12 Hour Shift Drags

So today I took on a 12 hour shift....I had to do it to make up for having to leave early a couple days this week. Well I have hit my wall. I have two hours to go, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I got switched my medicines this week, per the doctors orders, and I really think it has made me more tired. I put my B12 in yesterday, and for some reason it hurt way more than it usually does. But hopefullly it will kick up in the next couple days. I've been extra shaky with the new working out and diet and medication regime, I'm hoping that it goes away with time since I'm just starting. 

I have been really focused on a lot of different things to try and keep my mind occupied. I finished my application to the MBA program, and received a $3,000 scholarship, so I am excited for that. I have been working on moving up at work, and taking on any extra responsibility I can. I have been focused on my workout routine and eating. That when I sit down at the end of the night, I feel like I've done so much but so little at the same time. If that can even make sense. I just want my mind to be away from the reality of all that's going on all around me. 

I also am trying to just make it through each day. Retail life is great, money is reliable, insurance is great, they pay for me to go to school, I could go on and on. But my life revolves around working. I wish some day I could win the lottery, pay off my debt and my parents, and just retire and be a stay at home mommy. That's my dream. But that's all it ever will be, is a dream. Like I said on a post earlier, I feel stifled, but I am working on it. I am going to try and keep as much individuality to my life as I can, and in my home, make it as individualized as I can. 

Just because I can't be exactly who I want to be at work, I can be who ever I want to be at home. So that will have to do for now. I hope you all are having a great Saturday, and enjoy every moment for me. I'm stuck here until close, so it should be very entertaining!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

So I'm starting this post off with some advice I was given from someone who I truly look up to, and it's simple....All you have to do is get up every morning, and just put one foot in front of the other to get through. I am trying just as hard as I can to do that today. Work has been especially stressful lately, and I am lucky to have the people that I do have to keep me calm through the day. And I keep telling myself, this is just a job, it is not life or death. And yet I still am sitting here daily criticizing everything that I do. 

They want us to fit in this cookie cutter world that I just have never fit into. What I loved about my job in Virginia, was I could be me. I could express myself while also staying professional. I could be who I wanted to be, whether it artistic, creative, and outspoken. Sometimes I feel like just another link in a very large chain here. Just a small part of the bigger picture....I know that this job is a great job, and it pays great, and most days I really do have a great time! But when I am asked to dampen my individuality, it just is hard to swallow. I have always been one to express myself for who I am. I know that my parents are not always happy with the decisions that I have made when I do choose to express myself (sorry Mommy and Daddy), but it's just a hard pill to swallow. 

I know corporate America IS a cookie cutter world, where everyone looks like Carol Brady and Mike Brady, and we have to look the part we want, not the part we have. But can't I look the part I want while still showing self expression? Can't I look the part without sacrificing my creativity? I experienced Art School at 100%. I took each person I met and learned them and loved them. It opened my eyes to all the different kinds of people in the world, and that even the Vice President of the school, covered in tattoos and piercings, could come off as professional. Times are changing....I'm not saying that everyone should be getting full sleeve tattoos, but a little self expression or piercing are acceptable. 

I know this page has been kind of a long rant of anger, but I just am having a hard time all around. I want to be me, the me I found in art school. The me who was picked on in grade school and high school for being weird, but accepted and celebrated for who I was when I got to art school. I feel like that person is slipping away from me, and I don't want to lose her in this boxed in work life I have. I always told mysellf when I got out of college I would take my nose ring out because it would be just a part of my life, but I realized it became a part of who I was, so I kept it. This is the first time that I have been told that it is offensive and I need to get a clear filler? But the tattoos on coworkers necks and wrists are just fine? I am by no means against them having showing tattoos, but why discriminate against piercings that people hardly even notice anyway. I guess for now I will just have to continue to be myself out of work, and keep the Carol Brady act up for when I'm in work. Sacrifices have to be made when you want something....I don't necessarily like them, but they need to be made. 

