Day 167

Alright everyone, I'm trying my best to stay positive today. I have had a long, grueling day, and to say it has tested me, would be an understatement. I am having a hard time lately accepting things that I don't have any control over. I work hard and sometimes I just don't think that it is always being seen. I try my best to do my best, and it just doesn't seem to be enough. I have been discouraged about things in the past, and I am trying to stay positive about these things, but I just find it very trying at times. I have decided to stop counting the days on my blog....a few reasons why... A. It is no longer accurate, because I skipped so much time. B. I think I have more meaningful things to say than, DAY XXXXX. C. I need to give you a little heads up of what is coming... All in favor say "I". I'll tally up all two votes at the end of the evening. I know I have been more absent than usual on my blog, and the reason is I am either feeling too sick to write, or I am just too busy at work. I have no happy medium as of late. SO I will really try to make a more conscience effort to write to you all. You know my dad messaged me and said he needed it for motivation. I don't think I am really motivating that many people with my rambles. If this blog has been anything, it's just been away for me to get away with the talking inside my head haha. But on a serious note, this blog calms me and brings me peace. It is a way for me to work through problems by almost talking to this virtual reality that is all of you. I know sometimes I can stray from what the real goal is of this blog, but in the end it is and always has been about bettering myself. Which I am slowly but surely doing. I need to be around positive vibes and energies to make myself a better more well rounded person, so my goal is to find people who want to be as positive and happy as me. I don't have any people here that are close to me like my friends at home were, and I may never find people like them again. But enough is enough. I am tired of hiding behind a computer, or a house saying I don't have time. Now is the time for me to get out there and make some new friends that understand me. I need some positive energy in my life, or I will be stuck in this rutt forever. SO on that note, I apologize for another rambly post, but please let me know what you think about my daily titles. It means a lot when you guys respond. I am working on getting healthier (illness wise), so I should be feeling more up for writing now! I will promise to get back into my daily routine as soon as possible! Have a great evening everyone!!

Day 166

Good Evening everyone! I'm sorry I haven't written in a couple days. I have been kind of busy with work and still sick. I somehow got like a third round of plague and am hoping to start feeling better soon! I thought this morning I was feeling better and somehow I am feeling sick again. So I am going to rest all day tomorrow and hopefully that will help!

So what have you missed....I recently celebrated my 4 year wedding anniversary! Went out on a date with Hayden for the first time in YEARS!! I honestly think it has been about two years since we have gone out on a date, so that was so nice!! Went to a nice Japanese steakhouse and then a movie! It was a good time.

I am keeping tonight short, since I am really not feeling all that well and I am ready for bed already. I feel like I am about a thousand years old...going to bed at 10 on a Saturday! But I am going to write a nice long post tomorrow while I am relaxing!

I hope you all have a wonderful evening!!

Day 164

Good Evening everyone! I'm so sorry I forgot to write yesterday, but I have realized that I don't feel as bad if I don't write. I know before I felt obligated to write, and write long posts, but not anymore. If I don't feel up for writing, and know that all I would be writing is filler and fluff, than I know that it's probably just best if I don't write. So I am writing tonight to let you know that yesterday, I came home late and wanted to just spend time with Hayden and Alayna, so I didn't write. It was nice to just relax and have fun with them, and not feel like I HAD to write.

I felt so obligated before. Like people just sit around waiting for me to write.....which they obviously don't. So I don't feel as bad about not writing if I am too busy to...

Alright, so I don't want this post to make you feel like I don't want to write, I just wanted to explain why I don't post all the time now! Nothing personal everyone!

So today I would have written earlier, but I was enjoying watching some movies with Hayden and Alayna and wanted to just relax! Sometimes that is my favorite thing to do. I admitted to Hayden today I had the worst snack cravings, but I was so happy that I decided on oranges and some fruit leather, over some other not so great choices!!! Sometimes I just need to put things back into perspective to realize that I am doing okay!! I know it has only been a few days, but I am making it by! I am nervous and excited to see what Friday has in store, but until then.....I am going to just keep kicking butt!!!

Have a good Sunday night everyone!

