Day 147

Good Evening everyone. I know I keep promising these long posts, but I just can't tonight. I have a had a long day, and I am just not feeling it tonight. I feel like that seems to be a very common these days. I feel like I'm just giving up on myself, and I feel like everyone else has already given up on me. It should motivate me, but I'm just running out of energy. I'm running out of "want". So I guess I just need to reassess what is going on with me.

I don't want everyone to give up on me, and more than anything I don't want to give up on myself. So please, don't take these last few days or weeks or however long it has been for me giving up. Take it as I am just finding my way. I am figuring out what I need to do to get where I need to be. I am trying....I really am!

So I guess this is my plea...I am still here...I am still trying (I am just hitting my bottom)....I'm ready to start digging my way out, I guess! So I am leaving you with those words for the night. Have a great evening everyone, and I will write tomorrow.

Day 128 - Weigh In

FINALLY!!!!!!! I finally saw the scale go down this week!!!!! I couldn't be happier about what I saw today. I am down 2.3 pounds for a total of 38.8 pounds GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was terrified to jump on the scale today, but turns out, it wasn't so scary!! I know this week has been crazy, and I am still feeling all the feelings I was feeling yesterday, but I feel better knowing that something is improving!!!

I sat down last night, and prayed about all my stress and worrying. I prayed for some peace of mind. I think right now, that is my biggest down fall, is that I worry too much. I stress out too easy. And most of all I think too deeply into things. I need to have some peace of mind with these things in life. God would not hand me anything I can not handle, and I have to hold true to that. If I don't, what else do I have??

I have been through a lot in life, and I tend to continue to let things weigh on me, far longer than they need to. I worry more than any other person I know, and I stress out easier than any other person I know. It's just how I have always been. How do I change that about myself? I know I get it from my grandmother, and I get wonderful things from her as well, but these are the two things I wish and try to change about myself, but am simply unable to. I have tried numerous things, and I still tend to come up short. So I guess for now I just keep trying. Like every other journey in my life I need to take time to do it. I have so much going on and I need to organize all my quirks I guess.

They make me who I am, but sometimes, they make me hate myself. They cause trouble at times. Sometimes, I need to just let go, and let God.....and I don't. I hold on and try to handle it all myself, and it NEVER works!!! So I guess as happy as I am today, I am still burdened (and pretty scatter brained too!). I hate feeling so much weight on my shoulders and still do nothing about it

So I am going to try to handle today one moment at a time, take time to celebrate the little things, and not stress or worry too much about the other things. Realize that they are out of my hands, and whatever happens, happens. No matter what I always stay true to myself....it makes me a stronger person.

I hope you all have an incredible Friday...enjoy the little things and don't worry about the big things!!!

Day 68

Good Morning. I had a very early start to this Monday morning so I promised I would write! I unfortunately did not go to the gym yesterday evening because I realized I had to be up so early. So It didn't seem to make sense to keep myself exhausted today. So tonight I will be going since I am off early today! I am going to try the bike again. Especially since I have another doctors appointment Thursday.

It is nothing special, just going to try and get an Ortho referral. Hopefully they will look over the scans with me so I can at least see what is going on with the muscle. Which apparently is where the damage is. SO hopefully I am on my way to some answers this week!!

So I think these last couple weeks I have let my frustrations get the best of me, and this week I REFUSE to let that happen again. No matter what the numbers say, or what I am fitting in, I am making a change some how.

Alright, time to get the baby up and ready, and time for me to head out to work! I hope you all have a wonderful Monday and keep positive this week!!!

Day 64

Good evening everyone. I am keeping it really really short tonight. I am in one foul mood and don't want to stay on for too long. I just don't have it in me to keep my attitude up and staying happy today.

I had a really awful day at work and found out some things that were very hurtful that I am just needing to think about tonight. I hope you all understand.

Tomorrow is weigh in day, so hopefully after a good nights sleep I can think a little more clearly tomorrow. Have a good night everyone....

Day 62

Good Morning everyone. I was up nice and early today to go get an MRI and X-Rays done on my ankle. Hopefully I will be getting some answers quickly and I can be well on my way to healing!!

I am so nervous to just find out what is going on. I feel like I have been waiting for some time now, since this pain has started really, and now that it is here, I am just worried about what it is going to say. Hopefully it is something that can be fixed easily and won't put me out any longer than necessary. I know that it has been a crazy month or so and I am just hoping that this helps things go just a little bit better!