I have been going to the gym. I have been getting my calories in which is good. I have a lot of calls to make and people to see on Monday. But I am making progress on getting to some solutions to the problem...but stressing over all of this isn't going to help. So I will try to just relax, fit in, and be creative on my own time.

The Day After

So I don't have much to say after yesterday's appointment. It didn't go quite the way I was hoping, and I prayed on it yesterday, and thought quietly about it, and I know that through God all things are possible. So I will continue to do what the doctors tell me to do, and I will hopefully see some results. 

As far as the gym goes, I have been going, and have been extremely sore the whole time. It's insane what that bike can hurt. And the places I hurt the next day....I didn't even think could hurt?? But I will keep at it. Doing everything in my power to make sure I made it possible and did everything I could.

I honestly would love to write more, but I just can't. I don't have it in me, and I just have more thinking to do about things. I hope you all have a good day, and I promise I will write more tomorrow, when I am feeling a little more up to it.

Back To Working Out

Okay, so yesterday I did a lot of thinking. After the news that I received, I decided that I wanted to do everything I could to put the odds in my favor. So, I decided to get back into eating healthy (with what small appetite I had), and going back to the gym. I consulted a nutritionist to see what kind of protein bars, or meal replacement bars would be helpful, and I am ready to make this work. I want to know that whatever happens, I did all that I could to make it work.


So I am on these really good tasting bars for meals, and a pre and post workout shake, that I have to say is absolutely awful. It took everything in me to get it down last night. Even as I chugged, which I thought would be the best way to do it, I almost threw it all back up. So time to try and blend it with some veggies and see if that makes it a little bit better, or at least mask some of the taste. But I am ready to just get going with all of this.


So I get to the gym last night, feeling a bit out of my element seeing as it's been a while since I have been there, but I was told that the rower and the bike would be good options for me. So I start with the rower, and think someone who hates me made this machine. After I finish on there, I decide it's time to try this small little bike that I may or may not break. So I get on, and start peddling, not so bad. Not 10 seconds later, this bike and I have become very close, and I am almost 200% sure this machine is made by Satan himself, or at least someone in that realm. It was terrible. I am in pain today and can't even think about getting back on that machine tonight. BUT, I know that it is worth it. So tonight I will go back, get back on the bike, and burn the calories that I need to burn. I will then go home and drink Lucifer's drink of choice and continue until I have done all I can do.


This may be confusing for some who do not know the situation, but know that I need to do everything I can to get back in shape and in a place where if there is a problem, it wasn't something I did. So I hope you are all having a good day, and whatever you do...stay away from bikes!!!

March Is Here!

I'm sorry I have not written everyone. I am sitting at home, after the doctors appointment, and am just not taking the news well. I am not going to write much, because unfortunately, the appointment did not go as planned. I know I always said I would share everything on here, but if you would like to message me, I would be happy to let you know what is going on. It is not something I am wanting to share publicly right now. I also have a follow up appointment on Wednesday from the bloodwork we had done today. 

So for right now, I am going to sit back, enjoy some Beatles on record, and relax as much as possible. I hope you all had a wonderful day and continue to have a wonderful evening. Remember, life is short, enjoy every second. Every fight and make-up, every sleepless night with a newborn, and every diaper that you don't want to change. Enjoy everything! 

Until tomorrow.

Retail Life

Usually when people say "Yes, it's Friday!" It's because they have the weekend off. In the life of retail, we don't get weekends off. So I don't know what that's like. I have been working on trying to be more accepting of the hours. I know I've been doing it over a year, but it's hard to miss so much time with family. I don't think that will ever get easier. 

What I want to talk mostly about today, is forgiveness. This morning started off crazy, and I have a feeling it's going to continue. It's just one of those days, when the stars align just right to make your day that much more unpredictable. But something that I want to talk about is forgiveness. And I have finally decided what I truly want my end goal of Lent to be. 

