Keeping Up

So I promised that I would keep up with my blog, and I will not let you down. I will not be writing every day. I would not set myself up for that kind of failure anymore. It was ridiculous to think that I could continue that. However I will write whenever I can. I am doing a great job of keeping up with my lifestyle change! The yoga however has been a little bit more difficult to keep up with. I am trying my best to at least work out though. I have been going for walks, I have been going to work and making sure to walk around and keep busy as often as possible, walking the steps at home up and down, anything I can possibly do. I know some of those things sound silly, but they keep me active!

This change in my life has been eye opening, it has been really difficult not to weigh in every week, but as someone who has made a huge impact on my life once said, it's not the pounds that matter, but how you feel, and the inches that matter. Health is always more important, and something that should be noted is that my liver has been getting healthier and healthier. The test they did last time showed that my fatty liver disease had severely decreased which is just fantastic!!! Apparently this diet and exercise thing really do work!

I have been scolded though through this process that I have not been eating enough. I went to see a nutritionist and dietitian and they told me that what I was doing was all wrong. So I decided to switch it up, and make sure that I was doing what was right for my body and I have seen a huge difference! I am so lucky to have such a support system in this journey though. I hope I haven't lost all of my readers, since this isn't going to facebook any longer. That was my biggest market for this blog, so hopefully this will reach other people!

I am leaving you all to that, and I promise that I will make an effort to write sooner. If there is anything more you would like to read, feel free to leave a comment and let me know! I am an open book!

Day 160

Good Evening everyone!!! I hope you all had a great Christmas! Ours was definitely interesting! Alayna got very sick on Christmas Eve, Christmas and finished it off today. And then I got a cold/cough and her stomach bug on top of it...it's been a really fun couple days! Poor Hayden has had to take care of us for the past three days. He's been such a good nurse to us!!!

I hope you all had a very blessed day yesterday!! As sick as we were, we had a great first Christmas by ourselves! It was quiet and different, but it was great! It was nice to get time off to relax and just have a day as a family!

We had a nice healthy dinner and we were very good yesterday. I decided once I get back to better, and not feeling like my insides are going to die, I am back in the gym. I got a ton of workout clothes for Christmas, and I can't wait to wear them! And the only place to wear them, would be at the gym!!

I have decided 2014 has to be my year. I make changes constantly, and I "stick to it", and then I fail....but this year is different. I WILL make 2014 my year. I mean I have made it this far, it would be a shame to have to start all over again right? SO I will make this work. And once my work schedule settles down, it will be that much easier. I am so ready to get back to the way things were before.

So I hope you all had a great Christmas, and I hope you all are preparing for the New Year, the Kennedy family sure is!! Hopefully I will be able to write a longer post tomorrow! Goodnight everyone!!!!

Day 145

Good Morning everyone!! I woke up with a bit of a better attitude today. I am trying my best to think optimistically. I have a lot going on before Disney, and as my sister has put it so simply, I just need to make some lists and go through them! That will help organize and attack what I need to get done!!! Sometimes I find that lists help me more than anything else. Maybe that's how I should attack everything in life?? With lists!

I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday weekend. It brought on a lot of thoughts of family and holidays. I am so thankful that I was able to spend it with Hayden and Alayna and even made a couple new friends. But it truly felt like things were missing. We are so blessed that we live this life rather independently, and are lucky to do that. I love my family and I truly have the best one around, so I know that no matter how near or far we are from each other, we love each other and can feel that from any distance!!! So maybe if I just keep an attitude like that for the holidays, that will help!

Now, Christmas is literally right around the corner and I am getting ready for that as well. Last night Hayden and I talked about my gym schedule! It's been a little much with all this holiday planning, so I am trying my best to do as much at home, as well as being able to go to the gym a couple days a week. SO right now, that is the game plan! Do as much as possible so the holidays will be as awesome as possible!!

