Keeping Up

So I promised that I would keep up with my blog, and I will not let you down. I will not be writing every day. I would not set myself up for that kind of failure anymore. It was ridiculous to think that I could continue that. However I will write whenever I can. I am doing a great job of keeping up with my lifestyle change! The yoga however has been a little bit more difficult to keep up with. I am trying my best to at least work out though. I have been going for walks, I have been going to work and making sure to walk around and keep busy as often as possible, walking the steps at home up and down, anything I can possibly do. I know some of those things sound silly, but they keep me active!

This change in my life has been eye opening, it has been really difficult not to weigh in every week, but as someone who has made a huge impact on my life once said, it's not the pounds that matter, but how you feel, and the inches that matter. Health is always more important, and something that should be noted is that my liver has been getting healthier and healthier. The test they did last time showed that my fatty liver disease had severely decreased which is just fantastic!!! Apparently this diet and exercise thing really do work!

I have been scolded though through this process that I have not been eating enough. I went to see a nutritionist and dietitian and they told me that what I was doing was all wrong. So I decided to switch it up, and make sure that I was doing what was right for my body and I have seen a huge difference! I am so lucky to have such a support system in this journey though. I hope I haven't lost all of my readers, since this isn't going to facebook any longer. That was my biggest market for this blog, so hopefully this will reach other people!

I am leaving you all to that, and I promise that I will make an effort to write sooner. If there is anything more you would like to read, feel free to leave a comment and let me know! I am an open book!

I Get It Now

Okay, so I get it now. Getting back on the horse is something that people are going to have to do for the entirety of their lives. However this time, I saw numbers that I know are very serious in my blood work, and I want to be around for my child for years to come so, here I am, making the best out of my life. I know that I have told you all that I am back on for good, but I am not going to say that this time. I am sure I will fall, and I am sure that this is not the only time that I will trip and stagger, but I want to do my best. So here goes.

I started about a month ago at the heaviest I have ever been. I am actually 13 pounds down from that, as of last week at the doctors. I have also decided after speaking to a very close friend that I will not be weighing in each week, because I become obsessive over the number and not how I look, because sometimes how I look IS more important. So I will only be weighing in at doctor's appointments. I will not weigh in at home any longer, because that will only cause anxiety and stress, and trust me, I need no extra of that!

I have been very focused on doing Yoga and putting into my body, better things. No longer putting in processed foods, only shopping on the outsides of the grocery store, not on the inside aisles. Keeping the focused mind is keeping the body focused on a healthier body as well. I have never felt better in my life because of this. I am trying my best to make sure that I am making very conscience decisions when it comes to my life. I no longer have time in my life to make poor ones.

This is my second chance and this is where I stand up and take it. Like I said, I may stumble and fall, but I know that change needs to happen this time, so I can't wait to take this journey this time!

Day 93 - Weigh In

Good Morning and Happy Friday everyone!!! I hope you all are excited for the weekend and ready to relax as much as I am!! I got on that scale today....ready to face whatever it had to say....and I pleasantly looked down at a 1.8 lb loss bringing my total up to 35.5 lbs!!! That's a lot of weight to be missing!!! And I truly hope I never find it!!!!!

I can't believe it has really been 3 months. It just doesn't feel like it. Time seems to just fly by down here. In just two weeks it will be Halloween and then shortly after that, Thanksgiving, and then our Disney trip, and then Christmas!!!! I am so nervous for the holidays. There are just temptations lurking around every single corner!!! I know that I can be strong when I need to be, but I am a sucker for a good stuffing, mashed potatoes, turkey, and gravy! I mean, who isn't??? But I will make it through one way or another.

I know in the long run, 93 days is nothing, when compared to my whole life being ahead of me. But I want to take all celebrations, both big and small along the way. So come celebrate with me this weekend with a reward. I think it is always good to reward yourself with something. Mine....is going to be a fresh new pair of running socks. It doesn't sound like much, but once you find that perfect pair, it's hard not to buy more!!! So treat yourselves...non food wise of course!!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!!! Enjoy your family and friends and just BE happy!!!!

Day 79 - Weigh In

Good Morning Everyone!! Unfortunately I don't come bearing good news about losing 2-3 pounds. This week I have only lost .6 pounds for a total of 32.7 pounds. Which, no I am not as happy as I would like to be, BUT.....I am .6 pounds closer to my goal, so how could I possibly be upset??

