Post Vacation

So I know it's been about a week but I wanted to update everyone on how my trip was. I did pretty well all things considered. We had to eat out for every meal, which was hard, but I managed. I ate under my points each day, and tried to make smart choices. I think with the hand of cards I was dealt, I did okay. 

So aside from all of that, we are completely moved out of the house and into our storage unit. It was stressful, but my in laws helped more than I could have possibly imagined. I'm so thankful to them and my sister in law. So shout out to you guys for being amazing and helping us move out of our house. So we are on to the next big adventure, wherever that may lead us. I'm so nervous about what comes next but it's not really in my hands at the moment. 

Hayden has just about finished his resume, so hopefully he can get that out to jobs as soon as possible so we can actually start looking for a house in our price range. I'm just so nervous about the whole thing. The whole unknown part of it is scary. I don't have any idea where I'm going to be in 6 months, and that scares me. 

Hopefully everything will fall into place. I know it will. It has to. So here's to things working out. If you have any experience with VA loans, message me. I have no idea how to even go about buying a house and the process of getting a loan, so any advice and help would be appreciated. Until tomorrow. 

Good News

So some good news to start my day off with, Hayden will be home in August...for good!!!! I can't believe this last year of my life without him is almost over. When I made the decision to move up here, it was with a lot of emotions involved. Leaving Hayden was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But I knew for my health, my mental health, it was what needed to be done. He has always been so supportive of my decision, and I couldn't ask for a better partner. 

When I asked him if I could move to Pittsburgh, it was one of the scariest things I could have done. What would he say? Would we make it through a year apart? Would Alayna be okay? Would he be okay being alone? There were so many questions and very little answers. So many unknowns but I knew I had to do it and he did too. I'm so lucky to have a man who could do such a thing. Not many would have done that. 

So that's my news. He'll be here in August and hopefully he will have a job and we can start to really save for a house. He, again, is so supportive of me. When I told him I wanted to do weight watchers, he enthusiastically told me "go for it! You'll be great!" He has always wanted what's best for me and I couldn't be more thankful for the man he is. I can't wait to have him up here, my family will finally be back together. And I can't tell you how excited Alayna is. She's going to have her best friend, her daddy back. She loves him more than words, and it will be so nice to be whole again. This has been one of the most trying years, but we have grown from it and are stronger than ever. 

Hayden, if you read this, know that I love you more than I can say. I'm so proud of all you have accomplished this year (he got his associates you guys!!!) and gong for your bachelors is no small task. I'm so happy that we have grown closer through this and that soon it will all be over. I can't wait to see what our future holds. 

Scaredy Cat

People would most likely describe me as a scaredy cat. Because I'm scared of scary movies, (embarrassingly enough) I sleep with a night light, and I don't like being outside at night. So I'm your typical scaredy cat. But there are other things I'm scared of too. Things most other people think nothing of. I'm scared about buying a house, I'm scared to move out of my house, I'm scared I'm going to be living with my parents forever. There are so many uncertainties in my life, that I don't know what my next move should be. 

So much of my life is left to chance because I have little control over what happens to me. How am I supposed to buy a house when I don't even know what Hayden will be making at a new job to figure out what kind of house we can afford. I don't even know where we are going to move our stuff after he leaves Augusta. There is so much in my life that I don't know what is going to happen. So I'm going to approach it like I approach my weight loss journey, with a plan, and sticking to the plan. 

Last night my sister and I talked and I set three short term goals for myself. If I can make those three things happen with in the next 6-12 months, I can conquer my fears and get into a house. I know that it's possible, but there is just this feeling in the back of my head that makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to explain it. Anyone else know what I'm trying to say? I guess I just have to try and achieve these three goals and move on to the next ones. I can't let my stress and fear take over too much of my weight loss journey will be impacted. And I CAN'T lose this battle this time. I have GOT to live a healthier life for Hayden and Alayna. And for myself!! I need to be happier with who I am, and I'm just not right now. So here's to the next 6-12 months and getting my three items to do, down to none, or new items!! Wish me luck!!

Moving

Alright everyone, today is not going to be so much about fitness and food as it is about my life. I just need to vent and this seems like the best place to do it. We are moving out of our house of 4 years this month, and it's becoming overwhelming. There is so much to do, and what feels like no time to do it. We have to pack, clean, get the carpets deep cleaned, possibly paint, and move all of our house into storage. All in the next two weeks. How we are going to get this done, is beyond me. I have no idea how Hayden and I are going to manage this. I feel like every time I think about it, my stress increases and my desire to do anything about it, decreases. Luckily his dad is coming down next weekend to help us, Alayna and I are going down on Friday and staying for a week to help, and some of his friends have offered their assistance as well. So hopefully among the group of us, we can move us out of our house. 

