Friday Again?

I know it's been a couple days since a post. Hayden's birthday was yesterday, so I wanted to spend all the time I could with him. It seems those moments are rare with us. And this weekend Alayna is going to be gone the whole weekend, so we may actually get to go on a date? Unheard of. But the more I think of her being gone, the more I miss her already. With all this maybe and maybe not about having more children, I want to spend every second with her. 

I am doing everything I possibly can to try and keep my body un-stressed and in a position to be calm and accepting of whatever happens. I have decided to start doing yoga, and am also doing a Reiki session on the 17th, that I am really excited about. I have been reading a lot about Chakra's and Essential oils and Reiki therapy. Although all are based out of other views, I spoke with my priest here, and he said that whatever God I believe in, his hands will be with the Reiki therapist to heal. I was so moved when I spoke to him. He blessed me and said a prayer with me. I'm trying to really let go and let God. I want to bring my faith into this as much as possible, but also explore other routes to try and become more healthy. 

I have also been using smoothies to get my protein and fat content up, so that when I work out, I am burning the right thing, which is fat. I have not been brave enough to step on the scale just yet, because I know that I am still in the process of getting into a routine. But some day, or week, I will start doing weekly weigh ins. For some reason that scale is still so daunting. When I go to the doctors and they move it to the one number and move the second one all the way down and it doesn't move, then they do it again, and again, I almost want to tell them, "Let me save you the trouble and move it to the very top for you.....It may ask for one at a time honestly". It is just so angering to see the number. I worked hard to get rid of all of it, and I feel like I'm right back where I was. But like I said last time, I can fail over and over and over and over again, but it's the getting back up, and trying again, that matters. 

So I am going to leave you with a picture today. I haven't done it in a while, but it's a good quote worth adding.

Failing Over and Over

So today I saw someone post a picture of Michael Jordon and a quote of his, "I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 3,000 games. Twenty six times I have been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed".

What a quote! I was being really hard on myself about the not being able to do all the things I want to do, but something about this quote just hit me. It doesn't matter, even if you are the best at what you do, you are going to fail at some point. At some point in your career, you are going to fail at something and along this journey I have failed over and over and over again. But the point is to keep going and to get up. I will continue to keep going and get up as many times as I need to, to reach my goal.

I know that I had committed to a half marathon, and possibly a whole marathon at some point in the next two to three years. I hope this person knows who they are when I am talking to them, but when I say don't give up, DON'T GIVE UP. Get on the horse again. Fail multiple times, but know that I am going to be at that start line with you waiting to go together. I will not run this marathon or half marathon without you. So if that means that we work harder and harder over the next couple years, and that means pushing ourselve mentally more than we thought we could, then we will do that! 

I am ready to be proud of the progress I have made, not just accept it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and be able to show it off. So to that person, whom I really hope  knows who they are, let's fail together, but let's also be extremely successful together!!!!

12 Hour Shift Drags

So today I took on a 12 hour shift....I had to do it to make up for having to leave early a couple days this week. Well I have hit my wall. I have two hours to go, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I got switched my medicines this week, per the doctors orders, and I really think it has made me more tired. I put my B12 in yesterday, and for some reason it hurt way more than it usually does. But hopefullly it will kick up in the next couple days. I've been extra shaky with the new working out and diet and medication regime, I'm hoping that it goes away with time since I'm just starting. 

I have been really focused on a lot of different things to try and keep my mind occupied. I finished my application to the MBA program, and received a $3,000 scholarship, so I am excited for that. I have been working on moving up at work, and taking on any extra responsibility I can. I have been focused on my workout routine and eating. That when I sit down at the end of the night, I feel like I've done so much but so little at the same time. If that can even make sense. I just want my mind to be away from the reality of all that's going on all around me. 

I also am trying to just make it through each day. Retail life is great, money is reliable, insurance is great, they pay for me to go to school, I could go on and on. But my life revolves around working. I wish some day I could win the lottery, pay off my debt and my parents, and just retire and be a stay at home mommy. That's my dream. But that's all it ever will be, is a dream. Like I said on a post earlier, I feel stifled, but I am working on it. I am going to try and keep as much individuality to my life as I can, and in my home, make it as individualized as I can. 

Just because I can't be exactly who I want to be at work, I can be who ever I want to be at home. So that will have to do for now. I hope you all are having a great Saturday, and enjoy every moment for me. I'm stuck here until close, so it should be very entertaining!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

So I'm starting this post off with some advice I was given from someone who I truly look up to, and it's simple....All you have to do is get up every morning, and just put one foot in front of the other to get through. I am trying just as hard as I can to do that today. Work has been especially stressful lately, and I am lucky to have the people that I do have to keep me calm through the day. And I keep telling myself, this is just a job, it is not life or death. And yet I still am sitting here daily criticizing everything that I do. 