I have been thinking lately of before I started and where I am now. I can't believe how far I have come in just 79 days. It is absolutely unreal to me that I have been able to change my body, life, and routine in such (what feels like) a short amount of time. I don't ever want to go back to that person. I am no where near where I really want to be, but I am a better person than I was.

I can remember in High School and even in Elementary school being so unhappy with myself. I remember when kids would snicker and call me names. Even my own friends would whisper. But somehow it just wasn't enough for me to want to change, instead I just got sad and would eat more. I remember when girls would trade and borrow clothes in school and I could never do that with anyone. I was never able to share because I couldn't ever fit into their stuff.

I always wondered if my weight was what made me unpopular. I can remember in grade school how much I envied the popular kids, and I always wanted to be in that group. Was it my weight that held me back? Or was it just me? Who knows....I mean I've always been kind of a nerd, and that is something I am finally coping with and accepting....if not embracing! But I think as an adult I look back on all of those experiences and think, "Shame on them....". I was a beautiful girl who was smart in her own way, I was nice, I always liked putting others in front of myself, and somehow they couldn't look past that? Shame on them. I punished myself for years because of how I was treated then, and I should have NEVER done that. There was never anything that was wrong with me.

So as I continue in my adult life, and still see people with that attitude, I no longer yearn to be a part of that "popular girl group". I feel sorry that they will never be able to be honest with themselves and others. It makes me feel like I am so lucky to be living the life I am living!

I apologize for jumping down memory lane on this post, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope you all have a wonderful Friday!! Enjoy your night and be good everyone!!!

Day 72 - Weigh In

Good Morning everyone and Happy Friday! Boy am I happy that full moon is over. I couldn't handle another day of that. I don't know what it is about the full moon that just puts me in a bad mood. BUT I can't help but be happy this morning....because.....the scale said.............

2.6 pounds down for a total of 32.1 pounds down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it!!! I hit 30 pounds!!! I have NEVER lost this much weight before and it such motivation to KEEP losing!!! I was so tired this morning when I woke up and just couldn't help but feel so happy and awake after seeing that scale. It just goes to show that being on my feet constantly all day and eating right is EXACTLY what the doctor ordered (well actually, he ordered me to be off my feet but YOLO(I don't actually say YOLO, just seemed to fit!!))!

Now I can honestly say that I was floored this morning when I saw that number. I wasn't even sure I was awake enough to be reading that correctly. But it was right (I checked a few times!). I can't believe that all of this is happening. I still have a long way to go before Disney, but I am so so soooo happy with how far I have come already. I never, 72 days ago, thought that I would have been able to do this. I definitely thought I would have given up, or given in, by now. And I have stumbled at some points during this journey (let's not talk about the cupcake I ate last weekend), but that is exactly what is supposed to happen. Am I REALLY supposed to go on living life with out cupcakes and fried foods??? No. That would be ridiculous and I would die a very sad, but healthy, person.

I know I have been kind of flaky lately, and I wanted to give you a nice hearty entry today. I have been distant and not paying attention, but I promise....I still think of you all constantly. On the days that I don't write until late, I know that some of you don't read those, but in the mornings I am just so rushed around getting everyone ready that I forget. So I promise I will try to do better with writing in the mornings. I mean it really doesn't take up that much time!

I hope you all have an incredible Friday! Remember....don't give up on your goals....it's okay to trip or stumble at times, because it's not how you start the race, but how you finish that makes a difference. So everyone go out and KILL IT this weekend. I know I will NOT be eating any cupcakes!!!! Happy Friday again!!!

Day 51 - Weigh In

OH MY GOODNESSSSSS!!! You guys this morning I had to get on and off the scale a few times to make sure what I was seeing is correct!!! I am so over the moon about this number! Are you ready??? Drum roll please........................

3.9 pounds down for a total of 25.9 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!! I hit that 25 pound mark...finally!!!!!!!! I can't help but use all of these exclamation points and crazy large fonts, because I didn't think I would get it this week. I was continuously getting 2's, or 1.5's, and I just thought it was going to be another couple weeks before 25 would get here. I can't even explain to everyone what I am feeling right now!! It just goes to show that hard work really pays off. And even through really tough situations or the challenges of being a full time mom with a full time job, you can make it work!!