Day 160

Good Evening everyone!!! I hope you all had a great Christmas! Ours was definitely interesting! Alayna got very sick on Christmas Eve, Christmas and finished it off today. And then I got a cold/cough and her stomach bug on top of it...it's been a really fun couple days! Poor Hayden has had to take care of us for the past three days. He's been such a good nurse to us!!!

I hope you all had a very blessed day yesterday!! As sick as we were, we had a great first Christmas by ourselves! It was quiet and different, but it was great! It was nice to get time off to relax and just have a day as a family!

We had a nice healthy dinner and we were very good yesterday. I decided once I get back to better, and not feeling like my insides are going to die, I am back in the gym. I got a ton of workout clothes for Christmas, and I can't wait to wear them! And the only place to wear them, would be at the gym!!

I have decided 2014 has to be my year. I make changes constantly, and I "stick to it", and then I fail....but this year is different. I WILL make 2014 my year. I mean I have made it this far, it would be a shame to have to start all over again right? SO I will make this work. And once my work schedule settles down, it will be that much easier. I am so ready to get back to the way things were before.

So I hope you all had a great Christmas, and I hope you all are preparing for the New Year, the Kennedy family sure is!! Hopefully I will be able to write a longer post tomorrow! Goodnight everyone!!!!

Day 157

Good Evening Everyone! I'm sorry I have been posting so late, and never in the mornings, I've decided maybe I should take a break from my blog. I don't think that anyone is reading it anymore, if I am looking at my stats, no one is really reading anymore. I know it's because I have taken a turn from weight loss and going to the gym, but it's this schedule at work that I just am waiting for the holidays to be over, so that I can get back to the gym. I have still been able to eat right, but I am not able to get to the gym because of my work schedule. But I promise I am still in this.


I hate that I have let all of you down. I write late, and you all probably don't read until next day, if at all. And I just am not writing like I used to. It's the holiday season, and I am so focused on being with my family every free second I have. I mean, if you compare last year to this year, I had all my wrapping done and everything ready to go. This year, I have NOTHING done yet. Just tonight we started wrapping presents. So I really need to use every second to spend with my family. But I do still find time to write, it's just usually late!!

SO I guess I will continue to write. I like to write, it keeps me sane!! It's always one of my ten things that I am thankful for at the end of the night!! So how could I stop writing??

Alright, I talked myself into it, even if it's just for me! I hope you all had a good night and are getting ready for Christmas!!

Day 155

Oh what a day!!!! I don't even know where to start for today's post!!! It was a long and stressful day at work, but I had to constantly remind myself all day, to be positive. I have felt so blessed these last few weeks that I just cannot be angry about the things that are not in my control. That is what I have been doing. Things that are out of my hands, I should leave out of my hands and just worry about what I can control. 

You know, my mom told me to figure our ten things a day that I am thankful for. And she is so right, they make the rest of it seem silly. So I have started doing that, finding ten things a day I am thankful for and am blessed with. 

I am headed to bed now, but maybe tomorrow I will let you in on my ten things!! Anyone want to know?

Day 154

Good Evening Everyone!!!! When I tell you I am in a great mood...I am in a great mood! Today has been a very blessed day. I am thankful for EVERYTHING in my life today. I should really be every day, and I am, but I am just feeling so so blessed today. God is good.

When I ever feel overwhelmed, I always think of all the bad things going on in my life, and now I am thinking of all the positive things!!! I think that should have been my mind set for months and it just was not! I am sorry for all the negativity I have put you all through, but I just am going through a stage. I am ready for a new stage in my life. I am ready for 2014....it will be MY YEAR!!!!!! This blog has turned into not just a weight loss and fitness journey, but a story of my life. My ups and my downs. My life and how it functions daily be it sane or not.

Thank you to all the readers that have stayed loyal to reading. I know that this blog has changed and morphed but through it all, it has been my journey. And quite a journey it has been so far. We have lots of posts left to write, but I just want to say thank you.....and that here's to more positive attitudes!!!!!!

Day 152

Alright Everyone, I'm back.....Disney was a BLAST!!!!!!!!! I have so much that I wish I could tell you all about, but honestly, this would be the worlds longest blog post if I told you about everything. It was so nice to spend a week with my family. I can't wait to get all of our pictures together so I can post them on Facebook. It was absolutely the best trip I could even imagine, and it went by too fast.

