Day 167

Alright everyone, I'm trying my best to stay positive today. I have had a long, grueling day, and to say it has tested me, would be an understatement. I am having a hard time lately accepting things that I don't have any control over. I work hard and sometimes I just don't think that it is always being seen. I try my best to do my best, and it just doesn't seem to be enough. I have been discouraged about things in the past, and I am trying to stay positive about these things, but I just find it very trying at times. I have decided to stop counting the days on my blog....a few reasons why... A. It is no longer accurate, because I skipped so much time. B. I think I have more meaningful things to say than, DAY XXXXX. C. I need to give you a little heads up of what is coming... All in favor say "I". I'll tally up all two votes at the end of the evening. I know I have been more absent than usual on my blog, and the reason is I am either feeling too sick to write, or I am just too busy at work. I have no happy medium as of late. SO I will really try to make a more conscience effort to write to you all. You know my dad messaged me and said he needed it for motivation. I don't think I am really motivating that many people with my rambles. If this blog has been anything, it's just been away for me to get away with the talking inside my head haha. But on a serious note, this blog calms me and brings me peace. It is a way for me to work through problems by almost talking to this virtual reality that is all of you. I know sometimes I can stray from what the real goal is of this blog, but in the end it is and always has been about bettering myself. Which I am slowly but surely doing. I need to be around positive vibes and energies to make myself a better more well rounded person, so my goal is to find people who want to be as positive and happy as me. I don't have any people here that are close to me like my friends at home were, and I may never find people like them again. But enough is enough. I am tired of hiding behind a computer, or a house saying I don't have time. Now is the time for me to get out there and make some new friends that understand me. I need some positive energy in my life, or I will be stuck in this rutt forever. SO on that note, I apologize for another rambly post, but please let me know what you think about my daily titles. It means a lot when you guys respond. I am working on getting healthier (illness wise), so I should be feeling more up for writing now! I will promise to get back into my daily routine as soon as possible! Have a great evening everyone!!

Day 166

Good Evening everyone! I'm sorry I haven't written in a couple days. I have been kind of busy with work and still sick. I somehow got like a third round of plague and am hoping to start feeling better soon! I thought this morning I was feeling better and somehow I am feeling sick again. So I am going to rest all day tomorrow and hopefully that will help!

So what have you missed....I recently celebrated my 4 year wedding anniversary! Went out on a date with Hayden for the first time in YEARS!! I honestly think it has been about two years since we have gone out on a date, so that was so nice!! Went to a nice Japanese steakhouse and then a movie! It was a good time.

I am keeping tonight short, since I am really not feeling all that well and I am ready for bed already. I feel like I am about a thousand years old...going to bed at 10 on a Saturday! But I am going to write a nice long post tomorrow while I am relaxing!

I hope you all have a wonderful evening!!

Day 164

Good Evening everyone! I'm so sorry I forgot to write yesterday, but I have realized that I don't feel as bad if I don't write. I know before I felt obligated to write, and write long posts, but not anymore. If I don't feel up for writing, and know that all I would be writing is filler and fluff, than I know that it's probably just best if I don't write. So I am writing tonight to let you know that yesterday, I came home late and wanted to just spend time with Hayden and Alayna, so I didn't write. It was nice to just relax and have fun with them, and not feel like I HAD to write.

I felt so obligated before. Like people just sit around waiting for me to write.....which they obviously don't. So I don't feel as bad about not writing if I am too busy to...

Alright, so I don't want this post to make you feel like I don't want to write, I just wanted to explain why I don't post all the time now! Nothing personal everyone!

So today I would have written earlier, but I was enjoying watching some movies with Hayden and Alayna and wanted to just relax! Sometimes that is my favorite thing to do. I admitted to Hayden today I had the worst snack cravings, but I was so happy that I decided on oranges and some fruit leather, over some other not so great choices!!! Sometimes I just need to put things back into perspective to realize that I am doing okay!! I know it has only been a few days, but I am making it by! I am nervous and excited to see what Friday has in store, but until then.....I am going to just keep kicking butt!!!

