Alright everyone.....I owe you a nice long post. A post with promise and hope....but tonight....I want to write about a comfy bed. And a fluffy pillow and blanket. Today was way longer than I had intended. Well, I guess it really went the normal length, but it felt so much longer.
I have so many things I want to say today about the day, but don't know how to put them into words. I never thought I would be lost for words, but I am. I don't know how to say what I need to say with out being angry or upset. So I think it is best if I just keep it to myself. I am going to use that frustration at the gym tonight. I am not going for long, but enough to relax myself and de-stress.
I wish I could write you more. I wish I could put into words what I need to say to all of you tonight, but I am at a loss. I am just too upset. I know I keep saying that, but it's how I feel. I will write more tomorrow. Hopefully I will be a little more of sound mind then!
Enjoy your evenings everyone!
Showing posts with label On A Mission. Show all posts
Showing posts with label On A Mission. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Day 137
Happy Sunday Everyone. I have decided that the reason I am losing readers is because I'm not talking about fitness. Remember when that's what this blog was all about??? So that's what it's going to focus on from here on out. I figured out that what really sparked my reason I essentially have given up is because when I got hurt, I thought "why bother?". But NO MORE!
I started this journey because I was so unhappy with myself that I couldn't bear the thought of living life like this forever. And I SWEAR I WON'T!!!! So I have got to step up the game. Now...I know what you are thinking, "Bethany, you say this every day and nothing changes". That's just it. I give up on myself every time I start this journey and just fall back into habits....but at least this time I haven't completely given up on myself. So I just want you all to know I am trying. Life has gotten in my way ever so slightly, but I am working through it.
It is back to clean eating (right before the holidays....I know it's risky), but I KNOW I can do it! I will work as hard as I need to to make sure that I keep on track with this journey. I don't expect the changes to come over night, and it will be a struggle, but with your support, and my families support, and my friends....I will get through this. I refuse to let in and let this win. I am stronger than that. Food will not beat me!!!!
Have a wonderful Sunday night everyone. I hope you all jump back on my wagon with me and keep reading. I know there is a lot of fight left in me! So stick around for the ride!!!
I started this journey because I was so unhappy with myself that I couldn't bear the thought of living life like this forever. And I SWEAR I WON'T!!!! So I have got to step up the game. Now...I know what you are thinking, "Bethany, you say this every day and nothing changes". That's just it. I give up on myself every time I start this journey and just fall back into habits....but at least this time I haven't completely given up on myself. So I just want you all to know I am trying. Life has gotten in my way ever so slightly, but I am working through it.
It is back to clean eating (right before the holidays....I know it's risky), but I KNOW I can do it! I will work as hard as I need to to make sure that I keep on track with this journey. I don't expect the changes to come over night, and it will be a struggle, but with your support, and my families support, and my friends....I will get through this. I refuse to let in and let this win. I am stronger than that. Food will not beat me!!!!
Have a wonderful Sunday night everyone. I hope you all jump back on my wagon with me and keep reading. I know there is a lot of fight left in me! So stick around for the ride!!!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Day 133
Good Morning Everyone!!! I hope you all are having a great morning! I am trying to keep positive. I also had a discovery last night.....no matter how much I try to focus on just me, like I talked about last night, I will always put others first, and that's okay. I don't know why, but it's just how I am. I try to switch it off, but I just can't, and that's not a bad thing! You know, when I was in school, I was the person other people came to with problems. People would let me know what was going on, and I was just a good ear, shoulder, or hug that they needed. I am okay with being that. So I will continue to focus on me, but I will make sure to have a balance. And I will ALSO make sure to go to someone if I feel the need to talk to someone!
So I also know I keep saying that I don't really have anyone here....wah wah wah...right? I hate feeling sorry for myself. And then I had a shocking realization, I do have people. They know who they are, and I am so thankful for their support. It truly does keep me going every day. I know that working, eating right, going to they gym, taking care of Alayna and Hayden, and keeping a house clean is not all that much work, but sometimes it gets to be a lot. And I am so lucky to have these people in my life. I guess I just thought it was time to give some credit, where credit is due, so to you guys, I say THANK YOU! I have been so lucky to find people here, not many, but enough to make my days so much better!!!
So I'm trying to think of what the point of this post was supposed to be....early mornings tend to mess with my brain a little bit! I guess what it really comes down to, is I don't think I can change who I am. I will always put others first. I got it from my grandmother. I guess it is why I care so much about what others have to say about me, because I work so hard to make everyone else happy. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.....So I will continue to care about others, I will thank everyone for what they do (too much usually), and I will try my very best to still keep a focus on me!!!
So I think this post was a little rambly, but I hope it got my point across. I am happy to help others, and I thought that would be what I needed to focus on to make myself more focused, but it isn't. I need to focus on doing everything! I need to just spread myself evenly across everything! So in closing, have a great Wednesday and I will talk to all of you tomorrow!!!!
So I also know I keep saying that I don't really have anyone here....wah wah wah...right? I hate feeling sorry for myself. And then I had a shocking realization, I do have people. They know who they are, and I am so thankful for their support. It truly does keep me going every day. I know that working, eating right, going to they gym, taking care of Alayna and Hayden, and keeping a house clean is not all that much work, but sometimes it gets to be a lot. And I am so lucky to have these people in my life. I guess I just thought it was time to give some credit, where credit is due, so to you guys, I say THANK YOU! I have been so lucky to find people here, not many, but enough to make my days so much better!!!
