Day 162

Alright everyone, another night of confessions coming your way! I hate admitting this one, but it's something I have to do to really feel like I'm starting fresh this year........I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks. Probably since I got home from Disney World is the last time I weighed myself. I have been so worried about what I am going to see what I get on that scale, that I have just been avoiding it all together. So for now, I am going to just breath deep breaths tomorrow and see what it says. I will continue to weigh in on Fridays, I preferred it really, but I will have a official weigh in next week. Tomorrow will just be me getting on the scale to see a "start-ish" point. I don't want to say that I am starting completely over, because I have made progress, I just.....digressed a little bit along the way. So tomorrow...I jump on that scale and will brave it just like other week. And KNOW that it will be going down the week after that.

So I am heading back into the place I fear so much, which is the grocery store....I don't like going in just because there is just so much temptation that lurks around every corner. There are so many options to derail me, that I just hate going. I know that there are foods that are good for me there, but come on....bunch of chocolate cookies is going to look much better than cup of carrots. I mean who doesn't agree with me on that one???? So I will venture back in tonight and see what lies in store for me.

I also am headed back to the gym tonight. As tired as I know I am, I know what is more important to me. And what will always be more important to me, is making sure that I am healthy and happy, and around for forever with Alayna!!

So I leave you all with a thought, what changes are you making in your lives for the better this year? Now, I made a resolution on top of this change, to be a better person....that means mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. Sometimes I get distracted with things that I can be a bad one of the above, and this year, I want to change that. I also want to live by one of my favorite TV show quotes.....I leave you with that tonight to think about...it's my new years goal!!

Day 160

Good Evening everyone!!! I hope you all had a great Christmas! Ours was definitely interesting! Alayna got very sick on Christmas Eve, Christmas and finished it off today. And then I got a cold/cough and her stomach bug on top of it...it's been a really fun couple days! Poor Hayden has had to take care of us for the past three days. He's been such a good nurse to us!!!

I hope you all had a very blessed day yesterday!! As sick as we were, we had a great first Christmas by ourselves! It was quiet and different, but it was great! It was nice to get time off to relax and just have a day as a family!

We had a nice healthy dinner and we were very good yesterday. I decided once I get back to better, and not feeling like my insides are going to die, I am back in the gym. I got a ton of workout clothes for Christmas, and I can't wait to wear them! And the only place to wear them, would be at the gym!!

I have decided 2014 has to be my year. I make changes constantly, and I "stick to it", and then I fail....but this year is different. I WILL make 2014 my year. I mean I have made it this far, it would be a shame to have to start all over again right? SO I will make this work. And once my work schedule settles down, it will be that much easier. I am so ready to get back to the way things were before.

So I hope you all had a great Christmas, and I hope you all are preparing for the New Year, the Kennedy family sure is!! Hopefully I will be able to write a longer post tomorrow! Goodnight everyone!!!!

Day 149 - Weigh In

So...I know I skipped a day of weighing in last week, due to the holiday, but I got back on that scale today...and let me tell you, I was terrified. I had felt as if I had put it all back on. I haven't been eating like I should be. I have been eating more emotionally than normal. So when I got on the scale this morning and saw that I had lost 1.6 pounds bringing my total back up to 39.5. It was exactly what I needed to kind of get me out of this funk.

I am not going to put on all smiles and say I am all better, but I am definitely on my way to being there. I feel better today. I feel more positive. I feel like this can all be managed. Which is the first time in a long time I have felt this way.

I know that a ton of people have stopped reading because this blog changed from what it originally was. But to be honest, I think this is exactly what I intended it to be. Somewhere that I could vent my daily problems to, while also taking myself on this incredible journey. I am still very much on that journey, it's just become more of a struggle than I thought it would be.

I am doing my best to play this big balancing act. I am doing my best to also keep sane through all of this. So I hope that you all can bear with me, and see that this is a journey for me. This is unlike any changes I have made in my life before and I am more than committed to it. Even if I say I quit some days, that means nothing, because I am more than committed. It's okay to slip every once in a while...but I ALWAYS get back up!!

Have a wonderful Friday everyone. I will try my best to stay more upbeat from here on out!!!

Day 145

Good Morning everyone!! I woke up with a bit of a better attitude today. I am trying my best to think optimistically. I have a lot going on before Disney, and as my sister has put it so simply, I just need to make some lists and go through them! That will help organize and attack what I need to get done!!! Sometimes I find that lists help me more than anything else. Maybe that's how I should attack everything in life?? With lists!