Alright, today was a bit rambly! I know it was shorter than I promised, but I only have a little bit of time left with Alayna and I want to enjoy it! I hope you all have a great day!!!

Day 139

Alright everyone.....I owe you a nice long post. A post with promise and hope....but tonight....I want to write about a comfy bed. And a fluffy pillow and blanket. Today was way longer than I had intended. Well, I guess it really went the normal length, but it felt so much longer.

I have so many things I want to say today about the day, but don't know how to put them into words. I never thought I would be lost for words, but I am. I don't know how to say what I need to say with out being angry or upset. So I think it is best if I just keep it to myself. I am going to use that frustration at the gym tonight. I am not going for long, but enough to relax myself and de-stress.

I wish I could write you more. I wish I could put into words what I need to say to all of you tonight, but I am at a loss. I am just too upset. I know I keep saying that, but it's how I feel. I will write more tomorrow. Hopefully I will be a little more of sound mind then!

Enjoy your evenings everyone!

Day 138

Good Evening everyone!! I am not writing much today, because I just got home from work! These long days have made it very difficult to stay up late at night. I hope you all are having a wonderful evening. I am going shopping this week to try and figure out what a healthy thanksgiving I can have. I need to figure out how to get that same great flavor with not so unhealthy meals!

I know that we are making the turkey healthy and looking to cut down on the carbs, as much as Hayden is begging for mac and cheese with dinner, but I am trying my best! What are all of you doing to cut down on carbs and fats for Thanksgiving??

I hate to cut it here, but I will write more tomorrow when I have time! Enjoy your evenings everyone!!!!

Day 133

Good Morning Everyone!!! I hope you all are having a great morning! I am trying to keep positive. I also had a discovery last night.....no matter how much I try to focus on just me, like I talked about last night, I will always put others first, and that's okay. I don't know why, but it's just how I am. I try to switch it off, but I just can't, and that's not a bad thing! You know, when I was in school, I was the person other people came to with problems. People would let me know what was going on, and I was just a good ear, shoulder, or hug that they needed. I am okay with being that. So I will continue to focus on me, but I will make sure to have a balance. And I will ALSO make sure to go to someone if I feel the need to talk to someone!

So I also know I keep saying that I don't really have anyone here....wah wah wah...right? I hate feeling sorry for myself. And then I had a shocking realization, I do have people. They know who they are, and I am so thankful for their support. It truly does keep me going every day. I know that working, eating right, going to they gym, taking care of Alayna and Hayden, and keeping a house clean is not all that much work, but sometimes it gets to be a lot. And I am so lucky to have these people in my life. I guess I just thought it was time to give some credit, where credit is due, so to you guys, I say THANK YOU! I have been so lucky to find people here, not many, but enough to make my days so much better!!!

So I'm trying to think of what the point of this post was supposed to be....early mornings tend to mess with my brain a little bit! I guess what it really comes down to, is I don't think I can change who I am. I will always put others first. I got it from my grandmother. I guess it is why I care so much about what others have to say about me, because I work so hard to make everyone else happy. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.....So I will continue to care about others, I will thank everyone for what they do (too much usually), and I will try my very best to still keep a focus on me!!!

So I think this post was a little rambly, but I hope it got my point across. I am happy to help others, and I thought that would be what I needed to focus on to make myself more focused, but it isn't. I need to focus on doing everything! I need to just spread myself evenly across everything! So in closing, have a great Wednesday and I will talk to all of you tomorrow!!!!

Day 132

Hello Everyone!!! Today Alayna and I spent allllll day together! And it was wonderful. I have been feeling kind of stuck lately. Not sure why I am feeling this way, but I am. I guess it's just something I need to put on my list of things to figure out. I work hard to keep my sanity on a daily basis. I work hard to make sure that everyone and everything around me works the way it should. Sometimes it takes more than I have in me, but I do it. Maybe that is why I am feeling so stuck? I am spreading myself very thin. I am concentrating so much on what everyone else needs to be happy, that I have lost focus on what makes me happy. I have lost focus on Bethany. Bethany needs things to be happy too.