So on another positive note, last night at the gym, there were only two of us there. I stayed on the elliptical for about an hour, and did 3.5 miles. Nothing too extreme, but it was enough to get a good burn before my weigh in this morning. When I went to leave, the other gentleman who was there was leaving too. He approached me and asked, "How long were you on that machine?" to which I responded, "Oh, only about an hour or so...not too long....and wish it could have been a bit longer". This gentleman's face was shocked. He then came back to me with, "I could never do that machine for that long. You must be really in shape because I know I can't handle that!". I immediately thanked him, and said that I was by no means "In Shape", but that I was getting there. It was hard for me at first, until I kept to it, and now love it. I then had a HUGE moment of clarity...I was talking to myself (figuratively of course, I'm not that crazy). This man was overweight and at the gym trying to fix himself. He was me, 51 days ago. Scared of the machines, scared of people in the gym, in awe of what people were able to do, and what I was ashamed I couldn't do. But with hard work, I am getting to a better point. I wish I would have said something to this man last night. He was so nice, and he really made my night. I hope to see him more at the gym, as he was doing a great job!!

On all these wonderful notes, I am signing off for the day! Have a huge day ahead of me, and with this good news, NOTHING will bring me down today! Have a wonderful Friday everyone!!! Make today the day you make a change...it could pay off 51 days from now!!

Day 41

Good Morning Everyone! As I sit here I am just thinking of all the things I am so stressed about. I am beginning to really worry about this whole gym schedule thing! I have not gone for a few days now and I am feeling so upset about it. Sunday we were interviewing babysitters all day, yesterday I didn't get home until late and Hayden was going to work, and today I have to go grocery shopping after work to stock the house. I am so worried that I am just going to forget and go back to my old life and I DON'T want that. I am in charge of my food, and doing well on that front. I am just really worried about my work out schedule.

I know this whole full time job thing is going to take some time to get used to it. And with that, I will find out a schedule that fits me perfectly. So until then I am just going to have to bear with the results. Now I do get on the scale every day just to see how the week is going, and it is still going well, even with just eating healthy! But I know it will be better with working out, once I figure out how to schedule all of that!

Now the job (even after one day) is going well. It is a lot of responsibility, but I am ready for it! It is amazing how much information I need to stuff into my brain in a 2 week period! Things I never thought I would be able to understand, I am beginning to!

So like I said today is consisting of....Alayna hanging out with the sitter and her daughter today, going to work, and going grocery shopping this evening! Grocery shopping has recently become my favorite activities. I enjoy being able to go get new and healthy food for the house! It really calms me down. Who would have thought! I hope you all have a wonderful day!!!

Day 37 - Weigh In

Good Morning everyone and Happy Friday!! Also, today I want to wish my wonderful sister a very Happy Birthday today!!! I wouldn't be 1/1,000th of the woman, mother, sister, wife, friend or even human being I am today if it weren't for her. She is an inspiration to me every day and I couldn't imagine asking for a better sister in the world! I hope you have an incredible day!! You deserve it!!!

Now....as you know....Friday is weigh in day. So today I hopped on that scale...not feeling confident at all. And I look down....and I lost two pounds! With mother nature working against me, I didn't expect that at all this week!! So now I am down a total of 19.5 pounds!!! I am so close to that 20 pound mark!!! Hopefully I can break it next week!!

Speaking of next week, I am really nervous. I love all the time that I get to spend home with Alayna each day, and I have really just begun to get used to my working out schedule....and it is all about to change. I am so nervous about it, but I know it is what I need to do. I promised myself that I would make it work. I really don't want to fail just because I am working full time. So I have decided to try and do early morning workouts. If I have the sitter, why shouldn't I? These next few weeks will have a funny schedule because it is all training, but once I get into my routine, I think it will become easier.