I sit here and think of how happy I am with how life is going right now. I know that I talk a lot about getting down, and I was down yesterday morning, but I feel like I have no reason to be down! I have so many things going for me in my life, that why would I be down??? It would be selfish of me to not be happy with everything that is going better for me. Sometimes I find that I am so worried about everyone else that I don't stop to think about how well things are going for me and just how happy I should be. I want to be happy and there is no reason I shouldn't be. I have to stop letting small things get in my way of feeling like that.

I am keeping it fairly short today because I am so on edge waiting for Hayden's call about this morning. So I will let you all know tomorrow what is going on! Have a wonderful Tuesday!

Day 58 - Weigh In

Weigh in day...it's finally here. Seems like since I started back to work, it is happening more often than not! But it keeps me on my toes! So I was thinking today that maybe I would make all of you wait until the VERY END of this post to see what I weighed in at this week. But then I assumed that people would just scroll to the bottom, read, and then scroll back up and read the rest. So go ahead everyone.....scroll to the bottom of the page....read my numbers.................


Tricked you...I am going to put them right here! This week I weighed in 2.9 lbs. down for a total of 28.8 lbs. down in 58 days! Again, it wasn't quite where I wanted to be, but I will take 28.8 over 0 any day of the week!!!!

So for all of you that scrolled down for nothing, I apologize. Just feeling in a cheerful mood this morning! I woke up feeling tired, down, and ready to just crawl back into bed. Until I went to get my morning shake and I saw something on my fridge. It's a little card from my Nonnie's funeral and it says:

God hath not promised

skies always blue. Flowers strewn

pathways all our lives through;

God hath not promised

sun without rain, joy without sorrow,

peace without pain. 

But God hath promised 

strength for the day, rest for the labor,

light for the way, grace for the trials,

help from above, unfailing sympathy,

undying love.

It was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Nonnie always has a way of coming into my life exactly when I need her. When things weren't going well, and I really needed to get a job, she was there. I know I have a guardian angel watching over me through all of this. So because I know she is reading or listening, thank you. Thank you for guiding me when you knew I needed it, and allowing me to figure things out on my own when you knew that was what was best for me. You have always had a faith and love in me that was unexplainable. You have pushed me through this journey more than I ever thought possible, because you weren't here, but I found out you are always here. It is just how you choose to make yourself present, that makes me see you now. So, thank you.

And thank YOU! All of you have kept on pushing. When I'm down, injured, sick, failing, or even just happy and having you share in that! This journey is hard. Anyone who has ever been through it, or tried and stumbled, knows it is a hard thing to do. You are changing your entire life around to adapt to a new way of life. So thank you all for sticking with me!

Have a wonderful Friday! Enjoy your family, friends, and even co-workers. They are what make you who you are, and keep you on the journey you are on. Don't ever forget that!

Day 57

Another morning up early and post late. I don't know what I need to do to get up early and just write! I have been working 12 hour days lately, and they just have me so tired. Tomorrow is weigh in day, and I can honestly say I think I am about the same as last week. I have been fluctuating all week and it just hasn't been enjoyable to see. So hopefully I can turn it around this next week.

I have felt very hopeless this week because of not being able to work out. It has been a very painful week because I am both in pain from my ankle hurting and in emotional pain from not working out. I just really want to get back in the gym, and my body is telling me it's not ready to go back. So I sit and wait until my ankle is ready to run again. I have been doing abs and arms until then, but it is just not sufficing me. I WANT/NEED to get back in that gym on the elliptical and on the treadmill and the stepper and rower. I'm tired of being at a stand still.

I know have been complaining about this a lot lately, but it is what I am feeling. I can't help but feel so angry with my results. I am angry with how my body is treating me after I try to help it to feel better and healthier. I am ANGRY with the results that are showing up while I am not working out like I want. And I just need to figure out how to get past all this anger.

I wish I could tell you all I went back to the gym yesterday, but I couldn't. I was just in too much pain. I couldn't help but feel like I was about to break apart as soon as I started just stretching to run. SO I think I just need to focus on very healing thoughts. Hopefully that will benefit me in the long run.

Alright...enough rambling from me. I am finally home from work, and I want to relax. You all do the same! Talk to you tomorrow AM for weigh in day!