I used to do things for me. But now I feel like I am so focused on everyone else's feelings that I have forgotten what this whole thing started out as!! It started out as a journey to find me. A journey to figure out what made me so unhappy and how I could change that. When did that journey turn in to something else? I have no idea how I got to be like this. How I began thinking more about others than what was important to me?

Now I don't say all of this to say I will stop caring about others, because I will NEVER stop doing that. But I am saying I have to focus on me too. I am so busy and caught up helping others that I have left myself in the dust. I feel like a little kid stuck in the clothes rack at JCPenney's....lost and left behind. So this next week...I am focusing on ME! I am focusing on why I started this and how I can get out of this rut!

I hope you all have a nice evening!!!

Day 128 - Weigh In

FINALLY!!!!!!! I finally saw the scale go down this week!!!!! I couldn't be happier about what I saw today. I am down 2.3 pounds for a total of 38.8 pounds GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was terrified to jump on the scale today, but turns out, it wasn't so scary!! I know this week has been crazy, and I am still feeling all the feelings I was feeling yesterday, but I feel better knowing that something is improving!!!

I sat down last night, and prayed about all my stress and worrying. I prayed for some peace of mind. I think right now, that is my biggest down fall, is that I worry too much. I stress out too easy. And most of all I think too deeply into things. I need to have some peace of mind with these things in life. God would not hand me anything I can not handle, and I have to hold true to that. If I don't, what else do I have??

I have been through a lot in life, and I tend to continue to let things weigh on me, far longer than they need to. I worry more than any other person I know, and I stress out easier than any other person I know. It's just how I have always been. How do I change that about myself? I know I get it from my grandmother, and I get wonderful things from her as well, but these are the two things I wish and try to change about myself, but am simply unable to. I have tried numerous things, and I still tend to come up short. So I guess for now I just keep trying. Like every other journey in my life I need to take time to do it. I have so much going on and I need to organize all my quirks I guess.

They make me who I am, but sometimes, they make me hate myself. They cause trouble at times. Sometimes, I need to just let go, and let God.....and I don't. I hold on and try to handle it all myself, and it NEVER works!!! So I guess as happy as I am today, I am still burdened (and pretty scatter brained too!). I hate feeling so much weight on my shoulders and still do nothing about it

So I am going to try to handle today one moment at a time, take time to celebrate the little things, and not stress or worry too much about the other things. Realize that they are out of my hands, and whatever happens, happens. No matter what I always stay true to myself....it makes me a stronger person.

I hope you all have an incredible Friday...enjoy the little things and don't worry about the big things!!!

Day 125

Good Evening all!!!! I am keeping it really short today. A lot happened at work today that makes me sad, and angry, and frustrated, and a whole array of feelings that I don't want to attack today! So I am keeping them in for another day. I hope you all had an incredible day today and that you remember to keep your heads up in the best of situations.

Remember that of all the hats we wear, some are more important than others...please keep that in mind. I can't stress that enough to all of you. I wear a lot of hats.....Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Boss, Co-Worker, Photographer, Salesperson.....and so much more...but remember the ones that count the most!!

That is all I have to preach to you tonight. Just had a rough day and ready to get into bed!! Have a great sleep tonight everyone!!

Day 123

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! I will be very honest with all of you....I forgot to even think about writing today!! I was so caught up with work, and then when I got home....I wanted nothing more than to relax with Hayden and Alayna. I know that my commitment is still here, but I just wanted to spend the day with them, uninterrupted.

This next few weeks is going to be very very busy. I have to work on training a new hire, and making sure that my team is ready for the holidays. I also have to make sure that I am all ready to go for this Disney trip, so the posts will be just as frequent, but maybe a little shorter....and more scatter brained. But I WILL make it work!!!