Anyone who has ever known me, or really gotten to know me, knows that I never had a good, or even existing relationship with my Mother's side of the family. Other than my Aunt Putzie and Uncle Bill, I have not gotten to know any of them. The only person I was close with was my Great Grandmother. She was like a Grandmother to me. She used to make these homemade candies that were so delicious. She always made things in small portions. It made spending time with her unique and fun. It is the most positive memories of a Grandmother on that side. And then I had my Grandmother on my Father's side. My Nonnie....she was a Mother of three, Grandmother of Six, and before she passed away, Great Grandmother of 13. And she loved each and every one of us, just as much as the other. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the love she showed me. I'm blessed that I got the time with her that I did. It's hard now as an adult to hear others talk about their grandparents, and when they ask you, to respond, well I don't have any. 

For years, even when my Mother's Mother was alive and my Nonnie was alive, I claimed one grandparent. It had been almost 13 years since I had seen my Mother's Mom when she passed away. There was no feeling there. No sadness, or grief. No anger or resentment. I just wanted my Mom to be happy. For so long, 13 years I guess, and maybe  even more than that, I held in this resentment towards her side of the family. For excluding her, for hurting her, for making her feel like she didn't belong, I hated it. I hated the feeling inside me, but even more, I hated the feeling they inflicted upon her. She doesn't like to talk about it, and I don't like to upset her, so that's when my decision was made. I get angry and resentful when I speak about her, so for Lent, by the end of these (now less then) 40 days, I will let it go. I will let that anger go and move on. It is not worth holding onto. 

I spoke to my Dad this morning, and he sent me a Bible verse that could perfectly summarize what I'm planning on doing.

1st Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

And that is what I plan on doing, doing away with childish things and ways of thinking. Time to move on, and get that weight off my shoulders.

Rainy Day Blues

So today I am in one of those really nervous moods. I am going to the doctor tomorrow, and getting results of some bloodwork back, and having more bloodwork done. I am so nervous any time I am getting any kind of news back from the doctor. I don't like feeling so in the dark. And even worse, I hate when they call to give you results and say, "This came back this way, and the doctor would like to discuss it with you in person.". I ask why, but all I get back is, they would prefer to speak to me about it in person. I'm already nervous enough, don't keep me waiting!

Luckily this time, the discussion is just about me not eating and what exactly can be prescribed to fix that, or what I can at least use to supplement. When I talked to him on the phone it was one of two options, so I guess it's all in what he sees is best. I am just letting it go and not letting it weigh on my shoulders.

Today I also wanted to address something else, my weighing in. I had been messaged, about if I was still doing weekly weigh ins, and I am. But I am finally brave enough to admit, that I gained back the weight I had lost, and now I've lost it again but not the right way. So I feel like I'm just not ready to do weigh in's until I'm losing weight in a healthy way. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I just want to be happy about the weight loss before I start the real journey. 

I also wanted to talk a little bit about how upset I am at myself, I have truly let myself down in the way that, I should have been ready for a marathon by now, or at least a half marathon. And I let myself down, because if I tried that right now, first mile I would fall over. So instead of letting it really bother me, I am going to pick myself up, and aim for 2017/2018. I am giving myself 2-3 years to get ready, back to healthy, and ready to do a full marathon. I know it sounds silly to set a goal that far away, but I need time to get my body back to where it was, and I need to get money together, because if I'm going to do a marathon, I'm going to do it in style, and in Disney! So time to start keeping a jar to save up for that marathon....because I am going to do it. I will not let myself down. I will not lose this time. I am going to fall down sometimes. And that's going to be okay. To anyone who reads this, just know that even if it is just you Dad, you motivate me to move and keep going. Even if I did stop for a little bit, it doesn't mean that we stop. We get back up, brush off the dirt and keep going. So Dad, and whomever else is reading....keep going...and help me keep going. Obviously I need a little help or I wouldn't have taken a year off!