Day 148

Good Evening everyone!!! I'm trying my best to keep my mind set positive and a good outlook on life. I am unfortunately so tired today. I haven't been sleeping well, so we will see how tonight goes, since I am exhausted. I have been so busy today, packing and preparing for our trip to Disney World. It is incredible how much stuff you think you need! And don't even realize it!

I am supposed to be up early tonight, so I should be able to write a little longer. It seems like time is going by so quickly these days, so I am just trying to make the best of it all. I know that we are almost done with this year, but I really want to go back on 2013 and realize all the things I am thankful for.

So while I close out this short post tonight, I want you all to remember what you are thankful for this past year! I hope you come up with some good things, and I would love to see them!! Have a wonderful evening everyone!!

Day 64

Good evening everyone. I am keeping it really really short tonight. I am in one foul mood and don't want to stay on for too long. I just don't have it in me to keep my attitude up and staying happy today.

I had a really awful day at work and found out some things that were very hurtful that I am just needing to think about tonight. I hope you all understand.

Tomorrow is weigh in day, so hopefully after a good nights sleep I can think a little more clearly tomorrow. Have a good night everyone....

Day 46

So today I decided I wanted to talk about my frustrations as of late. I am so frustrated with where I am right now. Every day I look at myself in the mirror and am so unhappy with who I see. I know she is different than the girl that I was when I started, but I still see her. I still see that girl from 46 days ago that was so unhappy. I still feel like that girl. How do I STOP from feeling like her? And then when I do feel like her, it makes me want to hole up in a corner and just cry. I know these feelings are normal but I am so tired of getting them. I am no where near where I want to be in this journey and I don't know how to get there. I wanted to be well over 35 lbs. down by now and I am still a far ways away from that. I thought I could do it, and now I'm thinking I can't. And 35 lbs at this point is nothing compared to where I really need to be. So now I'm stuck with this feeling of not being good enough to meet my goal and what if I can't meet my goal by the time we need to go on our trip in December. I would be so unhappy that I did all this work for nothing.

I know this post is a little "venty", but it's how I'm feeling. I am just really really frustrated with myself. I am really unhappy today. Maybe it's that I'm sick, or tired from working so much, or just overworked with this crazy busy schedule. But what I do know is that I have to kick this feeling and quick! I can't let it get the best of me, or I will be able to see it in my numbers next Friday! So hopefully today it will be a nice slow work day and I can keep calm and focus on what my goal really is.

Maybe if I actually take those before and during pictures I was talking about, it might give me a little bit of push. Sometimes my eye can't see exactly what is there, but a photograph captures it a little better. And a side by side is always easier to see results in. So I will do those tomorrow....with my day off. You will get to see where I started and where I am, and you all can be the judge of if I'm just crazy, or there really is nothing to see!!

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone! I'm going to try to keep calm and count my positives today!

Day 16 - Weigh In

Well today was that dreaded day. And it was everything I knew it was going to be this week. I've lost nothing. I hopped on that scale this morning and saw the same number that was there last Friday. I can't say it doesn't hurt....because it absolutely does. I worked really hard this week through pain and blisters. And I ate exactly what I needed to be eating.

It's when things like this happen that I just want to stop. Old me would have thought, "What's the use? If all this hard work isn't going to pay off anyway, why even keep going?" But I just can't hold on to an attitude like that. I knew that the number I got last week was crazy hight, but I really thought I would have lost something in the last week.

I know I have so much to be proud of. I have done things this past week that I didn't know I was capable of. I finally started to do a little weight lifting last night, as terrified as I was. I am running for longer periods of time. I am sprinting at higher speeds. I am finally starting to not crave some of my favorite foods. With all of these things, I can't help but not be that upset about being the same weight as last week. So no matter what, I will keep my head held high, because I worked hard and I will see it pay off soon.

I feel like I have let you all down, but know that I will work twice as hard this week to prove it to myself and all of you. Next week will get better!! I just know it!!

Hope you all have an excellent Friday!

Day 15

Well, I know I'm late today. I was lacking all motivation to write today. I'm not even sure if too many of you read this, but for the few that do, I will make sure to push through even bad days for you!

Tomorrow is weigh in, and I am so nervous. I will be happy with anything as long as I don't gain anything. I am making all the right decisions so I just hope the hard work has paid off.

Last night I was really disappointed in myself. I went for my nightly visit to the gym, and all of a sudden I felt this really sharp pain in my right knee. It felt like my knee cap was just floating around my leg. I pushed through until I had finished my walk, but I didn't push through enough to run. I know that it wasn't anything terrible, but I still feel like I quit on myself by just walking. Hayden told me I should take a day off, and of course I don't want to listen. I still plan on going to the gym tonight, but I guess I will just make it about distance tonight and not speed.

I hate that I am my worst critic through all of this. I should be happy and proud of all the hard work I have done. I have made it further than I ever thought possible. I ALWAYS stop at the two week point and say that I'm happy with how I am. But today is two weeks and one day, further than I ever thought possible. And I made it!!! So if there is anything to be proud of, I can be proud of that. After all, I'm not doing this to lose everything quickly and run a marathon tomorrow. It's work, I have to give it time to pay off. I should just be happy that I decided to make the change right?

