Keeping Up

So I promised that I would keep up with my blog, and I will not let you down. I will not be writing every day. I would not set myself up for that kind of failure anymore. It was ridiculous to think that I could continue that. However I will write whenever I can. I am doing a great job of keeping up with my lifestyle change! The yoga however has been a little bit more difficult to keep up with. I am trying my best to at least work out though. I have been going for walks, I have been going to work and making sure to walk around and keep busy as often as possible, walking the steps at home up and down, anything I can possibly do. I know some of those things sound silly, but they keep me active!

This change in my life has been eye opening, it has been really difficult not to weigh in every week, but as someone who has made a huge impact on my life once said, it's not the pounds that matter, but how you feel, and the inches that matter. Health is always more important, and something that should be noted is that my liver has been getting healthier and healthier. The test they did last time showed that my fatty liver disease had severely decreased which is just fantastic!!! Apparently this diet and exercise thing really do work!

I have been scolded though through this process that I have not been eating enough. I went to see a nutritionist and dietitian and they told me that what I was doing was all wrong. So I decided to switch it up, and make sure that I was doing what was right for my body and I have seen a huge difference! I am so lucky to have such a support system in this journey though. I hope I haven't lost all of my readers, since this isn't going to facebook any longer. That was my biggest market for this blog, so hopefully this will reach other people!

I am leaving you all to that, and I promise that I will make an effort to write sooner. If there is anything more you would like to read, feel free to leave a comment and let me know! I am an open book!

Day 164

Good Evening everyone! I'm so sorry I forgot to write yesterday, but I have realized that I don't feel as bad if I don't write. I know before I felt obligated to write, and write long posts, but not anymore. If I don't feel up for writing, and know that all I would be writing is filler and fluff, than I know that it's probably just best if I don't write. So I am writing tonight to let you know that yesterday, I came home late and wanted to just spend time with Hayden and Alayna, so I didn't write. It was nice to just relax and have fun with them, and not feel like I HAD to write.

I felt so obligated before. Like people just sit around waiting for me to write.....which they obviously don't. So I don't feel as bad about not writing if I am too busy to...

Alright, so I don't want this post to make you feel like I don't want to write, I just wanted to explain why I don't post all the time now! Nothing personal everyone!

So today I would have written earlier, but I was enjoying watching some movies with Hayden and Alayna and wanted to just relax! Sometimes that is my favorite thing to do. I admitted to Hayden today I had the worst snack cravings, but I was so happy that I decided on oranges and some fruit leather, over some other not so great choices!!! Sometimes I just need to put things back into perspective to realize that I am doing okay!! I know it has only been a few days, but I am making it by! I am nervous and excited to see what Friday has in store, but until then.....I am going to just keep kicking butt!!!

Have a good Sunday night everyone!

Day 162

Alright everyone, another night of confessions coming your way! I hate admitting this one, but it's something I have to do to really feel like I'm starting fresh this year........I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. Probably since I got home from Disney World is the last time I weighed myself. I have been so worried about what I am going to see what I get on that scale, that I have just been avoiding it all together. So for now, I am going to just breath deep breaths tomorrow and see what it says. I will continue to weigh in on Fridays, I preferred it really, but I will have a official weigh in next week. Tomorrow will just be me getting on the scale to see a "start-ish" point. I don't want to say that I am starting completely over, because I have made progress, I just.....digressed a little bit along the way. So tomorrow...I jump on that scale and will brave it just like other week. And KNOW that it will be going down the week after that.

So I am heading back into the place I fear so much, which is the grocery store....I don't like going in just because there is just so much temptation that lurks around every corner. There are so many options to derail me, that I just hate going. I know that there are foods that are good for me there, but come on....bunch of chocolate cookies is going to look much better than cup of carrots. I mean who doesn't agree with me on that one???? So I will venture back in tonight and see what lies in store for me.

I also am headed back to the gym tonight. As tired as I know I am, I know what is more important to me. And what will always be more important to me, is making sure that I am healthy and happy, and around for forever with Alayna!!