So I'm trying to think of what the point of this post was supposed to be....early mornings tend to mess with my brain a little bit! I guess what it really comes down to, is I don't think I can change who I am. I will always put others first. I got it from my grandmother. I guess it is why I care so much about what others have to say about me, because I work so hard to make everyone else happy. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.....So I will continue to care about others, I will thank everyone for what they do (too much usually), and I will try my very best to still keep a focus on me!!!
So I think this post was a little rambly, but I hope it got my point across. I am happy to help others, and I thought that would be what I needed to focus on to make myself more focused, but it isn't. I need to focus on doing everything! I need to just spread myself evenly across everything! So in closing, have a great Wednesday and I will talk to all of you tomorrow!!!!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Day 120
Hello Everyone!!! I hope you all are having an incredible morning! I woke up this morning with a new out look. My dad sent me this message yesterday that was so full of impact for me!!
"Life is a pilgrimage, but sometimes you need pilgrimage to discover life."
That couldn't be more true! I think sometimes I get so caught up in life that I forget to really experience and figure it out. So I really need to hone in and figure out what is important. I only have so many days left before I go to Disney World, and not like I am stopping then, but I need to really kick it into gear. So I need to really focus on what is important right now.
I know I keep saying that, and then doing nothing, but I REALLY mean it this time. I don't know what has been my problem lately, and why I have been so lazy, but I just want to get back into my routines. I know it is about getting into a routine, but I am just really struggling with it. It is so hard to work, long days at that, and to come home and cook, and then to work out too??? It gets to be a lot. So I guess it is about just sucking it up, and figuring it out. So now I WILL figure it out.
To give you all a little snapshot of my days:
6:00 am - Get up, get me ready, get Alayna ready, and Miss J. comes.
7:30 am - Head to work for the day, and run around ALL day until around 6:00/7:00.
7:00 pm - Make and eat dinner
8:30 pm - Watch a little bit of TV with Hayden and Alayna and work on anything I need to finalize for work.
9:00 pm - BED!!!!!
So I guess what it really comes down to, is that at 9:00....I need to go to the gym and then go to bed after that. It will just be about sucking it up and getting there. So I promise....starting today...my butt is GOING TO THE GYM!!!!!!
I hope you all hold me accountable here! I better get a slurry of messages telling me to get to the gym!!!! I hope you all have a great day, and I will write tomorrow...for weigh in day. (Which I KNOW will not be a good one). Until tomorrow!
"Life is a pilgrimage, but sometimes you need pilgrimage to discover life."
That couldn't be more true! I think sometimes I get so caught up in life that I forget to really experience and figure it out. So I really need to hone in and figure out what is important. I only have so many days left before I go to Disney World, and not like I am stopping then, but I need to really kick it into gear. So I need to really focus on what is important right now.
I know I keep saying that, and then doing nothing, but I REALLY mean it this time. I don't know what has been my problem lately, and why I have been so lazy, but I just want to get back into my routines. I know it is about getting into a routine, but I am just really struggling with it. It is so hard to work, long days at that, and to come home and cook, and then to work out too??? It gets to be a lot. So I guess it is about just sucking it up, and figuring it out. So now I WILL figure it out.
To give you all a little snapshot of my days:
6:00 am - Get up, get me ready, get Alayna ready, and Miss J. comes.
7:30 am - Head to work for the day, and run around ALL day until around 6:00/7:00.
7:00 pm - Make and eat dinner
8:30 pm - Watch a little bit of TV with Hayden and Alayna and work on anything I need to finalize for work.
9:00 pm - BED!!!!!
So I guess what it really comes down to, is that at 9:00....I need to go to the gym and then go to bed after that. It will just be about sucking it up and getting there. So I promise....starting today...my butt is GOING TO THE GYM!!!!!!
I hope you all hold me accountable here! I better get a slurry of messages telling me to get to the gym!!!! I hope you all have a great day, and I will write tomorrow...for weigh in day. (Which I KNOW will not be a good one). Until tomorrow!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Day 116
So today we went to the Columbia County Fair, and my goodness was it fun!!! I had such a good time with Alayna, and when we originally got there, I didn't want to ride the rides. The feelings I had when I tried to ride rides last time returned. "I'm not going to fit, I'm too big, people will ask me to get off". It was embarrassing last time. It hurt inside more than I can even explain....but this time...I fit in everything I went on!!! It was SO much fun to do these things as a family! I had such a blast with Hayden and Alayna. And we took pictures together, and guess what....I liked them!!! I for some reason just feel like I look better....happier!
Can anyone please fill me in...do I look happier in pictures? Because I feel happier in them. I don't feel like the Big Girl anymore! It is such a relieving feeling!
Tomorrow I have to be up early to go to work. So I am unfortunately going to keep it kind of short tonight. I want you all to know that I am scarily close to my Disney trip, so it is time to really step it up! I am ready to have the most amazing time of my life....I want my sister and brother to see me and say "WOW!". So I need to really start working hard. I am still tweaking how I am going to make it work, but I am going to MAKE IT WORK!!!