Now today I can't help but think of a certain someone who has been an inspiration to me in more ways than I can begin to count. She crazily enough is still a huge motivation and inspiration point for me. She is there when I need her and there when I don't. She was a strong and powerful woman who would do anything in her power to make you happy. She was an incredibly strong woman who made everyone around her happy. She was beautiful, full of love, and always giving. She would have given you the shirt off her back if you told her you needed it. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. And recently I have been praying to her and with all of the good things I have been blessed with lately, I can't help but KNOW she is listening and helping. She was that person when she was here with us on Earth, and she is that person up in Heaven. I can't help but think she is doing incredible things up there. She was a saint down here, what would make it any different up there? I love you Nonnie, and I miss you more and more each day. But I KNOW you are looking down on me and I hope that I can make you proud. You make sure that I keep my head up high no matter what the situation and I swear you speak through Lauren sometimes with the things she tells me to keep going. We all love and miss you like crazy Nonnie, it's just not the same without you. But we know you are looking down on all of us, no matter what our journey is, or where our lives take us, you are there to keep us going. You push us just as far as we can go. So thank you Nonnie.....don't think I don't know you are there!

I think I am going to leave things on that note. I will write more tomorrow everyone. Have a wonderful Friday, and count your blessings!!! You don't know how long you get them for so love them whole heartedly and don't ever let a day go by without telling them just how much you love them!!!

Day 30 - Weigh In

Well today has come!! It's finally weigh in day....And I can honestly say...I was REALLY hoping for more, but I am still happy!

This week I lost 2 lbs for a grand total of 17.5 pounds in 4 weeks gone. And never to be seen again!


Do I wish it was more around the 20 mark....absolutely! But I can honestly say that I am so happy to just be losing!! I know this is going to be a very long journey, and sometimes things will get frustrating, but slow and steady wins the race right? But I just need to keep my head up, and keep trucking no matter what the number says. I used to quit because the number was small, a zero, or I gained weight. I would just get so discouraged and just give up. Why keep going if I'm not doing it right??? And now I don't want to quit. Why would I change my life so drastically just to turn back into that very unhappy girl??

I can think of so many moments when I was unhappy with myself, and I could feel that disappointment in myself, but did NOTHING about it. You know Hayden and I went to a Nationals game last year, and I was so uncomfortable the whole time! The seat was too small for me and I was so embarrassed by it. I thought everyone in the whole place was looking at me....like I was not supposed to be there. Well later on in the game, we moved a couple rows down as people began to leave, and the seats were HUGE! So I began to think that maybe I over reacted a little bit, and maybe we just got really cheap seats! In my head...when things like that happen, I immediately think that everyone is just staring and laughing at me. It was almost all I thought about the whole time. I couldn't even enjoy one of the few date nights Hayden and I got because I was too upset with myself And I hate that I have that feeling (or HAD), every time I went in public. I just don't feel that way anymore, because I am so proud. I'm putting in a lot of hard work to change my life, and I wish I could just spread it around to the whole world!

So on that note, no more of that kind of negativity in my life. On to bigger and better things!! All these changes have made me a better person....and I can't wait to see the final person they change me into!!!

Have a great Friday everyone!!!

Day 29

Good Morning everyone! I promise today's blog will be a little less....preachy! 

I have been really stressed lately. I can't seem to find any friends here at our new house, and it is effecting me more than I had anticipated. And the strange thing is, the only time I feel really okay with being alone, is when I'm at the gym. I have come to take out my stresses and worries there. Before I leaned on food, and now, I couldn't imagine turning to food. 

I have made a lot of changes in the past four weeks that I couldn't imagine I would have been able to do. I'm trying new food and eating fresh and clean food. It's not the normal me, and I'm so happy with all of the changes. I mean last night I poured Almond Milk into my cereal and couldn't even believe I was the same person. I could have never imagined drinking that 4 weeks ago!! I eat spaghetti squash now....which I'm pretty sure I refused as a child. I am just turning into the person I always knew existed. And I just couldn't be any happier about it. 

I know I talk constantly about how happy I am, and I'm sure that gets old. I apologize. But I just can't help it! No matter how stressed I get about my lack of human interaction, my happiness with myself...it's outpouring!! I was a really unhappy person before. I mean....if I'm being brutally honest....when I went to Busch Gardens with Hayden's family, most of the rides were just way too tight, or I wouldn't even try because I didn't want to be embarrassed. I hated that feeling. It was worse than going shopping! I was so disappointed in myself. And what's even worse, is I ATE because I was upset that I couldn't fit in the rides. How does that even make sense??? 

I am 24 years old, and I am finally ready to change my life for the better. I mean better late than never right? Tomorrow is indeed weigh in, and I am promised myself to be happy no matter what the outcome. Because honestly, no matter what happens, my life is changing for the better. It is insane to think one little number could change my mind of that. I hope you all have a great day!! Sorry this entry was a little redundant with entries past! I just felt I needed to tell everyone...I'm so happy!!!