So I leave you all with a thought, what changes are you making in your lives for the better this year? Now, I made a resolution on top of this change, to be a better person....that means mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. Sometimes I get distracted with things that I can be a bad one of the above, and this year, I want to change that. I also want to live by one of my favorite TV show quotes.....I leave you with that tonight to think about...it's my new years goal!!

Day 138

Good Evening everyone!! I am not writing much today, because I just got home from work! These long days have made it very difficult to stay up late at night. I hope you all are having a wonderful evening. I am going shopping this week to try and figure out what a healthy thanksgiving I can have. I need to figure out how to get that same great flavor with not so unhealthy meals!

I know that we are making the turkey healthy and looking to cut down on the carbs, as much as Hayden is begging for mac and cheese with dinner, but I am trying my best! What are all of you doing to cut down on carbs and fats for Thanksgiving??

I hate to cut it here, but I will write more tomorrow when I have time! Enjoy your evenings everyone!!!!

Day 133

Good Morning Everyone!!! I hope you all are having a great morning! I am trying to keep positive. I also had a discovery last night.....no matter how much I try to focus on just me, like I talked about last night, I will always put others first, and that's okay. I don't know why, but it's just how I am. I try to switch it off, but I just can't, and that's not a bad thing! You know, when I was in school, I was the person other people came to with problems. People would let me know what was going on, and I was just a good ear, shoulder, or hug that they needed. I am okay with being that. So I will continue to focus on me, but I will make sure to have a balance. And I will ALSO make sure to go to someone if I feel the need to talk to someone!

So I also know I keep saying that I don't really have anyone here....wah wah wah...right? I hate feeling sorry for myself. And then I had a shocking realization, I do have people. They know who they are, and I am so thankful for their support. It truly does keep me going every day. I know that working, eating right, going to they gym, taking care of Alayna and Hayden, and keeping a house clean is not all that much work, but sometimes it gets to be a lot. And I am so lucky to have these people in my life. I guess I just thought it was time to give some credit, where credit is due, so to you guys, I say THANK YOU! I have been so lucky to find people here, not many, but enough to make my days so much better!!!

So I'm trying to think of what the point of this post was supposed to be....early mornings tend to mess with my brain a little bit! I guess what it really comes down to, is I don't think I can change who I am. I will always put others first. I got it from my grandmother. I guess it is why I care so much about what others have to say about me, because I work so hard to make everyone else happy. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.....So I will continue to care about others, I will thank everyone for what they do (too much usually), and I will try my very best to still keep a focus on me!!!

So I think this post was a little rambly, but I hope it got my point across. I am happy to help others, and I thought that would be what I needed to focus on to make myself more focused, but it isn't. I need to focus on doing everything! I need to just spread myself evenly across everything! So in closing, have a great Wednesday and I will talk to all of you tomorrow!!!!

Day 132

Hello Everyone!!! Today Alayna and I spent allllll day together! And it was wonderful. I have been feeling kind of stuck lately. Not sure why I am feeling this way, but I am. I guess it's just something I need to put on my list of things to figure out. I work hard to keep my sanity on a daily basis. I work hard to make sure that everyone and everything around me works the way it should. Sometimes it takes more than I have in me, but I do it. Maybe that is why I am feeling so stuck? I am spreading myself very thin. I am concentrating so much on what everyone else needs to be happy, that I have lost focus on what makes me happy. I have lost focus on Bethany. Bethany needs things to be happy too.

I used to do things for me. But now I feel like I am so focused on everyone else's feelings that I have forgotten what this whole thing started out as!! It started out as a journey to find me. A journey to figure out what made me so unhappy and how I could change that. When did that journey turn in to something else? I have no idea how I got to be like this. How I began thinking more about others than what was important to me?

