Day After

Alright, so yesterday was a disaster. I ate like crap, dipped into my weekly points that I'm allowed, and didn't really work out. I felt guilty afterwards. Like it weighed on my through the night that I ate so bad and didn't work out. But I woke up this morning, ate a healthy breakfast, just ate a healthy lunch, and am moving past it. I'm trying my best not to feel so guilty about eating bad food. If I have the points to do it, why should I feel bad about it? So I'm deciding not to be upset about it. 

We went to the three rivers arts festival, and that's where the bad eating took place. I won't dare repeat what I ate, but it was not good. I could have made better choices, but I guess I just haven't built up my willpower yet. Which will come in time. I can't beat myself up too bad. The rest of the day was good. I made smart choices and made up for the bad ones. 

I decided to kind of "meal prep" yesterday. I only made chicken, but it's a start. I cooked it up in a pan with some seasoning, and now I have it for the rest of the week for on my salads. No more plain old boring salad for me!!! And it was good too!! Kinda spicy from the pepper, which I like. Now I just need to branch out and eat more than just chicken. I was thinking maybe ground turkey would be good too. Any recipe ideas for this picky eater would be nice!! I like chicken, ground turkey, some steak, and NO SEAFOOD!!! Sorry guys. As good as I know it is for me, I just can't eat it. It makes me sick!!

I'll have to look up some more meal prepping recipes for the week so I can get out of this salad routine. It's getting old fast. Not that I don't like it, but salad every day, come on. There are better things to eat than salad!! I have the protein and I have the vegetable, now I just need a healthy grain. I'll work on it. Weight watchers has some great recipes that I would like to try. So I guess I'll start there!! Here's to better food for next week!!

First Meeting

Alright, first meeting is done and in the books. I was so nervous I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. What would the number be? Would I be able to continue if it was so high I wanted to give up? What if I'm the biggest person there and they stare? Boy was I overthinking it. I went in, weighed in, in a private booth, got my sticker with my weight on it and took a deep breath. I opened the book to where she put the sticker, and I breathed the biggest sigh of relief I could muster. I hadn't put on 1,000 pounds like I thought. Only 12. So, I'm in a much better position than I thought I was. 

The rest of the meeting went well. We talked about successes and struggles, and it was comforting to know I wasn't alone. I mean I know I went with someone one, but I wasn't the only person in the world feeling this way. So it's safe to say I worked it up a ton in my head, like I do with literally every new thing that happens to me. 

Last night my parents wanted to order from Pizza Roma, which is like my favorite pizza place. So I thought, I have the points for pizza, do it Bethany! But then an even louder voice said Bethany, no!!! You can eat a chicken salad and be just as happy! So I got a buffalo chicken salad, minus the French fries (thanks Pittsburgh for you weird eats) and it was delicious. I didn't feel like I was lacking any taste or hungry for something after. I think I handled myself pretty well. 

On another note, I worked up the courage to go walk the track today, in public, in others view!! I am doing the C25K program and this is only my first day but I think it went well. I wasn't fast, but I did okay. I did a better mile than I paced in my 5k I did a few weeks ago, so I guess that's good. As I was running I was thinking, "am I ever going to enjoy this??". I just don't see how it will ever be something that I WANT to do. I hate it and it doesn't feel good. But I guess it's just something else I have to get my body used to. Anyone have any notes on how to get to like running? Did you start running and hate it? Any tips would be helpful. 

Well I'm off to enjoy my nephews soccer game. Alayna had her last soccer game today, thank goodness, it was excruciating to watch her play. But she's on to bigger things! 

Nerves

Okay, so lots to talk about today. First thing, how about there was a birthday party at school and there was cake and pizza. And guess who had none!!! I mean I put it into my points calculator, realized it was too many, and then said no, but I still said no!!! There were 3 different kinds of cake here yesterday!!!! Talk about temptation!! But I held off and ate my salad and pudding and was okay. Now I did have two small pieces of pizza for dinner, but I had the points to eat it, so I did. I don't know how good at this I'm going to be, but I'm trying. 