Day 22

Almost Friday...which means almost weigh in!!

I can honestly say that I am not nervous. I'm ready for the weigh in. If I lose weight, GREAT, if I don't, that's okay too. I'm changing my life, and that is all that matters!

I have decided that I will post some before and afters at week 8. I am starting to kind of see it in the mirror, but I really have to force myself to see it. There are a lot of things that sparked this whole journey. One picture in particular did it. Hayden had his promotion ceremony and we took a picture as a family. I usually avoid that if all possible. But I couldn't get out of it this time. I was embarrassed looking at them. I knew it was time to change everything. I was unhappy. I spend all my time avoiding mirrors. When I FaceTime with my family, I won't even get on the camera because I hate how I look. And that's not healthy.

It's not easy to be this way. You get made fun of, snickered at, and get really sad when shopping. I can remember as a child going to JCPenney, and heading to the juniors section to look at Mudd bellbottoms. But every pair I tried on, didn't fit. It was really hard as a young teen to feel so disappointed in your body. I then only shopped at one store, because I knew they had a size that would fit me. I could never wear the cute clothes the other kids could. For once, I want to go into a store...find something with out going aaaalll the way back to the back of the rack and hope that I can wear it. What's so strange, is I love fashion. I love design and new clothes, but I can't wear any of it. I hope that I can get there someday!

I have never really made that public before, so that is one more step in the right direction!! I usually keep those things between Hayden and I. He has seen me go out and get so frustrated and just leave with nothing because it is too emotional. I want to be able to go into a dressing room and be upset because they are all too big and I have to go a size down (Like I would EVER be upset something was too big lol). So some day I will get there. I know that this isn't a sprint, but a marathon....and someday I am going to be so proud of all the work that I put in!!

Have a great Thursday everyone! Can't wait for weigh in tomorrow!!!

Day 19

Good Morning all! Happy Monday!!!

I have been trying really hard these last couple days to keep calm and relaxed. Stress, as I'm sure you know, can hinder weight loss. And believe me, I have been under an incredible amount. I try so hard to keep calm, because for once in my life I'm thinking about me first, but that is hard. I feel so much pressure from everyone and now from myself that I am finding it difficult to keep calm and (cliche-ly enough) carry on. Everything that I am stressing about is out of my hands and really just needs to be prayed and thought over. So maybe that is what I should just buck up and do. Maybe it will help me de-stress a little. I'm doing everything I can possibly do to eliminate the stress, and that's the best I can do right?

So with all that stress, it has been difficult to focus on not eating. I am an emotional eater. I always have been. Even when I was in school, if I got upset over someone making fun of me because I was overweight, I ate. How does that even make sense? You would think that if other kids were making fun of me, I would want to stop and make the change. But for some reason, my head didn't want to do that. My head wanted to just eat more to numb the pain of other peoples crude opinions. I tried different things through high school. I ate differently, I played a TON of volleyball, and I actually kept pretty active. But it didn't stop the food from going in my mouth. I have no one to blame but myself for the way that I am, but I can blame it on the stress of high school. The stress of being a teenager that is overweight. Stress has always been a trigger for me to just eat to make myself feel better.

That has been one of the hardest things to try and change. Stress eating. I know that it isn't the solution to my problems. And my stress isn't just going to disappear because I am eating a fried, cheesy, calorie packed death trap. I am getting better or at least trying to get better about thinking like that. Hopefully this feeling is only temporary and I can shake this feeling quickly. It can't possibly be permanent to be this stressed or nervous about things! And eating is DEFINITELY not the solution!!


On a side note.....today I put on an outfit that I really don't like much. It's tighter pants and a tighter shirt. I don't like it because I feel like it makes me look like the Michelin man. BUT, I looked in the mirror after I put it on, and I actually felt good. I felt like I looked really cute and less puffy than usual! So hopefully this is the start of many happy feelings! Have an awesome Monday everyone!

Day 13

Good Morning everyone! I'm a little late today, I know. Been a busy morning around here. It has been so nice to be able to stay home with Alayna every day. I love being able to have this time with her. I went from working every day and having just a couple hours at night with her, to having all day with her. And it's been wonderful!