Now I don't say all of this to say I will stop caring about others, because I will NEVER stop doing that. But I am saying I have to focus on me too. I am so busy and caught up helping others that I have left myself in the dust. I feel like a little kid stuck in the clothes rack at JCPenney's....lost and left behind. So this next week...I am focusing on ME! I am focusing on why I started this and how I can get out of this rut!

I hope you all have a nice evening!!!

Day 130

Good Evening everyone. Is it completely ridiculous that I decided to decorate my house for Christmas today??? We put our tree up, and I will tell you, I think it's because I am so sad to be alone for the holidays this year. As happy and blessed as I am to get to spend it with Hayden and Alayna, it will be my first year without my mom, dad, sister, brother, and nephews. It will be weird. I love my family more than words can even amount to, so it will be strange not to spend this time of year with them. I told Hayden today that it's not that I want Christmas to last longer, it's that the tree is really just a symbol of family, love, laughter, and a true feeling of joy. So of course I want it up as soon as possible because really....it just makes me happy!!

After I started talking about the holidays, I began to get very sad. I took a hard look at my situation right now, and realize that all the friends I have...live very far away. I haven't really found anyone down here, and it is really starting to bring me down. I don't have people to hang out with on the weekends, or girls night with my friends anymore....I have Hayden and Alayna. So I think if I could just find some friends maybe the holidays wouldn't feel so lonely!!!

Alright, sob story over....I can't believe how late it is, I'm sorry for writing so late again everyone!!! I will talk with all of you tomorrow!!!

Day 128 - Weigh In

FINALLY!!!!!!! I finally saw the scale go down this week!!!!! I couldn't be happier about what I saw today. I am down 2.3 pounds for a total of 38.8 pounds GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was terrified to jump on the scale today, but turns out, it wasn't so scary!! I know this week has been crazy, and I am still feeling all the feelings I was feeling yesterday, but I feel better knowing that something is improving!!!

I sat down last night, and prayed about all my stress and worrying. I prayed for some peace of mind. I think right now, that is my biggest down fall, is that I worry too much. I stress out too easy. And most of all I think too deeply into things. I need to have some peace of mind with these things in life. God would not hand me anything I can not handle, and I have to hold true to that. If I don't, what else do I have??

I have been through a lot in life, and I tend to continue to let things weigh on me, far longer than they need to. I worry more than any other person I know, and I stress out easier than any other person I know. It's just how I have always been. How do I change that about myself? I know I get it from my grandmother, and I get wonderful things from her as well, but these are the two things I wish and try to change about myself, but am simply unable to. I have tried numerous things, and I still tend to come up short. So I guess for now I just keep trying. Like every other journey in my life I need to take time to do it. I have so much going on and I need to organize all my quirks I guess.

They make me who I am, but sometimes, they make me hate myself. They cause trouble at times. Sometimes, I need to just let go, and let God.....and I don't. I hold on and try to handle it all myself, and it NEVER works!!! So I guess as happy as I am today, I am still burdened (and pretty scatter brained too!). I hate feeling so much weight on my shoulders and still do nothing about it

So I am going to try to handle today one moment at a time, take time to celebrate the little things, and not stress or worry too much about the other things. Realize that they are out of my hands, and whatever happens, happens. No matter what I always stay true to myself....it makes me a stronger person.

I hope you all have an incredible Friday...enjoy the little things and don't worry about the big things!!!

Day 122

I will be honest with all of you, I am tired. So I think I am keeping today short and sweet!

I hope you all had an awesome Saturday!!! I spent it partially at work and partially at home, so it could have been better! I had to get up early and head to work for something that never even happened, and then I went home and I cuddled up with Hayden and Alayna all day watching movies and playing games!

So I guess all in all it was an awesome day. I needed some time with Hayden and Alayna, so I did get that....and am continuing now, and must return to them!!!

Enjoy what is left of your evenings and I will catch all you crazy kids tomorrow!!!