Have an amazing Sunday night everyone!!
Can anyone please fill me in...do I look happier in pictures? Because I feel happier in them. I don't feel like the Big Girl anymore! It is such a relieving feeling!
Tomorrow I have to be up early to go to work. So I am unfortunately going to keep it kind of short tonight. I want you all to know that I am scarily close to my Disney trip, so it is time to really step it up! I am ready to have the most amazing time of my life....I want my sister and brother to see me and say "WOW!". So I need to really start working hard. I am still tweaking how I am going to make it work, but I am going to MAKE IT WORK!!!
Have an amazing Sunday night everyone!!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Day 114 - Weigh In
Good Morning everyone. Like I said yesterday, I knew this weigh in would be pointless. Nothing changed. And I realized that I didn't log into My Fitness Pal yesterday, so all 113 days of hard work aren't even showing on there anymore. I can't believe I didn't log in?!?! I felt very angry that I did that....I have worked too hard to give up now, but honestly, that's what it feels like I'm doing. I feel like I have been going on this journey so long, that now, I'm just kind of faking it. Yeah, I'm still losing weight, but not the way I was before. This feels so much like the lazy way.
So now, the feeling I have RIGHT NOW....is fury....and it is motivating. I am so furious with myself. I told myself (and other people too) when I got this job I would NOT let it get to me. I would keep going like I was before and I would let NOTHING get in my way. And then I let work get in my way. How could I??? I lied and cheated myself out of months of hard work. So I feel like I have to jump on this horse all over again. I don't think I wanted to admit to you guys (although I'm sure you could tell) that I had not been doing everything that I should be. And I am more mad at myself than anyone could be. I have been faking for too long, and it is time for me to jump on this horse, and try again. I refuse to be defeated. I refuse to let the food and laziness win.
I know in life that I will come into busy spots and life will just happen, but I can't let up completely. I have almost already given up on myself, and I just can't bear to do that. I am better than that. I know you all tell me, "You are too hard on yourself." "You are working and being a mom, you are doing great." "You are making it work.". But honestly, I'm not. I'm not making anything work. It is hard. Being a working mom, who is also trying to lose weight by eating healthy, and who is also trying to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, and who is also trying to make sure she is spending enough time with her family....it is so hard. I mean, like, unbelievably hard. I don't know how people do it.....I mean really...I need some professional advice, because it is just really proving difficult. I said I wouldn't use tired as an excuse, but I am so damn tired it is unreal!!! How do I dig down deep and find the energy???
I apologize for all the venting. I think the missing a day on MFP was really my final straw. I can't keep being lazy. My body is paying for it, and I am so unhappy with myself for it. I am back at not wanting to look in the mirror really....So time to re-focus myself. Remember why I started, and GET BACK ON THAT HORSE!!!!!!!
Have a great Friday Everyone.
So now, the feeling I have RIGHT NOW....is fury....and it is motivating. I am so furious with myself. I told myself (and other people too) when I got this job I would NOT let it get to me. I would keep going like I was before and I would let NOTHING get in my way. And then I let work get in my way. How could I??? I lied and cheated myself out of months of hard work. So I feel like I have to jump on this horse all over again. I don't think I wanted to admit to you guys (although I'm sure you could tell) that I had not been doing everything that I should be. And I am more mad at myself than anyone could be. I have been faking for too long, and it is time for me to jump on this horse, and try again. I refuse to be defeated. I refuse to let the food and laziness win.
I know in life that I will come into busy spots and life will just happen, but I can't let up completely. I have almost already given up on myself, and I just can't bear to do that. I am better than that. I know you all tell me, "You are too hard on yourself." "You are working and being a mom, you are doing great." "You are making it work.". But honestly, I'm not. I'm not making anything work. It is hard. Being a working mom, who is also trying to lose weight by eating healthy, and who is also trying to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, and who is also trying to make sure she is spending enough time with her family....it is so hard. I mean, like, unbelievably hard. I don't know how people do it.....I mean really...I need some professional advice, because it is just really proving difficult. I said I wouldn't use tired as an excuse, but I am so damn tired it is unreal!!! How do I dig down deep and find the energy???
I apologize for all the venting. I think the missing a day on MFP was really my final straw. I can't keep being lazy. My body is paying for it, and I am so unhappy with myself for it. I am back at not wanting to look in the mirror really....So time to re-focus myself. Remember why I started, and GET BACK ON THAT HORSE!!!!!!!
Have a great Friday Everyone.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Day 111
Hello Everyone!! Today was a LONG day! I can't believe how busy it was. I ran around with the owner of the company today, and it was really awesome. When I worked at Splendid, it was no big deal to see Ken (no offense Ken, I saw you all the time!), but here, he lives in Chicago, and you are lucky to see him twice a year. So to meet him this soon....was pretty cool!!
I have been so focused on work lately, and it is paying off. I love my job, and to be noticed for doing well...it's nice. I don't want to talk just about work...but I do want to talk about life. There are only 40 days left until Disney, and I have a lot of work to start putting in. Now that this stressful period at work has slowed down a little, I can get back focused on that!!!