I know some times I can get a bit distracted, but I promise I am still here. I promise I am still totally present and ready to do what comes at me. And I will try my very best to communicate that to all of you. So I know most of you won't get this until the morning, but I will write again tomorrow. A little more in detail, I promise!!!! Have a wonderful sleep tonight everyone!!

Day 122

I will be honest with all of you, I am tired. So I think I am keeping today short and sweet!

I hope you all had an awesome Saturday!!! I spent it partially at work and partially at home, so it could have been better! I had to get up early and head to work for something that never even happened, and then I went home and I cuddled up with Hayden and Alayna all day watching movies and playing games!

So I guess all in all it was an awesome day. I needed some time with Hayden and Alayna, so I did get that....and am continuing now, and must return to them!!!

Enjoy what is left of your evenings and I will catch all you crazy kids tomorrow!!!

Day 121 - Weigh In

Good Morning Everyone!!! I know I said I wasn't going to do well at the weigh in, and boy was I right. I didn't gain, but I for a split second thought I did. I am right where I was last week, and that is my own doing!! I didn't eat like I should be these last few weeks. But from here on out, I REFUSE to get back off this horse. I want to make sure I am ready for Disney, and LIFE!!! I did go back to the gym last night, and I felt awesome after I was done. Granted I am exhausted this morning, I know that I can make it work. I still am happy with the amount of weight I have lost, but I am just ready to get back to how I was losing. So that means eating right and working out, NO EXCUSES.


Sometimes we have to take a look at why we do things again (and again), which I have done quite a few times! I am doing this for myself and Alayna long term, but for short term, it was always Disney, so I WILL BE READY!!!! I have 30 days left to make it work, and I can promise you all that I will. I will really kick it into gear and be ready for fun and ride riding when I get down there! I am excited and motivated now more than ever. I don't know what has changed, but I am ready to take it all on. I mean in the grand scheme of things, what is one hour a night???

SO I hope you enjoy your Friday!! I am certainly going to enjoy mine!! I am motivated and taking it one step and one day at a time. That's what it really takes.....taking smaller steps will make it easier to tackle all of this!! So enjoy your Fridays and take things one step at a time!!

Day 120

Hello Everyone!!! I hope you all are having an incredible morning! I woke up this morning with a new out look. My dad sent me this message yesterday that was so full of impact for me!!

"Life is a pilgrimage, but sometimes you need pilgrimage to discover life."

That couldn't be more true! I think sometimes I get so caught up in life that I forget to really experience and figure it out. So I really need to hone in and figure out what is important. I only have so many days left before I go to Disney World, and not like I am stopping then, but I need to really kick it into gear. So I need to really focus on what is important right now.

I know I keep saying that, and then doing nothing, but I REALLY mean it this time. I don't know what has been my problem lately, and why I have been so lazy, but I just want to get back into my routines. I know it is about getting into a routine, but I am just really struggling with it. It is so hard to work, long days at that, and to come home and cook, and then to work out too??? It gets to be a lot. So I guess it is about just sucking it up, and figuring it out. So now I WILL figure it out.

To give you all a little snapshot of my days:

6:00 am - Get up, get me ready, get Alayna ready, and Miss J. comes.

7:30 am - Head to work for the day, and run around ALL day until around 6:00/7:00.

7:00 pm - Make and eat dinner

8:30 pm - Watch a little bit of TV with Hayden and Alayna and work on anything I need to finalize for work.

9:00 pm - BED!!!!!

So I guess what it really comes down to, is that at 9:00....I need to go to the gym and then go to bed after that. It will just be about sucking it up and getting there. So I promise....starting today...my butt is GOING TO THE GYM!!!!!!

I hope you all hold me accountable here! I better get a slurry of messages telling me to get to the gym!!!! I hope you all have a great day, and I will write tomorrow...for weigh in day. (Which I KNOW will not be a good one). Until tomorrow!