We have lived in this house of 4 years now, and it has become our home. I hate moving, it's the worst. But I know that if we move out of this home, we are one step closer to our forever home. Which is a comforting thought. I have moved (including this one) 4 times in the past 7 years. That's ridiculous. Now last time, the army packed up all our stuff and moved it for us, which was AWESOME!! This time we are on our own and I HATE that. I am awful at packing. So this is not going to be pleasant. And since the army is not packing us up and moving us, we have to move into a storage unit down in Georgia, rather than in Pittsburgh. So that kinda sucks. 

I've been looking at houses in Gibsonia for us, and have found a few that I really like. I'm just so nervous to settle into something for the rest of our lives. While I am tired of moving, it is nice to be into something new every few years, so it will be hard to break that pattern when we finally do settle down. And buying a house is a big deal!!! I just don't feel like I'm a grown up enough to be buying a house. But I guess I am. Bring on the mortgage!! 

I guess that's enough venting for now. I did find a meeting to go to in Georgia, so I will be on top of that. I at least want to weigh in and see if this is working!! So I'm going to go on Monday in Augusta. So don't worry kids, I'm not falling off the horse while I'm down there. It will be harder, because we will be eating out more. Since all our kitchen ware is packed. But I will make it work. I have to. This time has to be different!!!

Day After

Alright, so yesterday was a disaster. I ate like crap, dipped into my weekly points that I'm allowed, and didn't really work out. I felt guilty afterwards. Like it weighed on my through the night that I ate so bad and didn't work out. But I woke up this morning, ate a healthy breakfast, just ate a healthy lunch, and am moving past it. I'm trying my best not to feel so guilty about eating bad food. If I have the points to do it, why should I feel bad about it? So I'm deciding not to be upset about it. 

We went to the three rivers arts festival, and that's where the bad eating took place. I won't dare repeat what I ate, but it was not good. I could have made better choices, but I guess I just haven't built up my willpower yet. Which will come in time. I can't beat myself up too bad. The rest of the day was good. I made smart choices and made up for the bad ones. 

I decided to kind of "meal prep" yesterday. I only made chicken, but it's a start. I cooked it up in a pan with some seasoning, and now I have it for the rest of the week for on my salads. No more plain old boring salad for me!!! And it was good too!! Kinda spicy from the pepper, which I like. Now I just need to branch out and eat more than just chicken. I was thinking maybe ground turkey would be good too. Any recipe ideas for this picky eater would be nice!! I like chicken, ground turkey, some steak, and NO SEAFOOD!!! Sorry guys. As good as I know it is for me, I just can't eat it. It makes me sick!!

I'll have to look up some more meal prepping recipes for the week so I can get out of this salad routine. It's getting old fast. Not that I don't like it, but salad every day, come on. There are better things to eat than salad!! I have the protein and I have the vegetable, now I just need a healthy grain. I'll work on it. Weight watchers has some great recipes that I would like to try. So I guess I'll start there!! Here's to better food for next week!!

First Meeting

Alright, first meeting is done and in the books. I was so nervous I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. What would the number be? Would I be able to continue if it was so high I wanted to give up? What if I'm the biggest person there and they stare? Boy was I overthinking it. I went in, weighed in, in a private booth, got my sticker with my weight on it and took a deep breath. I opened the book to where she put the sticker, and I breathed the biggest sigh of relief I could muster. I hadn't put on 1,000 pounds like I thought. Only 12. So, I'm in a much better position than I thought I was. 

The rest of the meeting went well. We talked about successes and struggles, and it was comforting to know I wasn't alone. I mean I know I went with someone one, but I wasn't the only person in the world feeling this way. So it's safe to say I worked it up a ton in my head, like I do with literally every new thing that happens to me. 

Last night my parents wanted to order from Pizza Roma, which is like my favorite pizza place. So I thought, I have the points for pizza, do it Bethany! But then an even louder voice said Bethany, no!!! You can eat a chicken salad and be just as happy! So I got a buffalo chicken salad, minus the French fries (thanks Pittsburgh for you weird eats) and it was delicious. I didn't feel like I was lacking any taste or hungry for something after. I think I handled myself pretty well. 

On another note, I worked up the courage to go walk the track today, in public, in others view!! I am doing the C25K program and this is only my first day but I think it went well. I wasn't fast, but I did okay. I did a better mile than I paced in my 5k I did a few weeks ago, so I guess that's good. As I was running I was thinking, "am I ever going to enjoy this??". I just don't see how it will ever be something that I WANT to do. I hate it and it doesn't feel good. But I guess it's just something else I have to get my body used to. Anyone have any notes on how to get to like running? Did you start running and hate it? Any tips would be helpful. 