So I am keeping it short tonight. I'm tired, and I want to spend some time with Hayden and Alayna. I hope you all have an amazing evening and I will write more tomorrow!!!
I have been so focused on work lately, and it is paying off. I love my job, and to be noticed for doing well...it's nice. I don't want to talk just about work...but I do want to talk about life. There are only 40 days left until Disney, and I have a lot of work to start putting in. Now that this stressful period at work has slowed down a little, I can get back focused on that!!!
So I am keeping it short tonight. I'm tired, and I want to spend some time with Hayden and Alayna. I hope you all have an amazing evening and I will write more tomorrow!!!
Monday, October 14, 2013
Day 96
I am so so sorry it is so late tonight!! I got home late and then decided to eat dinner and enjoy it with my family instead of keeping my nose in my computer. I am going to work late tomorrow so I will be able to be up and blogging in the morning!!!
I know I have been kind of short with you guys, and I am sorry for that, but life has been really busy these last few days with work and trying to catch up around the house. BUT I will make sure to write a nice long post tomorrow. Tell you all about my upcoming doctors appointment and my visit that is coming up with my mom and dad!!!!
SO you all have a wonderful evening and I PROMISE you more to come tomorrow!!
I know I have been kind of short with you guys, and I am sorry for that, but life has been really busy these last few days with work and trying to catch up around the house. BUT I will make sure to write a nice long post tomorrow. Tell you all about my upcoming doctors appointment and my visit that is coming up with my mom and dad!!!!
SO you all have a wonderful evening and I PROMISE you more to come tomorrow!!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Day 84
I knew I couldn't do it 3 days in a row!! I'm sorry everyone. And I am even more sorry that I am going to be really short tonight. Alayna is in QUITE the mood today, and I am busy dealing with that. Today I had the most awful urge to have something sugary and sweet...and I fought temptation all day with it. So when I got home, I had dinner and thought, "Maybe just a glass of lemonade". But then I REALLY thought about that decision. Was that what is best for me right now??? NOOOO!!!! I decided to go with water instead! I know it is just a small victory, but sometimes those are what we need to take. I am not the BEST at saying no to things. I am terrified when I need to go on my Disney trip, and giving in to all my favorite things. I know it is about portion control, and not over doing it, but sometimes that doesn't come as easily to me.
I know I am one to go back for seconds. I sometimes think about my family functions. I can't tell you how many events that we base strictly on food. I mean every Thanksgiving we have a huge breakfast, a round of appetizers, and then dinner, ohhh and dessert too......none of which we REALLY need!!! But we just keep eating it!! I don't know how I am going to do this holiday season. I won't even let Hayden keep the Halloween candy in the house, because I just am not ready to say no to that yet. But I am working hard at that.
I hope to grow this Holiday season. I hope that I can become a stronger person for it. I am leaving you with this tonight....what do you tell yourself to stop those awful cravings? What do you tell yourselves to get through tough situations?
I hope you all have a wonderful evening!!!
I know I am one to go back for seconds. I sometimes think about my family functions. I can't tell you how many events that we base strictly on food. I mean every Thanksgiving we have a huge breakfast, a round of appetizers, and then dinner, ohhh and dessert too......none of which we REALLY need!!! But we just keep eating it!! I don't know how I am going to do this holiday season. I won't even let Hayden keep the Halloween candy in the house, because I just am not ready to say no to that yet. But I am working hard at that.
I hope to grow this Holiday season. I hope that I can become a stronger person for it. I am leaving you with this tonight....what do you tell yourself to stop those awful cravings? What do you tell yourselves to get through tough situations?
I hope you all have a wonderful evening!!!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Day 78
Day 78.....the day before weigh in day and I will tell you it has been weighing on me all day. I DON'T think tomorrow is going to look good for me. I have not been as good as I would have hoped, and only worked out a couple times. It just wasn't the week I had hoped for. Next week is full force and taking care of myself!!! Working out, just the way that I need it to!
I know that I have been slacking on posts...I do! But we are heading into a new month and I PROMISE to take better care of all of you and post nice long posts every morning. It's just when I get up in the morning, it's either 15 minutes extra sleep or write...and some mornings, the extra sleep out weighs the writing. I'm sorry!!!! But we all know that weigh in day I am up and at em' nice and early, so I will definitely have a nice long post to write tomorrow. I also want to update you all on how things are feeling with my ankle....which is looking on the positive side!!!
SO unfortunately, Big Bang Theory is premiering tonight and I need to get watching!! I hope you all have a wonderful evening, and I will talk to you bright and early in the morning!!!
I know that I have been slacking on posts...I do! But we are heading into a new month and I PROMISE to take better care of all of you and post nice long posts every morning. It's just when I get up in the morning, it's either 15 minutes extra sleep or write...and some mornings, the extra sleep out weighs the writing. I'm sorry!!!! But we all know that weigh in day I am up and at em' nice and early, so I will definitely have a nice long post to write tomorrow. I also want to update you all on how things are feeling with my ankle....which is looking on the positive side!!!
