Day 79 - Weigh In

Good Morning Everyone!! Unfortunately I don't come bearing good news about losing 2-3 pounds. This week I have only lost .6 pounds for a total of 32.7 pounds. Which, no I am not as happy as I would like to be, BUT.....I am .6 pounds closer to my goal, so how could I possibly be upset??

I have been thinking lately of before I started and where I am now. I can't believe how far I have come in just 79 days. It is absolutely unreal to me that I have been able to change my body, life, and routine in such (what feels like) a short amount of time. I don't ever want to go back to that person. I am no where near where I really want to be, but I am a better person than I was.

I can remember in High School and even in Elementary school being so unhappy with myself. I remember when kids would snicker and call me names. Even my own friends would whisper. But somehow it just wasn't enough for me to want to change, instead I just got sad and would eat more. I remember when girls would trade and borrow clothes in school and I could never do that with anyone. I was never able to share because I couldn't ever fit into their stuff.

I always wondered if my weight was what made me unpopular. I can remember in grade school how much I envied the popular kids, and I always wanted to be in that group. Was it my weight that held me back? Or was it just me? Who knows....I mean I've always been kind of a nerd, and that is something I am finally coping with and accepting....if not embracing! But I think as an adult I look back on all of those experiences and think, "Shame on them....". I was a beautiful girl who was smart in her own way, I was nice, I always liked putting others in front of myself, and somehow they couldn't look past that? Shame on them. I punished myself for years because of how I was treated then, and I should have NEVER done that. There was never anything that was wrong with me.

So as I continue in my adult life, and still see people with that attitude, I no longer yearn to be a part of that "popular girl group". I feel sorry that they will never be able to be honest with themselves and others. It makes me feel like I am so lucky to be living the life I am living!

I apologize for jumping down memory lane on this post, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope you all have a wonderful Friday!! Enjoy your night and be good everyone!!!

Day 68

Good Morning. I had a very early start to this Monday morning so I promised I would write! I unfortunately did not go to the gym yesterday evening because I realized I had to be up so early. So It didn't seem to make sense to keep myself exhausted today. So tonight I will be going since I am off early today! I am going to try the bike again. Especially since I have another doctors appointment Thursday.

It is nothing special, just going to try and get an Ortho referral. Hopefully they will look over the scans with me so I can at least see what is going on with the muscle. Which apparently is where the damage is. SO hopefully I am on my way to some answers this week!!

So I think these last couple weeks I have let my frustrations get the best of me, and this week I REFUSE to let that happen again. No matter what the numbers say, or what I am fitting in, I am making a change some how.

Alright, time to get the baby up and ready, and time for me to head out to work! I hope you all have a wonderful Monday and keep positive this week!!!

Day 67

Good morning, and happy Sunday to everyone! Hope you are all having a wonderful day and enjoying your time with your family. I have been blessed with two days off in a row with Hayden and Alayna. We are spending the day cleaning and watching movies and football together! It's nice to just be able to relax with each other.

After the day that we had yesterday, how happy I was, I have carried that out to today. I am having a wonderful day with my family and just trying to take advantage of it as much as possible. I am going to go to the gym tonight and then have a nice early day at work tomorrow morning. So we are going to relax all day together!

I don't want to take up too much of your time today because YOU TOO should be taking advantage of family time. I have realized through all of this that this is what is most important!!! Making the most of the time I have with them, and making sure I am around for them for as long as possible!!! That is what this is allll about! Being around for them and being able to take care of them as best I can.

Alright everyone, I am done! Have a wonderful day with your family and friends! And enjoy all the football you would like!

Day 66

Good evening everyone! Things are a little better today, but it was my day off and I wanted to give it entirely to Hayden and Alayna. Now I don't want to take too much of your Saturday evening up, but I did want to talk a little bit about my shopping experience today.

I had to go to Old Navy because my current pants can fit about 2 and a half people in them. So I decided to pick out two other pairs of pants and let me tell you, I was able to actually button up a pair of pants two sizes smaller than what I have been wearing!!! I haven't worn this size since I was in high school!!! It completely turned around my attitude I have had the last couple days.

I apologize for my very negative posts as of lately. I have just been down and feeling sorry for myself. I need to wipe that attitude from my mind! I need to be happier about the progress I've made, not negative about the bumps I hit in the road! So thank you all for your kind words, they have really helped! I hope to really start seeing more results as I ease back into my gym routines!!

Have a wonderful Saturday night!!!

Day 55

Day 55......already???? I don't even believe it! It doesn't feel like it has been that long already! I know towards the beginning of this journey, I made a list of why I was doing this. Some of those things have changed, and some have stayed the same, and I have also added to that list. I thought maybe today I would take a look at that list and remind myself why I want to be this new person so bad....

• Alayna....she is so important to me, and I know that she is (other than myself) the biggest reason I want to change.
• Hayden, of course. I want him to get the best possible version of me that is possible.
• My family....they also deserve the most amazing daughter and sister and aunt that is possible. So I need to be healthy and happy for them.
• To go shopping and not walk out of the store crying. Being able to shop at the same store as Hayden. I've never been able to, and I would love to not have to go to a special store just because I can't fit in the ones where he is (the clothes, not the store...that would be ridiculous!).
• Disney world!!!!! To be able to fit in the rides and keep up with my family. I want to make the most out of this trip, and if that means being healthy and happy, so be it!
• Fitting into a nice swimsuit without having to wear a cover up or tshirt the whole time!!
• To have some ABS!!!!! This one is self explanatory!
• Being able to keep up with Alayna and letting nothing hold me back!!
• Being able to wear heels and not feel like I'm going to fall down with every step!
• To feel comfortable in front of the camera, not just behind it.