Have a good Sunday night everyone!

Day 163

Good Evening everyone! I had a nice long day today and I am so tired. I didn't think that I would have trouble waking up this morning after getting home late, but boy was I wrong. I was so tired this morning because I could not seem to go to bed after the gym last night. I was so fired up that I wanted to just keep going, so when I came home, I wanted to just stay up!!

So back to this morning, I did get on the scale for the first time in a while. I reset my "MFP" and I am not happy with what I saw at all. But like I said, I am ready to make that number just rocket downwards! I know that I wasn't on my A game these last few months, but it is back to business. I am tired of letting myself and others down. I know that I can commit to this!! I am ready to start that initial 2 weeks that I hate so much....If I can get there, I can get back on track and start seeing the results I love so much!!!

So I hope that you all are back on board with me! I know that I was absent for some time, but I am here, and I am ready to start this journey back up again. I am not happy with myself, but I am letting it motivate me. I look in the mirror now and see potential! That's something that has taken me a very long time to come to terms with. It's not that I am demotivated by that person, but I strive to make her a better person. I love myself, and I never thought that possible. This journey is just about improving upon what is already there!!

Have a great Friday Night everyone! We are spending ours cuddled up watching movies and keeping the fire on since it's freezing!! Enjoy!!!

Day 145

Good Morning everyone!! I woke up with a bit of a better attitude today. I am trying my best to think optimistically. I have a lot going on before Disney, and as my sister has put it so simply, I just need to make some lists and go through them! That will help organize and attack what I need to get done!!! Sometimes I find that lists help me more than anything else. Maybe that's how I should attack everything in life?? With lists!

I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday weekend. It brought on a lot of thoughts of family and holidays. I am so thankful that I was able to spend it with Hayden and Alayna and even made a couple new friends. But it truly felt like things were missing. We are so blessed that we live this life rather independently, and are lucky to do that. I love my family and I truly have the best one around, so I know that no matter how near or far we are from each other, we love each other and can feel that from any distance!!! So maybe if I just keep an attitude like that for the holidays, that will help!

Now, Christmas is literally right around the corner and I am getting ready for that as well. Last night Hayden and I talked about my gym schedule! It's been a little much with all this holiday planning, so I am trying my best to do as much at home, as well as being able to go to the gym a couple days a week. SO right now, that is the game plan! Do as much as possible so the holidays will be as awesome as possible!!

Alright, today was a bit rambly! I know it was shorter than I promised, but I only have a little bit of time left with Alayna and I want to enjoy it! I hope you all have a great day!!!

Day 120

Hello Everyone!!! I hope you all are having an incredible morning! I woke up this morning with a new out look. My dad sent me this message yesterday that was so full of impact for me!!

"Life is a pilgrimage, but sometimes you need pilgrimage to discover life."

That couldn't be more true! I think sometimes I get so caught up in life that I forget to really experience and figure it out. So I really need to hone in and figure out what is important. I only have so many days left before I go to Disney World, and not like I am stopping then, but I need to really kick it into gear. So I need to really focus on what is important right now.

I know I keep saying that, and then doing nothing, but I REALLY mean it this time. I don't know what has been my problem lately, and why I have been so lazy, but I just want to get back into my routines. I know it is about getting into a routine, but I am just really struggling with it. It is so hard to work, long days at that, and to come home and cook, and then to work out too??? It gets to be a lot. So I guess it is about just sucking it up, and figuring it out. So now I WILL figure it out.

To give you all a little snapshot of my days:

6:00 am - Get up, get me ready, get Alayna ready, and Miss J. comes.

7:30 am - Head to work for the day, and run around ALL day until around 6:00/7:00.

7:00 pm - Make and eat dinner

8:30 pm - Watch a little bit of TV with Hayden and Alayna and work on anything I need to finalize for work.

9:00 pm - BED!!!!!

So I guess what it really comes down to, is that at 9:00....I need to go to the gym and then go to bed after that. It will just be about sucking it up and getting there. So I promise....starting today...my butt is GOING TO THE GYM!!!!!!