SO unfortunately, Big Bang Theory is premiering tonight and I need to get watching!! I hope you all have a wonderful evening, and I will talk to you bright and early in the morning!!!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Day 70
Day 70!!!! Unbelievable! Really...I can't even believe it! I apologize for the late post again, work was crazy today, and when I got home it was time to spend with Alayna. I have a lot of long days coming up because of some new phone launches coming (can't legally discuss that information in whole ;) ). I was thinking today how much I am trying to juggle right now, that I don't even know how I'm doing it, but somehow I am making it work. I keep getting these updates from our babysitter about how well she is doing and it makes me so happy!
Today she sent me a picture and video of Alayna at the library doing craft time and reading time. It was incredible to see how much she is developing and learning! She can now write A, B, C, and D and spell her name. I am so impressed with how well she is doing, it just pushes me to do well as well.
I am going to keep tonight short, which I know I have been saying a lot lately, but I promise that one of these days I am going to write a very long post about things more personally and how I have been feeling lately. I PROMISE!!! It's coming!! So I bid you all a well evening tonight....I am off to watch a movie with Hayden and relax!
Goodnight everyone <3
Today she sent me a picture and video of Alayna at the library doing craft time and reading time. It was incredible to see how much she is developing and learning! She can now write A, B, C, and D and spell her name. I am so impressed with how well she is doing, it just pushes me to do well as well.
I am going to keep tonight short, which I know I have been saying a lot lately, but I promise that one of these days I am going to write a very long post about things more personally and how I have been feeling lately. I PROMISE!!! It's coming!! So I bid you all a well evening tonight....I am off to watch a movie with Hayden and relax!
Goodnight everyone <3
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Day 63
Alright everyone....I forgot to write this morning! I am so sorry!!! I am going to keep tonight VERY short! Just enough to fill you in on how yesterdays appointment went.
I got the results back (preliminarily) and the Achilles is fully in tact, which is GREAT!! However, the muscle surrounding it is damaged. And there is a lot of fluid build up in my ankle around the accessory muscle (whatever that is). So I will now have to try to get an ortho appointment and we can go from there on how to fix it. The pain has just been increasing day by day and I am hoping to get this moving quickly because of it.
I told Hayden I wanted to go to the gym tonight, but we both discussed, and I am going to wait until next week after my regular appointment to see what the doctor says I should do.
I apologize again for no post! It just completely slipped my mind this morning while getting ready. I hope you all had a wonderful Wednesday!! I will write a longer post tomorrow, I promise!!
I got the results back (preliminarily) and the Achilles is fully in tact, which is GREAT!! However, the muscle surrounding it is damaged. And there is a lot of fluid build up in my ankle around the accessory muscle (whatever that is). So I will now have to try to get an ortho appointment and we can go from there on how to fix it. The pain has just been increasing day by day and I am hoping to get this moving quickly because of it.
I told Hayden I wanted to go to the gym tonight, but we both discussed, and I am going to wait until next week after my regular appointment to see what the doctor says I should do.
I apologize again for no post! It just completely slipped my mind this morning while getting ready. I hope you all had a wonderful Wednesday!! I will write a longer post tomorrow, I promise!!
Friday, September 6, 2013
Day 58 - Weigh In
Weigh in day...it's finally here. Seems like since I started back to work, it is happening more often than not! But it keeps me on my toes! So I was thinking today that maybe I would make all of you wait until the VERY END of this post to see what I weighed in at this week. But then I assumed that people would just scroll to the bottom, read, and then scroll back up and read the rest. So go ahead everyone.....scroll to the bottom of the page....read my numbers.................
Tricked you...I am going to put them right here! This week I weighed in 2.9 lbs. down for a total of 28.8 lbs. down in 58 days! Again, it wasn't quite where I wanted to be, but I will take 28.8 over 0 any day of the week!!!!
So for all of you that scrolled down for nothing, I apologize. Just feeling in a cheerful mood this morning! I woke up feeling tired, down, and ready to just crawl back into bed. Until I went to get my morning shake and I saw something on my fridge. It's a little card from my Nonnie's funeral and it says:
Tricked you...I am going to put them right here! This week I weighed in 2.9 lbs. down for a total of 28.8 lbs. down in 58 days! Again, it wasn't quite where I wanted to be, but I will take 28.8 over 0 any day of the week!!!!
So for all of you that scrolled down for nothing, I apologize. Just feeling in a cheerful mood this morning! I woke up feeling tired, down, and ready to just crawl back into bed. Until I went to get my morning shake and I saw something on my fridge. It's a little card from my Nonnie's funeral and it says:
God hath not promised
skies always blue. Flowers strewn
pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised
sun without rain, joy without sorrow,
peace without pain.
But God hath promised
strength for the day, rest for the labor,
light for the way, grace for the trials,
help from above, unfailing sympathy,
undying love.
It was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Nonnie always has a way of coming into my life exactly when I need her. When things weren't going well, and I really needed to get a job, she was there. I know I have a guardian angel watching over me through all of this. So because I know she is reading or listening, thank you. Thank you for guiding me when you knew I needed it, and allowing me to figure things out on my own when you knew that was what was best for me. You have always had a faith and love in me that was unexplainable. You have pushed me through this journey more than I ever thought possible, because you weren't here, but I found out you are always here. It is just how you choose to make yourself present, that makes me see you now. So, thank you.