I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday weekend. It brought on a lot of thoughts of family and holidays. I am so thankful that I was able to spend it with Hayden and Alayna and even made a couple new friends. But it truly felt like things were missing. We are so blessed that we live this life rather independently, and are lucky to do that. I love my family and I truly have the best one around, so I know that no matter how near or far we are from each other, we love each other and can feel that from any distance!!! So maybe if I just keep an attitude like that for the holidays, that will help!

Now, Christmas is literally right around the corner and I am getting ready for that as well. Last night Hayden and I talked about my gym schedule! It's been a little much with all this holiday planning, so I am trying my best to do as much at home, as well as being able to go to the gym a couple days a week. SO right now, that is the game plan! Do as much as possible so the holidays will be as awesome as possible!!

Alright, today was a bit rambly! I know it was shorter than I promised, but I only have a little bit of time left with Alayna and I want to enjoy it! I hope you all have a great day!!!

Day 130

Good Evening everyone. Is it completely ridiculous that I decided to decorate my house for Christmas today??? We put our tree up, and I will tell you, I think it's because I am so sad to be alone for the holidays this year. As happy and blessed as I am to get to spend it with Hayden and Alayna, it will be my first year without my mom, dad, sister, brother, and nephews. It will be weird. I love my family more than words can even amount to, so it will be strange not to spend this time of year with them. I told Hayden today that it's not that I want Christmas to last longer, it's that the tree is really just a symbol of family, love, laughter, and a true feeling of joy. So of course I want it up as soon as possible because really....it just makes me happy!!

After I started talking about the holidays, I began to get very sad. I took a hard look at my situation right now, and realize that all the friends I have...live very far away. I haven't really found anyone down here, and it is really starting to bring me down. I don't have people to hang out with on the weekends, or girls night with my friends anymore....I have Hayden and Alayna. So I think if I could just find some friends maybe the holidays wouldn't feel so lonely!!!

Alright, sob story over....I can't believe how late it is, I'm sorry for writing so late again everyone!!! I will talk with all of you tomorrow!!!

Day 125

Good Evening all!!!! I am keeping it really short today. A lot happened at work today that makes me sad, and angry, and frustrated, and a whole array of feelings that I don't want to attack today! So I am keeping them in for another day. I hope you all had an incredible day today and that you remember to keep your heads up in the best of situations.

Remember that of all the hats we wear, some are more important than others...please keep that in mind. I can't stress that enough to all of you. I wear a lot of hats.....Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife, Friend, Boss, Co-Worker, Photographer, Salesperson.....and so much more...but remember the ones that count the most!!

That is all I have to preach to you tonight. Just had a rough day and ready to get into bed!! Have a great sleep tonight everyone!!

Day 123

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! I will be very honest with all of you....I forgot to even think about writing today!! I was so caught up with work, and then when I got home....I wanted nothing more than to relax with Hayden and Alayna. I know that my commitment is still here, but I just wanted to spend the day with them, uninterrupted.

This next few weeks is going to be very very busy. I have to work on training a new hire, and making sure that my team is ready for the holidays. I also have to make sure that I am all ready to go for this Disney trip, so the posts will be just as frequent, but maybe a little shorter....and more scatter brained. But I WILL make it work!!!

I know some times I can get a bit distracted, but I promise I am still here. I promise I am still totally present and ready to do what comes at me. And I will try my very best to communicate that to all of you. So I know most of you won't get this until the morning, but I will write again tomorrow. A little more in detail, I promise!!!! Have a wonderful sleep tonight everyone!!

Day 112

Good Evening everyone. I got done with work early today, and it was so nice to spend some time with Alayna. Although, I woke up with such a wonderful cold today, so I'm not feeling so well. Headed to the store now to grab the essentials. But I am lucky I have off tomorrow to kind of prepare myself. I am excited that tomorrow is Halloween, even though it is really my least favorite holiday, I love getting Alayna all ready to go. She is so excited!! She still has not decided between her two costumes. She is deciding daily what she wants to be, and whatever the verdict is tomorrow night, is what we will go with!!

I really am not into Halloween at all, but I will be walking around with Alayna and saying trick or treat!! I remember our first Halloween how I looked at the pictures and was so unhappy with myself. I felt like I looked ridiculous. I was unhappy and miserable and just all around angry with myself. This Halloween, it was so nice to be in front of the camera. I don't know why, but I am just enjoying taking pictures with Alayna and Hayden now. I like seeing myself...and I NEVER thought I would think that way.