Well I'm off to enjoy my nephews soccer game. Alayna had her last soccer game today, thank goodness, it was excruciating to watch her play. But she's on to bigger things! 

Nerves

Okay, so lots to talk about today. First thing, how about there was a birthday party at school and there was cake and pizza. And guess who had none!!! I mean I put it into my points calculator, realized it was too many, and then said no, but I still said no!!! There were 3 different kinds of cake here yesterday!!!! Talk about temptation!! But I held off and ate my salad and pudding and was okay. Now I did have two small pieces of pizza for dinner, but I had the points to eat it, so I did. I don't know how good at this I'm going to be, but I'm trying. 

Stress has been playing a huge part in my day to day activities because I just have so much going on in my life right now. I have my move out of our house coming up, I have to find a new house, I'm trying to start up my photography business and getting all the right licenses and permits and insurance is a pain, I have to worry about where Alayna is going to be next year, it's just a lot on my plate. And it's like I don't know where to start with anything because I'm so stressed out about everything else. I really need to just let go and let God, but I'm not so good at that. I'm also stressing and nervous about my weigh in tomorrow. It will be my first time weighing myself in over 1 year. And I KNOW I've gained. I'm terrified. I know it's going to be a big number but no matter what it is, I'm not going to be happy about it. But at the same time, it's just a number. Why should I let one little number rule my mind and make me so miserable. And it's not like it's going to stay that number forever. Hell it's going to change next week (hopefully). So I just need to not focus on that number, no matter how daunting it is, and focus on my goal. 

I decided I should come up with a rewards system. Anyone have any ideas about what I should put on there? I figured every 10 pounds should be celebrated. And I have like 1,000,000 of those to go, so I have a lot to celebrate down the road. So any input on what you have rewarded yourself with would be helpful. I was thinking like, massages, new phone cases, photography equipment, (sorry mom) tattoo, and I'm sure there's more out there but I just haven't thought of them yet. 

Alright, that's all from me today! I hope you all have a great Friday! I'll be working until 6:30 and then off to a friends house for s'mores. Wish me luck!!

Day 2

Okay everyone, day two is halfway through and I am still okay. I decided to kind of cheat a little and join Weight Watchers. I have a friend who has had great success with it and I figured...what the hell. I will go to meetings every week and keep track of my progress. So I guess that will hold me accountable in some sort of way. I do feel weird about not counting calories, since I have always done that, but I guess this is just a different way of counting. Last night I had a hard time eating anywhere close to my points, which I have a lot, so I don't know how I'll do with that. But I guess I'd rather be below my points than over them!! 

I also worked out last night. I was as surprised as you are! And I didn't die afterwards, so it must have gone well. Now it wasn't anything intense, but I did break a sweat. Which there is something to be said for that. I'm having the same guilt issues I had before. I know I have to work out, but I feel guilty not spending time with Alayna. But I just have to keep telling myself that this is for her. Once I get to a better me, she will understand why I had to do it. And sometimes she likes to come down with me, so we do spend some time together. I guess it's just all about balance. 

I wish I could tell you I had a delicious protein for dinner and veggies, but we ate out last night. It was just Panera, so I had some healthy options. I got a salad with extra tomatoes (because they are my favorite) and extra dressing. I was living on the edge. But it was still yummy. And for lunch today I had...you guessed it...salad. But the good thing is I kinda like salad, contrary to yesterday's rant about it. It's not the worst thing to eat so I make some sacrifices and eat it. I will eventually branch out and eat more interesting (and protein packed) food. But for now, salad will work. 

I weigh in on Saturday and I'm hella nervous. I haven't been on a scale in months, and I'm straight terrified to get on one now. I lost all that weight a couple years ago and I know I've gained it all back and then some. So I just know I'm not in a good place right now. But I also know that I have to start somewhere. So I guess here it goes. 

I know I jumped around a lot on topics today, but it's my blog and I can do what I want!! Just kidding, kind of. But I promise this time is different. I'm in this for the long haul. I will see changes in myself this time. I will appreciate the little successes and the big successes. Every accomplishment is a good one. So here goes. The countdown to my 2 week mark (when something becomes a habit) starts now. If I can just get over this two week hump, I will be in it to win it. (that was cliche) So let's do this!! Who's with me?

Broken Promises

Alright folks...I'm back. Not by popular demand or anything, but I'm back. I know my last post was about keeping up with my blog. And I obviously didn't do that. I obviously have commitment issues in that department, but that's for another post. 

Through the past couple of years I have been through a lot. Different diagnoses that had changed my life and the way I look at things, and different life events to shape me into who I am today. Which is not necessarily the person I want to be. So I'm back at it writing, and following calorie intakes, and worst of all....exercising...my biggest downfall. But I'm not happy with the me I am right now, so some changes have to come down the pipeline, and I have to abide by them. To live a fuller and healthier life. And all that other cliche stuff. 