I hope you all hold me accountable here! I better get a slurry of messages telling me to get to the gym!!!! I hope you all have a great day, and I will write tomorrow...for weigh in day. (Which I KNOW will not be a good one). Until tomorrow!

Day 106

Good evening everyone. I am sorry I did not write this morning. Hayden got in a car accident last night, and I had so many calls to make this morning with both insurance companies, work, and the hospital. He has a concussion and has been feeling pretty bad all day, but right now he seems to be feeling a little bit better. Rest will do him good.

But that's what my day has consisted of. It has been a lot of calls and emails and working on my conference call for the morning, which at 6:30 pm, I was told I was in charge of....nothing like last minute right??? But I will handle it like I always do!

So I know last week I promised you I would lose this big amount of weight...and I hate to report, that I did not. I know tomorrow is weigh in day, but I KNOW I did not lose as much as I had wanted. This week was way more hectic than I had imagined it to be.

So I am going to try and relax a little bit, and take care of Hayden. I hope you all have a wonderful evening and I will be weighing in tomorrow!!

Day 99

Alright I know I told everyone that I would write earlier after my appointment, but I got very caught up in hanging out with my parents. We did so much today! We did some shopping, went bowling, and then watched movies while we ate!! It was perfect!!!

As for the doctor's appointment, I'm all good and ready to go!!!! They said that if it was something, it seems to have gone away now. It may be tendonitis, but if it flares up again, just to take it easy!!! So I will be doing my walk this weekend, and I am back to full throttle at the gym!!!

As far as everything else, I am just ready to kick my life back into gear!!!! I have slacked a little the last few weeks and I'm ready to really get back on track now that I am cleared for the gym!!!

I am really sorry that it is short again today, but I will write a little more tomorrow when I weigh in tomorrow!!!! I'm a little nervous, but I am ready for it, because I have big things ahead of me!!!!!

Have a good night everyone!!!!

Day 96

I am so so sorry it is so late tonight!! I got home late and then decided to eat dinner and enjoy it with my family instead of keeping my nose in my computer. I am going to work late tomorrow so I will be able to be up and blogging in the morning!!!

I know I have been kind of short with you guys, and I am sorry for that, but life has been really busy these last few days with work and trying to catch up around the house. BUT I will make sure to write a nice long post tomorrow. Tell you all about my upcoming doctors appointment and my visit that is coming up with my mom and dad!!!!

SO you all have a wonderful evening and I PROMISE you more to come tomorrow!!

Day 95

Good Evening everyone. I had to work today so I have just been lounging around since I got home. Not really wanting to do anything. I can't even put it into words how excited I am for my mom and dad to come visit. Alayna has asked every morning "are mema and pappy here yet?" She is very excited for them to come and see her!

I wish I had some insightful words for all of you tonight, but I just am not feeling up for it tonight. I really love being able to tell you how my days go and what I am up to, but not much happened today. A nice long work day and then relaxing at home, preparing for my parents to come!!!

Soooo that is that for tonight. I hope you all have a wonderful night, and I promise tomorrow will be a heartier entry!!!!!

Day 94

Hello Everyone!!! I hope you all are having a great Saturday with family!! We have been grocery shopping all day and we have been cleaning. It's been a VERY productive day. I am getting ready for my mom and dad to come, and I could NOT be any more excited!!!!

I am keeping it short because I have so much cleaning to do before our little get together tonight, but I just wanted to pop in and tell you all what I have been up to today. I have been in this absolutely amazing mood lately, that I can't seem to shake, which is a good thing!! I just want to take every day one step at a time and enjoy it. Everything that is happening to me, is happening for a reason, and I just need to enjoy it!!!

I will leave you with that. Enjoy your days and remember that every little thing that is happening in your life right now, is happening for a reason!!  Happy Saturday everyone!! Enjoy yourselves!!!