Day 119

Good Morning Everyone!!!!!! I woke up nice and early to make sure that I could get Alayna ready, get myself ready, and STILL have time to write. I know that I have been slacking on my blog a bit. And that I have been promising things that I have not held up. But I am working on it! I have decided that I NEED to get into a routine. It will be hard at first, but as soon as I can do that, I will be better off. After all, it is all about getting into a routine! And as long as I can knock this sense of feeling tired all the time, I can do it!!!

I have tried Chia seeds as energy, and I just don't seem to be getting enough energy from them. I am looking for redbull sized energy, and am not finding it naturally occurring in nature! So I am continuing my search!! I hope that I can figure this all out soon, because I am tired.....of being tired!!!

I have to get back that motivation I had a month ago. So I MUST work hard to get back to that person. I have only 32 days, 15 hours, and 42 minutes before our trip!!! So I HAVE to get my butt going, so that this trip is the best trip I could possibly make it!!!

So all those feelings I had when I started....the frustration of the first two weeks, the angry feeling I had when not seeing results....the irritation of not being able to eat the things I wanted.....I need to find those feelings again, because they gave me results!! So back to the basics everyone....Gotta hold myself accountable, no matter what!!!!

SO on that note, I am starting off my day right!!! Focusing on things that I REALLY REALLY want!!!!! What are you focusing on today??!

Day 116

So today we went to the Columbia County Fair, and my goodness was it fun!!! I had such a good time with Alayna, and when we originally got there, I didn't want to ride the rides. The feelings I had when I tried to ride rides last time returned. "I'm not going to fit, I'm too big, people will ask me to get off". It was embarrassing last time. It hurt inside more than I can even explain....but this time...I fit in everything I went on!!! It was SO much fun to do these things as a family! I had such a blast with Hayden and Alayna. And we took pictures together, and guess what....I liked them!!! I for some reason just feel like I look better....happier!

Can anyone please fill me in...do I look happier in pictures? Because I feel happier in them. I don't feel like the Big Girl anymore! It is such a relieving feeling!

Tomorrow I have to be up early to go to work. So I am unfortunately going to keep it kind of short tonight. I want you all to know that I am scarily close to my Disney trip, so it is time to really step it up! I am ready to have the most amazing time of my life....I want my sister and brother to see me and say "WOW!". So I need to really start working hard. I am still tweaking how I am going to make it work, but I am going to MAKE IT WORK!!!


Have an amazing Sunday night everyone!!

Day 114 - Weigh In

Good Morning everyone. Like I said yesterday, I knew this weigh in would be pointless. Nothing changed. And I realized that I didn't log into My Fitness Pal yesterday, so all 113 days of hard work aren't even showing on there anymore. I can't believe I didn't log in?!?! I felt very angry that I did that....I have worked too hard to give up now, but honestly, that's what it feels like I'm doing. I feel like I have been going on this journey so long, that now, I'm just kind of faking it. Yeah, I'm still losing weight, but not the way I was before. This feels so much like the lazy way.

So now, the feeling I have RIGHT NOW....is fury....and it is motivating. I am so furious with myself. I told myself (and other people too) when I got this job I would NOT let it get to me. I would keep going like I was before and I would let NOTHING get in my way. And then I let work get in my way. How could I??? I lied and cheated myself out of months of hard work. So I feel like I have to jump on this horse all over again. I don't think I wanted to admit to you guys (although I'm sure you could tell) that I had not been doing everything that I should be. And I am more mad at myself than anyone could be. I have been faking for too long, and it is time for me to jump on this horse, and try again. I refuse to be defeated. I refuse to let the food and laziness win.

I know in life that I will come into busy spots and life will just happen, but I can't let up completely. I have almost already given up on myself, and I just can't bear to do that. I am better than that. I know you all tell me, "You are too hard on yourself." "You are working and being a mom, you are doing great." "You are making it work.". But honestly, I'm not. I'm not making anything work. It is hard. Being a working mom, who is also trying to lose weight by eating healthy, and who is also trying to go to the gym at least 4 times a week, and who is also trying to make sure she is spending enough time with her family....it is so hard. I mean, like, unbelievably hard. I don't know how people do it.....I mean really...I need some professional advice, because it is just really proving difficult. I said I wouldn't use tired as an excuse, but I am so damn tired it is unreal!!! How do I dig down deep and find the energy???