So to start this journey off right, I had to pack a lunch today that was going to be healthy and a good decision on my part. So I went with salad. Boring, tasteless, low calorie salad. I'm sooo original I know. But it's what I had in the fridge so give me a break. It's not like I had time to whip something special up. I also decided to start my day off right with a protein meal replacement shake. Chocolate of course (like there is any other flavor). I feel like these are easy and safe choices for me. I did the whole, protein shake for one meal a day before, so I figured it would be easy to do again. Let me just say, by lunchtime, I was ready to eat!!! And boy did that salad look....boring. But I poured my fat free, taste free, love free dressing on it. And ventured through. I never said I was good at this. Just said I NEEDED to do this. So it's just on dinner now to be healthy. And to do something active today to get my calorie burn a little higher. I can do that...pshhh I was born to do that. (insert eye roll here) 

It's not like this is really that hard. A ton of people do this every day, why should my journey be any different? I know that in my head, I want pizza and pop and mozzarella sticks. But I just need to find healthy alternatives that make me just as happy as those things. For so many years now I have used food as a crutch. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm mad, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. You see where I'm going with this. I just eat to fill my voids. When eating should be to give my body nutrition. I always say that my top three hobbies are sleeping, binging, and eating. That needs to change. And this is the first step in the right direction I guess. Even if it's going to be a little difficult, and I may stumble at times, the end result will be worth it. Not that there is an "end result", this is a lifestyle change that will never end, getting to a happier healthier me is what my goal is. And I hope you all stick around for the journey. 

Keeping Up

So I promised that I would keep up with my blog, and I will not let you down. I will not be writing every day. I would not set myself up for that kind of failure anymore. It was ridiculous to think that I could continue that. However I will write whenever I can. I am doing a great job of keeping up with my lifestyle change! The yoga however has been a little bit more difficult to keep up with. I am trying my best to at least work out though. I have been going for walks, I have been going to work and making sure to walk around and keep busy as often as possible, walking the steps at home up and down, anything I can possibly do. I know some of those things sound silly, but they keep me active!

This change in my life has been eye opening, it has been really difficult not to weigh in every week, but as someone who has made a huge impact on my life once said, it's not the pounds that matter, but how you feel, and the inches that matter. Health is always more important, and something that should be noted is that my liver has been getting healthier and healthier. The test they did last time showed that my fatty liver disease had severely decreased which is just fantastic!!! Apparently this diet and exercise thing really do work!

I have been scolded though through this process that I have not been eating enough. I went to see a nutritionist and dietitian and they told me that what I was doing was all wrong. So I decided to switch it up, and make sure that I was doing what was right for my body and I have seen a huge difference! I am so lucky to have such a support system in this journey though. I hope I haven't lost all of my readers, since this isn't going to facebook any longer. That was my biggest market for this blog, so hopefully this will reach other people!

I am leaving you all to that, and I promise that I will make an effort to write sooner. If there is anything more you would like to read, feel free to leave a comment and let me know! I am an open book!

I Get It Now

Okay, so I get it now. Getting back on the horse is something that people are going to have to do for the entirety of their lives. However this time, I saw numbers that I know are very serious in my blood work, and I want to be around for my child for years to come so, here I am, making the best out of my life. I know that I have told you all that I am back on for good, but I am not going to say that this time. I am sure I will fall, and I am sure that this is not the only time that I will trip and stagger, but I want to do my best. So here goes.

I started about a month ago at the heaviest I have ever been. I am actually 13 pounds down from that, as of last week at the doctors. I have also decided after speaking to a very close friend that I will not be weighing in each week, because I become obsessive over the number and not how I look, because sometimes how I look IS more important. So I will only be weighing in at doctor's appointments. I will not weigh in at home any longer, because that will only cause anxiety and stress, and trust me, I need no extra of that!

I have been very focused on doing Yoga and putting into my body, better things. No longer putting in processed foods, only shopping on the outsides of the grocery store, not on the inside aisles. Keeping the focused mind is keeping the body focused on a healthier body as well. I have never felt better in my life because of this. I am trying my best to make sure that I am making very conscience decisions when it comes to my life. I no longer have time in my life to make poor ones.

This is my second chance and this is where I stand up and take it. Like I said, I may stumble and fall, but I know that change needs to happen this time, so I can't wait to take this journey this time!

So About Last Night

So yesterday's post, a little dreary, I get it. I truly hope that my out look on things will change. I have been thinking a lot about home and what my life is like these days. With school, work, parenting, doctors appointments, and the array of other things going on....it's a wonder I get frustrated sometimes. I get down and upset being alone. Hayden and I have done this for years, so I am used to it, but he is on night shift, so we just kind of tap out in the morning and at night, and I never get to see Alayna, so that's on my "things that bring me down" list as well. 