However, as much as I love staying home with her, I have been growing ever so frustrated with not having a job. And this last few weeks it has been really bumming me out. And then, someone said something yesterday that really turned it around.

"At least you now have time to focus on yourself"

I NEVER thought of it that way. I just thought of it as I wasn't doing anything for my family, but that is almost entirely untrue. I AM doing something for my family. I am making sure that they have a wife and mother around for a VERY long time. I may not have a job right now (and not for lack of trying, applications flying out of this house!) but I am improving my life for my family.

Yesterday I felt amazing. I actually anxiously awaited my chance to go to the gym. I looked forward to it all day. I was finally able to use my HRM again since I got the battery changed. And let me tell you....I felt incredible. I ran faster than I have ever run. I felt so accomplished. I felt empowered. I decided after watching Biggest Loser, which I have been hooked on recently, that I want to be able to do a half-marathon with in the next two years. I know that is setting a HUGE goal for myself, but if I can do this, change my life and start my foot in the right direction, why can't I do that?

I have seen the people on that show that finish half marathons, and why couldn't I be one of them? I am enjoying what I am doing. And right now I think that the biggest thing holding me back is my weight. So I think once all this starts just melting away, I could do it. It would be the biggest challenge I could present to myself. But I.CAN.DO.IT!!!!

So what about all of you? What will you decide to do to challenge and push yourself?

Day 12

Good morning everyone!! Happy Monday!!!


You know I thought all night about what I was going to write about today. It kept me awake far longer than I care to share. But I got to thinking about all sorts of things. There has been this outreach of people both old and new from my life reading the blog. I didn't think it was anything to start writing. I just thought it was a way to get through this and it (in just 12 short days) has turned into so much more!! So today I want to say thank you! Thank you everyone who has decided to hop on during this journey!

My question to all of you is, do you know someone in your life who is struggling through weight loss or a change such as this? I would love to have them read and be a part of this journey as well! If I can do this, anyone can!

I am so blessed to have all of you in my life! From family to friends I feel so motivated by all of you. Every time I think I should just quit, or give it less time at the gym I think about all of you pushing me. I can honestly say that I'm starting to enjoy going to the gym. I actually look forward to it each day. It's such a nice way to spend time with myself. It's relaxing and I feel so great when I do push myself harder than the day before. I'm doing things I never thought possible. I am running again...who would have ever thought I would be running again! When I do things like this it makes me feel like all things are possible!! I dream about what my life will be like in six months. And for the first time in a long time, those aren't nightmares, but great dreams that I don't ever want to wake from!!!

I hope that in some way you all can find something that makes you as happy as I am. If that is going to the gym and running, doing Zumba, or taking a kickboxing class, that's great!! Even if it's just playing in the backyard, that is great too! You should always do something for yourself, be selfish, and make yourself happy in the healthiest way possible. That is exactly what I am doing with my life. You should do the same!!!

Hope to see some new visitors on the site! If you are new, feel free to comment!! Even if you aren't new, but a ghost reader, feel free to comment as well!! I love seeing how all of you are enjoying the blog. It makes my day!

Have a wonderful Monday all!

Day 10

Hope you all are having a wonderful start to your weekend. Today Hayden, Alayna, and I will be going to the movies. I am going to really have to test my temptations here with all the milk duds, popcorn, and pretzels. It's hard for me. I am not sure when it will get easier. Yesterday we went to Wal-Mart to get a food scale, and walking through the grocery part was harder than I thought it would be. There are temptations lurking around every single corner. You go around one corner and the candy is hiding. You go around the next and the chips are laughing at you.

This is the last thing I really need to get into control. I am having a really hard time with food cravings. Last night, I finally broke down and made pita pizzas. I had been trying to avoid them, but with every pizza commercial, it got harder and harder to hold out. I know it is unrealistic to think I will NEVER eat another donut, slice of pizza, or fried food again. I'm 24 with a lot of years ahead of me. Things are bound to happen. BUT, right now I need to stay as far away from it as I can so that I can be okay without it.

This is always the harder part for me. I love food. Obviously or I wouldn't be in the position I'm in. My father is this incredible cook and you can't help but to love food growing up in that house. Every function my family has we cook for about 4,385 people, and you just feel like you have to eat. And I could blame it on that if I really wanted, but it isn't like anyone was forcing the food in my mouth. (Although my Nonnie was pretty persuasive "Mangia, Mangia!") I made the decisions and I put the food in my mouth. I made myself this way, and it's up to me to fix what I've done.