The Mickey Christmas party was a blast, the rides were fun, and I fit in ALL of them!! I was worried for nothing! Alayna had such an incredible time with her family and meeting all of her favorite characters at the parks. It was just such an experience just to be with my family for a whole week. It made me realize how much I just miss being around them. But it is what it is, and I am trying my best to move forward and make this Christmas the best it can be.

To highlight some of our trip, we all got a chance to be in a show, one way or another. My sister and I were able to be in the Indiana Jones show which was so awesome! Andrew and Alayna got to be pirates. Andrew got to be a Jedi in training! My dad got to be a guard at Belle's castle. And Hayden got to dance at Mike's laugh factory. Sorry Dan and Mom, you guys at least got to watch us all make fools of ourselves!!

On the first day we got there, we lost Alayna's Brave dress. I was so mad that we lost it, because Merida is one of her favorite princesses. So when we met her, I showed Merida a picture from Halloween of when she dressed up like her, and told her that we had lost the dress and couldn't dress up like her to see her. The "guard" that was with Merida then proceeded to get Alayna a dress and give it to her out of the kindness of their hearts. I was in tears that they had done that for her. He said, "No princess should be without her dress".

Disney truly was an incredibly, amazingly, magically, awesome experience. I was so blessed I got to spend a whole week their with my family. And I promise I am back to blogging every day!!

I hope you were all good while I was gone and didn't miss me too much! Talk with you all tomorrow!!!

Day 149 - Weigh In

So...I know I skipped a day of weighing in last week, due to the holiday, but I got back on that scale today...and let me tell you, I was terrified. I had felt as if I had put it all back on. I haven't been eating like I should be. I have been eating more emotionally than normal. So when I got on the scale this morning and saw that I had lost 1.6 pounds bringing my total back up to 39.5. It was exactly what I needed to kind of get me out of this funk.

I am not going to put on all smiles and say I am all better, but I am definitely on my way to being there. I feel better today. I feel more positive. I feel like this can all be managed. Which is the first time in a long time I have felt this way.

I know that a ton of people have stopped reading because this blog changed from what it originally was. But to be honest, I think this is exactly what I intended it to be. Somewhere that I could vent my daily problems to, while also taking myself on this incredible journey. I am still very much on that journey, it's just become more of a struggle than I thought it would be.

I am doing my best to play this big balancing act. I am doing my best to also keep sane through all of this. So I hope that you all can bear with me, and see that this is a journey for me. This is unlike any changes I have made in my life before and I am more than committed to it. Even if I say I quit some days, that means nothing, because I am more than committed. It's okay to slip every once in a while...but I ALWAYS get back up!!

Have a wonderful Friday everyone. I will try my best to stay more upbeat from here on out!!!

Day 148

Good Evening everyone!!! I'm trying my best to keep my mind set positive and a good outlook on life. I am unfortunately so tired today. I haven't been sleeping well, so we will see how tonight goes, since I am exhausted. I have been so busy today, packing and preparing for our trip to Disney World. It is incredible how much stuff you think you need! And don't even realize it!

I am supposed to be up early tonight, so I should be able to write a little longer. It seems like time is going by so quickly these days, so I am just trying to make the best of it all. I know that we are almost done with this year, but I really want to go back on 2013 and realize all the things I am thankful for.

So while I close out this short post tonight, I want you all to remember what you are thankful for this past year! I hope you come up with some good things, and I would love to see them!! Have a wonderful evening everyone!!

Day 145

Good Morning everyone!! I woke up with a bit of a better attitude today. I am trying my best to think optimistically. I have a lot going on before Disney, and as my sister has put it so simply, I just need to make some lists and go through them! That will help organize and attack what I need to get done!!! Sometimes I find that lists help me more than anything else. Maybe that's how I should attack everything in life?? With lists!

I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday weekend. It brought on a lot of thoughts of family and holidays. I am so thankful that I was able to spend it with Hayden and Alayna and even made a couple new friends. But it truly felt like things were missing. We are so blessed that we live this life rather independently, and are lucky to do that. I love my family and I truly have the best one around, so I know that no matter how near or far we are from each other, we love each other and can feel that from any distance!!! So maybe if I just keep an attitude like that for the holidays, that will help!