It's almost like I'm at a time in my life where I don't know how to be happy anymore. A good friend said, you can't make yourself feel happy, it's a feeling that comes from within, a state of mind. Not something you can force your body into doing. However that state of mind isn't present, and hasn't been for a long time. Every once in a while, I will have a happy moment that sparks and it's like it lit the match and it just got too hot and I couldn't keep it lit. What I need is either a longer match or a lighter, that will burn for days to keep me happy. There is so much going on in this world, and to compare myself to others unhappiness would be unlawful. Yet, somehow I still feel sorry for myself in an extremely selfish way when it comes to my happiness.

Hayden and I had a talk a few months ago about me moving up to Pittsburgh with Alayna, and I just couldn't commit to being that selfish. I know it would make me happier to be with family and friends and in an environment that is steady and I can thrive in, but being without Hayden and Hayden being without Alayna, I couldn't do that. I couldn't take her from him, they are two peas in a pod. So I have to take the high road and finish out the time we have left here. 

I am not going to continue writing today, because it's going to turn into a "boo-hoo" me post. And I certainly don't want another one of those. But I think I am going to take a few days off from writing on here. Just need to take some time to get in touch with some people and maybe put me in a different mindset. Because this mindset is just too much to deal with at this time. So I will be back in a few days. Think happy, be happy, and indulge in happy as much as possible. That's what I'll be looking for these next few days. 

Alright, I Get It

I know, I'm not the best at posting. But I have lots of updates for you. One, I went to the doctor and it looks like we may have a little bit of a close on the gap of what could possibly be wrong, downside is I have to have blood taken every two weeks for the next (however long he tells me) until we can get a positive diagnosis. Two, I lost a significant amount of weight since my last visit, which I great! I told the doctor about my problems with eating and how I don't feel like eating, and he said it was indeed the medication and that I had to just wait it out and keep eating as much protein as I can. So I am feeling really good about that. 

I also had a couple other things that I wanted to talk about, since it has been so long since our last talk. One, my website is still in the process of being finished, but it is indeed up and running and I just updated the blog on that site to tell about my new work, so head over to bekephotography.com to see what's going on over there!

Lastly, I wanted to talk about a saying we have, and it may just be in the Girl Scout culture, but I'm pretty sure everyone has heard it. Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. Now, in my opinion, that's a crappy statement. We have grown up in a society where gold is definitely better than silver, however I find my old friends to by gold no matter how many new friends I find. But in that saying, make new friends, but keep the old.....why is it so hard for us to keep the old? I had a discussion with a friend the other day and said, "I thought long and deep about my life today. I thought about the people who have entered and exited. Both on purpose and just lost connection with. And I realize that when I think about how upsettingly lonely I am each and every day, with Hayden and Alayna as the only people in my life, and most times not even them. I'm miserable. I put on a smile every day like I'm doing okay or that I'm fine with having no one, and that I don't need anyone to fill that void. But I'm not. I'm lonely and it terrifies me. I attribute so much of my depression (yes, I have depression) to this. It is truly debilitating to feel alone. Like you have no one in this world to curl up with. The person you thought you had, isn't really there. I don't wake up happy anymore, however I wake up feeling burdened." I know I know, it was a lengthy text, but it was how I felt. I know I have friends here, and I am so blessed to have the ones I do have. But the ones that have left, faded, or just vanished....it makes me push away. 

There are people in my life that I have never wanted to push away, and for some reason am now finding reasons as an adult to push. I don't want negativity in my life. There are two people (and I hope they read this and know who they are), that opened my eyes to the fact that I only came to them when I had a problem. And I wasn't doing it on purpose, by no means, but it was in fact true. And it changed how I worked my friendships. I think it tainted those friendships for sure, but I know in the background, they are still there. I made a realization yesterday, that I am that person to plenty of people. They come to me, get my advice on their problem, and I don't talk to them again. That's not friendship. That's counseling, and I should start charging by the hour or text. 

I guess what this post is really about is that I miss some of my old friends that said, "Friends forever right?". Where are you now? Where are those friends. I hope you read this, because this is me reaching out. I would love to have you back in my life, because at the end of the day, I will make new friends, but ALWAYS keep the old. Mine are no silver, but only Gold.

Two Days In A Row

I'm not letting you down today, I'm keeping my word and going to try and keep on keepin on daily. So I'm going to give everyone a little run down on what I like to call "Spring Sucks".....everyone else gets excited as the spring flowers start to bloom, the weather gets warmer, and the birds start chirping. For people with allergies it's like living in our own personal hell. If we go outside, there is a small chance that we could die. And for all my friends up North who are like, "Bethany, they are way worse up here!". I say nay. The pollen down here literally is covering everything with at least a half inch of it's gross debris. I leave my car under a tree and am scared to touch the handle when I get in. It's like if I touch this, and then touch my nose or eyes, I will have made the largest mistake of my life, and I've made some big mistakes. 