Day 121 - Weigh In

Good Morning Everyone!!! I know I said I wasn't going to do well at the weigh in, and boy was I right. I didn't gain, but I for a split second thought I did. I am right where I was last week, and that is my own doing!! I didn't eat like I should be these last few weeks. But from here on out, I REFUSE to get back off this horse. I want to make sure I am ready for Disney, and LIFE!!! I did go back to the gym last night, and I felt awesome after I was done. Granted I am exhausted this morning, I know that I can make it work. I still am happy with the amount of weight I have lost, but I am just ready to get back to how I was losing. So that means eating right and working out, NO EXCUSES.


Sometimes we have to take a look at why we do things again (and again), which I have done quite a few times! I am doing this for myself and Alayna long term, but for short term, it was always Disney, so I WILL BE READY!!!! I have 30 days left to make it work, and I can promise you all that I will. I will really kick it into gear and be ready for fun and ride riding when I get down there! I am excited and motivated now more than ever. I don't know what has changed, but I am ready to take it all on. I mean in the grand scheme of things, what is one hour a night???

SO I hope you enjoy your Friday!! I am certainly going to enjoy mine!! I am motivated and taking it one step and one day at a time. That's what it really takes.....taking smaller steps will make it easier to tackle all of this!! So enjoy your Fridays and take things one step at a time!!

Day 119

Good Morning Everyone!!!!!! I woke up nice and early to make sure that I could get Alayna ready, get myself ready, and STILL have time to write. I know that I have been slacking on my blog a bit. And that I have been promising things that I have not held up. But I am working on it! I have decided that I NEED to get into a routine. It will be hard at first, but as soon as I can do that, I will be better off. After all, it is all about getting into a routine! And as long as I can knock this sense of feeling tired all the time, I can do it!!!

I have tried Chia seeds as energy, and I just don't seem to be getting enough energy from them. I am looking for redbull sized energy, and am not finding it naturally occurring in nature! So I am continuing my search!! I hope that I can figure this all out soon, because I am tired.....of being tired!!!

I have to get back that motivation I had a month ago. So I MUST work hard to get back to that person. I have only 32 days, 15 hours, and 42 minutes before our trip!!! So I HAVE to get my butt going, so that this trip is the best trip I could possibly make it!!!

So all those feelings I had when I started....the frustration of the first two weeks, the angry feeling I had when not seeing results....the irritation of not being able to eat the things I wanted.....I need to find those feelings again, because they gave me results!! So back to the basics everyone....Gotta hold myself accountable, no matter what!!!!

SO on that note, I am starting off my day right!!! Focusing on things that I REALLY REALLY want!!!!! What are you focusing on today??!

Day 116

So today we went to the Columbia County Fair, and my goodness was it fun!!! I had such a good time with Alayna, and when we originally got there, I didn't want to ride the rides. The feelings I had when I tried to ride rides last time returned. "I'm not going to fit, I'm too big, people will ask me to get off". It was embarrassing last time. It hurt inside more than I can even explain....but this time...I fit in everything I went on!!! It was SO much fun to do these things as a family! I had such a blast with Hayden and Alayna. And we took pictures together, and guess what....I liked them!!! I for some reason just feel like I look better....happier!

Can anyone please fill me in...do I look happier in pictures? Because I feel happier in them. I don't feel like the Big Girl anymore! It is such a relieving feeling!

Tomorrow I have to be up early to go to work. So I am unfortunately going to keep it kind of short tonight. I want you all to know that I am scarily close to my Disney trip, so it is time to really step it up! I am ready to have the most amazing time of my life....I want my sister and brother to see me and say "WOW!". So I need to really start working hard. I am still tweaking how I am going to make it work, but I am going to MAKE IT WORK!!!


Have an amazing Sunday night everyone!!

Day 111

Hello Everyone!! Today was a LONG day! I can't believe how busy it was. I ran around with the owner of the company today, and it was really awesome. When I worked at Splendid, it was no big deal to see Ken (no offense Ken, I saw you all the time!), but here, he lives in Chicago, and you are lucky to see him twice a year. So to meet him this soon....was pretty cool!!