Now, Christmas is literally right around the corner and I am getting ready for that as well. Last night Hayden and I talked about my gym schedule! It's been a little much with all this holiday planning, so I am trying my best to do as much at home, as well as being able to go to the gym a couple days a week. SO right now, that is the game plan! Do as much as possible so the holidays will be as awesome as possible!!

Alright, today was a bit rambly! I know it was shorter than I promised, but I only have a little bit of time left with Alayna and I want to enjoy it! I hope you all have a great day!!!

Day 141

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!!!!!!!!! Today all my post is going to consist of, what I am thankful for!!

I first and fore most am thankful for my family. I wouldn't be an ounce of the person I am with out them. My father and mother have taught me so much. They are truly the most incredible parents a girl could ask for! They have supported me through everything I have decided to do with my life. They have been so incredible and loving I couldn't imagine my life being any other way.

Second I am thankful for my sister and her family. Lauren and I didn't always get along, actually we fought all the time as children. But now I couldn't ask for a better friend. She is my best friend really. We can laugh, cry, and grow from each other. I am so lucky for that. I hope to some day be just an ounce of the mother and wife she is, and I will be okay.

Third, I am so thankful for my daughter and husband. I am blessed that I get to call them mine every day. I get to watch my little girl grow up every day into a sophisticated little lady. I get to watch Hayden be the most incredible father in the entire world. I have never seen someone love their child like he does.

Fourth, I am thankful for our Army family both near and far. We have been blessed enough to spend holidays with them, when family is not near. Each year we have had people to support us and help us through the tough times so we are not alone! I couldn't ask for a better network of people, friends, and family.

And last of all, (obviously I'm thankful for so much more, but not much more room) I am thankful for my friends. I am so lucky to have the friends that I have in my life. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have the support I have from them.

No matter what happens in my life, sometimes it is good to say thank you to the people I love the most. I am so thankful to have you all in my life. I am just feeling so so blessed and no matter what, however sad I am, I am happy and thankful for the life I am living. From my family to yours, Happy Thanksgiving. I hope it is full of love and joy!!! And family!!!!

Day 140

Good Evening everyone. Today was quite the day getting ready for the holiday prep at work! We will be open nice long hours on Friday, so it should be quite enjoyable.....kinda. So I am so excited for tomorrow, to cook our turkey and to just relax all day and really enjoy my time with Hayden and Alayna. If I said I wasn't sad, that would be a lie. I am sad to not be with my family this year. I mean...I was talking with my Mom today and almost cried just talking on the phone with her. This year is just going to be different. And it's not that I am not happy to be spending it with Hayden and Alayna, but for 24 years I have done the same thing every year. I have woke up with the same people and opened my presents with the same people. It all changed a few years ago when my Nonnie passed away, but we were there for each other. We were able to help each other through it and support each other. I promised myself I would be with my family for every Christmas I could, because I needed them. And then this year came along.

Now I have done Thanksgiving's alone...but this one feels different. The last time we were alone, I had my best friend Melissa with me, the year before that, Hayden's dad came up with us. But this year, it's just the three of us, and it feels so lonely and sad. I know that it should be our time to build our own traditions, but you can not deny it's sad to have no one. I mean it's not even like we have friends to go over their house and enjoy their company. We will obviously make the most of it. We always do, but just know that all of you will be in my thoughts all day. I hope you all have an absolutely incredibly blessed Thanksgiving! Enjoy the time you have with your families! Enjoy every moment, every crazy and hectic moment! I would give anything for some crazy hectic moments this year. So I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and give thanks to the incredible amount of blessings you all have!!!

Day 133

Good Morning Everyone!!! I hope you all are having a great morning! I am trying to keep positive. I also had a discovery last night.....no matter how much I try to focus on just me, like I talked about last night, I will always put others first, and that's okay. I don't know why, but it's just how I am. I try to switch it off, but I just can't, and that's not a bad thing! You know, when I was in school, I was the person other people came to with problems. People would let me know what was going on, and I was just a good ear, shoulder, or hug that they needed. I am okay with being that. So I will continue to focus on me, but I will make sure to have a balance. And I will ALSO make sure to go to someone if I feel the need to talk to someone!

