Just One More Shift

So I just need to make it to 5:15 pm today and I will be off until monday! Something about that feeling of knowing you're off the next day gives you an almost senioritis like feeling. It's a strange nostalgia, but I enjoy it because i know that only relaxation remains for tomorrow. 

I find as I am preparing for school that I am getting more and more nervous for it. It's like I feel like I need to pack a backpack, with new highlighters, pens, number two pencils, a trapper keeper, and some loose leaf paper. Stand at my front steps for a first day of school picture, and then just walk back inside for my online MBA in which I need none of the aforementioned things, okay maybe the highlighters and pens and maybe even the paper. But mostly a computer and the books I need for my course. I was never one for the "first day of school". I hated it more than anything else. And in all honesty I always hated school. I didn't want to fit into a system that everyone else was in. Worse of all I hated standardized testing. 

When I took my SAT's, the essay we had to write about was "Why is Standardized Testing Necessary for the Development of Young Adults Moving to a Higher Education?".......Really? I will openly admit, I did terrible on my SAT's, surprised I even spelled my name right to be honest. But the essay, I could have written for weeks on all the things I have to say about why "Standardized Testing" is not necessary, and in some cases, not fair. As we have established in previous blogs, I am not the cookie cutter person meant to live in a normal fashion. My home is covered in all things elephants, and Doctor Who, the occasional Walking dead statue here and there. I argued in my essay that how you can you judge a "standard" you want everyone to fit in, when not everyone is standard. When you ask a fill in the bubble question that says, "in your opinion, which answer best fits this question....". And when I do answer the question with my opinion, it's wrong. But you asked me what my opinion was, not what the right answer was to you? They aren't meant for everyone. And I wrote very angrily in my essay how right brained people think differently than left brained. A left brained person has no problem doing a test like that. It's what their brain is more conditioned to understand and excel at. If there was a drawing section, or it was an all essay test, than maybe I would have had a fighting chance to pass on a better level. I did however score the highest possible score on my essay section of the SAT's. Did I make some huge impact on the Board of Education to change the format of the SAT's, absolutely not. Not even sure they even read them, or just feed them through a machine, and the machine counts the words and decides if that's enough to make some sort of difference. 

My real point to all of this is that I have found a new set of projects that I am ready to take on and even excited to start. I'm excited to photograph again. It's going to be fun and bring a glimmer back into my eyes like a child who has seen Toy's R Us for the first time. 

I know I said yesterday that this is and will always be a fitness journal at the core, but isn't brain activity fitness just as important as regular exercise? I think it definitely is. If I don't challenge my brain as much as I challenge my brain, than I won't grow intellectually as I slim physically. If that even makes sense. 

I will openly admit that when I got accepted and started getting ready for my MBA program, I began to think to myself, "Bethany, you're selling out!!!!". I went to art school, one of the best ones in the country, and I am getting an MBA??? What does that have to do with my BFA in any way? So I sat down and wrote about it (yes, I have another super secret blog where I just write on and on...even worse than this one!). I wrote how it would benefit me in the future. How "Future Bethany" will truly appreciate the lessons learned to eventually open her own business and know how to actually run it appropriately. It may not be an MFA, which I know I always wanted. And at some point even wanted to get my doctorate in photography...why you ask....to say I had one. To challenge the idea of a doctorate, and what it means to be TRULY educated in a fine art so well, I received a doctorate for it. 

Ridiculous I know, but no more ridiculous than the other things I spoke of as a child. I had high hopes, and to this day remember when I was a child in grade school, and they asked us all, "What do you want to be when you grow up Timmy? John? Kate?.....Bethany?.....An artist!!!" I always responded with this. It was always my hope to make it big. Artists didn't have to follow rules. They didn't have to color inside the lines. They didn't have to listen to the rules of poetry, they could make up their own rules and follow them according to their own standard. And that's what I wanted out of life. Maybe that's why I never wanted to do homework, or listen to the teachers when they would teach me long division and social studies. I wanted to be an artist, was I going to follow long division at any point in my artistic endeavor? I would love to say I never needed math, but there was the strange occasion I sometimes did. But for the most part, in my college career, it went how I wanted it to go. I took the photography classes I wanted to. Started to take the one required Math or Science class required. It was called "The Art of Math"......I walked out in the middle of the break he gave us on the first day and moved into a class called Bioethics. Different, and it made me question things, and I loved it. It was informative and denying it at the time, an excellent class. 