And thank YOU! All of you have kept on pushing. When I'm down, injured, sick, failing, or even just happy and having you share in that! This journey is hard. Anyone who has ever been through it, or tried and stumbled, knows it is a hard thing to do. You are changing your entire life around to adapt to a new way of life. So thank you all for sticking with me!
Have a wonderful Friday! Enjoy your family, friends, and even co-workers. They are what make you who you are, and keep you on the journey you are on. Don't ever forget that!
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Day 57
Another morning up early and post late. I don't know what I need to do to get up early and just write! I have been working 12 hour days lately, and they just have me so tired. Tomorrow is weigh in day, and I can honestly say I think I am about the same as last week. I have been fluctuating all week and it just hasn't been enjoyable to see. So hopefully I can turn it around this next week.
I have felt very hopeless this week because of not being able to work out. It has been a very painful week because I am both in pain from my ankle hurting and in emotional pain from not working out. I just really want to get back in the gym, and my body is telling me it's not ready to go back. So I sit and wait until my ankle is ready to run again. I have been doing abs and arms until then, but it is just not sufficing me. I WANT/NEED to get back in that gym on the elliptical and on the treadmill and the stepper and rower. I'm tired of being at a stand still.
I know have been complaining about this a lot lately, but it is what I am feeling. I can't help but feel so angry with my results. I am angry with how my body is treating me after I try to help it to feel better and healthier. I am ANGRY with the results that are showing up while I am not working out like I want. And I just need to figure out how to get past all this anger.
I wish I could tell you all I went back to the gym yesterday, but I couldn't. I was just in too much pain. I couldn't help but feel like I was about to break apart as soon as I started just stretching to run. SO I think I just need to focus on very healing thoughts. Hopefully that will benefit me in the long run.
Alright...enough rambling from me. I am finally home from work, and I want to relax. You all do the same! Talk to you tomorrow AM for weigh in day!
I have felt very hopeless this week because of not being able to work out. It has been a very painful week because I am both in pain from my ankle hurting and in emotional pain from not working out. I just really want to get back in the gym, and my body is telling me it's not ready to go back. So I sit and wait until my ankle is ready to run again. I have been doing abs and arms until then, but it is just not sufficing me. I WANT/NEED to get back in that gym on the elliptical and on the treadmill and the stepper and rower. I'm tired of being at a stand still.
I know have been complaining about this a lot lately, but it is what I am feeling. I can't help but feel so angry with my results. I am angry with how my body is treating me after I try to help it to feel better and healthier. I am ANGRY with the results that are showing up while I am not working out like I want. And I just need to figure out how to get past all this anger.
I wish I could tell you all I went back to the gym yesterday, but I couldn't. I was just in too much pain. I couldn't help but feel like I was about to break apart as soon as I started just stretching to run. SO I think I just need to focus on very healing thoughts. Hopefully that will benefit me in the long run.
Alright...enough rambling from me. I am finally home from work, and I want to relax. You all do the same! Talk to you tomorrow AM for weigh in day!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Day 55
Day 55......already???? I don't even believe it! It doesn't feel like it has been that long already! I know towards the beginning of this journey, I made a list of why I was doing this. Some of those things have changed, and some have stayed the same, and I have also added to that list. I thought maybe today I would take a look at that list and remind myself why I want to be this new person so bad....
- Alayna....she is so important to me, and I know that she is (other than myself) the biggest reason I want to change.
- Hayden, of course. I want him to get the best possible version of me that is possible.
- My family....they also deserve the most amazing daughter and sister and aunt that is possible. So I need to be healthy and happy for them.
- To go shopping and not walk out of the store crying. Being able to shop at the same store as Hayden. I've never been able to, and I would love to not have to go to a special store just because I can't fit in the ones where he is (the clothes, not the store...that would be ridiculous!).
- Disney world!!!!! To be able to fit in the rides and keep up with my family. I want to make the most out of this trip, and if that means being healthy and happy, so be it!
- Fitting into a nice swimsuit without having to wear a cover up or tshirt the whole time!!
- To have some ABS!!!!! This one is self explanatory!
- Being able to keep up with Alayna and letting nothing hold me back!!
- Being able to wear heels and not feel like I'm going to fall down with every step!
- To feel comfortable in front of the camera, not just behind it.
So I changed and expanded some of the list, but they are all still relevant. I just feel like there is so much left to change, but still so much that has. I most of all, more than anything on this list, just want to be 100% happy and healthy with myself. I just want to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend, and person I can possibly be. I hope that I can constantly keep these goals in mind even when I am feeling down.
All of you, don't forget why you start something. I know sometimes we get so blinded by what we want...like that pizza, or drink, or whatever else is something you LOVE, but you just have to remember why you started. And don't EVER forget where you came from...it will help push you through any road block you come across.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Day 53
Good Morning Everyone! Happy Sunday!!!!
Today is yet again, another day of work. I fortunately got a nice night of sleep, and looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, saw someone who was happy. I feel pretty and feel like I'm looking good. Now, by no means am I even 1/1000th of the way through this journey, but I'm that much closer!!! I am finally able to look in the mirror and see someone who actually wants to see themselves.