So I also know I keep saying that I don't really have anyone here....wah wah wah...right? I hate feeling sorry for myself. And then I had a shocking realization, I do have people. They know who they are, and I am so thankful for their support. It truly does keep me going every day. I know that working, eating right, going to they gym, taking care of Alayna and Hayden, and keeping a house clean is not all that much work, but sometimes it gets to be a lot. And I am so lucky to have these people in my life. I guess I just thought it was time to give some credit, where credit is due, so to you guys, I say THANK YOU! I have been so lucky to find people here, not many, but enough to make my days so much better!!!

So I'm trying to think of what the point of this post was supposed to be....early mornings tend to mess with my brain a little bit! I guess what it really comes down to, is I don't think I can change who I am. I will always put others first. I got it from my grandmother. I guess it is why I care so much about what others have to say about me, because I work so hard to make everyone else happy. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.....So I will continue to care about others, I will thank everyone for what they do (too much usually), and I will try my very best to still keep a focus on me!!!

So I think this post was a little rambly, but I hope it got my point across. I am happy to help others, and I thought that would be what I needed to focus on to make myself more focused, but it isn't. I need to focus on doing everything! I need to just spread myself evenly across everything! So in closing, have a great Wednesday and I will talk to all of you tomorrow!!!!

Day 130

Good Evening everyone. Is it completely ridiculous that I decided to decorate my house for Christmas today??? We put our tree up, and I will tell you, I think it's because I am so sad to be alone for the holidays this year. As happy and blessed as I am to get to spend it with Hayden and Alayna, it will be my first year without my mom, dad, sister, brother, and nephews. It will be weird. I love my family more than words can even amount to, so it will be strange not to spend this time of year with them. I told Hayden today that it's not that I want Christmas to last longer, it's that the tree is really just a symbol of family, love, laughter, and a true feeling of joy. So of course I want it up as soon as possible because really....it just makes me happy!!

After I started talking about the holidays, I began to get very sad. I took a hard look at my situation right now, and realize that all the friends I have...live very far away. I haven't really found anyone down here, and it is really starting to bring me down. I don't have people to hang out with on the weekends, or girls night with my friends anymore....I have Hayden and Alayna. So I think if I could just find some friends maybe the holidays wouldn't feel so lonely!!!

Alright, sob story over....I can't believe how late it is, I'm sorry for writing so late again everyone!!! I will talk with all of you tomorrow!!!

Day 128 - Weigh In

FINALLY!!!!!!! I finally saw the scale go down this week!!!!! I couldn't be happier about what I saw today. I am down 2.3 pounds for a total of 38.8 pounds GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was terrified to jump on the scale today, but turns out, it wasn't so scary!! I know this week has been crazy, and I am still feeling all the feelings I was feeling yesterday, but I feel better knowing that something is improving!!!

I sat down last night, and prayed about all my stress and worrying. I prayed for some peace of mind. I think right now, that is my biggest down fall, is that I worry too much. I stress out too easy. And most of all I think too deeply into things. I need to have some peace of mind with these things in life. God would not hand me anything I can not handle, and I have to hold true to that. If I don't, what else do I have??

I have been through a lot in life, and I tend to continue to let things weigh on me, far longer than they need to. I worry more than any other person I know, and I stress out easier than any other person I know. It's just how I have always been. How do I change that about myself? I know I get it from my grandmother, and I get wonderful things from her as well, but these are the two things I wish and try to change about myself, but am simply unable to. I have tried numerous things, and I still tend to come up short. So I guess for now I just keep trying. Like every other journey in my life I need to take time to do it. I have so much going on and I need to organize all my quirks I guess.

They make me who I am, but sometimes, they make me hate myself. They cause trouble at times. Sometimes, I need to just let go, and let God.....and I don't. I hold on and try to handle it all myself, and it NEVER works!!! So I guess as happy as I am today, I am still burdened (and pretty scatter brained too!). I hate feeling so much weight on my shoulders and still do nothing about it

So I am going to try to handle today one moment at a time, take time to celebrate the little things, and not stress or worry too much about the other things. Realize that they are out of my hands, and whatever happens, happens. No matter what I always stay true to myself....it makes me a stronger person.