I wish I could tell you today's blog was different than yesterday's but I don't think it is. I think it is just an extension of what I really wanted to say. Things I thought of after the fact. I think after I get back into what really makes me happy, get back into my work, finish my new website, and start school....everything in my life will fall into place. Then, things will start lining up properly!

I'm sorry for the long post today, just an abundance of things on my mind over the last few days that I needed to talk about. I appreciate everyone who reads every day. And as I said earlier in this blog, I hope that I have inspired in some way, some of you to find who and what you love to keep you motivated. The person you once were that made you happy. Find your happy place or thing or activity....you'll see a difference. Have a good Saturday, may it be full of dreams come true and revelations of things past and hopefully future!

Friday....You Tricky Devil

So I don't know about any of you, but if you have ever worked in retail, you would understand that there are no weekends, so Friday, hardly ever exists for me. And when it does, it is usually on a Sunday or Monday, and if I ever have two days off in a row, I immediately think the first day back is Monday. So my life never really has a TGIF, because I couldn't tell you the last time I had a Saturday AND a Sunday off. It never happens in retail. But, we do have family in town, so it gives me some motivation to get up, get the job done, and come back home.

I never thought, that at 25, I would be working in retail, and not living out my dreams of opening an extremely new age photography gallery in New York City. Somewhere that new photographers show their work, and eventually famous artists pick up on this strange little hole in the wall gallery and want to show there. But instead, I'm chasing escaped hamsters around the house, getting an almost 5 year old dressed for school with my eyes half-way closed, cleaning vomit off the floor and my clothes, and waking up for a job that sucks a small amount of my soul away each day. I just am not where I saw myself. I read my ten year plan from high school and I am nothing like that ambitious person that I wanted to be in High School or even in the beginning of college. I miss that person. I just haven't seen her in a long time.

I think a very small part of that creative Bethany lives inside this blog each day. With her snarky remarks and negative attitude about all things retail and corporate america. But I just want to have that paint covered jeans, hole-y t-shirt from high school, and long crazy thrown up hair girl back. I miss her. She was motivated at all times. She was positive at all times. She was happy at all times. I try to be here through these small writings each day, and to whoever reads them every day (the few people that I know of), I am grateful that you put up with the rants and "boo hoo me"'s all the time. I know there can be quite a few of them. But my intentions when I started this blog was weight loss. Not life sharing, just what I ate, what was motivating me, and what I lost each week. 

But, life threw me some curve balls that I tried my best to swing at, and surely missed. And this blog has become somewhat of an outlet for me. Don't get me wrong, it is still, at it's core, a weight loss journey and the pages do consist of that. But this has become so much more for me. I have shared more than I ever thought I would. I have cried writing some of these more times than I can think of. I have been so grateful for comments people have made when I write. You all do push me to be a better me and a more complete Bethany. So right now, in the midst of all this hectic insanity that I am suspiciously calling "life", I am going to try and find a little bit more of that Bethany I lost in college when vomit and diapers became the main concern. I know she is inside here somewhere, just feels like the right time to dig her out. 

I hope I have not made anyone else question their days, or maybe I do. I think it's healthy to question what you are doing with your life every once in a while. What some may call a "reality check". If you do choose to have one, I hope it is for the positive. Maybe you used to bike all the time, and realized that made you happy....well why did you stop? Maybe you used to make art in the basement and stopped for job purposes....make the time! I am actively going to make the time to find that part of myself again, and now I encourage you to. In a positive way. Question things from your past....it's the only way to make your future new and exciting again. It also may bring back some happiness, because I know mine will, that you didn't know you still had left in you. Have a good day, not Friday, because those don't mean anything to me anymore, but just a good day. Embrace it, and remember what made you happy...bring it back!