Even with all of the food doubt in my head I can honestly say that I feel good. I'm on my way to happy. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I am doing something for me. I am very conscience of others. I try so hard to make everyone else happy and I am VERY hard on myself when I fail at that. And I should have the same mentality about this. I can't and won't let myself down. Time to start doing things for me. And this is my first step!

Have a good Saturday everyone!!

Day 9 - Weigh In

Alright.....the numbers are in.......nice and early this morning I jumped on the scale after one week of hard work. Or at least harder work than I had put in for the past few years (shamefully).

Here it is.....10.5 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


One week and 10.5 lbs down....I'm speechless. I KNOW this will not be a weekly number. That would be unrealistic. But this is just such an incredible start. And before anyone chimes in that it is unhealthy to lose this much, I have contacted my doctor, and it is perfectly healthy as long as I am eating the calories I need to be in a day. Which I am.

I am just so overwhelmed by that number. I know myself well enough to know that I will want to see that number every week. It would be incredible if I could, but I know it just isn't going to happen.

Knowing that I am headed in the right direction...that is my motivation for this next week. This next week has never happened for me. I have ALWAYS given up by now. I  never make it this far because I love food too much and just always want to fall back into that horrible routine of my old life. I hope that seeing this number has really triggered something in my head to keep going. I want to just keep seeing that number go down.

I am so thankful to all of you for pushing me through this week. I know with all of you amazing people behind me, I can keep going and going until I reach my goal! I have been just so excited to see all of the people reading. I hope all of you incredible people have a wonderful weekend. Remember I still update on weekends, so remember to read!!!

Day 8

I can't believe the things that have changed in just one week. My attitude for one is probably the biggest thing to change. I feel so so driven through this. Maybe it is you guys pushing me that is making this so much easier. You know last night I came home from the gym and was in a lot of pain. Every time I walk my hip feels as though it is going to dislocate from my body, but I PUSHED through it. I got home and was so upset. Hayden asked why I was so upset over it and I responded with, "It means I either can't work out, or it is just going to have to be really painful while I do".

The old me would have just given up. Hip pain = DONE. But now, I'm upset that I can't work out as hard as I want to.

Also last night, for the first time in a long time, I ran...

Well I think that's what it was. I mean I probably looked like Pheobe from Friends, but I did it. It wasn't for long. It was for short amounts of times, but enough to get a good sweat out of me. I was so proud that I was running. I would love to be a runner and my head just always stops me from taking that next step. And last night....I just went for it.

I keep putting up my blinders to make this easier. I will be completely honest with myself that I am having a hard time these past couple days with temptation. I really do love food and I have to understand that I am just fine without it. I feel happier and healthier without all that processed food. But let's be honest....who doesn't crave a big slice of pizza every once in a while. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. BUT, it's times like these that make me put those blinders up again and keep my eye on the prize. I have to realize who and what and why I am doing this. Those things are more important than any one of those greasy, fatty, processed foods.


As a close, tomorrow is weigh in morning. And that terrifies me. I know that I have worked hard this past week. I know I have done what I can in the kitchen to make a change. I just hope I can see it tomorrow morning. I know that I could work harder, and I will try this next week, but for my first week doing this....I pushed it. I pushed harder and faster every day. So tomorrow will tell if all the hard work will pay off.

Day 7

So it has arrived....Day 7...this is the day I always say that I'm happy enough with who I am. Hayden loves me the way I am so why change? But all those are just excuses. I'm not happy and I'm not fooling anyone! I decided when I got to this day I would make a list. A list of all the things that should be keeping me in this. So here goes!!

• Alayna
• Hayden
• My Family
• To be able to go into the same store Hayden shops at, and pick something out!
• To be able to run and not run out of breath
• Disney World
• A swim suit
• ABS!!!
• To not be out of breath doing something simple
• Run around with Alayna and play
• To have a healthier outlook on life
• To be able to wear heels comfortably!!
• To raise my arms without looking like a lunch lady 
• To not be afraid of being in front of the camera as opposed to being behind it
• To not be so hurt by what others say
• most of all.....FOR ME!!!!