I have been so focused on work lately, and it is paying off. I love my job, and to be noticed for doing well...it's nice. I don't want to talk just about work...but I do want to talk about life. There are only 40 days left until Disney, and I have a lot of work to start putting in. Now that this stressful period at work has slowed down a little, I can get back focused on that!!!

So I am keeping it short tonight. I'm tired, and I want to spend some time with Hayden and Alayna. I hope you all have an amazing evening and I will write more tomorrow!!!

Day 110

Good Evening Everyone!!!! Today was quite a bit to handle! I have FINALLY finished my training binders, so I thought I would be able to focus a little more on life, but unfortunately something else came around the corner.....BUT it should be a quick thing!!!

I found my old journal and have been looking through some of my posts....boy was I unhappy....I'm happy I have made the decisions I have made in my life. Granted I complain a lot, I am happier!! I have come a long way from there. So I really do have all of you to thank for that. I am so happy that 110 days ago I decided to do something about it. I don't know where I would be now if I hadn't...probably really unhappy!!!!

So I am going to work on more work...exciting right?? Like I don't do enough of that! But I am watching SNL with Hayden...and boy is it a good one. So I am going to go and multi-task and you all go and enjoy your evenings!!!

Day 109

Good Evening everyone. I have decided I'm not going to keep apologize for writing at night....it's writing at all that is important right? It's just whatever time is easiest for me!!!

So this morning I had a training at work, and it went alright. I wish I could have been home with Alayna, and so did everyone else, but it just was a long morning. I wish I could say I was totally there, but my heart just wasn't there. I was too busy thinking about other things. I wish I could spend more time with Alayna. It is becoming more and more clear, how much I'm missing from her life. I feel so guilty leaving every day and I'm not sure why it is becoming more and more difficult. But I guess it's just another schedule I need to figure out! These next few days will be busy, but once that is over, it is time to really focus on the important things over all. My family.

So with that being said, Hayden is making us a fire tonight. It's the perfect "Chilly" evening, so we will be cuddling up and watching Alayna have fun! I hope you all remember to enjoy the family time. Because through this whole journey, that is taking precedent! I promise this "fitness" blog will be returning to normal soon. I know I have let you down with all this talk of being overwhelmed and what not, but I WILL be making sure to post some interesting developments coming up!

Have a wonderful evening everyone!!!!!

Day 106

Good evening everyone. I am sorry I did not write this morning. Hayden got in a car accident last night, and I had so many calls to make this morning with both insurance companies, work, and the hospital. He has a concussion and has been feeling pretty bad all day, but right now he seems to be feeling a little bit better. Rest will do him good.

But that's what my day has consisted of. It has been a lot of calls and emails and working on my conference call for the morning, which at 6:30 pm, I was told I was in charge of....nothing like last minute right??? But I will handle it like I always do!

So I know last week I promised you I would lose this big amount of weight...and I hate to report, that I did not. I know tomorrow is weigh in day, but I KNOW I did not lose as much as I had wanted. This week was way more hectic than I had imagined it to be.

So I am going to try and relax a little bit, and take care of Hayden. I hope you all have a wonderful evening and I will be weighing in tomorrow!!

Day 104

Good news all around, that is why I am late! I promise, it was worth it! I got called into work today, and it was announced across the board that I will be taking over two locations. I am nervous, but beyond words excited. I know that I have the dedication and hard working attitude it takes, so that is exciting!!

As far as everything else is going, I was unable to finish my lists because I did get called in today. I will try to find some more time somewhere else to take care of it! Hopefully tomorrow morning! I wanted to tell you all a short little story about what happened on my way home today. I almost got into a not terrible accident, but pretty stupid one. Someone wasn't paying attention and pulled out in front of me, so I slammed on my breaks and happened to miss them. But I accidentally changed the stations when I did it. When I regained composure, it was Nickleback singing, "Amen, I'm Alive". How fitting!

And then it REALLY made me think....amen, I AM alive!! So I am taking this next few days to celebrate my life!!! Where I am, and where I am coming from. I ask you all to do the same tonight! Remember to celebrate life!!! Be happy you are alive!!! And I will write more tomorrow!!!