Some of you may ask, "Why are you talking about allergies Bethany?". Well some of you, they have prevented me from any physical activity in the last few days to a week. I have been hit harder this year even with medicine, than I have any other year. On my lunch breaks at work, I stay inside as to not have to touch any pollen. My windows and doors must stay shut because if they don't I go into nasal and throat scratching frenzy. I literally felt like I was dying this past week. I hit a 104 temperature, which I have never done when my allergies get bad, but this year was bad. 

So now that I am finally in recovery mode, seeing as it has rained, I am feeling much better, and at a point where I can actually breathe at night. I still fear the sun and all the pollen, but luckily my body is recovering. I'm not going to write much but I am going to leave you with, keep going. I know I stopped because of allergies, because I listened to my body. Listen to your body. But always push. No matter what. 

                                  

I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry!!!

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter and celebrated the real reason to eat all those chocolate bunniesa and peanut butter cup eggs...Jesus died, and was raised for us to live the lives we live now. Not a day goes by that I am thankful for that. 

So now that Lent is over, my husband's first few thoughts were, "Yes, we can eat meat on Friday's and I don't mess up as much. Can Alayna stay home with me on Sunday's or does she still need to go to church with you? (and the most ridiculous one) Are you done with doing something for other people?". I sat and thought about the questions...yes, we can eat meat all day every day now you carnivourous doofus. Yes, she is still going to church with me. And the last one stumped me...I wasn't sure if he was serious or if he was joking. 

I went to my meditation room (which I have one of those now) and I decided to think about what he had asked. He didn't ask it in a malicious way, so no mean responses to him, but he was just curious. So I decided to think about it. I meditated to some very clear meditation music and it hit me...when I helped people, or did something good to get off my back, I felt better. After this revelation I ran down stairs and told him.

I didn't want to stop doing good or letting go of old "grudges" if that's what you want to call them. I know that they teach the lesson that you crunch the paper, and smooth it out, and it is never the same. But in my eyes I will see the paper as smooth again. I am forgiving and letting go of those damaged pieces of me. They are holding me back, and it's not healthy for me. 

On another note, I had written in my last entry for you all to let me know if you wanted this to just be about food, diet, and how I am doing.....more crickets than ever. So I am going to continue to do what I have been doing, and that is incorporating both. I want to share with you what is going on in my life, and I want to be able to share with you how my daily struggles or successes are going as well. So I am going to leave the name what it is, but continue to do the same thing. 

As my grandfather would put so sweetly, I guess Easter is shot in the ass, so on to the next big adventure. Alayna's birthday card invitations should be coming out soon. That's the next big adventure we are taking, and I am trying to save as much money on it as possible! I hope that it is a big event for her, and I find it so hard that she is turning 5 years old, so it's one she may remember. I have everything all planned out, and hopefully it will be a smash. 

If you are reading this today, I apologize for the long delay, and I hope you are still going to read. The three of you out there that still read! Have a great day everyone, and remember, just because Lent is over, you can keep doing good things...it's good for the soul!

Sunday, No Funday

Working today.....I guess that has become the story of my life. Yesterday was one of the more difficult days I have had lately. Working on re-working my ten year plan, because I am working on different goals. I don't want to hold myself back, which I sometimes think I do by taking so much on at one time. I don't know why I do it, I guess it's to keep my mind busy, or to keep my mind off of other things, who knows. 

I have been working on getting my vegetable intake up with different kinds of smoothies, so on the health end, food wise, things are going well. Working out is going okay, not an every day thing, but it is a more consistent thing than it used to be. Especially with Alayna being more active each day, I have to keep up with her some how. I figured it was about time that I get back into a routine and working on making my body a better place. And also to making my blog back what it was supposed to be originally. 

I feel like sometimes I share too much of my personal life on here, and that maybe I should either create a new, secret blog, or I should just stop sharing so much on here. But one more plug before I go, because I am keeping this Sunday blog short. I have officially purchased my own website and will be having a show soon. The website is bekephotography.com and it is no where NEAR completion, but it will soon be everything I dreamt it would be and more. I would love to hear any feedback, and also would love any opinions on the personal issues...new blog or leave them off?

Have a great Sunday everyone. I will be troubleshooting phones and telling people that yes, they can't upgrade because they owe $1,000 in past due payments....I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.......