Day 56

Well....I am late again today!!! I apologize, it was an early day at work today, but at least I am home now and relaxing. I have decided today is definitely going to be a very short post since I have some very much needed time with Alayna. It is very rare that I am home with her, so I want to take advantage of it!!

So I am headed back to the gym tonight for the first time in a little under a week (since I hurt my ankle), and we will see how it goes. I am in a pretty severe amount of pain, but I'm hoping it is something I can work through.

I know what you all are thinking, "You need to take time off to heal". I feel like I have taken the time I need and I just need to get back in the gym and see how it goes. I need to feel like I am doing something other than just eating healthy!!

Okay......I told you it was going to be short, I wasn't kidding!!! Off to spend time with my favorite little girl! Have a wonderful rest of the day!

Day 48

So the illness that Hayden and I were holding onto finally got Alayna yesterday. Her temperature was much higher than it has ever been with a cold and reached up into the 102's. I hate seeing her so miserable and unhappy so luckily today Hayden gets to stay home with her to make her feel a little bit better (although she keeps asking for Riley, our babysitter's daughter). So hopefully tomorrow she will feel better and be able to play all day.

It was so nice getting to spend the day just Alayna and I yesterday. I really do miss that. We played, did our nails, and watched movies. It was the perfect day (other than being sick). So much of my motivation comes from all of you but even more so from her. Every day I look into that face and realize that I NEED to be around as long as possible for that little girl. And I am taking every possible step to make sure that is possible.

I sometimes have to take a reality check and figure out how I have made it this far. It seems now, more than ever, I have had some really bad cravings, and have almost given into them. I have come so close to just ordering that piece of pizza, or carb loaded lunch, or something even worse. I have come close to drinking that pop, lemonade, or tea....I hate those feelings. I know that I will some day be in control of them, but right now, I feel very out of control. I hope that the cravings get easier. I am tired of constantly feeling that struggle when I say no to things.

I am signing off early today, still have to work and get the baby comfortable before I go. I hope you all have a wonderful day! And thank you again for all of your kind words yesterday!! I was so honored that you all had such wonderful things to say! Have a wonderful day!

Day 46

So today I decided I wanted to talk about my frustrations as of late. I am so frustrated with where I am right now. Every day I look at myself in the mirror and am so unhappy with who I see. I know she is different than the girl that I was when I started, but I still see her. I still see that girl from 46 days ago that was so unhappy. I still feel like that girl. How do I STOP from feeling like her? And then when I do feel like her, it makes me want to hole up in a corner and just cry. I know these feelings are normal but I am so tired of getting them. I am no where near where I want to be in this journey and I don't know how to get there. I wanted to be well over 35 lbs. down by now and I am still a far ways away from that. I thought I could do it, and now I'm thinking I can't. And 35 lbs at this point is nothing compared to where I really need to be. So now I'm stuck with this feeling of not being good enough to meet my goal and what if I can't meet my goal by the time we need to go on our trip in December. I would be so unhappy that I did all this work for nothing.

I know this post is a little "venty", but it's how I'm feeling. I am just really really frustrated with myself. I am really unhappy today. Maybe it's that I'm sick, or tired from working so much, or just overworked with this crazy busy schedule. But what I do know is that I have to kick this feeling and quick! I can't let it get the best of me, or I will be able to see it in my numbers next Friday! So hopefully today it will be a nice slow work day and I can keep calm and focus on what my goal really is.

Maybe if I actually take those before and during pictures I was talking about, it might give me a little bit of push. Sometimes my eye can't see exactly what is there, but a photograph captures it a little better. And a side by side is always easier to see results in. So I will do those tomorrow....with my day off. You will get to see where I started and where I am, and you all can be the judge of if I'm just crazy, or there really is nothing to see!!

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone! I'm going to try to keep calm and count my positives today!

Day 42

So I finally got my work schedule....and let me tell you...this next two weeks they were not kidding about filling me full of as much information as possible! I have two weeks to learn everything I possibly can! And it is amazing how much information there is! Just the daily routines alone are something to be baffled by! I know that I will get to the point that I need to be at, but it is a daunting task right now. I am beginning to get stressed, and I haven't even fully been into my position yet.

I have to get used to these early mornings and early bed times. Before I had my job I was going to bed way too late and sleeping in a little later. But it is amazing that even if I am not going to the gym (for now), a good nights sleep can do wonders for you! SO that is my preachy point for the day. No matter if you eat healthy, go to the gym, stay active during the day, if you DON'T go to bed early and get a good nights sleep, you are NOT going to get as good of results! So I think this may actually be a blessing in disguise! Once I finally get into a routine of things and I am able to figure out this schedule comfortably, I think I will be A-okay!!