Day 93 - Weigh In

Good Morning and Happy Friday everyone!!! I hope you all are excited for the weekend and ready to relax as much as I am!! I got on that scale today....ready to face whatever it had to say....and I pleasantly looked down at a 1.8 lb loss bringing my total up to 35.5 lbs!!! That's a lot of weight to be missing!!! And I truly hope I never find it!!!!!

I can't believe it has really been 3 months. It just doesn't feel like it. Time seems to just fly by down here. In just two weeks it will be Halloween and then shortly after that, Thanksgiving, and then our Disney trip, and then Christmas!!!! I am so nervous for the holidays. There are just temptations lurking around every single corner!!! I know that I can be strong when I need to be, but I am a sucker for a good stuffing, mashed potatoes, turkey, and gravy! I mean, who isn't??? But I will make it through one way or another.

I know in the long run, 93 days is nothing, when compared to my whole life being ahead of me. But I want to take all celebrations, both big and small along the way. So come celebrate with me this weekend with a reward. I think it is always good to reward yourself with something. Mine....is going to be a fresh new pair of running socks. It doesn't sound like much, but once you find that perfect pair, it's hard not to buy more!!! So treat yourselves...non food wise of course!!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!!! Enjoy your family and friends and just BE happy!!!!

Day 89

Good Evening everyone!! I can't apologize enough for yesterday! I was so tired and honestly I am again today. I can't believe how much I have been trying to catch up on the last couple days, that it is really wearing me out. I want to to keep it really short today and just talk a little bit about some goals I want to set tomorrow morning. I want to figure out some things that I really want to achieve before December, and I will post it tomorrow.

Any good goals you all think I should try to reach soon? I can't wait to hear them!

Have a wonderful evening everyone! I am heading to bed early again tonight!! Sleep well everyone!!!

Day 86 - Weigh In

Good Morning everyone!!! Today was the day...and I am just going to say that I am satisfied. It's not that I'm overwhelmingly happy, but I am content with what popped up today! I promise next week is going to be bigger because I am stepping it up this next week!!!

So the scale was exactly 1 pound down today for a grand total of 33.7 pounds gone and never coming back!!!!!! I can't believe in just 86 days....33.7 pounds is no where to be found!!!! It is mind blowing. I mean...33.7.....that's a lot of weight. I have almost lost Alayna!!! Come to think of it....lifting her up....I can't believe that I used to carry that around with me....how did I do it??? Either way...I am happy to be rid of it!!!

SO I know what you are all going to say, a pound is a pound which is better than a gain!! Which I am totally agreeing with! However, I'm ready to see bigger numbers which is why this week is a no excuses week. I know I have been saying that, but I really mean it this time! I can not keep making excuses for why I can't get everything done. I just need to suck it up, and get it done!! I really wanted to be past a certain goal by now, and I am currently no where near it. SO it is time to step up the intensity a bit!

Lastly today....I'm going to shamelessly promote myself! I know that there are so many of you that read every day! And I couldn't be any more thankful to you all than I already am, but do any of you have friends, family, coworkers, or even just a gym you go to where people are struggling? Not sure if they can do it? Well send them over to my blog!!! I write in hopes of inspiring. I don't ever want anyone to feel how I feel. No child or adult should have to go through this! So please...I don't have anything to gain from it, other than inspiring people. Which is what I really want this blog to be. SO again...any one you know needing some extra motivation or who really likes to read, send em my way!!! We can ALL do this together!

SO I will leave you at that! I hope you all have a wonderful Friday!! Be inspired to make a change. You are a beautiful person...yes you!!! Get up and take your life back....you deserve it!!!

Day 85

Good Afternoon everyone! Day 85 is here....I don't know how it happened, or when it happened, but it happened!!!! I am so happy that I have been able to keep my focus for 85 days. Not only in life, but in writing. I don't know how I have done it, but I have done it. I have managed to write to all you wonderful people for 85 days!!!!