I guess things change as you change, and I sure am changing! I hope you all have a wonderful evening. I am going to curl up with some chicken noodle soup and some hot tea and relax. Until tomorrow!

Day 101

Hello Everyone!!! Today my dad and I did our walk, and let me tell you, it was AWESOME!!! We even ran some of it!!!! It felt nice to get back in my running shoes and have fun with it!! Granted not many people were running, we finished in the top 25! It was so nice to have that experience with my dad. He even at one point said, "Our first race together!!" and I replied with, "And I can't wait till our last one at Disney!". Because remember...that's my goal, to at some point finish a half marathon or maybe even a marathon with my Dad!

It wasn't the longest run I've ever done, and it probably wasn't my best, but I had a blast! We walked all around before the race and then walked/ran the whole thing together. It was for such a great cause too. I even thought right before I started running, "This is for you Mom!". What a powerful group of women to run for. I am so happy we picked that race to do.

So as I help my dad cook dinner and I enjoy my last day and a half with them, I think of how far I have come. I am so excited to be on this journey and for them to be such a huge part of it!

Enjoy your Saturday everyone!! I know I am...small little shout out to my Mom and Dad for coming to visit. This has been such an incredible visit so far, I wish it never had to end. Thank you for all you do, and thank you for supporting me in all that I do, as crazy as some of it seems sometimes. I wouldn't be an ounce of the person I am today with out you. I am on this journey because you have supported me through it.

Have a good Saturday Night Everyone!

Day 98

Hello everyone! I know this is a very late post, but I was trying my best to enjoy my time with my Mom and Dad since they just drove in today. It was nice being able to have lunch with them and going to dinner as well. As much as I wish I wasn't working while they were here, I am stuck working Friday still. At least I have the rest of the weekend off to spend with them. Alayna is so over the moon with them being here. It's nice to see her so excited!

So tomorrow morning is my doctors appointment and I want to be well rested for it. I will write as soon as I am done with the doctor. Hopefully it's all good news, and I am just fine!! I know this is a short post, but I just want to enjoy my time with my parents!!

Have a great night everyone!!!

Day 87

Good Evening everyone!! I had to work today, and I was unable to write this morning. I was too tired this morning to even function. After working a 13 hour day in prep of our birthday party weekend at work.....I had so much to do! But it was all worth it, because the place looked amazing!!

As far as what I want to talk about today...I want to talk about my dad. My dad is an incredible person. He is one of the most motivational and inspirational people I know. Anyone who knows me knows that I love my family more than anything, and when I talk about my mom and my dad I talk about them like they are my best friends. I am so lucky to have him in my life. It's not every day that people have a relationship like that with their dad, and I do! They are coming to visit us soon, and my dad asked if we could do a 5K together and I immediately was sooooooo excited! I can't think of anything that would make me more excited and happier than to walk with my dad in my first *post life style change* 5K. So that will be coming up shortly, but I have SO much going on that I need to start being more consistent to get ready for it!!

So that is all that is going on here. I will keep you all posted on race details and what we sign up for and all that fun stuff!!! Have a wonderful night with your families and be good everyone!!!

Day 85

Good Afternoon everyone! Day 85 is here....I don't know how it happened, or when it happened, but it happened!!!! I am so happy that I have been able to keep my focus for 85 days. Not only in life, but in writing. I don't know how I have done it, but I have done it. I have managed to write to all you wonderful people for 85 days!!!!

I have never thought of myself as a writer. It isn't something I have ever been all that good at. I don't know a ton of big words and my grammar isn't the best....I mean I just spelled grammar-grammer and auto-correct had to tell me it was wrong. But I have always known how to express myself. Not necessarily to others, but to myself. I have always been able to be brutally honest with myself, and that is all this blog really is, me being brutally honest with myself, and I have just finally chosen to let you all in on it. I know that sometimes I am overly harsh on myself, but it's how I have always been. I have always had this attitude that was all or nothing. But I was never able to be serious about it.....and this time I am more than serious...I think 85 days proves it!!!

So I don't want to keep you too long, but I have been trying to keep the blogs a little heartier. I wanted to just fill you in on the newest with my ankle. I am heading to the Ortho on October 17th and hopefully will get some answers. I have been actually feeling pretty good, but I still want to know what is going on and how to prevent any further damage!!!! So I will make sure to keep you all posted on that!!

Alright I am done...I promise! I hope you all have a wonderful evening and enjoy the rest of your day!!!!!