They want us to fit in this cookie cutter world that I just have never fit into. What I loved about my job in Virginia, was I could be me. I could express myself while also staying professional. I could be who I wanted to be, whether it artistic, creative, and outspoken. Sometimes I feel like just another link in a very large chain here. Just a small part of the bigger picture....I know that this job is a great job, and it pays great, and most days I really do have a great time! But when I am asked to dampen my individuality, it just is hard to swallow. I have always been one to express myself for who I am. I know that my parents are not always happy with the decisions that I have made when I do choose to express myself (sorry Mommy and Daddy), but it's just a hard pill to swallow. 

I know corporate America IS a cookie cutter world, where everyone looks like Carol Brady and Mike Brady, and we have to look the part we want, not the part we have. But can't I look the part I want while still showing self expression? Can't I look the part without sacrificing my creativity? I experienced Art School at 100%. I took each person I met and learned them and loved them. It opened my eyes to all the different kinds of people in the world, and that even the Vice President of the school, covered in tattoos and piercings, could come off as professional. Times are changing....I'm not saying that everyone should be getting full sleeve tattoos, but a little self expression or piercing are acceptable. 

I know this page has been kind of a long rant of anger, but I just am having a hard time all around. I want to be me, the me I found in art school. The me who was picked on in grade school and high school for being weird, but accepted and celebrated for who I was when I got to art school. I feel like that person is slipping away from me, and I don't want to lose her in this boxed in work life I have. I always told mysellf when I got out of college I would take my nose ring out because it would be just a part of my life, but I realized it became a part of who I was, so I kept it. This is the first time that I have been told that it is offensive and I need to get a clear filler? But the tattoos on coworkers necks and wrists are just fine? I am by no means against them having showing tattoos, but why discriminate against piercings that people hardly even notice anyway. I guess for now I will just have to continue to be myself out of work, and keep the Carol Brady act up for when I'm in work. Sacrifices have to be made when you want something....I don't necessarily like them, but they need to be made. 

I have been going to the gym. I have been getting my calories in which is good. I have a lot of calls to make and people to see on Monday. But I am making progress on getting to some solutions to the problem...but stressing over all of this isn't going to help. So I will try to just relax, fit in, and be creative on my own time.

The Day After

So I don't have much to say after yesterday's appointment. It didn't go quite the way I was hoping, and I prayed on it yesterday, and thought quietly about it, and I know that through God all things are possible. So I will continue to do what the doctors tell me to do, and I will hopefully see some results. 

As far as the gym goes, I have been going, and have been extremely sore the whole time. It's insane what that bike can hurt. And the places I hurt the next day....I didn't even think could hurt?? But I will keep at it. Doing everything in my power to make sure I made it possible and did everything I could.

I honestly would love to write more, but I just can't. I don't have it in me, and I just have more thinking to do about things. I hope you all have a good day, and I promise I will write more tomorrow, when I am feeling a little more up to it.

Back To Working Out

Okay, so yesterday I did a lot of thinking. After the news that I received, I decided that I wanted to do everything I could to put the odds in my favor. So, I decided to get back into eating healthy (with what small appetite I had), and going back to the gym. I consulted a nutritionist to see what kind of protein bars, or meal replacement bars would be helpful, and I am ready to make this work. I want to know that whatever happens, I did all that I could to make it work.


So I am on these really good tasting bars for meals, and a pre and post workout shake, that I have to say is absolutely awful. It took everything in me to get it down last night. Even as I chugged, which I thought would be the best way to do it, I almost threw it all back up. So time to try and blend it with some veggies and see if that makes it a little bit better, or at least mask some of the taste. But I am ready to just get going with all of this.


So I get to the gym last night, feeling a bit out of my element seeing as it's been a while since I have been there, but I was told that the rower and the bike would be good options for me. So I start with the rower, and think someone who hates me made this machine. After I finish on there, I decide it's time to try this small little bike that I may or may not break. So I get on, and start peddling, not so bad. Not 10 seconds later, this bike and I have become very close, and I am almost 200% sure this machine is made by Satan himself, or at least someone in that realm. It was terrible. I am in pain today and can't even think about getting back on that machine tonight. BUT, I know that it is worth it. So tonight I will go back, get back on the bike, and burn the calories that I need to burn. I will then go home and drink Lucifer's drink of choice and continue until I have done all I can do.


This may be confusing for some who do not know the situation, but know that I need to do everything I can to get back in shape and in a place where if there is a problem, it wasn't something I did. So I hope you are all having a good day, and whatever you do...stay away from bikes!!!

March Is Here!

I'm sorry I have not written everyone. I am sitting at home, after the doctors appointment, and am just not taking the news well. I am not going to write much, because unfortunately, the appointment did not go as planned. I know I always said I would share everything on here, but if you would like to message me, I would be happy to let you know what is going on. It is not something I am wanting to share publicly right now. I also have a follow up appointment on Wednesday from the bloodwork we had done today. 

So for right now, I am going to sit back, enjoy some Beatles on record, and relax as much as possible. I hope you all had a wonderful day and continue to have a wonderful evening. Remember, life is short, enjoy every second. Every fight and make-up, every sleepless night with a newborn, and every diaper that you don't want to change. Enjoy everything! 

Until tomorrow.