I have never thought of myself as a writer. It isn't something I have ever been all that good at. I don't know a ton of big words and my grammar isn't the best....I mean I just spelled grammar-grammer and auto-correct had to tell me it was wrong. But I have always known how to express myself. Not necessarily to others, but to myself. I have always been able to be brutally honest with myself, and that is all this blog really is, me being brutally honest with myself, and I have just finally chosen to let you all in on it. I know that sometimes I am overly harsh on myself, but it's how I have always been. I have always had this attitude that was all or nothing. But I was never able to be serious about it.....and this time I am more than serious...I think 85 days proves it!!!

So I don't want to keep you too long, but I have been trying to keep the blogs a little heartier. I wanted to just fill you in on the newest with my ankle. I am heading to the Ortho on October 17th and hopefully will get some answers. I have been actually feeling pretty good, but I still want to know what is going on and how to prevent any further damage!!!! So I will make sure to keep you all posted on that!!

Alright I am done...I promise! I hope you all have a wonderful evening and enjoy the rest of your day!!!!!

Day 83

Wow, two mornings in a row I have managed enough time to do everything!! Maybe I CAN do this after all!! I could not sleep well last night due to all the recent news stories. I know that it was decided yesterday evening that no matter what happened, troops would get paid, but I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't even imagine Hayden working 58+ hours a week for nothing. I couldn't imagine being one of the wives with a husband over seas and they wouldn't pay you to risk your life? I mean...I don't talk politically very often, because I think everyone is entitled to an opinion, but the idea of not paying the people protecting your country, but pay the people who are sitting in comfy chairs trying to figure all of this out, and fighting like children....doesn't quite add up to me. So at the end of the day, I just couldn't sleep thinking about all of that. So I wake up today and see....they are all closed up. I can't help but have a heavy heart for those people that are going to be put on a furlough. I can't help but feel so sad for people who work so hard to make a living and you are not going to pay them until this is over? It just weighs on me. Maybe I have too much of my grandmother in me...I don't know. Either way...I am just going to pray on it. Nonnie and God tend to listen when they know it is something big, so hopefully these prayers are heard!

On a less heavy note, I did wake up this morning with a positive attitude and I whole heartedly want to keep that! I have been so invested in trying to just FEEL happy and I refuse to let anything burden that. I have always had a firm believing that WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS....and by this, I mean anything. Any sort of troubling time that I have encountered, my dad and mom have always said, "You will get through it". And like my dad always says, no matter what happens today, what will happen tomorrow? The sun will come up and it will be a new day and a new start. Don't ever get caught up on what mistakes you have made in the past, but look to the future. Always have faith in the future! 

I want to leave you with that, because that is what I am thinking about today. I can not focus on my falls from the past. The times where I just didn't get it together and quit on myself. I focus now, only on the future! Focus on what is to come for me and how no matter what, if I fall, I get back up! I hope you all have a wonderful Tuesday and take full advantage of whatever is to come today. Because it is GREAT!!!

Day 82

Guys...I think I have gotten lazy again. And not in a way that I was before, but in a way that I really hate. I work so hard all day (I know...boo hoo me), that when I get home, I head straight for the couch. That's not how it should be! I mean look at other moms who work all day, come home and cook this incredible dinner, and then work out at night and still manage to look incredible?!? How do they do it??? I mean I'm lucky if I can get salad on the table for everyone let alone some incredible feast. I refuse to let this job defeat me, but it is starting to look exactly like that. I hate the idea of not being able to accomplish everything I set my mind to. I look at how I was doing before I was at work, and I had much more food temptation at home than when I am at work, but some how, I find it more difficult there. I know I am still doing well...and that this is a marathon and not a sprint (thank you special someone!).....but somehow I just want to start seeing those same results I was seeing before I got this job.

I know this all sounds so whiney, and like I can't handle it all, but I can. It is just about figuring out how to manage it all again. I have been feeling really up for the gym, other than the whole being tired thing. I use it as an excuse and continue to say, "I'll go tomorrow". But today is tomorrow...and I keep losing out on that "tomorrow" opportunity! When is enough, enough? So today I refuse to lose...I refuse to let anything take advantage of me. I will make positive decisions today and I will look forward to days to come. I will make it to my goal....one way or another!

I hope you all have a wonderful Monday! I am going to focus very hard on what I REALLY want...will you?