SOOO...now that my childish rant is over. I know that no matter what number comes up tomorrow, I will be proud. Because no matter what, my life is different than it was two weeks ago. And that is the real reward.

Day 14

I made it!!! I made it to two weeks! I have never made it this far, and the feeling I have right now is indescribable. I am so proud and excited and I just want to keep going!! There is nothing quite like feeling healthier to make your life better. I feel like I keep selling my self short about this whole thing. Without sounding too full of myself, which are not my intentions at all, I am proud. I have been able to take my life from processed, oily, and deep fried, to healthier, green, and good for me. It takes a lot of focus to be able to do those things. I can honestly say that I definitely could not have done it alone.

As this week is halfway over and Friday is quickly approaching, I can't help but get nervous. I am an avid Biggest Loser watcher. The show is so inspiring and is incredible to be able to see these peoples journey to a better life. If those people can do this, there is absolutely nothing to stop me. BUT, with that being said, anyone know of the dreaded week two curse? I mean, I'm not working out for 6 hours a day, so I don't expect to compare to them at all. However, there has to be some truth to that week two plateau. If there is, I am nervous to see what Friday has in store for me. I know I have worked hard this week and pushed myself further than I have been able to go in a very long time. I guess only time will tell, and the numbers will speak for themselves on Friday.

When I originally started this blog, it was late at night. I was angry with myself, and the person I had become. I would always say, "You know I'll just start tomorrow. I'll just wait until event X happens and then I'll start. I'll just run around the house, that counts". All these were, were excuses. What I really needed to do was look in the mirror and realize how unhappy I was. I'm 24 years old and I'm not living even half the life that is possible. So I decided I needed to make a change. And with it being about the 50th time I decided to do that, I needed to do it different. And that was to involve all of you. So late at night, just 14 days ago, I decided to bring you all so much further into my life. It took more courage than I thought I had. I am a very scared person and very rarely go outside of my comfort zone. So this....this is far scarier than I thought it could ever be. I am ready to enjoy and embrace every moment of this, though. I will make it through and keep going. And I could not have made it even this short distance without all of you!

Off to hang out with Alayna today! I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday!

Day 9 - Weigh In

Alright.....the numbers are in.......nice and early this morning I jumped on the scale after one week of hard work. Or at least harder work than I had put in for the past few years (shamefully).

Here it is.....10.5 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


One week and 10.5 lbs down....I'm speechless. I KNOW this will not be a weekly number. That would be unrealistic. But this is just such an incredible start. And before anyone chimes in that it is unhealthy to lose this much, I have contacted my doctor, and it is perfectly healthy as long as I am eating the calories I need to be in a day. Which I am.

I am just so overwhelmed by that number. I know myself well enough to know that I will want to see that number every week. It would be incredible if I could, but I know it just isn't going to happen.

Knowing that I am headed in the right direction...that is my motivation for this next week. This next week has never happened for me. I have ALWAYS given up by now. I  never make it this far because I love food too much and just always want to fall back into that horrible routine of my old life. I hope that seeing this number has really triggered something in my head to keep going. I want to just keep seeing that number go down.

I am so thankful to all of you for pushing me through this week. I know with all of you amazing people behind me, I can keep going and going until I reach my goal! I have been just so excited to see all of the people reading. I hope all of you incredible people have a wonderful weekend. Remember I still update on weekends, so remember to read!!!

Day 8

I can't believe the things that have changed in just one week. My attitude for one is probably the biggest thing to change. I feel so so driven through this. Maybe it is you guys pushing me that is making this so much easier. You know last night I came home from the gym and was in a lot of pain. Every time I walk my hip feels as though it is going to dislocate from my body, but I PUSHED through it. I got home and was so upset. Hayden asked why I was so upset over it and I responded with, "It means I either can't work out, or it is just going to have to be really painful while I do".

The old me would have just given up. Hip pain = DONE. But now, I'm upset that I can't work out as hard as I want to.

Also last night, for the first time in a long time, I ran...

Well I think that's what it was. I mean I probably looked like Pheobe from Friends, but I did it. It wasn't for long. It was for short amounts of times, but enough to get a good sweat out of me. I was so proud that I was running. I would love to be a runner and my head just always stops me from taking that next step. And last night....I just went for it.

I keep putting up my blinders to make this easier. I will be completely honest with myself that I am having a hard time these past couple days with temptation. I really do love food and I have to understand that I am just fine without it. I feel happier and healthier without all that processed food. But let's be honest....who doesn't crave a big slice of pizza every once in a while. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. BUT, it's times like these that make me put those blinders up again and keep my eye on the prize. I have to realize who and what and why I am doing this. Those things are more important than any one of those greasy, fatty, processed foods.


As a close, tomorrow is weigh in morning. And that terrifies me. I know that I have worked hard this past week. I know I have done what I can in the kitchen to make a change. I just hope I can see it tomorrow morning. I know that I could work harder, and I will try this next week, but for my first week doing this....I pushed it. I pushed harder and faster every day. So tomorrow will tell if all the hard work will pay off.