I hope you all have an incredible Friday...enjoy the little things and don't worry about the big things!!!

Day 127

Good Morning-ish everyone. I have done a whole bunch of typing today, but for some reason I feel like typing some more. To fore warn, today's post is going to be pretty....I guess whiney is the word....but just having a bad couple days.

I love my job, I love my husband, I love my daughter, and I truly realize how blessed I am every day to be where I am. But there is one thing I don't like......and that is to be lied to. I have always been very perceptive and I know when things are not what they seem. So to not go into detail, I know something is going on, and that I am being lied to, and I DON'T LIKE IT....it is bringing me down and causing me to trip (metaphorically). I hate this feeling...so much!!! So I know I am being whiney-ish, but I just feel uneasy today. I hate it.

So on a some what good note, I am finally getting my eyes checked, after 3 years of wearing long past due glasses and contacts that are torn....I am going to get new contacts and glasses!!!! Finally!!!!! It has been hard to work out because I have had to wear my glasses, which are old prescriptions, which gives me a headache, which makes me sick when I work out!!! It's this spiraling cycle that makes life hard. If you have never had bad vision, it is hard to understand, but for all of you that do, wearing glasses that are not the correct prescription makes life in general more difficult. I struggle every day to see things, and I am finally doing something about it!!! I really need to get new glasses and some new, more comfortable contacts. SO I will update you all tomorrow on what he as to say, I'm sure he will be upset that I wore the same contacts for so long. So we will see!!

I am hopefully going to get a trial set that I can wear and be able to work out comfortably. I hate not being able to see every day, and having migraine after migraine, just from struggling to see!!!

I wanted to write one more thing today...I can see how may people read every day, and I am down to the single digits. I know my posts have been nothing to write home about lately, but I am trying! I am trying to write more deep posts, but at 9 pm, after a long day of work, it is hard to find motivation...you know? So I hope that I can win some of you back over...I promise to write a little heartier entries! I also promise that things will get better with me, and less wah wah wah!!! I can't wait to get to Disney, but I have a lot to do until then. I have not lost anything in far too long, and why would anyone want to read about a journey of someone who has basically given up. So that stops now! I promise!!!!! I hope you all continue to read and have full faith that this is just the beginning!!!

Day 125

Good Evening all!!!! I am keeping it really short today. A lot happened at work today that makes me sad, and angry, and frustrated, and a whole array of feelings that I don't want to attack today! So I am keeping them in for another day. I hope you all had an incredible day today and that you remember to keep your heads up in the best of situations.

Remember that of all the hats we wear, some are more important than others...please keep that in mind. I can't stress that enough to all of you. I wear a lot of hats.....Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Boss, Co-Worker, Photographer, Salesperson.....and so much more...but remember the ones that count the most!!

That is all I have to preach to you tonight. Just had a rough day and ready to get into bed!! Have a great sleep tonight everyone!!

Day 123

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! I will be very honest with all of you....I forgot to even think about writing today!! I was so caught up with work, and then when I got home....I wanted nothing more than to relax with Hayden and Alayna. I know that my commitment is still here, but I just wanted to spend the day with them, uninterrupted.

This next few weeks is going to be very very busy. I have to work on training a new hire, and making sure that my team is ready for the holidays. I also have to make sure that I am all ready to go for this Disney trip, so the posts will be just as frequent, but maybe a little shorter....and more scatter brained. But I WILL make it work!!!

I know some times I can get a bit distracted, but I promise I am still here. I promise I am still totally present and ready to do what comes at me. And I will try my very best to communicate that to all of you. So I know most of you won't get this until the morning, but I will write again tomorrow. A little more in detail, I promise!!!! Have a wonderful sleep tonight everyone!!

Day 122

I will be honest with all of you, I am tired. So I think I am keeping today short and sweet!

I hope you all had an awesome Saturday!!! I spent it partially at work and partially at home, so it could have been better! I had to get up early and head to work for something that never even happened, and then I went home and I cuddled up with Hayden and Alayna all day watching movies and playing games!

So I guess all in all it was an awesome day. I needed some time with Hayden and Alayna, so I did get that....and am continuing now, and must return to them!!!

Enjoy what is left of your evenings and I will catch all you crazy kids tomorrow!!!