Stress has been playing a huge part in my day to day activities because I just have so much going on in my life right now. I have my move out of our house coming up, I have to find a new house, I'm trying to start up my photography business and getting all the right licenses and permits and insurance is a pain, I have to worry about where Alayna is going to be next year, it's just a lot on my plate. And it's like I don't know where to start with anything because I'm so stressed out about everything else. I really need to just let go and let God, but I'm not so good at that. I'm also stressing and nervous about my weigh in tomorrow. It will be my first time weighing myself in over 1 year. And I KNOW I've gained. I'm terrified. I know it's going to be a big number but no matter what it is, I'm not going to be happy about it. But at the same time, it's just a number. Why should I let one little number rule my mind and make me so miserable. And it's not like it's going to stay that number forever. Hell it's going to change next week (hopefully). So I just need to not focus on that number, no matter how daunting it is, and focus on my goal. 

I decided I should come up with a rewards system. Anyone have any ideas about what I should put on there? I figured every 10 pounds should be celebrated. And I have like 1,000,000 of those to go, so I have a lot to celebrate down the road. So any input on what you have rewarded yourself with would be helpful. I was thinking like, massages, new phone cases, photography equipment, (sorry mom) tattoo, and I'm sure there's more out there but I just haven't thought of them yet. 

Alright, that's all from me today! I hope you all have a great Friday! I'll be working until 6:30 and then off to a friends house for s'mores. Wish me luck!!

Day 2

Okay everyone, day two is halfway through and I am still okay. I decided to kind of cheat a little and join Weight Watchers. I have a friend who has had great success with it and I figured...what the hell. I will go to meetings every week and keep track of my progress. So I guess that will hold me accountable in some sort of way. I do feel weird about not counting calories, since I have always done that, but I guess this is just a different way of counting. Last night I had a hard time eating anywhere close to my points, which I have a lot, so I don't know how I'll do with that. But I guess I'd rather be below my points than over them!! 

I also worked out last night. I was as surprised as you are! And I didn't die afterwards, so it must have gone well. Now it wasn't anything intense, but I did break a sweat. Which there is something to be said for that. I'm having the same guilt issues I had before. I know I have to work out, but I feel guilty not spending time with Alayna. But I just have to keep telling myself that this is for her. Once I get to a better me, she will understand why I had to do it. And sometimes she likes to come down with me, so we do spend some time together. I guess it's just all about balance. 

I wish I could tell you I had a delicious protein for dinner and veggies, but we ate out last night. It was just Panera, so I had some healthy options. I got a salad with extra tomatoes (because they are my favorite) and extra dressing. I was living on the edge. But it was still yummy. And for lunch today I had...you guessed it...salad. But the good thing is I kinda like salad, contrary to yesterday's rant about it. It's not the worst thing to eat so I make some sacrifices and eat it. I will eventually branch out and eat more interesting (and protein packed) food. But for now, salad will work. 

I weigh in on Saturday and I'm hella nervous. I haven't been on a scale in months, and I'm straight terrified to get on one now. I lost all that weight a couple years ago and I know I've gained it all back and then some. So I just know I'm not in a good place right now. But I also know that I have to start somewhere. So I guess here it goes. 

I know I jumped around a lot on topics today, but it's my blog and I can do what I want!! Just kidding, kind of. But I promise this time is different. I'm in this for the long haul. I will see changes in myself this time. I will appreciate the little successes and the big successes. Every accomplishment is a good one. So here goes. The countdown to my 2 week mark (when something becomes a habit) starts now. If I can just get over this two week hump, I will be in it to win it. (that was cliche) So let's do this!! Who's with me?

Broken Promises

Alright folks...I'm back. Not by popular demand or anything, but I'm back. I know my last post was about keeping up with my blog. And I obviously didn't do that. I obviously have commitment issues in that department, but that's for another post. 

Through the past couple of years I have been through a lot. Different diagnoses that had changed my life and the way I look at things, and different life events to shape me into who I am today. Which is not necessarily the person I want to be. So I'm back at it writing, and following calorie intakes, and worst of all....exercising...my biggest downfall. But I'm not happy with the me I am right now, so some changes have to come down the pipeline, and I have to abide by them. To live a fuller and healthier life. And all that other cliche stuff. 