TGIF, Oh Wait....I Work Tomorrow

I still am fired up about this Friday thing...but I won't drag on about that today. Something I really want to talk about is something that has been on my mind for quite some time. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am openly obsessed with older music, anything ranging from the Beatles to The Who, to Bob Dylan, and Creedence Clearwater. They have much more to say in their music. It's not all useless nonsense. So I did decide to listen to some music on Pandora that was "Today's Hits Radio", and was just repulsed by what I heard. Are "artists" really allowed to speak like that on the radio? 

I would call myself a free-thinking, still fighting for rights, feminist thinker. I believe in things that others really oppose me on. I find it hard living in the south, because people definitely don't have as open of a view as I do. I think going to Art School opened my mind up to a new way of thinking about things. So when I do listen to songs that call women, "Bitches, Ho's, and other such vulgar names" I don't get it. There is a certain part of my that is hypocritical here because I know as a teenager that I listened to this same kind of music, but now as I have begun to age, and raise my own daughter, I want her to know that it is not okay to be called those things. Men are not permitted to say such things to women, and it be okay. I don't think I have ever been so offended by what I was hearing on the radio. 

So I immediately changed my station to the Bob Dylan station, where artists like Elton John, Paul McCartney, The Beatles, and Bill Withers plays. Call me old school, but I just prefer to listen to music that was written with a meaning behind it. 

I know, everyone's thinking, "Bethany, what the heck does this have to do with it being "not Friday, or even fitness". And give me time to explain. So I used to listen to these stations to work out to, because they are up beat and have a faster pace for me to work out to. And I realized that I would get so frustrated from what I was listening to, that my workout wasn't even working well for me, because I was so focused on this "garbage" being fed into my brain. So after some internet research and some soul searching, I am now moving to classical music or meditation music while working out. No more words. Just sounds to move me. I hope this makes sense, and I hope you consider the same. Music today, sounds like noise to me, and it's not the noise I want to listen to. 

So next time you go to put on today's hits, look into something new. If I hadn't listened to something new, I wouldn't have found out how happy I was with older music, that had lyrics that meant something.

Have a good day, and switch your stations today!

Coffee Kind Of Morning

So today was definitely a coffee kind of morning. I try my best not to have any but I just couldn't get up and running. I have been having just the worst kind of nightmares and they wake me up out of a dead sleep. So I just didn't sleep well and had to be up nice and early. And when you are half asleep, you tend to get startled pretty easy (hopefully this isn't just me), and I was minding my own business getting my shower before I got Alayna up and dressed for school. As I am washing conditioner out of my very tired and now stinging eyes, I hear a light sound of the shower curtain moving and a small voice say "Hi Mommy"...I screamed, for obvious reasons, and then had to calm her down because I had obviously scared her just as much as she had scared me. So that's how MY morning has started. 

So after I get her dressed, I go to get my uniform, and I figure, I'll wear a shirt I haven't tried wearing in a long time, because I know it doesn't fit, but heck, why not make the morning worse than it already has been. So I put a red long sleeve shirt on under my soon to not fit polo, and then I put the polo on, and I look in the mirror, and rub my eyes, maybe there was still conditioner in them, because the shirt fit the person I was looking at in the mirror. Could it be? I haven't been doing much. A little (devil machine) biking, and rowing. Walking and on my feet all day at work has to help too. And I have been eating as much protein as I can. So I guess something is working. 

Hayden has been working night shift, so he is usally going to sleep when I get home from work, or leaving as soon as I get home. So it has given me a lot of time to work on things, and I decided it was finally time to buy a .com. It's insane how much some punctuation and 3 letters cost. That is neither here nor there. The point being, I think it brought back some of that Bethany I have been looking for. Now it is under construction, and by no means done. I have a lot of things to do to it, so I will not be revealing it just yet. I have let few family members see, and if you just have to see it, message me and I can give you the address. I know it sounds silly, but it makes me feel so creative to be formatting, and writing html (which who knew that would stick from college). It's fun and makes me feel like I'm doing what I paid, well am paying, all that money for. It all just comes so natural to me and I love it. I feel like I'm back in the digital lab in college building my first website. Although templates are really nice to have. It's wonderful not having to build ALL the html yourself. 

I hope that you have all been feeling challenged these last few days to do what you love and what makes you happy. Who knew something as little as moving some pictures around on a website would bring that back for me. What is it taking for you? You know a lot more people used to comment with answers on this blog, you should start that again. I love hearing if I am motivating at least oen person! 

To wrap up, I think the lesson here, is get your child up before putting conditioner in your eyes, both for her and your sake. Go out and find something that made or continues to make you happy. And don't lose who you are. That's so easy these days, but remember who you are and why you decided to do the things you do. It will be incredible how happy you find yourself even through the stinging conditioner eyes!