Thursday Rainy Days

So other than the rain, today has started out quite a day. Wake up running late already, and only to come out and see that it's pouring and people in Georgia seem to shut down when any sort of precipitation falls from the sky. Meaning Fog, Rain, Sleet, and on the strange occasion Snow. It just seems to shut everything down, so today is going to be a slow day. 

I have started listening to an audio book, and if anyone knows me, they know I hate reading, but listening to the book, being read by the Author, is wonderful. Her book is absolutely incredible. It's interesting to hear her talk and how relatable she is to who I am. I am constantly compared to her, in voice, humor, and writing as well. Which I do take as a compliment. The book is called Not That Kind of Girl, by Lena Dunham. Now I am not saying that my life is anything like her, but some of the things that she experiences in life, that most girls in my situation do experience, it is just really refreshing to hear her go through them as well. 

At one point she talks about this crash diet she went on, and how losing 40 pounds and every pound after felt better and better. And then she took a look in the mirror and realized she wasn't being true to herself. It was unhealthy and borderline anorexic, so she made the change. It was interesting to hear her talk about these stories. 

I used to take it as such an "ugh, not you too" when people would tell me that I look and act just like her. But now I see it more as a compliment. It's an incredible compliment really. She is a brilliant writer who is witty and able to defend herself and women. And not that I agree with all of her views, but I agree with a lot of them. She fights for her rights and she doesn't care what other people think of her, and I truly admire that. So today, I am going to try my best not to take anything personal. Because it is not. And to think that everything is personal, is selfish and narcissistic, which I try myself, not to be. 

So....I leave you with that. Be helpful and not selfish. Don't take things personally, and push through the day no matter how you think other people feel.

Pay It Forward

Okay, so I know I didn't post this weekend, or the first two days of the week. And there is really no true excuse other than I really didn't have anything that I wanted to get out enough to share with everyone. I had a lot of emotions running through me, and wasn't sure what to put down on "paper" so I just decided it best not to write. But, as I Lent continues, I continue to hold strong to my doing good things. I decided to go to work early today because I have nothing better to do after I drop off Alayna at school. Because I was early I figured, why not grab a nice cup of coffee and see if my manager wanted some. I decided, on me, be nice, bring in some coffee. Well I get to the person at the window to pay and she tells me, "Ma'am the gentleman in front of you took care of your order.". So instead of being like old Bethany could be, I decided to say, "I'll pay for the person behind me then!". And then after seeing the price was significantly different I decided to put a large amount in the tip jar. 

So my lesson to all of you today, is to pay it forward. I heard that apparently this is a common thing in the Starbucks drive thru line, but I have never been through the drive thru before, so it was a tad different. But I think it should be done in more places. I know when Hayden has gone out for his monthly meetings with the NCO's they often have someone pay for their tab, simply because they are in uniform. But the gesture is truly from the heart. 

Today, do something from the heart. Pay it forward to someone else. 

On another, much different note, I had my first Reiki and Meditation session last night. It was incredible to say the least. The people there are incredible and I have never felt more focused than I am now. It's almost like I can see so much more clear. It was a beautiful thing, and a connection that was incredible. And the people were so......relatable. I was so terrified that I wouldn't fit in, or that it would be strange, but we were all in this meditation circle for the same thing. And it truly was something beautiful. I found myself in tears when I woke from meditation (which apparently is very normal). It was so incredible. I really don't have any other words for it. But if it is something that you have been looking into, I strongly recommend it!

So all in all my lesson for you today is pay it forward, and be open to new things and change in your life. I was, and have never been more grateful in my life. Enjoy your day everyone!

Friday Again?

I know it's been a couple days since a post. Hayden's birthday was yesterday, so I wanted to spend all the time I could with him. It seems those moments are rare with us. And this weekend Alayna is going to be gone the whole weekend, so we may actually get to go on a date? Unheard of. But the more I think of her being gone, the more I miss her already. With all this maybe and maybe not about having more children, I want to spend every second with her. 