Day 71

Hello Everyone! Today is my day off, and I am enjoying my time with Alayna. Granted I spent about all morning at the doctors. I have an ortho consult in right now, and should hopefully be getting some answers soon.

I don't want to take up much time today, because I have the whole day with Alayna, and I don't want to waste it!!!

We went to Fort Gordon for the appointment, and luckily Hayden was able to meet me there. They said that unfortunately they are not able to read the MRI's like Ortho would be able to, so I have to wait until I meet with them until I find out what is going on. I am hoping that I can just get in there ASAP to get this all over with and back into the real swing of things!!

I am going to keep it just this short today. My attention span is lacking, and it may just be the full moon, but who knows....time for me to go relax with Alayna!!

Have a wonderful day everyone!!!

Day 69

Good morning everyone! You know it's going to be a good day when you hit snooze 4 times in a row....I can only imagine how today is going to go!! Last night I was talking to a friend and it really did make me look at my life in a whole new way.

When I moved to Virginia with Hayden, I was lucky enough to land an amazing job. I got to do something I love, learn new things, and work with some of the most incredible people that I have ever met to this day. I thought even living in Virginia was hard. I was far from family, I was far from friends, and people kept coming and going. But it was truly nothing compared to here. I still have yet to make any real friends that I have hung out with recreationally, and it was starting to take a toll on me. But then, I realized that I have been so blessed with an amazing daughter, incredible husband, and a wonderful job to occupy my time. So in reality I have a very small amount of free time, that is already being kept by my family. It is hard to be so far from everything you know, but I make the most of it! I love traveling, and I wouldn't give it up for anything. I love the life we live and I am thankful that I was able to write like this to keep myself motivated.

I will admit the last weeks I haven't been doing the best. I have been slacking and giving excuses, but it was just a stumble. I am no longer going to make those excuses. I am going to stick to my guns and be ready for December! After all, I need to make the most out of the one vacation I have this year!

I hope you all have an incredible day today. I have to go out of town for a meeting all day, so I will be in the car most of the day. Stay on track today...it happens (tripping that is), but it's how you handle it that makes you who you are!

Day 67

Good morning, and happy Sunday to everyone! Hope you are all having a wonderful day and enjoying your time with your family. I have been blessed with two days off in a row with Hayden and Alayna. We are spending the day cleaning and watching movies and football together! It's nice to just be able to relax with each other.

After the day that we had yesterday, how happy I was, I have carried that out to today. I am having a wonderful day with my family and just trying to take advantage of it as much as possible. I am going to go to the gym tonight and then have a nice early day at work tomorrow morning. So we are going to relax all day together!

I don't want to take up too much of your time today because YOU TOO should be taking advantage of family time. I have realized through all of this that this is what is most important!!! Making the most of the time I have with them, and making sure I am around for them for as long as possible!!! That is what this is allll about! Being around for them and being able to take care of them as best I can.

Alright everyone, I am done! Have a wonderful day with your family and friends! And enjoy all the football you would like!

Day 66

Good evening everyone! Things are a little better today, but it was my day off and I wanted to give it entirely to Hayden and Alayna. Now I don't want to take too much of your Saturday evening up, but I did want to talk a little bit about my shopping experience today.

I had to go to Old Navy because my current pants can fit about 2 and a half people in them. So I decided to pick out two other pairs of pants and let me tell you, I was able to actually button up a pair of pants two sizes smaller than what I have been wearing!!! I haven't worn this size since I was in high school!!! It completely turned around my attitude I have had the last couple days.

I apologize for my very negative posts as of lately. I have just been down and feeling sorry for myself. I need to wipe that attitude from my mind! I need to be happier about the progress I've made, not negative about the bumps I hit in the road! So thank you all for your kind words, they have really helped! I hope to really start seeing more results as I ease back into my gym routines!!

Have a wonderful Saturday night!!!

Day 60

Day 60!!!!! Two Months down and a lifetime to go!! I can't even believe I am almost 30 pounds down! I am so so soooo ready to get back in that gym and make an even bigger difference. I tried biking last night and let me just tell you....probably one of my worst ideas I've had in a while. If anyone knows anything about me, I'm stubborn. When I hurt my thumb in high school, playing volleyball, I went back after resting three weeks instead of the recommended 6-9 months. I don't like to rest. Although I'm sure that is why my thumb still hurts to this day. From everyone I have spoken to, an Achilles injury is nothing to mess around with, so I won't. Hayden is going to talk to the Radiologist tomorrow and see about getting an MRI as soon as possible. And then we will go from there.