Day 79 - Weigh In

Good Morning Everyone!! Unfortunately I don't come bearing good news about losing 2-3 pounds. This week I have only lost .6 pounds for a total of 32.7 pounds. Which, no I am not as happy as I would like to be, BUT.....I am .6 pounds closer to my goal, so how could I possibly be upset??

I have been thinking lately of before I started and where I am now. I can't believe how far I have come in just 79 days. It is absolutely unreal to me that I have been able to change my body, life, and routine in such (what feels like) a short amount of time. I don't ever want to go back to that person. I am no where near where I really want to be, but I am a better person than I was.

I can remember in High School and even in Elementary school being so unhappy with myself. I remember when kids would snicker and call me names. Even my own friends would whisper. But somehow it just wasn't enough for me to want to change, instead I just got sad and would eat more. I remember when girls would trade and borrow clothes in school and I could never do that with anyone. I was never able to share because I couldn't ever fit into their stuff.

I always wondered if my weight was what made me unpopular. I can remember in grade school how much I envied the popular kids, and I always wanted to be in that group. Was it my weight that held me back? Or was it just me? Who knows....I mean I've always been kind of a nerd, and that is something I am finally coping with and accepting....if not embracing! But I think as an adult I look back on all of those experiences and think, "Shame on them....". I was a beautiful girl who was smart in her own way, I was nice, I always liked putting others in front of myself, and somehow they couldn't look past that? Shame on them. I punished myself for years because of how I was treated then, and I should have NEVER done that. There was never anything that was wrong with me.

So as I continue in my adult life, and still see people with that attitude, I no longer yearn to be a part of that "popular girl group". I feel sorry that they will never be able to be honest with themselves and others. It makes me feel like I am so lucky to be living the life I am living!

I apologize for jumping down memory lane on this post, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope you all have a wonderful Friday!! Enjoy your night and be good everyone!!!

Day 76

Hello everyone. I decided to wait until late to write today because it was my day off. I wanted to enjoy my time with Alayna, and boy was it nice to relax with her all day. I didn't have a care in the world today but just me and Alayna relaxing!! It was so nice to just relax!!!

Last night I went to the gym, and it honestly felt AMAZING!!! My ankle hurt today, but not what I thought it was going to be! I am finally ready to step back into it. I know that I should take it easy, but it honestly felt good just to get back into things. I didn't stay as long as I thought I was going to but it was enough to make me feel like it was worth it!!

It was just a testament that no matter what you want to achieve, you can. Carefully, but you can!! I really do know that it may have been dumb for me to go and to somewhat push myself, but it was something I needed to do for myself. I think it is what I have REALLY needed. I have been feeling sorry for myself and looking in the mirror really unhappily, and I think this is JUST what I needed!!!

Well...I don't want to spend my evening typing on a computer, but would rather take advantage of the time I have with Alayna and Hayden!!! Have a wonderful evening yourselves and remember, it's okay to fall behind, as long as you promise yourself to catch back up!!!!

Day 75

Good Morning!! And a very happy Monday!!! I don't know why, but I am just in a great mood, ready to face the day!! I have been trying really hard to just keep a very positive attitude about all of these changes that are going on. I know that more than anything right now, this is what will keep me going each day, is a positive attitude.

Last week I just had this glum attitude and I can't keep going like that. It makes me feel like I am giving up when I feel so down. So onward with the good attitude!!!!

So I have decided that I need to get back into that really tight diet. I have been slacking a little lately and allowing things here and there, and I just HAVE to stop doing that. I am not going to lose anything if I keep eating things I KNOW I am not supposed to. I know that every once in a while I am going to find myself in a situation that it will be okay, but I just can't allow that to happen right now. I have such a long way to go that I CAN NOT let off the gas now. I will admit that it will take some serious motivation, but it is not impossible!! So that is my goal for this week. Find my way back to that really tight diet!!!

I am signing off there. Lots to think about and figure out!! Have a wonderful Monday everyone! Enjoy whatever life throws at you!