So to start this journey off right, I had to pack a lunch today that was going to be healthy and a good decision on my part. So I went with salad. Boring, tasteless, low calorie salad. I'm sooo original I know. But it's what I had in the fridge so give me a break. It's not like I had time to whip something special up. I also decided to start my day off right with a protein meal replacement shake. Chocolate of course (like there is any other flavor). I feel like these are easy and safe choices for me. I did the whole, protein shake for one meal a day before, so I figured it would be easy to do again. Let me just say, by lunchtime, I was ready to eat!!! And boy did that salad look....boring. But I poured my fat free, taste free, love free dressing on it. And ventured through. I never said I was good at this. Just said I NEEDED to do this. So it's just on dinner now to be healthy. And to do something active today to get my calorie burn a little higher. I can do that...pshhh I was born to do that. (insert eye roll here) 

It's not like this is really that hard. A ton of people do this every day, why should my journey be any different? I know that in my head, I want pizza and pop and mozzarella sticks. But I just need to find healthy alternatives that make me just as happy as those things. For so many years now I have used food as a crutch. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm mad, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. You see where I'm going with this. I just eat to fill my voids. When eating should be to give my body nutrition. I always say that my top three hobbies are sleeping, binging, and eating. That needs to change. And this is the first step in the right direction I guess. Even if it's going to be a little difficult, and I may stumble at times, the end result will be worth it. Not that there is an "end result", this is a lifestyle change that will never end, getting to a happier healthier me is what my goal is. And I hope you all stick around for the journey. 

Keeping Up

So I promised that I would keep up with my blog, and I will not let you down. I will not be writing every day. I would not set myself up for that kind of failure anymore. It was ridiculous to think that I could continue that. However I will write whenever I can. I am doing a great job of keeping up with my lifestyle change! The yoga however has been a little bit more difficult to keep up with. I am trying my best to at least work out though. I have been going for walks, I have been going to work and making sure to walk around and keep busy as often as possible, walking the steps at home up and down, anything I can possibly do. I know some of those things sound silly, but they keep me active!

This change in my life has been eye opening, it has been really difficult not to weigh in every week, but as someone who has made a huge impact on my life once said, it's not the pounds that matter, but how you feel, and the inches that matter. Health is always more important, and something that should be noted is that my liver has been getting healthier and healthier. The test they did last time showed that my fatty liver disease had severely decreased which is just fantastic!!! Apparently this diet and exercise thing really do work!

I have been scolded though through this process that I have not been eating enough. I went to see a nutritionist and dietitian and they told me that what I was doing was all wrong. So I decided to switch it up, and make sure that I was doing what was right for my body and I have seen a huge difference! I am so lucky to have such a support system in this journey though. I hope I haven't lost all of my readers, since this isn't going to facebook any longer. That was my biggest market for this blog, so hopefully this will reach other people!

I am leaving you all to that, and I promise that I will make an effort to write sooner. If there is anything more you would like to read, feel free to leave a comment and let me know! I am an open book!

I Get It Now

Okay, so I get it now. Getting back on the horse is something that people are going to have to do for the entirety of their lives. However this time, I saw numbers that I know are very serious in my blood work, and I want to be around for my child for years to come so, here I am, making the best out of my life. I know that I have told you all that I am back on for good, but I am not going to say that this time. I am sure I will fall, and I am sure that this is not the only time that I will trip and stagger, but I want to do my best. So here goes.

I started about a month ago at the heaviest I have ever been. I am actually 13 pounds down from that, as of last week at the doctors. I have also decided after speaking to a very close friend that I will not be weighing in each week, because I become obsessive over the number and not how I look, because sometimes how I look IS more important. So I will only be weighing in at doctor's appointments. I will not weigh in at home any longer, because that will only cause anxiety and stress, and trust me, I need no extra of that!

I have been very focused on doing Yoga and putting into my body, better things. No longer putting in processed foods, only shopping on the outsides of the grocery store, not on the inside aisles. Keeping the focused mind is keeping the body focused on a healthier body as well. I have never felt better in my life because of this. I am trying my best to make sure that I am making very conscience decisions when it comes to my life. I no longer have time in my life to make poor ones.

This is my second chance and this is where I stand up and take it. Like I said, I may stumble and fall, but I know that change needs to happen this time, so I can't wait to take this journey this time!