So these last few days I have been pretty upset with how things have been playing out. I am upset that I have to take a week off. I'm upset that I can't spend more time at home, and I'm upset that I'm still stuck in certain clothes. But then.....I put on a bra from about 4 years ago today....and it fit perfectly! I took pictures today (I do periodically just so I can see how I'm doing) and I couldn't believe what I saw. It's incredible how looking in the mirror, I can't really see anything, but when I compare the pictures side by side, I can see it so much clearer. I guess my eyes are so set on seeing what I hate to see, and not all of the incredible changes that have happened.
I told Hayden I think it is time to start shopping for new pants, but I am really scared how it will go. I hate how shopping has become this feared thing to me. I always go in and see all the clothes I want to be wearing, and decide to just leave as to not embarrass myself....I just don't want that to happen. So I will give you all an update on how that goes after it happens!!!
I have to go get ready for work, but you all have a wonderful Sunday!!
Today is yet again, another day of work. I fortunately got a nice night of sleep, and looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, saw someone who was happy. I feel pretty and feel like I'm looking good. Now, by no means am I even 1/1000th of the way through this journey, but I'm that much closer!!! I am finally able to look in the mirror and see someone who actually wants to see themselves.
So these last few days I have been pretty upset with how things have been playing out. I am upset that I have to take a week off. I'm upset that I can't spend more time at home, and I'm upset that I'm still stuck in certain clothes. But then.....I put on a bra from about 4 years ago today....and it fit perfectly! I took pictures today (I do periodically just so I can see how I'm doing) and I couldn't believe what I saw. It's incredible how looking in the mirror, I can't really see anything, but when I compare the pictures side by side, I can see it so much clearer. I guess my eyes are so set on seeing what I hate to see, and not all of the incredible changes that have happened.
I told Hayden I think it is time to start shopping for new pants, but I am really scared how it will go. I hate how shopping has become this feared thing to me. I always go in and see all the clothes I want to be wearing, and decide to just leave as to not embarrass myself....I just don't want that to happen. So I will give you all an update on how that goes after it happens!!!
I have to go get ready for work, but you all have a wonderful Sunday!!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Day 52
Alright everyone, I know that I'm late with this one!!! Work truly got the best of me. And unfortunately I had a small little accident happen last night that put me out of commission through till this morning. I unfortunately was at the gym and found that with each stride I took on the elliptical, the more pain the back of my heel to my knee hurt. So I called Hayden and told him to come pick me up, because I felt like something was wrong. We went to the ER and after way too long of a wait the doctor came in and told me that it was a severe Achilles strain, and that if I continue to work out how I am now, I would tear it. So of course I began to cry. Why after all this hard work, would something like this happen to me??? I was heartbroken. So I asked him what my options were, and I am currently on a steroid pack to see if that will help with swelling. If that does not do the trick, I will need to begin physical therapy 3-5 days a week, because an Achilles injury is not something to play around with.
So that leads me to today. I was in pain all day, and just ready to be home from work, which I finally am. I am not going to spend much time on here, because it is Saturday night and I want to spend it with Hayden and Alayna. But, I wanted to update you all, and I will go into a little more detail tomorrow!
Have a wonderful Saturday everyone!!!
So that leads me to today. I was in pain all day, and just ready to be home from work, which I finally am. I am not going to spend much time on here, because it is Saturday night and I want to spend it with Hayden and Alayna. But, I wanted to update you all, and I will go into a little more detail tomorrow!
Have a wonderful Saturday everyone!!!
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Day 45
Good Morning Everyone! I am definitely going to be keeping today short. I am running a little late today and I have to get to work soon. I can't even put into words how exhausted I am today! All of this work is starting to catch up with me and I can't keep up!! Hopefully things start getting better once a more permanent schedule is made.
I will be trying to go to the gym tonight. I am working until 8:30 tonight and will spend some time with family and after that is gym and bed. How do people do this??? How do people work all these hours in one week and still function like a normal human being??? I can't seem to get my act together just yet. I am trying really hard, but it is proving a little more difficult than I anticipated.
On a good note, Alayna is learning so much! The woman we hired has already taught her so much!!!! She also does the dishes and makes sure the house is clean when I get home?? Something for Alayna and me! So there is nothing wrong on that end. She is doing so well!
I told you guys I was keeping it short, so I am! Have to go get ready for work! Have a wonderful Saturday everyone!!
I will be trying to go to the gym tonight. I am working until 8:30 tonight and will spend some time with family and after that is gym and bed. How do people do this??? How do people work all these hours in one week and still function like a normal human being??? I can't seem to get my act together just yet. I am trying really hard, but it is proving a little more difficult than I anticipated.
On a good note, Alayna is learning so much! The woman we hired has already taught her so much!!!! She also does the dishes and makes sure the house is clean when I get home?? Something for Alayna and me! So there is nothing wrong on that end. She is doing so well!
I told you guys I was keeping it short, so I am! Have to go get ready for work! Have a wonderful Saturday everyone!!
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Day 42
So I finally got my work schedule....and let me tell you...this next two weeks they were not kidding about filling me full of as much information as possible! I have two weeks to learn everything I possibly can! And it is amazing how much information there is! Just the daily routines alone are something to be baffled by! I know that I will get to the point that I need to be at, but it is a daunting task right now. I am beginning to get stressed, and I haven't even fully been into my position yet.