I am doing everything I possibly can to try and keep my body un-stressed and in a position to be calm and accepting of whatever happens. I have decided to start doing yoga, and am also doing a Reiki session on the 17th, that I am really excited about. I have been reading a lot about Chakra's and Essential oils and Reiki therapy. Although all are based out of other views, I spoke with my priest here, and he said that whatever God I believe in, his hands will be with the Reiki therapist to heal. I was so moved when I spoke to him. He blessed me and said a prayer with me. I'm trying to really let go and let God. I want to bring my faith into this as much as possible, but also explore other routes to try and become more healthy. 

I have also been using smoothies to get my protein and fat content up, so that when I work out, I am burning the right thing, which is fat. I have not been brave enough to step on the scale just yet, because I know that I am still in the process of getting into a routine. But some day, or week, I will start doing weekly weigh ins. For some reason that scale is still so daunting. When I go to the doctors and they move it to the one number and move the second one all the way down and it doesn't move, then they do it again, and again, I almost want to tell them, "Let me save you the trouble and move it to the very top for you.....It may ask for one at a time honestly". It is just so angering to see the number. I worked hard to get rid of all of it, and I feel like I'm right back where I was. But like I said last time, I can fail over and over and over and over again, but it's the getting back up, and trying again, that matters. 

So I am going to leave you with a picture today. I haven't done it in a while, but it's a good quote worth adding.

Failing Over and Over

So today I saw someone post a picture of Michael Jordon and a quote of his, "I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 3,000 games. Twenty six times I have been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed".

What a quote! I was being really hard on myself about the not being able to do all the things I want to do, but something about this quote just hit me. It doesn't matter, even if you are the best at what you do, you are going to fail at some point. At some point in your career, you are going to fail at something and along this journey I have failed over and over and over again. But the point is to keep going and to get up. I will continue to keep going and get up as many times as I need to, to reach my goal.

I know that I had committed to a half marathon, and possibly a whole marathon at some point in the next two to three years. I hope this person knows who they are when I am talking to them, but when I say don't give up, DON'T GIVE UP. Get on the horse again. Fail multiple times, but know that I am going to be at that start line with you waiting to go together. I will not run this marathon or half marathon without you. So if that means that we work harder and harder over the next couple years, and that means pushing ourselve mentally more than we thought we could, then we will do that! 

I am ready to be proud of the progress I have made, not just accept it. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and be able to show it off. So to that person, whom I really hope  knows who they are, let's fail together, but let's also be extremely successful together!!!!

12 Hour Shift Drags

So today I took on a 12 hour shift....I had to do it to make up for having to leave early a couple days this week. Well I have hit my wall. I have two hours to go, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I got switched my medicines this week, per the doctors orders, and I really think it has made me more tired. I put my B12 in yesterday, and for some reason it hurt way more than it usually does. But hopefullly it will kick up in the next couple days. I've been extra shaky with the new working out and diet and medication regime, I'm hoping that it goes away with time since I'm just starting. 

I have been really focused on a lot of different things to try and keep my mind occupied. I finished my application to the MBA program, and received a $3,000 scholarship, so I am excited for that. I have been working on moving up at work, and taking on any extra responsibility I can. I have been focused on my workout routine and eating. That when I sit down at the end of the night, I feel like I've done so much but so little at the same time. If that can even make sense. I just want my mind to be away from the reality of all that's going on all around me. 

I also am trying to just make it through each day. Retail life is great, money is reliable, insurance is great, they pay for me to go to school, I could go on and on. But my life revolves around working. I wish some day I could win the lottery, pay off my debt and my parents, and just retire and be a stay at home mommy. That's my dream. But that's all it ever will be, is a dream. Like I said on a post earlier, I feel stifled, but I am working on it. I am going to try and keep as much individuality to my life as I can, and in my home, make it as individualized as I can. 

Just because I can't be exactly who I want to be at work, I can be who ever I want to be at home. So that will have to do for now. I hope you all are having a great Saturday, and enjoy every moment for me. I'm stuck here until close, so it should be very entertaining!