I Think I Can....No...I KNOW I Can

Too often I put myself in situations where I use the words, "I think I can do that...". And then people say that I don't have enough positivity in myself. But, I do. So I have been working on saying I know I can instead. Knowing and thinking you can are two totally different things. I think I can jump off a cliff and be okay if I am strapped to a bungee chord, however I know I can watch someone else do it safely from the top of the bridge with nothing strapped to my ankles. Odd example, but you get the point. I have always had an assumption that people are out to compare me to others, when in reality I do it by myself in my own head. No one else is doing that. 

I can distinctly remember when I was in High School and not getting the grades that my parents were hoping for, and not doing cheerleading, and I wasn't involved in the newspaper, that I assumed my parents just wanted me to be my sister. That she was the perfect daughter, and I was nothing but a let down. But they didn't feel that way. They actually told me the complete opposite, that they supported my art career and that they thought it was a good direction for me to go. I had made up the whole scenario in my head that my parents wanted me to be a person that I wasn't. Yet they had no feelings like that at all.

So as I grow older, and I got better at not comparing myself to others, because I am my own person. I began growing my own opinions, and my own thoughts about things. I became who I always wanted to be. When I was in college, I had my own mindset. People took my feedback and realized it was good feedback. I was heard, and not as what someone else wanted me to be, but as myself and as an artist. It was the first time in a long time that I felt that my opinion mattered, and that I was my own person, not someone I thought people wanted me to be. 

But now, as I come into my own as an adult out of school (well Undergrad at least), I find it more difficult. I find myself constantly being compared to other people and it makes me not want to work harder. It makes waking up in the morning painful. It makes putting on my uniform exhausting. Each day I wake up, look at the ceiling and pray that we win the lottery so that I can quit my job and stay at home every day. But that doesn't happen, and it never will. I have to get up, put on my uniform, and go to work so that I can pay the bills and feed my family. 

As I was extremely uncomfortable and even more so angry about the way certain things were being handled, I found myself, for the first time, sticking up for myself. I never have liked confrontation, but enough was enough. I stood up for myself. I put my foot down to the things that were going on and said that I don't respond well to being compared. I don't respond well to comments I don't find suitable for the work place. I work with integrity and care about making the customer happy and working with them as long as it takes to make sure they are fully set up. I don't lie, or keep things from them. I believe in full disclosure. I wish everyone in the world would take this advice and use it for not just a sales job, but in life. 

Don't be something you're not, just to get the results you think are required. Work with integrity and pride. If you don't, you won't be true to yourself, and you will continue to be compared to others. Who cares if those others do not work with the same work ethic you do, you know you are true to yourself. It has taken me a long time, a lot of lectures, and a ton of tears to figure this out. But I know who I am, and that I should not care that I am compared to others. I am proud of the person I am. I have worked hard to get to where I am in life, and I will let no person tell me otherwise. I have fallen over and over again, and I have been mocked, teased, pushed down, told I couldn't do it, de-motivated, bullied, and in the end.....I always come out on top. 

So I challenge you....be YOU. Not the person someone wants you to be.....be you. I am finally realizing, that that's the best person I could possibly be!

So Actual Monday, Feels Like Actual Monday

For once, I am actually feeling like it's a Monday morning. I'm tired, stressed, and feel like going back home and curling into a ball in bed. It's not been a good morning. Family left yesterday, so the house is extra quiet, and Alayna is extra sad that they are gone. I know I talked last week how some days don't even feel like Monday's, but this one does....very much so. Maybe it's the rain. 

Either way, the point I wanted to make today, seeing as it is still Lent, is the art of what a Sorry means. My brother-in-law made a really good point about it. He said look at the great plate in my hands, and then drop it on the floor (he's a teacher, this is a student lesson, consider yourself my student). What happens when you drop the plate? It shatters, and can't be put back together without showing some marks. It's always going to have those marks. Same with a sheet of paper....look at a plain peice of paper...now crinkle it up. Done? Straighten it out now....does it look exactly like it did before? No, it is left with scars and marks that can't be removed.

My point with both of those examples is that once something is hurt or broken, it can not be fixed. Sorry doesn't make the plate put itself back together, and make the paper flat again. Sorry's don't fix things. They may temporarily alleviate the situation, but never truly fix it. You'll always know the pain of why that sorry was needed. I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of sorry. I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that". That doesn't make it better, if anything it makes me more upset because it means you did hurt me, and I will forgive you because it's the person I am, but I won't forget it. 

I don't know why this point was important to me (well I do, but doesn't need to be public), but I think it's a lesson we could all take something from. Sorry doesn't fix things. Sorry doesn't heal wounds. Sorry is a temporary glue that will make you feel better for a second, and then could potentially fall apart again. I challenge you all to try and not do things to hurt people so that "Sorry's" are not necessary. I don't feel like writing a longer blog today, and maybe later today I will write some more, but for now, I'm signing off and starting my Monday Morning.