So I changed and expanded some of the list, but they are all still relevant. I just feel like there is so much left to change, but still so much that has. I most of all, more than anything on this list, just want to be 100% happy and healthy with myself. I just want to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend, and person I can possibly be. I hope that I can constantly keep these goals in mind even when I am feeling down. 

All of you, don't forget why you start something. I know sometimes we get so blinded by what we want...like that pizza, or drink, or whatever else is something you LOVE, but you just have to remember why you started. And don't EVER forget where you came from...it will help push you through any road block you come across.

Day 53

Good Morning Everyone! Happy Sunday!!!!

Today is yet again, another day of work. I fortunately got a nice night of sleep, and looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, saw someone who was happy. I feel pretty and feel like I'm looking good. Now, by no means am I even 1/1000th of the way through this journey, but I'm that much closer!!! I am finally able to look in the mirror and see someone who actually wants to see themselves.

So these last few days I have been pretty upset with how things have been playing out. I am upset that I have to take a week off. I'm upset that I can't spend more time at home, and I'm upset that I'm still stuck in certain clothes. But then.....I put on a bra from about 4 years ago today....and it fit perfectly! I took pictures today (I do periodically just so I can see how I'm doing) and I couldn't believe what I saw. It's incredible how looking in the mirror, I can't really see anything, but when I compare the pictures side by side, I can see it so much clearer. I guess my eyes are so set on seeing what I hate to see, and not all of the incredible changes that have happened.

I told Hayden I think it is time to start shopping for new pants, but I am really scared how it will go. I hate how shopping has become this feared thing to me. I always go in and see all the clothes I want to be wearing, and decide to just leave as to not embarrass myself....I just don't want that to happen. So I will give you all an update on how that goes after it happens!!!

I have to go get ready for work, but you all have a wonderful Sunday!!

Day 39

You all didn't think I was going to post today huh?? Well I did!!! I've just been really busy trying to find a full time babysitter for Alayna. It's been so fun....

On another note...a much happier one...today I put on a shirt that I haven't put on in weeks. When I would wear it before I had to wear a shirt underneath it because the buttons would pop open or spread apart to see under the shirt. I always had kind of a hard time wearing button ups because of that. But today...I put the shirt on, without an undershirt, and it fit beautifully!! It actually is a little big in the top part!!!!! I am over the moon about it! Any one who has known me knows...I am well endowed. Always have been. And I would be more than overjoyed if those things choose to leave. I hate them!! So to put a button up shirt on and not need an undershirt on, or have to keep it only buttoned half way because it is too small around the chest....is such a big thing! I am just so excited!!!

It's these small "NSV's" as you call them that keep me going (non-scale victories). Like being able to run around with Alayna outside and not getting out of breath. Fitting into clothes I couldn't before. Feeling muscles I didn't even know I had. I'm just starting to really feel and see a change and let me tell you, I LOVE it!! I love it all and it just keeps me going and going!

I am going to have to keep today short because we have some people coming in to interview for the babysitting position, but I PROMISE tomorrow I will have a more in depth post and a recipe included. I am starting my job tomorrow as well and I am beyond nervous about it! So wish me luck and I will write again tomorrow!!

Day 22

Almost Friday...which means almost weigh in!!

I can honestly say that I am not nervous. I'm ready for the weigh in. If I lose weight, GREAT, if I don't, that's okay too. I'm changing my life, and that is all that matters!

I have decided that I will post some before and afters at week 8. I am starting to kind of see it in the mirror, but I really have to force myself to see it. There are a lot of things that sparked this whole journey. One picture in particular did it. Hayden had his promotion ceremony and we took a picture as a family. I usually avoid that if all possible. But I couldn't get out of it this time. I was embarrassed looking at them. I knew it was time to change everything. I was unhappy. I spend all my time avoiding mirrors. When I FaceTime with my family, I won't even get on the camera because I hate how I look. And that's not healthy.

It's not easy to be this way. You get made fun of, snickered at, and get really sad when shopping. I can remember as a child going to JCPenney, and heading to the juniors section to look at Mudd bellbottoms. But every pair I tried on, didn't fit. It was really hard as a young teen to feel so disappointed in your body. I then only shopped at one store, because I knew they had a size that would fit me. I could never wear the cute clothes the other kids could. For once, I want to go into a store...find something with out going aaaalll the way back to the back of the rack and hope that I can wear it. What's so strange, is I love fashion. I love design and new clothes, but I can't wear any of it. I hope that I can get there someday!

I have never really made that public before, so that is one more step in the right direction!! I usually keep those things between Hayden and I. He has seen me go out and get so frustrated and just leave with nothing because it is too emotional. I want to be able to go into a dressing room and be upset because they are all too big and I have to go a size down (Like I would EVER be upset something was too big lol). So some day I will get there. I know that this isn't a sprint, but a marathon....and someday I am going to be so proud of all the work that I put in!!

Have a great Thursday everyone! Can't wait for weigh in tomorrow!!!