Day 137

Happy Sunday Everyone. I have decided that the reason I am losing readers is because I'm not talking about fitness. Remember when that's what this blog was all about??? So that's what it's going to focus on from here on out. I figured out that what really sparked my reason I essentially have given up is because when I got hurt, I thought "why bother?". But NO MORE!

I started this journey because I was so unhappy with myself that I couldn't bear the thought of living life like this forever. And I SWEAR I WON'T!!!! So I have got to step up the game. Now...I know what you are thinking, "Bethany, you say this every day and nothing changes". That's just it. I give up on myself every time I start this journey and just fall back into habits....but at least this time I haven't completely given up on myself. So I just want you all to know I am trying. Life has gotten in my way ever so slightly, but I am working through it.

It is back to clean eating (right before the holidays....I know it's risky), but I KNOW I can do it! I will work as hard as I need to to make sure that I keep on track with this journey. I don't expect the changes to come over night, and it will be a struggle, but with your support, and my families support, and my friends....I will get through this. I refuse to let in and let this win. I am stronger than that. Food will not beat me!!!!

Have a wonderful Sunday night everyone. I hope you all jump back on my wagon with me and keep reading. I know there is a lot of fight left in me! So stick around for the ride!!!

Day 135 - Weigh In

Where do I even start to write this post. I have been dreading it since I woke up this morning, because I knew when I got on that scale today, it wasn't going to be good. I gained .9 pounds this week. There is no one that could more disappointed than me. However, I knew this was coming. I don't think I have been as honest with myself or you guys as I really should be. I am stressed and the thing I do best when I am stressed....is the thing I should NOT be doing. I can't even believe that I am sitting here writing this.....I know what I NEED to do, but for some reason I am just having a really hard time with it. I really need to refocus myself and figure out what I can do to get back on track. I am so upset with this week and it was quite the realization of how bad I really have been doing.

So this week needs to be a fresh start. Restart those initial two weeks to get back on track when I started. I don't know why I have been having such a hard time, but this is me taking the high road and admitting that I have failed. I have failed pretty miserably....So I have to do something about it. I'm not trying to be negative about this situation. I know that this happens in any journey, but I just thought this time would be different. I am so used to disappointing myself and everyone around me, and I'm right back to that point. I can't believe that I have done it again. So I need to figure out what makes this time different!

I had such high hopes for this trip, and now all that is rushing through my mind are all my initial fears going on this trip. This is not how I imagined going and looking when going. But I have to somehow make the most of it. I wanted to be in a different place in this journey and I am no where near that. Not that I want to blame anyone for my mistakes, or my faults, but this job has been rough to make it all work. And it seems like any time something changes, I make an excuse to quit. So no more. I am going to make this work....I don't know how, but now it is just about figuring it out!

So to close, I think what is weighing on me most, is I had a conversation with my Mom when I started this job. I told her no matter what I would keep doing everything I was doing, because I didn't want to change anything about this journey and I failed. I hate going back on something I thought I could do. And I know that she won't be upset, but I am so disappointed in myself. I know you all are going to say I am too tough on myself, and I am, but it's how I have to be if I want something to change. And I do. I am so upset with where I am, and I am just hoping that I can turn that into motivation. I made a promise to my mom and myself that I would keep going through it all, and I have let her and myself down. Time to make the change. Better late than never right?

You all have an excellent Friday....I have a lot of thinking and rearranging to do on mine!!!