I would love to hear how all of you balance a diet, work life, and workout life into your daily routine! I am simply getting overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do both at work and home that I just am too scared to take time away from that. I only really get to see Alayna for an hour or so at the end of the day, and with working weekends too, I don't see her or Hayden then either. It's quite the sacrifice working moms make and on top of that add a working mom who wants to work out? I know it is possible, I have seen other moms do it! I just need to find what works for me, and I WILL figure that out soon!

SO while I figure this whole thing out, I can not be more appreciative of all of you to support me through this. All of you loyal readers....you mean the world to me and I honestly think I would have given up by now, if it weren't for you! So thank you everyone....for pushing me and motivating me!!

Have an amazing Wednesday everyone!

Day 40

Day 40 Everyone??? Can you even believe it?? I know I can definitely not believe it. I will say, as I start my job today, I am overwhelmingly nervous. I mean who isn't nervous on the first day of work? But today I can't help but be just a little extra nervous. I'm leaving Alayna today, which I am so upset about. And I am starting a new position that I know little about and will need an insane amount of training. So at this point I'm just hoping I do well!

I have now run into the problem of when to go to the gym. I am nervous that I will come up with excuses, forget to go, or be too tired. I know that I WANT to go no matter what, but there is no telling how I am going to feel after work. So I just want to see how this first week goes and then go from there. At least I know I can be in control of the one thing that is just as important as going to the gym, and that is my diet. No matter what happens, I am in charge of that. No bad snacking, eating out, or eating anything that is processed and awful for you. I can take charge of that above all else!

So I am keeping it short today, simply because I have lots to do before work. But I did promise a recipe and I will not let you down. It's a recipe for Grilled Chicken Wraps!!

1 lb. chicken tenderloins
2 Whole grain flatbread wraps
4 cups shredded lettuce
1 tomato (diced)
2/3 cup low fat mozzarella cheese shredded
2 T. low cal. ranch

Season and grill the chicken (we had to do indoor grill because of weather). Cut and separate into 3 oz. servings. Put 2 cups shredded lettuce onto each wrap plus half the tomato, half the cheese, and 1T. ranch on each. We made ours more like Tacos, but you could probably make it like a panini wrap as well. We also made our chicken buffalo style by adding 3 T. of Frank's.

It's not very in-depth, but it was delicious and low calorie!!! Well I am off to my first day of work everyone!! Wish me luck!

Day 22

Almost Friday...which means almost weigh in!!

I can honestly say that I am not nervous. I'm ready for the weigh in. If I lose weight, GREAT, if I don't, that's okay too. I'm changing my life, and that is all that matters!

I have decided that I will post some before and afters at week 8. I am starting to kind of see it in the mirror, but I really have to force myself to see it. There are a lot of things that sparked this whole journey. One picture in particular did it. Hayden had his promotion ceremony and we took a picture as a family. I usually avoid that if all possible. But I couldn't get out of it this time. I was embarrassed looking at them. I knew it was time to change everything. I was unhappy. I spend all my time avoiding mirrors. When I FaceTime with my family, I won't even get on the camera because I hate how I look. And that's not healthy.

It's not easy to be this way. You get made fun of, snickered at, and get really sad when shopping. I can remember as a child going to JCPenney, and heading to the juniors section to look at Mudd bellbottoms. But every pair I tried on, didn't fit. It was really hard as a young teen to feel so disappointed in your body. I then only shopped at one store, because I knew they had a size that would fit me. I could never wear the cute clothes the other kids could. For once, I want to go into a store...find something with out going aaaalll the way back to the back of the rack and hope that I can wear it. What's so strange, is I love fashion. I love design and new clothes, but I can't wear any of it. I hope that I can get there someday!

I have never really made that public before, so that is one more step in the right direction!! I usually keep those things between Hayden and I. He has seen me go out and get so frustrated and just leave with nothing because it is too emotional. I want to be able to go into a dressing room and be upset because they are all too big and I have to go a size down (Like I would EVER be upset something was too big lol). So some day I will get there. I know that this isn't a sprint, but a marathon....and someday I am going to be so proud of all the work that I put in!!

Have a great Thursday everyone! Can't wait for weigh in tomorrow!!!