I feel like I have been really lucky so far to still be losing weight, even though I am unable to go to the gym. But I don't know how long that will be happening for. I am hoping that I can heal quickly and be back at it in no time!! No matter what has happened though, I have still been eating right and making sure to take care of myself as much as possible.

Well today is football day in our house, it's Pittsburgh Steeler time!! We are a house divided, but at least I have Alayna on my side!! I know I said I would write an in-depth post, but I can't help but spend my one day off with Hayden and Alayna. I hope you all enjoy your Sundays with family and friends. I will post our recipe for Teriyaki Pork Wraps tomorrow after we eat them tonight!!!!

Day 56

Well....I am late again today!!! I apologize, it was an early day at work today, but at least I am home now and relaxing. I have decided today is definitely going to be a very short post since I have some very much needed time with Alayna. It is very rare that I am home with her, so I want to take advantage of it!!

So I am headed back to the gym tonight for the first time in a little under a week (since I hurt my ankle), and we will see how it goes. I am in a pretty severe amount of pain, but I'm hoping it is something I can work through.

I know what you all are thinking, "You need to take time off to heal". I feel like I have taken the time I need and I just need to get back in the gym and see how it goes. I need to feel like I am doing something other than just eating healthy!!

Okay......I told you it was going to be short, I wasn't kidding!!! Off to spend time with my favorite little girl! Have a wonderful rest of the day!

Day 54

Good Morning Everyone, and a VERY happy Monday to you! Today is my first day in my actual position. And let me tell you, my stomach is TURNING!!!! I never thought I could feel this sick over a job. There is so much responsibility that comes with this position. When I originally took the job, I asked if there would be an assistant manager for me, or a general manager for me to go to, and the response was, "No, just you.". So I guess I just have to take the bull by the horns and run with it!

Now I decided yesterday that I would not let this injury get me down. I am working my butt off at work and coming home and trying to separate myself from that, and then I head to the gym and separate myself from home as well. So I guess I just decided to keep my head fully focused on these two things for the next week since I can't go to the gym any way (although I might sneak over and do some arms and abs one day). I know that the doctor knows what is best for me, but it is just frustrating to feel like I hit a road block. At least I am making sure to eat healthy and am still doing a good amount of walking each day at work.

I never thought I would be able to juggle all of this when I saw how many hours a week I would be working. Yet somehow, I seem to be doing it. Some days I am absolutely more tired than others (usually Friday's because I work from 8-8), but I get by. I feel like I see my family managing more than one thing and I think, "Why can't I do that???". You readers, friends, and family are what push me through my day, each day. I think about how you all keep me uplifted and motivated when I am at my lows. I know there have been quite a few of them already and I am sure there are more to come, but you are always there. Time after time you all amaze me with your support.

So I close today with a HUGE thank you. And a PLEASE continue with me on this journey. I know I have such a long way yet to go, and it would be absolutely impossible without all of you!! I hope that in some small (or possibly big) way I have helped inspire you to make changes, or think before you do. I hope that I can, from here on out, lead by example. I thank and love all of you!!!

Day 53

Good Morning Everyone! Happy Sunday!!!!

Today is yet again, another day of work. I fortunately got a nice night of sleep, and looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, saw someone who was happy. I feel pretty and feel like I'm looking good. Now, by no means am I even 1/1000th of the way through this journey, but I'm that much closer!!! I am finally able to look in the mirror and see someone who actually wants to see themselves.

So these last few days I have been pretty upset with how things have been playing out. I am upset that I have to take a week off. I'm upset that I can't spend more time at home, and I'm upset that I'm still stuck in certain clothes. But then.....I put on a bra from about 4 years ago today....and it fit perfectly! I took pictures today (I do periodically just so I can see how I'm doing) and I couldn't believe what I saw. It's incredible how looking in the mirror, I can't really see anything, but when I compare the pictures side by side, I can see it so much clearer. I guess my eyes are so set on seeing what I hate to see, and not all of the incredible changes that have happened.

I told Hayden I think it is time to start shopping for new pants, but I am really scared how it will go. I hate how shopping has become this feared thing to me. I always go in and see all the clothes I want to be wearing, and decide to just leave as to not embarrass myself....I just don't want that to happen. So I will give you all an update on how that goes after it happens!!!

I have to go get ready for work, but you all have a wonderful Sunday!!