I know that some of the things on the list are silly. But they are honest. There are more but these things are what keep me going. Knowing that I have these things to motivate and keep me going...then I can stay on track. 

I am so lucky to have the people I have in my life to support me through this. My Mom and Dad are the best parents in the entire world. They are my heroes. They are who I want to make proud in life, and if this one small thing can achieve that, then I will push through until the very end. They are strong...and if they can be strong, then so can I!!

My sister and her family are one of my other biggest motivators. They are incredible people who push and motivate me in every way. My brother (in-law doesn't need to be said, because he just isn't that anymore) is such an inspiration to me. He has made it to where I want to be and I couldn't be anymore proud. They have such faith, drive, and motivation. I hope that some day I can make it to a point in my life where they can see me as such!

I love my family, and I wouldn't be here without them. They are what push me every day. When I want to give up...I KEEP GOING...because I know I have them. I love you guys and I couldn't be 1/1,000th of the person I am without you guys.

So I leave you all with this, who is your motivation? Who pushes you to do more?

Have a good Wednesday everyone!

Day 6

Well I have a few VERY small victories to share with all of you. Please....don't be too harsh, they are very very small!!

My wedding rings are MUCH looser, which is great!!

And

Yesterday at the gym, I ran....I HATE to run and I ran. I would walk for 4 minutes and then run for 1 minute, for a total of 45 minutes. I felt good. At a certain point it actually felt better to run than it did to walk!!

I know these are such small things, and there are much bigger things to come, but I just felt like I had to share. Sometimes I feel like looking at the small things is what keeps me motivated. Last night for the first time through this, I was actually very hungry. Hayden had made a frozen pizza and it took every single muscle in my body to not have a slice. I thought about it...over and over again. It's just one slice...what will one slice do?? But I didn't. I ate my dinner, I drank some water, and I had a banana and peanut butter as a snack later in the evening to curb any of those feelings.

I am so happy I did what I did. I am surprised I was able to stick to my guns and keep clean.

I have significantly cut out the amount of processed foods in my daily eating habits and I just feel better because of it! The only real foods I have been eating that are pre-packaged are string cheese, peanut butter, and cream cheese. I can't believe I am actually doing this!

Again, I know these are just some small acheievements, but they feel so big to me! I hope you all have an amazing Tuesday and KEEP MOTIVATED...no matter what little obstacle comes along!

Day 5

Today has started out really slow. It's usually about now that I start contemplating if I should really be doing this, and if it is all worth it. And then a couple days later I give up. This time feels different. While I am lagging today, I do not have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says it's time to give up.

I have had a couple people ask what I am using to track my caloric intake, and I just wanted to talk a little bit about my day to day. Seeing as I am just starting out, I am no expert, but this is how I do things every day! I use a website called www.myfitnesspal.com to track my calories, keep track of my water intake, and also track my exercise. It is free and really helpful to make sure I log every single thing that goes into my mouth. Please feel free to add me as a friend on there if you would like, my username is whocrux (nerdy, I know). It is really nice because it has a large database of foods both name brand and generic, and it includes all the nutritional information you would possibly want for a product.

Now, I used it a while back, and fell off the bandwagon then. I decided to delete that account because I was so embarrassed that I had just given up. I feel like that is what I am good at. So I will do everything I possibly can this time to make sure that giving up is not an option. I know I have what it takes, I am ready to stick it through to the end.

Now as for exercise, I am keeping it really simple for now. I am walking about 2-3 miles a day on a treadmill. I usually do a minute run/jog, and then 5 minutes walking at a comfortable pace. I repeat it a couple times, or until I know my body just can't do it anymore. I like to try to go for about an hour, or 3 miles, whichever I hit first. I know it isn't much, but believe me, my body would beg to differ. It works for me. I do some stability ball ab workouts as well, but I really do just enjoy walking/jogging most.

I hope to some day get better with my jogging and hopefully I can run some day...but for now....I just need to keep doing what I am doing until I feel comfortable. Two weeks and I should start getting more comfortable (and less sore!!).

Now I see on my stats page that my numbers are dropping :( If there is anything I can write that would keep everyone more captivated, or if there is something you are really curious about, I would love any suggestions on topics! Enjoy your Monday everyone! I know mine will involve job searching, cleaning, and prepping for the week!