that is incorporating both. I want to share with you what is going on in my life, and I want to be able to share with you how my daily struggles or successes are going as well. So I am going to leave the name what it is, but continue to do the same thing. 

As my grandfather would put so sweetly, I guess Easter is shot in the ass, so on to the next big adventure. Alayna's birthday card invitations should be coming out soon. That's the next big adventure we are taking, and I am trying to save as much money on it as possible! I hope that it is a big event for her, and I find it so hard that she is turning 5 years old, so it's one she may remember. I have everything all planned out, and hopefully it will be a smash. 

If you are reading this today, I apologize for the long delay, and I hope you are still going to read. The three of you out there that still read! Have a great day everyone, and remember, just because Lent is over, you can keep doing good things...it's good for the soul!