I apologize for all the venting. I think the missing a day on MFP was really my final straw. I can't keep being lazy. My body is paying for it, and I am so unhappy with myself for it. I am back at not wanting to look in the mirror really....So time to re-focus myself. Remember why I started, and GET BACK ON THAT HORSE!!!!!!!

Have a great Friday Everyone.

Day 113

Happy Halloween Everyone!!!!!!!

I am keeping it to just sentences today, we just finished trick or treating and I am BEAT!!! It was so nice to go out with friends to trick or treat! Alayna had a blast! Feel free to check my facebook for Alayna's pictures! She had so much fun with her friend Ja'shaun tonight! It was just too cute watching them trick or treat.

Now, I know tomorrow is weigh in day, but I know that I have not lost anything. I am sitting at the same thing I was at last night. This week got away from me!!! But I will still make sure to write nice and early in the morning!!

Have a good Halloween Everyone!!

Day 112

Good Evening everyone. I got done with work early today, and it was so nice to spend some time with Alayna. Although, I woke up with such a wonderful cold today, so I'm not feeling so well. Headed to the store now to grab the essentials. But I am lucky I have off tomorrow to kind of prepare myself. I am excited that tomorrow is Halloween, even though it is really my least favorite holiday, I love getting Alayna all ready to go. She is so excited!! She still has not decided between her two costumes. She is deciding daily what she wants to be, and whatever the verdict is tomorrow night, is what we will go with!!

I really am not into Halloween at all, but I will be walking around with Alayna and saying trick or treat!! I remember our first Halloween how I looked at the pictures and was so unhappy with myself. I felt like I looked ridiculous. I was unhappy and miserable and just all around angry with myself. This Halloween, it was so nice to be in front of the camera. I don't know why, but I am just enjoying taking pictures with Alayna and Hayden now. I like seeing myself...and I NEVER thought I would think that way.

I guess things change as you change, and I sure am changing! I hope you all have a wonderful evening. I am going to curl up with some chicken noodle soup and some hot tea and relax. Until tomorrow!

Day 111

Hello Everyone!! Today was a LONG day! I can't believe how busy it was. I ran around with the owner of the company today, and it was really awesome. When I worked at Splendid, it was no big deal to see Ken (no offense Ken, I saw you all the time!), but here, he lives in Chicago, and you are lucky to see him twice a year. So to meet him this soon....was pretty cool!!

I have been so focused on work lately, and it is paying off. I love my job, and to be noticed for doing well...it's nice. I don't want to talk just about work...but I do want to talk about life. There are only 40 days left until Disney, and I have a lot of work to start putting in. Now that this stressful period at work has slowed down a little, I can get back focused on that!!!

So I am keeping it short tonight. I'm tired, and I want to spend some time with Hayden and Alayna. I hope you all have an amazing evening and I will write more tomorrow!!!

Day 110

Good Evening Everyone!!!! Today was quite a bit to handle! I have FINALLY finished my training binders, so I thought I would be able to focus a little more on life, but unfortunately something else came around the corner.....BUT it should be a quick thing!!!

I found my old journal and have been looking through some of my posts....boy was I unhappy....I'm happy I have made the decisions I have made in my life. Granted I complain a lot, I am happier!! I have come a long way from there. So I really do have all of you to thank for that. I am so happy that 110 days ago I decided to do something about it. I don't know where I would be now if I hadn't...probably really unhappy!!!!

So I am going to work on more work...exciting right?? Like I don't do enough of that! But I am watching SNL with Hayden...and boy is it a good one. So I am going to go and multi-task and you all go and enjoy your evenings!!!