I have to get used to these early mornings and early bed times. Before I had my job I was going to bed way too late and sleeping in a little later. But it is amazing that even if I am not going to the gym (for now), a good nights sleep can do wonders for you! SO that is my preachy point for the day. No matter if you eat healthy, go to the gym, stay active during the day, if you DON'T go to bed early and get a good nights sleep, you are NOT going to get as good of results! So I think this may actually be a blessing in disguise! Once I finally get into a routine of things and I am able to figure out this schedule comfortably, I think I will be A-okay!!
I would love to hear how all of you balance a diet, work life, and workout life into your daily routine! I am simply getting overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do both at work and home that I just am too scared to take time away from that. I only really get to see Alayna for an hour or so at the end of the day, and with working weekends too, I don't see her or Hayden then either. It's quite the sacrifice working moms make and on top of that add a working mom who wants to work out? I know it is possible, I have seen other moms do it! I just need to find what works for me, and I WILL figure that out soon!
SO while I figure this whole thing out, I can not be more appreciative of all of you to support me through this. All of you loyal readers....you mean the world to me and I honestly think I would have given up by now, if it weren't for you! So thank you everyone....for pushing me and motivating me!!
Have an amazing Wednesday everyone!
I have to get used to these early mornings and early bed times. Before I had my job I was going to bed way too late and sleeping in a little later. But it is amazing that even if I am not going to the gym (for now), a good nights sleep can do wonders for you! SO that is my preachy point for the day. No matter if you eat healthy, go to the gym, stay active during the day, if you DON'T go to bed early and get a good nights sleep, you are NOT going to get as good of results! So I think this may actually be a blessing in disguise! Once I finally get into a routine of things and I am able to figure out this schedule comfortably, I think I will be A-okay!!
I would love to hear how all of you balance a diet, work life, and workout life into your daily routine! I am simply getting overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do both at work and home that I just am too scared to take time away from that. I only really get to see Alayna for an hour or so at the end of the day, and with working weekends too, I don't see her or Hayden then either. It's quite the sacrifice working moms make and on top of that add a working mom who wants to work out? I know it is possible, I have seen other moms do it! I just need to find what works for me, and I WILL figure that out soon!
SO while I figure this whole thing out, I can not be more appreciative of all of you to support me through this. All of you loyal readers....you mean the world to me and I honestly think I would have given up by now, if it weren't for you! So thank you everyone....for pushing me and motivating me!!
Have an amazing Wednesday everyone!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Day 34
Good Morning :)
I took a rest day yesterday after getting a little too rosy at the park with Alayna. So today I plan to kick some serious butt at the gym!!
I'm going to be honest, ever since I started this journey, I have started to realize things about myself that I didn't even know were possible. Things I want to do with my life once I am able to, and things that I NEVER thought I would have the urge to do. For example, I want to do a half-marathon which will hopefully lead to a full-marathon at some point. I know that is a far way away, but I can definitely see it in the future.
Another thing I really want to do (along with a lot of other things, but this is the most extreme)......go skydiving. I don't know why I have the urge to, but I do! Something about falling into a new life, or leaving the old life behind seems so symbolic! I never would have thought that I would want to jump from a perfectly good plane, but I see it more and more in my future.
I want to experience life to it's fullest now. I want to make sure I get the most out of this and experience everything I can. That is what our lives are all about. Getting the most out of it. Now I'm not saying yolo, yoyo, or whatever it is....I'm saying that we have the capabilities and motivation to do whatever we want!! And I am now able to see beyond the couch and chair. Beyond the plate of pizza and cake....I can see other things that are potential life changers, and all in good ways!
So I challenge you all to set a goal. Set a goal that seems impossible...give yourself a year (it will pass quicker than you think!!), and make that goal into another checked item on your bucket list!! I would love to hear what goals you are going to set!!! Have a good Tuesday!
I took a rest day yesterday after getting a little too rosy at the park with Alayna. So today I plan to kick some serious butt at the gym!!
I'm going to be honest, ever since I started this journey, I have started to realize things about myself that I didn't even know were possible. Things I want to do with my life once I am able to, and things that I NEVER thought I would have the urge to do. For example, I want to do a half-marathon which will hopefully lead to a full-marathon at some point. I know that is a far way away, but I can definitely see it in the future.
Another thing I really want to do (along with a lot of other things, but this is the most extreme)......go skydiving. I don't know why I have the urge to, but I do! Something about falling into a new life, or leaving the old life behind seems so symbolic! I never would have thought that I would want to jump from a perfectly good plane, but I see it more and more in my future.
I want to experience life to it's fullest now. I want to make sure I get the most out of this and experience everything I can. That is what our lives are all about. Getting the most out of it. Now I'm not saying yolo, yoyo, or whatever it is....I'm saying that we have the capabilities and motivation to do whatever we want!! And I am now able to see beyond the couch and chair. Beyond the plate of pizza and cake....I can see other things that are potential life changers, and all in good ways!
So I challenge you all to set a goal. Set a goal that seems impossible...give yourself a year (it will pass quicker than you think!!), and make that goal into another checked item on your bucket list!! I would love to hear what goals you are going to set!!! Have a good Tuesday!
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