Day 102

Good Evening everyone! I'm sorry this is so late. I got very down after my Mom and Dad left. Their time here went just way too fast! I don't know how it happens so fast!!! I wish I could slow things down to truly enjoy this time with my family. Alayna had such a great time with her Mema and Pappy! She loved carving pumpkins and making smores with them!

All in all, this weekend was incredible! I have no words for how much fun I had with them! I love being able to see them enjoy time with Alayna. I really enjoyed being able to have that special time with my parents. That race was so much fun! I can't wait to do another one with my Dad!!

So I know I should have more to say, but I have a lot to do before work tomorrow and have to be up by 5:00 am! SO you all have a wonderful evening! I'll write nice and early tomorrow.

Day 100 - Weigh In

Day 100??!!!?!?!?!?! Where are the streamers and confetti??? Isn't that what day 100 is supposed to feel like??? Well inside my head it does!! I had a really bad week this week. I mean with the party last week, to some not so great decisions this week, I kind of figured I was going to gain, I mean I should have! But I didn't......I stayed on my steady track moving downward at .8 pounds lost for a total of 36.3 pounds gone!! It may only be .8 pounds, but it is that much closer to my goal!!!

I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking too much about work, weight loss, and my family. I tossed and turned all night, and honestly, it has been like this for the past week or so. I am not sure what is causing it, but I just dream about work and Hayden, that it feels so real and when I wake up, it felt like I had been working all night and not sleeping. It is starting to get really stressful, and I don't like it. I wish I knew how to fix it, because trust me, the LAST thing I want to be doing is working more than I already am. I guess I will just have to try and figure that out on my own time.

So like I said last night, it is time for me to really kick it back into gear. I finally got my okay to get my butt back in the gym, so that will be starting as soon as my parents are gone (for obvious reasons!!), and then today starts me back on weighing all my food and making sure I am eating proportionally. We all stumble at some point during a journey, and that is all this past few weeks has been. I have been writing less, working out less, working more, and eating less then perfect. So that all stops today. My body is basically yelling at me, "Bethany, you've had your fun, now it's time to kick that butt back into gear. Do you want to be around forever for Alayna? Do I need to remind you of all those goals?? Then just do it, Bethany!!!!!". So I hear you Body, and I am!!! I am sorry I treated you less then "temple-ish" this past couple weeks. I should have never done that.

Somehow, even through the crap, no working out, and just the plateau I was on, I still managed to lose weight, but not what I know I am capable of. So now it's time to see those numbers go up (and down!). I'm ready to love the scale again and not fear it each week. SO this is me making a promise to myself, and maybe even all of you too, that I WILL lose more than .8 pounds next week!!!

Alright, I think I've made you all read enough this morning! I am going to go finish getting ready for work, so I can get my butt home to hang out with my Mom and Dad!!! I hope you all have a wonderful Friday, and remember to NEVER give up on what you truly want. Remember why you want the things you want. Remember why you started this journey, and don't you DARE settle for less than what you started all of it for! You ARE worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 99

Alright I know I told everyone that I would write earlier after my appointment, but I got very caught up in hanging out with my parents. We did so much today! We did some shopping, went bowling, and then watched movies while we ate!! It was perfect!!!

As for the doctor's appointment, I'm all good and ready to go!!!! They said that if it was something, it seems to have gone away now. It may be tendonitis, but if it flares up again, just to take it easy!!! So I will be doing my walk this weekend, and I am back to full throttle at the gym!!!

As far as everything else, I am just ready to kick my life back into gear!!!! I have slacked a little the last few weeks and I'm ready to really get back on track now that I am cleared for the gym!!!

I am really sorry that it is short again today, but I will write a little more tomorrow when I weigh in tomorrow!!!! I'm a little nervous, but I am ready for it, because I have big things ahead of me!!!!!

Have a good night everyone!!!!